Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Priceless Loans...

Elder H. Burke Peterson said: " Mother is a child's lifeline. Children are not a gift to us, but a precious loan, a priceless loan to be returned---returned more valuable than when we received them.......The charge is ours to increase their worth.......(God created you to learn to be a good Mother---an Eternal Mother. It is your first and foremost calling.")

I have read this quote over and over again today. I think about Sage and I know I was his lifeline. I woke up that morning looking for him and wanting to nurse him. I did my best at making sure I kept my breast milk clean and pure. I made sure almost all of his baby food was handmade. I nourished his body in and out of the womb. I can honestly say I did my best to take care of his body and my body.

A priceless loan to be returned---returned more valuable than when we received them! I have spent a long time thinking about Sages life. I convinced myself that he was called home because I was an awful Mother. I beat myself up for every mistake I had ever made. If only I had tried harder or done a better job being a Mother to 5 children. Maybe just maybe he could have stayed. I thought Heavenly Father was not proud of me or my Mothering abilities. I was scared to get pregnant again because, I just knew I was a terrible Mother.Why would he loan me another special Spirit? When he just came and took one home.

The more I have pondered this quote the clearer its message rang in my ears. Sage was a priceless loan to be returned-----returned  more valuable than when Sage came to me. Looking back over his short life I can know that I did the best job I could do. That night when I lay him down to sleep. Sage was freshly bathed, fully nourished, clean pj's, spotless room, played with, tickled and completely loved. Every, night for 8 months and 2 days I layed him down to sleep the same way. Everyday, I tried my hardest to be the best Mom I could be. I took him to church, read him scriptures, and gave him my whole heart.

I truly believe that when he was called back home to his Heavenly home his mission was complete. I realize that I did send him home more valuable than when I received him. That is all Heavenly Father asked of me. I fulfilled my first calling to be a good Mother---I will stay and prepare myself to fulfill the rest of my calling to be his Eternal Mother. Sage is waiting and looking forward to that day as much as I am. I am going to try to no longer feel guilty that  this was my fault. I did my best.

Monday, May 24, 2010


 It is difficult to see my other children grow up. The pictures on the wall do not represent the children that I now have in my home. We are all different...we are all older...
our life is moving on...this change breaks my heart. Soon another baby picture will be on the wall and her picture will grow and change...his will stay frozen in time.  I wonder about the millennium how will it be?  It will be perfect I am told. I know Sage will be given back to me. I know I will have him again the same way I layed him down...I have no doubt about this. This gives me so much peace and comfort. I know the other kids will be their but, like I said they are older, they will be older. I do not know how Heavenly Father is going to make this feeling go away. The feeling of missing out on raising Sage with these brothers and sisters. Running around this house, making noise and messes. I know Sage watches over us and sees our lives but the fact remains...these kids are growing up without Sage in the physical sense. All I know is there is a plan. Heavenly Father has promised that all will be right in the end. I feel like all of us are missing out on so much. I have to keep the faith...somehow the end will be better than the beginning. In the grand scheme of things none of the things we are missing will matter? I hope so...I really hope so...I have to tell myself this daily...when it is all said and done...everything will be just fine. I guess it does not matter if I do not have all the answers right now...Heavenly Father already hammered out the details long ago... So even though I don't understand and see everything...I will go and do what my Father has commanded me to do...I will continue to move forward knowing that somehow someway all of this will be okay in the end. I cling to the Atonement of Jesus, it is my rod of iron. It is perfect and the love he has for me is perfect so in the end things will work out perfectly.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


