Sunday, December 25, 2011

The Unexpected

On Christmas Eve RaLee was suddenly desperate to leave the house just as our family party was about to begin. She insisted, with much desperation, that she had some last minute shopping that she had to do. So with a promis to be safe and hurry home she went shopping. A short time later there was a knock on the door. Crystal answered and there stood RaLee, with a huge smile on her face, she said, "These are from Sage" as she handed Crystal a boquet of poinsettia's, complete with a "JOY" ornament.
We had a wonderful time Christmas Eve and were so very blessed to have family, home, food, and the spirit of Christ in our home.
Sage's Brothers and Sisters in their "Christmas Eve Pajamas"
Christmas morning as the children were looking in their stockings, Jayden looked back at the wall where Sage's stocking hung empty and asked, "Mom why didn't Santa Claus leave something in Sage's stocking? Is it because he's dead?"
It's moments like these, the sudden and unexpected ones, that tug at your heart strings and make us miss Sage so much. I know we have said it before, but time does not heal your wounds nor does it take away the pain, you just learn to live with the scars.
Miss Ellie opening her stocking

Wednesday, December 21, 2011


When we were trying to decide what to put on Sage's headstone everyone in the family wrote down one word that they would use to describe Sage. After many months of consideration the word that everyone agreed upon was "JOY". Sage was such a beautiful and happy baby, who was quick to smile and had the most infectous giggle, simply put, Sage brought nothing but "JOY" into our lives.

As we celebrate the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ we are comforted in knowing that because of Christ's gift to us, we can be with our loved ones for all eternity. This knowledge fills our hearts with Joy, Peace, and Hope for the future.

The Christmas after Sage passed away we put up a tree in his honor. Every year we add new "Joy" ornaments to Sage's tree.

 This year as we visited family and friends at the cemetary we decided to bring a message of "Joy" as a reminder that one day the sting of the grave will be replaced with pure Joy when we are reunited with our loved ones.
My Mother, Sage's Great Grandmother, Francine Jewell Jordan
John R. Jordan
Charlie Jordan
Eddie Jordan
Ted Jordan

Baby, Kathy Allison Jordan
Cori and Blades White's, daughter Kyndal, who was born sleeping.
Robbie Penrod

DeLanney Norris, infant daughter of Tommy and Becky Norris
Her parents founded "Laney's Legacy" in their daughters memory.
Sweet Little Brandon Allen

Kenny Eldredge, Spencer's little brother and Sage's Uncle.
Spencer(below) decorating his little brother's grave.
Kenny was such a handsome young man.
And finally, Sage...
Sister, Jayden

Sage's mom- Crystal

Sage's Family, unfortunately Ellie Mae was sick and couldn't be there.
It is hard to believe that so many of our family and friends have passed away. It is difficult to deal with so much loss, especially when so many of them were children and young adults. Instead of falling into the depth's of despair we are choosing to find "Joy" in the knowledge that because of our Savior we can be together forever.
This knowledge brings us peace and fills our hearts with Joy.
We pray that all of you can find the Joy that is there for each of us, a gift from our Heavenly Father. May each of you have a "Joy" filled Holiday Season.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Family Pictures

My Dear Little Man,

Grandma and Aunt Jessy have been gently urging me to share my feelings. I learned rather quickly who I felt I could share my pain and grief with. I understood that my Mother would listen to me and be there for me any time of the day or night. Mom has always been here for me. I love my Mother. Mom cried with me and has allowed me show my sadness and be myself.

My Dad on the other hand was different. I knew before Sage died that crying and grieving was, in his eyes, was for the weak and cry babies. I never once talked to my Dad about Sage or how his death upset me. I tried to be strong around my Dad. I held back the tears and put on my "I don't give a damn" face. A poker face around my Dad. I did good at acting like I was tough because, after all, that is how Dad raised and expected me to be.

Last September...(the very last time my Dad stepped foot in my home) he came in and sat down. We had a casual conversation about the weather and stuff.  Then my Dad looked at me and said. "Aren't you glad that BOY of yours Died! You would be really busy if he was here!" I just looked at my Dad in disbelief that he had even uttered such words to me! I looked right at him and said "Yes Dad I am so glad that BOY of mine DIED now Spencer and I do not have to buy him Christmas presents this year! I am also thankful that I do not have to buy him any diapers! Think about all the money we are saving with him gone!!!!!" Dad looked at me and said "you will hate me for saying this but its true! My Aunts lost babies and they did not cry over those kids! You need to get over it already! You live at the graveyard and that is not right!!!!!"

