Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Friday we had an ultra sound and Dr.'s appointment. The tech was able to get wonderful shots of our new Baby Sister! All of us are really excited and look forward to her arrival.

I had a different Dr. at this appointment, a Dr. I had never met. I sat on the little table, on a sheet of tissue paper waiting. Dr. Goodman finally toddled in the room. He was a really old man and I was shocked that he still practiced medicine. He brought with him, his own medical bag and pulled out his stethoscope. He listened to my belly and told me that baby sounded wonderful and that everything looked great. A few minutes later he said but, your an old vet like me! He asked me about my children and kept pushing about each child's age and gender. I got to Sage and decided to share that he had passed away.

The Dr. sat there holding my paper work in his old hands and tears just poured from this old mans eyes. He looked up at me and just cried. He said that he had read that in my charts. He said he sat in his office and prayed that he would be able to share some of the wisdom he had gained over his many years. He said he has been delivering baby's a long time and it kills him every time a patient of his looses a baby to still born, SIDS, or other complications. He talked about how each baby and mother made him think about his love for Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. He said each death makes him step back and think about his own Testimony and what he truly believes.

He shared the love he has for our Savior Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. He told me that he knows without a doubt that only a loving Heavenly Father would make it possible for all of us Mothers to be with our babies again. He feels that we are special even though, we don't feel so special! I cried, I was so thankful for this old man and that he took the time to share his Testimony with me. I left the OBGYN office feeling thankful that Heavenly Father puts people in my life at just the right moments. I am thankful the Dr. took care of my physical well being as well as my spiritual well being!

Here is "baby sister" at 21 weeks. She is 15 ounces and healthy. She kept putting both of her feet right up over her face! I had never seen that before! All of us are so happy that she is coming to our family!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

How do you plan your baby's funeral?

A few days ago I was digging in all of our piles of unopened mail from the past year. When I came across this piece of paper. At first I chucked into the trash pile then, I picked it up and realized what it was. This is the piece of paper I planned Sages funeral on. 
I remember deciding at some point I needed to be the one to do this, that no one else could do this for me. I remember falling to my knees and just praying that somehow I would know how too plan my Son's funeral. 
I grabbed a piece of plain white computer paper and started planning.
This is where it gets sad/comical however you decide to view it. For me I truly realize just how out of it I really was. 

1. Presiding Bishop Borgous...he has been my Bishop for a long time...I spelled his last name wrong.
2. opening prayer Richard prayer
3. Be still my soal...spelled wrong again...never even heard the song just came to my mind...even at the funeral I did not know one word to the song.
4.life sctech...spelled wrong...I felt so bad asking my mother to do this for me...she was more out of it than me I think. I knew that no one knew my little man better than my Mother knew him. She had to be the one.
5. Children sing musical...I crossed that off for some reason...I guess the kids would not feel up to singing.
6. Lords Helaman...the correct title to that song is "We'll Bring the World His Truth". 
7. Dad give talk...I was surprised Dad called and said I am talking at that boys funeral...okay no arguments from me...was I shocked yes...my Dad is not a man to want to give a talk.
8. I crossed out Musical #...some lady I called said thanks but no thanks!
9.President Rothisberger...I thought if this man talks then this must be true and not a joke so I crossed him off the list as well.
10. post.Howard.post...he had been my Bishop for many years before I got married. I knew that he had lost a son named Wyatt...I needed him to talk.
11. good be we meet agane...it should have said..."God Be With You Till We Meet Again".
12. clothing remarks...closing remarks??
13. prayer JIM clothing prayer Jim Reidhed...Jim is my uncle...I spelled my Maiden name wrong...Reidhead...and I guess all I could think about was Sages burial clothing. 
14. Cementary
15. Lunchin
16. Home to Silence..........
My Sister In Law Carolyn said she would be willing to make his programs. I called her or she called me and this is the piece of paper I used to describe to her over the phone the funeral plans. She asked if I wanted a musical # I said yes, she asked if I had any ideas. I gave her my one and only idea. She said I have that sheet music and I know just the perfect guy for the job. Some how Carolyn, Gary, Ellen and Debbie where able to come up with his program and life slide show. I think they both turned out to be so beautiful. I am so thankful she was in tune with the Spirit and was able to make the programs that I really wanted for my perfect little baby boy. Carolyn and Richard did so much me and my family. I will be forever grateful to them.
I pray that I never have to plan another child's funeral ever again.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Who knew I had so much to say!