A big part of me wants to talk about, how after 14 months...it still hurts...it still takes everything you have every day to get up and live and choose to handle things the way Heavenly Father wants you to handle it. I want to talk about that but I won't, instead I want to make you laugh...because sometimes we all need to just laugh no matter how crappy things might be!
Remember I said I found some pictures of Sage on an old cell phone? Well I found some of me pregnant with Sage. Sage was due on July 13, 2008 and he decided he had other plans he did not come until the 17th of July. He was going to stay in there as long as he could! I kept going  into labor then it would stop and I would cry. This went on for weeks. I was at my wits end...I was pregnant in the middle of July...living in the Valley of the Sun! I was done being pregnant! I started going to the chiropractor a few weeks before he was born. I feel that they really help get your body in line and your delivery goes smoother. My chiropractor would work on me and the next day I would show up more pregnant than I was the day before. He told me about some lady in his complex that could hook me up to a machine, that would put me into labor. I called her and made my appointment for the next day! I really had no idea what this woman was going to do but, like I said I was done and desperate! The lady got busy hooking me up to her machines! All Spencer could do was stand at the door way hands on his knees laughing hysterically at me! I was getting so mad at him! After, he took a few cell phones pics of me, the lady kicked him out of the office! I could hear him laughing all the way outside! My Mom did not laugh at me...she has had 6 babies, she knows how desperate you get! Well I walked out of the office in labor...I showed up at the hospital the next morning in labor! I have no idea if this worked but who cares Sage finally came! I wonder what he thinks when he looks back on this part of his life!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

New Pictures!

A few days ago Spencer's cell phone broke. Today he dug through the junk drawer to find his old phone. When he hooked it up to the computer, I discovered almost 10-15 "NEW" pictures of Sage on the old phone. I just sat and cried as I looked at each picture. Every time I clicked to the next picture, my heart would just race wondering if he would be in the next photo. I was so happy and felt so blessed today. I have sat and looked at the pictures over and over again today. I will always be thankful for this tender mercy. I know the Lord watches over us daily he knows what we need when we really need it. I pray everyday that I will always live my life worthy of such tender mercy's and blessings from the Lord. Missing my little boy today...and everyday. His perfect little lips and nose...look at those big brown eyes! I sure do miss my little Sagebrush.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Little Treasure

The past few weeks I have been trying to remember every detail I can remember of Sage and our short time together. I remembered that 1 1/2 weeks before he died  Uncle DJ and I took all five kids to Hobby Lobby. I needed to find the perfect baby shower invites for Amanda's little Izzy.  I recall just laughing at DJ trying to watch all 5 kids while I shopped around.  I heard him hauler at a kid every know and again...saying..."Don't touch that!" or "You need to go pee again?"  "Lets go see if your Mom is done yet!"  "Get back over here and stay with the group!" I giggled and enjoyed my alone time in Hobby Lobby!  I look over and here comes Uncle DJ with all five kids in tow and each kid had a little goodie/toy.  DJ said it was the only thing that kept all of them happy!  He said, "We are buying them and that was that!" I laughed because DJ looked so desperate to keep them all quite and he finally did it! I do not remember anything about what toys the other kids got.  I just remember looking down at Sage he was holding his little rattle in his hand shaking it and laughing so hard!  Sage loved his little rattle and I thought he looked so adorable sitting in his Dinosaur car seat holding his little toy from Uncle DJ.

Well  like I said, I have not gone through any of Sages things up until the past few weeks.  It is just to difficult for me.  I have been thinking about the last days of his life and what we did together.  I remember Hobby Lobby and I remembered the little rattle.  I thought it was long gone by now and never thought I would see it again.  I never even bothered to look for the 25 cent plastic rattle.  Today, I went to Sages closet to find a diaper stacker that was Williams when he was a baby and out fell Sages little toy rattle from Hobby Lobby.

I picked it up and just cried.   I had found the rattle...or the rattle found me.  I like to think of it as a little Mothers Day present from Sage.  I had told no one about the rattle and that I wished I had it.  To me it means the world.  One more tangible reminder that he was here with our family.  One more memory that I have to hold on to. 

Friday, May 7, 2010

Sage's Headstone

It took me a very long time before I felt like ordering Sage's headstone. I wanted his stone to be perfect. I designed one and after shopping around, I realized it was going to cost us a small fortune for what I wanted. I finally came to the realization that whatever I picked out would never be good enough so finally I settled and picked out this Headstone.  I think it is beautiful. He has a beautiful name and this picture captures Sages sweet spirit so perfectly.

