Friday, January 29, 2010

My Shoes

People always say don’t judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. I think this is so true. I walk past people and I wonder what heartache have they faced in their lifetime? What thing has brought them to their knees? I look at the world so very differently now. I wonder about other peoples stories. I wonder what kind of shoes they are wearing? I have learned  not to judge people, you never know what kind of shoes they might be walking around in. I am thankful for my Savior Jesus Christ, I know that he has walked in all of our shoes and I know he understands the unseen pain that each heart holds. I know that only he understands what it is like to wear my shoes. He was the only one willing to wear them for me.


Would you walk in my shoes?

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes,
Uncomfortable shoes,
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that i do not think i can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other’s eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some people are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don’t hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No-one deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger person - apparently.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a parent who has lost a child.


Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Baby Brothers

I would be lying to you and myself if I said that the 19th of each month is not hard for me. The 17th of the month I think…….he would have been….so many months old today. Then the 19th of the month I have a million more thoughts begin to flood in.
It started with I can’t believe he has been gone for 1 month. Wow one month. Where did the month go? 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 months gone longer than he was here, 9 months, today marks 10 months.
I think to myself I have every right to have  a party in my family’s honor on the 19th of every month! 10 Months closer to being with Sage. 10 months we have stayed strong. 10 months we have held our family together. 10 months of pure gut wrenching heartache, but we are doing the hard things. 10 months of finding out what we really are made of. 10 months of my life that when I get back to Heaven, I know Heavenly Father will hug me and say well done! Today is one of those sad days where the tears find you and you cry.
I came home from car pooling and when I opened the garage door this is what I found! I was like those darn kids…..look at the  mess they made now! Then I started laughing, my kids did not make this MESS they are in school! WHAT THE HEY???? Who did this??? I looked over and saw my Baby Brothers driving away from the scene of the crime! I just sat in my van, tears pouring down my face laughing my butt off!
All the women in my life have been wonderful! Plates of goodies, phone calls, texts, emails, service, and long talks. They have all helped but this…….for some reason, this helped me so much today! I guess even in your darkest hours you do not need to take life so SEROIUS! Sometimes it is okay to laugh and find the humor in the little things!
I am so thankful for my Little Brothers. The day Sage passed away they helped carry me. DJ, was in my bedroom when Sage’s little  Spirit finally left his little body. DJ fought the police that kept interrogating Spencer and me. I know it was his way of trying to help. DJ does not like to talk about Sage at all. I know it is too painful for him.  I know that he loves me and thinks the world of me and my family! The last day of Sages life was spent with Uncle Doy Jay eating at Burger King! I love you Doy Jay!
Royal, he came over almost every night that Spencer worked, those first couple of months afterwards. I had trouble sleeping, he would sit with me until I was finally able to go to sleep. He checked on the kids for me and let me talk about the hard things over and over again. Royal let me cry. Royal made sure Spencer was given a birthday party the day after Sage died. Royal did what I could not do for myself. I love you Royal.
I will never forget  how I felt the last time I saw my Brothers hold Sage’s little body. How careful they were with him. I remember seeing grown boys turn into Men that day. I will forever be grateful for my Baby Brothers.  So many times they have been there for me. So many times they have been the Big Brother and I the Baby Sister.
When it came time to pick pall bearers it was a difficult decision for us. So many Uncles, I knew all of them loved Sage and would be honored. I knew that none of them knew Sage the way Royal and Doy Jay did. Royal and Doy Jay each had changed his diapers, bathed him, carried his car seat for me, and given Sage nicknames. Royal called him “TANK”! Doy Jay called him his little “TATOR SPUD”! So we choose them to carry his casket along with both Grandpas. I stood still with tears swelling, when I saw my Baby Brothers carrying Sages casket. It is a feeling you will never understand until, you see 4 men carrying such a tiny casket and showing so much love and respect for the tiny rider inside. I carried Sage for 9 months, the world held him for 8 months 2 days and my Baby Brothers carried him the rest of the way for me. I will be forever grateful that they did this for me. I wonder if they stop to think they are the last ones that held this tiny perfect little baby boy? I think they do.
So today when my baby brothers rearranged my garage I laughed harder than I ever had and cried harder than I ever had. I am thankful for them and how much they love me! Spencer laughed and cried just as hard! The kids laughed all day long. My family needed a little laughter today!
Camping chairs with mop heads and bike helmets! For some reason I found this so funny!
Bikes up on jacks!
Upside down bikes!
Sages Grandpas and Uncles.