I sat on my living room floor the rest of the day...wondering if my Dad had really uttered such crap to me!!!! I thought about it over and over!!!! I thought I had been handling this trial so well! I thought I was doing good! I know that over the past 2 years I have been to the GRAVEYARD maybe 5 times at the most!!! I did not feel that I lived there!!! I was shocked that my Dad said all of these things to me!

2 days later....My Mom called me at 11:30 at night in tears. She said your Dad just left me! He said that he wanted out! He did not like his kids and he wanted out of the family! ------Long story short------Dad left my Mom after 32 years of marriage for a 39 year old White trash Hoe! Her name is Jen and let me tell you she is a piece of work to say the least! I think she is super classy! HERE is the CLINCHER JEN has an 8 year old Daughter.....any guesses as to what the little girls name MIGHT BE???? If you guessed SAGE you are right!!!! Yes my Dads girlfriends daughters name is SAGE!! Weird, creepy, BIG red FLAG! You be the judge of that one!

Anyways, my family has been through so much since last October! I am happy to report that we are all doing great! Mom is happy! We are all happy! Doing well! Even though my Dad is lost! Lost is the only word to describe him! I pity him! I pray for him! Like I said Long story short! My Dad has been a TERRIBLE Dad my entire life! He was extremely physically and verbally abusive! Through all of his faults I always loved my Dad and tried to live my life so that one day he could look at me and tell me that he was proud of me! I learned, however, that NO matter how hard I have tried to please him, I will never be enough and neither will my family! I learned that it is okay! I am a good person and I know that my Heavenly Father loves me! I know that he is proud of me and that is all that matters! As for my Dad...well He was right I do hate him for all that he said! I Have learned to let go of the HATE but the damage is done! I am willing to let him go! This past March we took Family Pictures. Family Pictures missing our little Man Sage and Missing my Dad. I know that all will be well. The Atonement will Continue to heal our family and make us stronger than we have ever been! We are still standing and smiling! Endure to end!

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Dear Sage,

     Hi sweetheart it's Grandma Liz. I wanted you to know that we haven't forgotten about you, in fact quite the opposite is true, we think about you everyday. Your brothers and sister Jayden talk about you often. You are so loved and missed.
     As you know the family has been through some difficult times lately. I know you were aware of us because I have felt your presence in some of my darkest hours. I could feel you gently urging me to "endure to the end" and to have faith. I promised you that I would live my life so I will be found worthy to be with you again and that's what I'm striving for.
    Your baby sister was born and I believe she talks to you. She will look off into the distance and babble away and then break into giggles. Sometimes she keeps your mommy awake for hours but she doesn't seem to mind because she loves watching her chat and coo at the ceiling. It comforts her because she is certain that Ellie's innocent eyes can see what she can
Ellie and I on her blessing day
     Grandma had a hard time sewing Ellie's blessing gown. I kept thinking about how hard it was to sew your burial clothes. There were touches of Sage green in your clothing so I decided to embroidery flowers down the front of Ellie's gown and add some Sage green leaves in your memory.
     I can't believe that your Angel Day will be here in just 1 short week. I have noticed a shift in the family's mood as the 19th of March approaches. We have become more somber and reflective. Each of us have talked about the last time we saw or held you and we can't help but wonder what it would be like if you were still here.
     Your mom and dad are laughing more and your mommy is starting to feel parts of her "old self" returning. I'm so happy to see this and I know it is in part to your baby Sister Ellie. But I also know that the memory of you and the promise of being with you again keeps her moving forward. 
When I look at your baby sister I am reminded of you.  I think the two of you look alike!
     Little man please know that we are all thinking about you. I know that mommy hasn't written in your blog but that doesn't mean she has forgotten. Somebody very close to her said some very harsh words that made her feel that sharing her feelings about missing you was a bad thing. Don't worry I'm sure she will find her way back. It's all just part of this journey she has been on. Learning to live without you has not been an easy thing to do. I think it was James E. Faust that said something like, "The love of a mother is the closest thing that we can come to on this earth that even begins to compare to the love our Savior has for us." and your mommy definitely loves you.
     I will close for now.  I know you will be with us as we celebrate and remember you on your 2nd Angel Day.  May God continue to watch over and keep you until we meet again.

Missing and Always Loving you,
Grandma Liz