The saying "See you in the morning" came from another Angel Mommy. Becky talked about the Joy she will have when she gets to be with her little girl again in the morning of the first resurrection.   I have thought about this a lot. Sage passed away early in the morning and that morning was the darkest hour of my life.  I try everyday to think about the morning that he will be placed back in our arms.  live my life everyday so that on that Morning I will be found worthy to hold my baby boy again.

LYTE stands for "Love You Through Eternity" this is something that Spencer's family has said to each other for a very long time. We thought it fit perfectly and we are happy it was included on his headstone.  The Building on the Headstone is the Mesa Arizona Temple.  This is where Spencer and I were married and sealed for time and all eternity. 

Sage is burried on top of Spencer's little brother Kenny. The cemetery would not allow us to have a vase on his headstone. So we use Kenny's vase which is just above Sage's headstone.  still wish he had his own vase but I wish lots of things...

It is such a bittersweet feeling seeing your child's name and picture written on a headstone.  You are happy that when people walk by they will know that he is there.  But how your heart aches to see his name written on other things.  I just hurt and miss my baby. It has been 14 months and it this still hurts.  I try my best everyday...

Trey helped clean his baby brothers headstone.  When we got to the Cemetery Trey got out of the van and folded his arms.  He treats Sage and Kenny's grave with such respect and care.  
Richard and Carolyn met us there and the kids gathered pine cones, rocks and a tree branch, they wanted to decorate his grave. I thought it was sweet of them. My Mom came as well.  always takes the pictures. 

Tuesday, May 4, 2010


This is a subject that I have not wanted to talk about or even admit that I was having an issue with. After yesterdays post I realized I had talked about my Anger. I have tried so hard to always be positive and talk about everything else but I have kept quiet about the Anger.

I know everyone grieves differently that is normal but we will all cycle though the same emotions on our journey through grief. Some cry, some talk, some refuse to talk and some get angry. I think the key to grief is to allow each stage to come but to not get "stuck" in any one phase or cycle for very long. Allow yourself to feel each and every emotion and let it do its work and then move forward.

A few days after Sage passed away I found myself standing on the side of the road slamming my fists into the side of my van. A police officer saw me and was going to arrest me. Spencer and my Mom explained that my son died and we had just left the funeral home picking out a casket. The officer suggested calling an ambulance but after some consideration decided to let us go on our way.

I am not one to just sit and cry. I was raised by a Father that I had never seen shed one tear in all of his years. I was shocked to see tears in my Dads eyes when Sage passed away. He really never got involved in our child rearing but if he saw me crying he made sure I knew I was tougher than the tears and that I needed to suck it up.

So when Sage passed away I decided that day that I was not going to let this take me down. I was a tough Reidhead and I could conquer anything. I did not realize, even at the time, just how hard it was going to be to lose a child.

I think Sage had been gone 6 weeks or longer before I actually cried those gut wrenching sobs that had threatened to take over. When I started to feel that all too familiar feeling of wanting to break down and I cry would do something. The day of the funeral after the services when we were at the graveside my emotions started to get the best of me so I just got up and walked away.

After some time alone in the van I made my way back for the remainder of his graveside service. Another day I grabbed a shovel and dug up my back yard in the middle of July when the temperature was 110. I painted the bathrooms, kitchen, and kids rooms, or I made 200 hair bows.  I taught myself how to sew.  I also would rearrange my entire house.  I did all of this to run and hide from the tears and heartache. I would stuff the tears down deep and the anger would just bubble up.

I have never gotten Angry at Heavenly Father or asked why me or why my baby. Instead I would get angry at myself.  Angry that I was not as tough as I once thought.  Angry that I was not in control of my life.  Angry that I hurt so bad. Angry that I knew that this was something that was never going to get better one day.  I would feel the tears coming and I would fight them and get angry when they did come.  Angry that my eyes would get so puffy and angry that I now had a headache from crying so hard.  I would get angry if I was at church and my emotions got the better of me and I cried.  I would get even more angry if anyone saw me cry.  That was the worst.  I would rather have them see me angry than to see me being a cry baby. People would say your so strong...I never see you crying...if this happened to me I would stay in bed and cry all day. I would think to myself, well that is why this happened to me...I am stronger than you...I am not a cry baby. Well not me...instead you would see me outside kicking a shovel all over the back yard with bloody hands and blisters. That is just how I handle things.