Sage Momma misses you today.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

I Will

Music has helped me endure the heartache that this path has taken me on. This song helps me feel like I have the power to determine how I am going to let this trial and tribulation effect me. I am thankful for good uplifting music that helps invite the Spirit into my heart. So today I will choose to be strong and live another day with hope in my heart.

Hilary Weeks has so many songs that will speak to your heart and bring the peace you are searching for. 


Saturday, January 9, 2010

Remembering Sage today…..



One year ago today……

Sage had diaper rash on his little bottom. I layed him on the ground naked so I could air out his bottom. I guess he did not like how the blanket/carpet felt on his sensitive areas so he got up on his hands and knees for the first time!

Spencer and I were so excited for him! He was so proud of himself! I kept shaking my head at him saying “NO NO NO you don’t, your getting to big”! “You are supposed to be my baby”! Well he never did learn how to crawl he just learned to roll and drag himself where he wanted to go.

I remember him army crawling onto the kitchen floor and patting the tile on the floor! He would look up at me and grin! He thought he was being so funny! I remember the day he died Jorgi, a lady in my ward, was sweeping my floors. Then I noticed almost every time a big group of people came to the house, someone would grab the broom and start sweeping. This is what I remember every single time I sweep my kitchen floors. I cry every time I sweep. I remember good times, bad times and the service that people provided for me.  So, if you come over and notice that I need to sweep trust me I don’t need to sweep that bad!

I remember getting ready to go to Sea World he just played in our big formal living room. Every time, I walked by he would lay sideways and just stare at me. Who knew he would die a week later? I wish I had just bent down and picked him up.

So I guess I got my wish….”NO NO NO you don’t, your getting to big”! I wonder how long I will have to wait till I get to see him grow and be a big boy? He is going to be my baby for a very long time.

Friday, January 8, 2010

I Can Only Imagine

I cry every single time I hear this song. I can only imagine what that day will be like when I get to see his little face again. I imagine being at Mesa Cemetery and looking over and seeing Shirrell and Tim holding little Brandon. Becky and Tommy holding beautiful DeLanee. Brenda and Larry embracing Kenny. Kari and Skylar and Debra and Landon and Blades, Cori, and baby Kyndal. I know that there are many more that I look forward to seeing on that day. My heart will burst for them because I know how happy they all are going to be! I want to be there that day!
So yes some days you really do not feel like taking one more step, you want to crawl into a hole and cry but, you can not, you have to keep going. I live so that one day I will be worthy of that day! I can only imagine what that day will be like for all of us! I will be there that day! So today I will get up and move because I will be one day closer to that day! One day closer to seeing all of my tears wiped away and only having pure joy!