It hit me the other day that some people had no idea that I have another blog! It is our family blog. I enjoy writing things that are personal about Sage. He has a very special place in my heart and I like coming here to visit memories of him and make new ones. I have tried so hard to keep living and doing things for my  4 living children. Keeping the other blog helps me stay focused on them and not continually focused on the one that has gone before them. They are my here and now.

Let Them Be Little

My Mother has also kept her own blog...she loves to talk about my family in her blog as well! You can not read my story with out keeping up with Moms story!  I have an amazing Mother to say the least!

Lizard's Roost

Why I just thought to include my other blog is beyond me!

Monday, April 12, 2010

He Lives

Among all the facts of mortality, none is so certain as it's end. Death comes to all. It is our universal heritage.
It may claim its victims in infancy or youth. It may visit in the period of life's prime. It's summons may be deferred until the snows of age have gathered upon the head. It may befall as the result of an accident, or disease, or through natural causes. But, come it must. It inevitably represents the painful loss of association. And particularly, in the young, a crushing blow to dreams unrealized, ambitions unfulfilled, and hopes vanquished."
-President Thomas S. Monson
(Sunday AM session)
I know that death must and will come to us all! You just always hope and pray that it comes when snow has gathered on your head! I remember everyday what it felt like to have Sage here one day and the next he was gone. I remember the weight of his living body and how well it moved before he died. The next morning when I saw him. I knew instantly that his spirit was no longer residing in his perfect little body. I can recall all to well how heavy his broken body was. How he could not hold up his head...or open his eyes...or move his toes...all the things I most desperately wanted him to do. I know this will sound morbid but, dead is dead. I truly believe that Satan wants us to believe without a doubt that death is it. Dead is dead, ashes to ashes and dust to dust. I feel this little 9 oz baby moving and kicking me and she is alive! I know that she was alive before she came to our family! Therefore, I know that even in death she will live again! I know what death looks like, how those haunting images come at the drop of a hat. I want to testify today, that Jesus Christ broke the bands of Death. He loves us enough to break the band that is on Sages body. I know that one day I will hold my perfect precious son again. I know that his broken body will heal and he will be made whole. I know that Jesus Christ lives. I know that he loves me. I know that our beloved Prophet Thomas S. Monson is a man of God.
In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Signs from Heaven are for the Birds!

I called Sage my little bird or my baby bird. He wanted to nurse all of the time and he just reminded me of a baby bird. On our vacation we spent 3 days walking around zoos and we saw many beautiful birds. Well shortly after Sage passed away our family noticed that birds where coming to our family in weird ways that had never come to us before. I wish I took the time to write all of the stories down. At first I thought we where just reaching for a glimpse of something and hoped it was Sage sending us birds. After, so many "strange bird encounters" we have decided that it really is Sage sending us birds every once in a while.

I will just name a few... While rearranging the kids room a humming bird flew right into the upstairs bedroom window flew around the room appearing to look around. It flew right up to my nose as if to say looks good and flew right back out the window.

One afternoon William and Wayne found a big exotic bird just hanging out on the front lawn. Sister Scow told them the name of the bird and it flew away.  

Spencer and I were sitting in our monthly grief counseling session. The windows behind our counselor go from the floor to ceiling. He had the mini blinds pulled up. While he was talking and being very serious and sad a Road Runner ran right up to the window and was looking in the room staring right at Spencer and me. We started laughing hysterically. We never told the guy that we think Sage sends us birds....

