Wednesday, December 9, 2009

One Day

Lately, I have been writing when I feel like I am literally in the dumps. Today I wanted to talk about the “Good days” that come on this journey of grief. Good days start with hearing that all of my children are wide awake……yelling screaming and hungry! I used to dread morning time…… I am just so happy that they all woke up in the morning! I look out my window and for some reason I look to see if my Savior Jesus Christ came while I was sleeping………….nope not today, so I get up and start the day.
On most good days, I listen to good uplifting music and I have peace in my heart. I feel like this is okay, I feel like Sage is gently pushing me along saying MOMMA you have to get things done around here! Momma, its okay to laugh and enjoy the kids you have. I feel the comfort of the gospel all around me. I feel like I am holding tight to the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I dig deep down and I know this is what my Heavenly Father had planned for me. Some days, I feel strong, I feel like I can do this, I feel like I can handle this and that it is okay. Other days, I am happy for Sage and glad he is serving the Lord.
Everyday, I have to trust my Heavenly Father more than I did the day before. I have to trust him and his plan for me. Everyday my life moves on and I live and I laugh and I love. I look for the Joy that is in each moment and hold to it!
Everyday, I thank my Heavenly Father for all of my very many blessings! I even thank him for Sage! I ask him to take care and watch over Sage just as much as he watches over us! I tell Heavenly Father everyday to give Sage a hug from me, or give him our family hand shake that only we know!
Other days, the bad days are not so pretty. that is okay too. This was not meant to be easy or it would not be worth it.
I never forget that Sage is gone not for one second. That thought is always there lingering in the back of my mind. Every second of everyday I have to choose how I am going to handle it.
So I think I am making good choices everyday. I think I am doing okay. I am a talker and I have to talk about him and how I am feeling or I might just blow up! Maybe one day and I hope someday I do not have to talk so much about this and talk about other things.
Every day I have a perfect faith that one day all of this will be worth it. One day I will understand the why’s of all of this. One day this will make sense. Until then, I will get up each morning and look out the window and wait patiently for my Savior Jesus Christ to come and wipe away all my tears.


Cori White said...

One Day we will love forever on our babies.. and we will love it!
Thanks for sharing. When that day comes how wonderful it will be.
Let's get together and talk soon!

Josh and Chani said...

Today, I clicked on Sage's blog. The first time in the 9 months. My baby just turned 8 months yesterday. Everyday I am grateful for her and that I can wake up and hear her laughter and singing at the time I want to hear nothing. But I just thank Heavenly Father for that noise and go to get her. One thing Crystal has taught me is to love the little moments in life that was wouldn't normally want to love. They might be the last. I am so grateful for Sage, he has taught me so much and I am sorry for holding in my feelings until now. He is my angel everyday. Thank you for this and your feelings that you voice so loud and clear. They help more than just you. Love always, Chani

Amanda and John said...

Everyday I wake up and run into Isabelle's room holding my breath, fearing for the worst. I sit on her floor and watch her sleep until I've made myself sick from the lack of sleep.

Everyday I see her grow, and learn new things, and everyday I get more attached, and I love her more (if that is even possible). Everyday I don't know how you get out of bed. I don't know how you breath. I don't know how you have such a perfect faith.

What I do know is that you are amazing. You have such an amazing testimony. I love you so much Crystal.

Rebekah said...

Crystal. I think about you and your family often. Sage is and always be special to me as well, and that is because of the way you talk about him. He truly was very very special and the love you have for him is so obvious. I hope I to will have the opportunity to meet him in heaven some day.

Wishing I could reach out and give you a big hug.