Sunday, December 27, 2009

Butterfly Release

William saw a commercial on TV advertising a Butterfly Pavilion.  He wanted it so he could watch the butterflies emerge from a cacoon and release them and watch them fly away.  Crystal and Spencer bought the Butterfly Pavilion for William and gave it to him for his 9th birthday.

When they were ready to be released he asked if he could "give them to Sage" so we went to the cemetary so Sage could watch the butterflies fly.  December 10, 2009

William carefully helped each butterfly from the cage



Jayden and Daddy

This butterfly kept landing on my hand.

I couldn't help but notice how some of the butterflies continued to linger around the family and Sage's grave.

You can't see it but one is on a branch to the left of the children and one is in the floral ornament hanging in the tree...

It is resting in the "Y" of the branches

Then some lingered in the flower arrangment Crystal made for his headstone.

If you have been following our family blogs you have read about Jayden's "Bear".  Bear is her most treasured possesion he goes everywhere with her.  She always lays Bear on Sage's headstone so he can "Play" with him.  When she learned she was going to see Sage she wrapped Bear up to give to Sage for Christmas and placed him on the headstone. 

She later unwrapped Bear for Sage...she is such a sweet heart!

The family gathered for family prayer and I noticed the butterfly flew from the tree and landed on Crystal.  It made me was such a spiritual experience. 

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Personal Effects

The morning Sage passed away detectives, as per standard procedure, took his personal effects.  The blankets in the crib, pajama's he was wearing and his favorite toy that he slept with.  We were told they would be returned, via mail, once the investigation was closed.  I worried and even had nightmares about the day one of the kids would go to the mailbox and find his things.  My gut told me it would be Christmas time I just prayed it wouldn't be on one of the 5 birthday's we have in December.  His things didn't come by mail, as expected, instead they called and we were asked to collect them on the 17th.  It is the Holiday Season and it's the day before Crystal's 30th birthday but not on her birthday so we were thankful for that. 

We had so many people praying for us and we could feel gave us strength and we even had a bit of a miracle, if you will, a very spiritual experience that I would like to share. 

Amanda, Crystal's sister, makes a quilt for each of her nieces and nephews when they are born.  William's "Frog" blanky is his favorite.  In fact each of the kids formed an attachment to their blanket that Aunt Amanda made.  Amanda was expecting her first child and had a quilt on the frame for her own baby when Sage passed away.  The quilt remains untouched on the frame.  Why?  Because when Spencer found Sage in his crib the quilt Amanda made covered his face and we have wondered if it contributed to his SIDS.  Amanda feels guilty.  We have all told her it wasn't her fault.  It was Sage's time to go if not that quilt then another.  At least it was with a quilt that was made with love by someone who loved him.  Crystal is also grateful because it wasn't a store bought quilt.  It's difficult for her to go to church or the store and see someone with the same diaper bag, toy, outfit or blanket as Sage had.  It would have been very hard to see a baby with the same blanket he passed away with.  Instead it was a "one of a kind".

The night before Sage died Crystal sat on the couch and visited with William about the scouting program.  He was excited to be receiving some awards at the upcoming banquet and they were making plans to work on projects for more badges.  When Sage was done nursing she carried him upstairs and put him to bed.

This morning when we arrived at the appointment we saw a young man in the lobby in his scout uniform.  He was delivering home made Quilts/blankets.  He told us it was his Eagle Scout project and that the quilts were to be given to children of domestic violence.  He had hoped for 50 quilts but said, "It just exploded!  I got 150!"   

Crystal and I just looked at each other.  She said mom it's a boy scout!  The last thing I did was nurse Sage while I talked to William about the scouting program.  His Eagle project was home made quilt's for children!

We didn't receive his stuff by mail as we were told.  We ended up not picking them up at the coroners office but instead at the County Sherriff's Office.  On the same day and time as this young Eagle Scout.  We couldn't help but feel that Heavenly Father and Sage intended for all of us to be there at that particular time. 

Many people had made quilts out of love for children as did Aunt Amanda for her nephew.  Crystal has thought many times since Sage passed that she wished she had known it would be the last time she would hold and nurse him.  She said she would have given all of her attention to him instead of working on scouts.  Sage was letting her and Aunt Amanda know it was okay...all was as it should have been.