Late one night we pulled into the walmart parking lot. When we got to the front door we noticed a man and woman holding two large parrots! I got to hold the green and yellow parrot. It bent its head down and picked up the "Sage necklace" around my neck and held it in its beek. The other parrot was an all white parrot named Celeste. The weird thing about this bird encounter was I secretly told Heavenly Father I know Sage is sending us birds. If it is really him....then I want him to send me a green and yellow parrot.....I want to hold it. I even bought a magnet for our fridge with the parrot I wanted to be sent to me. I cried and cried I knew without a doubt he sent me my parrot. I know you are never supposed to ask for signs from Heaven, but Heavenly Father only confirmed to me what we already knew to be true!

I could go on and on about the many times Sage has sent us a bird. Last night was the all time best and I think I have not laughed so hard since Sage left.

Wayne and Trey walked out the back door holding a red butterfly net and a water gun. "Mom Sage is going to send us a bird.....Trey is going to catch it in his butterfly net and Wayne is going to squirt the bird with the water gun"! In my most okay what ever just get out from underneath my feet your driving me crazy Mom voice I told them to go outside and wait for their Sage bird to come.....

WELL about 30 minutes go by and all of a sudden I hear loud squealing noises and loud laughter. The boys come running towards the back door. SMILES ear to ear.....Mom SAGE SENT US A DUCK! I look out the window and to my surprise there is a big Mallard duck  roaming around my back yard! Wayne was squirting it as fast as he could and Trey was running around it trying to catch it in his red butterfly net! I laughed at the site and tears poured down because, I felt like Sage was saying come on Mom you have to laugh today! We laughed all night and all day today! Keep in mind I live in the Desert, farm lands. The houses that live right next to me call there housing area the DUST BOWL! Yes I have seen ducks here at the parks around the lakes and golf courses but never a duck just coming to hang out in my back yard! I ran to grab my camera, but it flew away.

I pray that Sage keeps sending my family birds! My Mother, cousin, brothers, sisters and Visting Teachers all have had their own bird encounters over the past year so they know I am not crazy when I say Sage sent us another bird!

Monday, April 5, 2010

Sage's Garden

As most of you know a few days before Sage passed away we spent a couple of days together as a family in San Diego. It was spring time and all of the flowers were in bloom! The night before Sage passed away we spent the last hours of his life walking around the garden department at Home Depo. I picked out a special flower bush for each child. You can read the rest of the story here...The Day Sage passed away.

I sorta laugh when I think about things......well I only laugh about one thing....Sister Bourgeous, my Bishops wife, asked me the day Sage passed away, "Is there anything we can do for you?" Why Yes! I have a bunch of flowers in the back of my van that need to be planted in my back yard. This is where I tend to giggle remembering her face and reply, "Umm yes Honey we will get them out of the van and they will not die". I  think about that request and giggle.  She was probably thinking, hello crazy lady....your baby just passed away and your worried about your yard?

Over the past year I have spent countless hours in my backyard. I think I have offered up thousands of prayers while in my back yard working on Sages garden. I work and spend time thinking about my little guy. I love the Spirit of peace and comfort that I feel when ever I look out the window and see his garden.

I think about how much these plants have grown in the past year. I look at how beautiful they have become! I saw in my mind the night before Sage passed away, the vision of what my yard could become with alot of hard work and dedication. The Lord sees me as I can become and he is helping me grow into the Daughter of God he knows I can be. I still have many more countless years of hard work ahead of me both in the yard and in Spirit.  I know that I can and will become the beautiful Daughter that he intended me to be in the beginning.

We planted another tree this year on the day we buried Sage. I look forward to watching this tree grow and develope over the next couple of years. If Sister B. is wondering no, none of my plants died that where sitting in the back of the van! They have all lived and become so beautiful to look at!