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The Best Christmas Gift

A few days before Christmas Spencer and I found out that we are expecting our 6th child.
The days, weeks, and months after Sage died, the thought of having another baby was out of the question. We were terrified and did not feel that we would ever be able to feel confident in our ability to take care of another infant again. I mean our baby died in his crib just down the hallway from us and we just slept right through it. The provide and protect feeling a Mother has for her child was gone.....
Over time my heart started to change.  Soon I was wanting to have and hold another baby, not just any baby, my baby. Right after Saget died I could barely be around other babies in fact I was terrified of them. There was so much guilt on my part and the thought that I could accidentally hurt another innocent child was too much. After all I am the person who put Sage to sleep with a quilt.  I should have known better.  I know almost every person in the world puts their baby to sleep with a blanket and they never think that it could harm them.  We don't even know for sure if the blanket caused his SIDS but Spencer found it wrapped around his head and that thought haunts us.
It was so hard seeing woman with their babies so happy and in love with them. For a very long time I thought Sage was taken because I was not a good mother……like I was being punished for being a bad Mom.  I soon realized that I was not a bad Mother, in fact I realized that I am a good Mother……I loved my Baby as much as these women loved their babies.  For some reason mine was called home…….so I would sit and hold their babies it was difficult because it was not my baby and I knew I had to give them back to their Mothers that loved them dearly.  I felt that Heavenly Father must love these Mothers more than me because I was just as happy and in love with my baby and yet my baby was gone and I was heartbroken.
When a Mother loses a child so much guilt comes from the loss.  I call them the shoulda, woulda and coulda’s! I have come to the conclusion that his passing was not my fault. That it was simply his time to go and Heavenly Father called him home.  He was going to go no matter what blanket was in his crib.

Yesterday William came home from school put his arms around me and said,  "Momma I missed you so much today!" Then he said that when the teacher asked each of his classmates what they got for Christmas, William said………My Momma is pregnant and I get to be a big brother to a new baby sister or brother! I had tears running down my cheeks……..nothing else mattered to him except the new baby that is on the way not the gifts it was the baby that mattered most to my little man.
William laid his head on my lap with his hand holding my belly. He talked in his baby voice for over an hour.
He told the baby everything that he thought Sage would be telling him or her in Heaven.  He told the baby everything that his Momma would do when it got here.

  • give you baths
  • cuddle with you
  • play with you
  • read to you
  • take you to church
  • cook you yummy food and treats
  • take you to the dollar store
  • make you birthday cakes
  • tickle you
  • take pictures of you
  • get up in the morning even though Momma is not a morning person
  • wash your stinky socks and underwear
  • teach you cool stuff
  • make hair bows for you (he really wants a girl)
  • dress you up
  • protect you
  • love you
  • that she would have the best Momma on earth
  • that Momma knows everything and she can help you when your so sad and having a bad day
  • The list just went on and on…….He talked about what a good big brother he was going to be and that Sage would tell her all about our family and what a good time she will have here in our home!
  • I just sat there the entire hour with tears running down my face.
  • I needed to hear, more than anything, that I was a good Momma to my children.
  • I needed to hear about the things William thinks makes me a good Momma!
  • I sat and held my 1st born on my lap and thanked Heavenly Father for him. What would my life have been like if I did not have him in my life?
  • I felt the atonement of Jesus Christ healing me just a little bit more yesterday afternoon.
  • I felt that Sage was with us for that moment in time confirming to my heart that the things that William said was true!
  • Even though I am terrified to be around a sleeping baby. I know that this baby is bringing healing, comfort, and joy to our family.
  • I look forward to holding my baby in my arms.
  • I know it will never take the place that, Sage has taken in our family circle but, it will take an important place in our circle!
  • I look forward to a new life and new beginnings!
William has been through his own journey of grief. He is a very tender hearted little boy. There have been many times that he has cried so hard for so many hours. I have learned how to try and help him but it hurts so bad as a parent to see your child in pain and you know that there is nothing you can do to help that child. William misses Sage so much. He always gives me hugs and asks me if I am okay today with Sage being gone.

William refused to let me tuck him into bed at night for almost 7 months after Sage died. He was scared that I would tuck him in the same way I tucked Sage in. That in itself was a difficult trial to bare. I mean a kid should feel safe letting his mother tuck him into bed. It is hard to explain SIDS to a child, when us as adults do not understand how a perfectly healthy child can simply just not wake up in the morning. I did not force the situation. I just said that when he was ready I would love to tuck him into bed. One night he just let me and I cried…………………….
William and I have both come a long ways and we are healing together. I have had to teach my children how to grieve in the boundaries the Lord has created for us. I have taught them that it is okay to laugh, love and trust Heavenly Father even when it is hard.
Will and Sage