The woman came out with Sage's things.  They were sealed in a brown box marked Evidence-  3-19-09.  Then the items were wrapped in plain brown paper.  She said, "First off let me offer my heartfelt condolences".  Then she asked if we wanted her to open the box or if we just wanted to take it home.  Crystal looked to me and I said, "Lets open it and make sure it's Sage's".  Crystal and Spencer agreed and the box was opened.   It was Sage's.

We also received a copy of the police report.  There were some things that the Police/Detectives wrote in their report that was nice.  Such as, "The home was full of family, friends, and neighbors expressing condolences"  and "the home was neat and orderly with the furnishings well taken care of".  They commented on each of the rooms and of course Sage's nursery.  They made note of his sailboat nautical theme and how nice his room was.  Then they said, "the quilt covering the baby appears to be hand made".  The way it was worded by the officer gave the impression that he was impressed that his quilt was hand made.  Of course there were things that were very hard to read and the detail of the report brought back the memory of that day.  Not that we can ever forget. 

We were surprised to see the little orange giraffe.  We didn't know it had been in his crib with him.

Today was difficult but we could feel the Spirit of the Holy Ghost giving us strength and comfort every step of the way.  Thank you to friends, family and strangers that have prayed for my family.  I truly believe one day we will all be in Heaven and we will be shown every prayer by everone that has petitioned the Father on our behalf and all the blessings we received because of those prayers will be made known.
  Sage on the quilt Aunt Amanda made

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The Christmas Spirit

The Christmas Spirit

I would be lying if I did not confess that I am struggling this Christmas Season. This is a growing and learning process for me. Even though I do not fully understand the all of this. I know that one day I will. If I keep my broken heart on what really matters. I have to keep telling myself "The Lord knew best and took him home". I feel that in your darkest hours of your life, you need to praise Heavenly Father. Sometimes I question "Does Heavenly Father really love me"? I mean, if he really loves me he would not let me hurt this bad. You would think he would come and take all of this pain away right? That is what any good, kind and loving Father would do right? Well he did send someone to come and take all of this suffering away. He sent his only begotten son Jesus Christ to this world to take away my suffering and pain. I pray that I can remember the gift that my Heavenly Father has given to me and all of you.

My wise Mother shared her thoughts and wisdom with me today. She keeps me literally out of the looney bin. My Momma keeps answering her phone and for that I am grateful!! My Momma also knows that I am not handling this so well. That I am not as strong as I appear to be. My Momma needs to know I love her and I am blessed to have her as my Mother!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Bags of Bows

One of my family traditions that I started back when William was a baby, was to buy a huge bag of bows and dump them on the ground at the base of the Christmas tree. I have done this every year that I have a crawling baby or toddler in the house. The babies love to play with the bows! They leave the Christmas tree alone and they play with the bows all season long. As silly as this sounds this tradition is what I am missing alot this year. A baby/toddler playing with a bag of bows. Every time I see a bag of bows I want to cry. I thought about buying a bag for the heck of it but, that would just be self torture. I am missing a bag of bows………family traditions and memories do not have to cost much too mean the world to you.

This is a picture of Trey, as a baby playing with his bag of bows. I never got a picture of Sage with his bag of bows he was too little last year……… I look at pictures of Christmas’s past and remember the memories I made with my other children.






Wednesday, December 9, 2009

One Day

Lately, I have been writing when I feel like I am literally in the dumps. Today I wanted to talk about the “Good days” that come on this journey of grief. Good days start with hearing that all of my children are wide awake……yelling screaming and hungry! I used to dread morning time…… I am just so happy that they all woke up in the morning! I look out my window and for some reason I look to see if my Savior Jesus Christ came while I was sleeping………….nope not today, so I get up and start the day.
On most good days, I listen to good uplifting music and I have peace in my heart. I feel like this is okay, I feel like Sage is gently pushing me along saying MOMMA you have to get things done around here! Momma, its okay to laugh and enjoy the kids you have. I feel the comfort of the gospel all around me. I feel like I am holding tight to the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I dig deep down and I know this is what my Heavenly Father had planned for me. Some days, I feel strong, I feel like I can do this, I feel like I can handle this and that it is okay. Other days, I am happy for Sage and glad he is serving the Lord.
Everyday, I have to trust my Heavenly Father more than I did the day before. I have to trust him and his plan for me. Everyday my life moves on and I live and I laugh and I love. I look for the Joy that is in each moment and hold to it!
Everyday, I thank my Heavenly Father for all of my very many blessings! I even thank him for Sage! I ask him to take care and watch over Sage just as much as he watches over us! I tell Heavenly Father everyday to give Sage a hug from me, or give him our family hand shake that only we know!
Other days, the bad days are not so pretty. that is okay too. This was not meant to be easy or it would not be worth it.
I never forget that Sage is gone not for one second. That thought is always there lingering in the back of my mind. Every second of everyday I have to choose how I am going to handle it.
So I think I am making good choices everyday. I think I am doing okay. I am a talker and I have to talk about him and how I am feeling or I might just blow up! Maybe one day and I hope someday I do not have to talk so much about this and talk about other things.
Every day I have a perfect faith that one day all of this will be worth it. One day I will understand the why’s of all of this. One day this will make sense. Until then, I will get up each morning and look out the window and wait patiently for my Savior Jesus Christ to come and wipe away all my tears.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Skylar Stock

Tree Falls, Kills Sleeping Tempe Firefighter - Phoenix News Story - KPHO Phoenix

Erin Stock is one of my best friends. She has helped me so much with the passing of Sage. Erin and her sister Lyndsay have done so much for me these past 9 months. I found out today that Skylar Stock, Erin and Lyndsay's brother was killed late Monday night in a tragic accident. My heart is broken for this family. I keep checking facebook over and over to see if this is really true. It is so strange how one minute someone is here then the next minute they have gone back home. I hope and pray that I can be there for my friends the way they have been there for me.

I am so sad and tears just keep falling for my friends. Heart broken for them. I keep praying for them and I want them to know I love them. I just have to believe that Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us..........because, if I did not believe and KNOW WHAT I KNOW TO BE TRUE.........this life would be more than I could take.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Christmas Jammies


Everyone keeps telling me that memories are a wonderful thing to have and hold onto. I almost hate memories they haunt you whether they are good or bad. 

I have a difficult time looking at his Christmas pictures with all of his gifts. I think, look at some of the outfits he never got to wear………Look at the toys that he was too little to play with and are still sitting in his room unopened never to be played with.

The worst part of these pictures………breath…….hold back tears…… never think the Christmas Jammies you dress your little guy in will later become, the same Jammies that he will die in. Your brain tends to remember the dramatic, horrible, and gut wrenching stuff more than, it likes to hold onto the good ole days. These pictures bring back many bad memories along, with some good.  Maybe one day I will look back at these pictures without vomiting in my mouth.

I realize that I probably share to much of my real thoughts and feelings. I do not care……I am hurting and struggling to be okay with this. I know that other people have harder trials but, this is hard for me. All I can say is I am trying my best everyday to be okay with this. All Heavenly Father asks is we try our best. So everyday I try to carry on and live the best life I know how.

I miss my baby this Christmas season. The thing that helps is reading Luke 2 everyday, praying, and crying all the time. I try to think about what Christmas might be like in Heaven? What does the choir sound like there? I wonder what kind of traditions they have in Heaven? I try to be happy for him, he gets to celebrate Christmas with Jesus Christ…………….this brings more meaning to the words…………peace……………………….glory………………that has to beat my Costco nativity set any day!IMG_8256






Tuesday, December 1, 2009

I lost myself…..

I came across these pictures today. I had ten thousand thoughts running through my head. Look how happy I was to have these 4 children! These 4 children were my entire world! Look how happy I used to be with these 4! Look, they used to have a good, happy, healthy Mom! I wonder if I will ever be truly happy again here on earth? I am so grateful I still have these 4 children but it is harder now to be a Mother. My heart is broken and yes they help heal it everyday. I feel like they deserve a better Mother……not a broken, tired, run down, and sad Mother. I really do not feel like I am living.  I have check list a mile long of obligations that I have to finish before I die. Each day I check some off. That is no way to live or raise a family. Hopefully one day I will find that I am living and having fun.  I want to find this Mother again someday. Hopefully when the old Mom and the new Mom meet she can be better than she ever was before! Tonight I am mourning the loss of myself, I look in the mirror and I hardly recognize the person staring back at me. I miss being truly happy and living my life. It is hard to live when you feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and ran over by a semi truck. Little by little I will come back but I will never be the same again. I miss her, I miss me. My Mother said she felt like she lost her child that horrible day as well. I was 2 months pregnant with Sage……I had heaven on Earth.