When I got pregnant with this baby, I got extremely sick and my work habits changed dramatically. I went from running myself into the ground and hiding from my grief to sitting on the couch all day long facing my grief head on. I started crying in January and I have not stopped since. The tears just come and I have to let them come. I have cried so much. I have let go of my anger and I have embraced the tears. I don't care who sees me cry anymore. My eyes are always moist and my tears are always ready to pour. I am okay with it. It is okay to cry. Its okay to go through a whole box of tissues. It has been hard for me to let go of the anger and embrace the tears.

I watched this clip a long time ago and I have laughed so hard and cried as well. Our family's joke is. When ever, Spencer sees that I am pushing aside the tears and sees the anger boiling up, he will just look at me and say "here hit Weezer"! I just start laughing...it helps me so much and I am okay. I guess in a way my anger now has a name "Weezer". Weezer comes and goes but Weezer has not been around in a while. I see that I am healing slowly but surely.

My only advice to someone who has had to deal with Weezer is to just sit and pray. Pray for as long as you need to pray. Eventually the Spirit of the Holy Ghost will come and the hold "Weezer" has on you will pass. Grief is a series of phases and I'm sure my old friend Weezer will visit me every now and again.

For easier listening scroll to the bottom of the blog and pause "Sages Songs"

Monday, May 3, 2010

One Moment at a time...

A few days after Sage passed away I asked my sister Jessica and her husband John to gather up all of his things and put them in his room. I also had them move all of Trey's things out of the room. I came home that night and there was no trace of Sage having ever been in our home. His things where stashed away. It took me a few months before I could even open the door and step foot in his room. Then one day I was finally able to go in and clean his room and organize all of his things.

This past year I have had no idea what to do with his room or his things. Some days I had to refrain from slapping up some dry wall over the entrance and pretend it never was there so I did not have to deal with it.

I have gone in the garage and grabbed an axe. I have wanted to kick down the door and rip his room, crib and mattress to shreds. Sometimes, I honestly thought about taking a match and lighting the room on fire. I realize that none of these are realistic thoughts so I have left the room as is. You can call me crazy until you have lost a child don't judge because you really have no clue how bad it hurts.

The past year I would go into his room really late at night after the other kids were sound asleep and sit in the rocking chair and cry. I have not opened the drawers to look at his things. I have not opened the closet to see where his things where hung. I just sit in the chair and cry. The morning he passed away my Mother asked if we wanted pictures of Spencer and I holding him for the last time. I said yes. My Mother took four pictures. I got the pictures printed. I have them sitting next to the rocking chair in a book. I pull them out and look at each one. I know this sounds strange but grief does that to you. It is my way of trying to accept that my baby is gone. Trying with all my heart to come to terms with the fact that this was Gods will for me. I hardly look at pictures of him living because those hurt too bad but instead I look at the other pictures because him being gone is my reality.

I remember the way I felt the day he left. I felt at peace and was able to let him go....I could feel with every fiber of my being that it was his time and that it was no accident. I knew that his earthly mission was over and he was simply being called home. I read this scripture a few days after he passed away...
D&C 6:23 Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?

I sit in my rocking chair and try and picture what that night was like for Sage. Who came for him? What is it like to be welcomed back home? Was he happy to leave or was he sad? Did he suffer or did he die peacefully? So many unanswered questions? The feeling in his room is so peaceful. I try to imagine all the Angels and Spirits that were in his room. It is only then that I can let the peace come and let go of the anger.

The past few months I have slowly been going through his room. I have taken it one item at a time. Just like I have to take this journey of grief one minute at a time, I have taken his room apart one item at a time.

I have been able to clean out the dresser and closet. Today I cleaned out his crib. The dresser under the crib and the drawers next to the crib. I took off the remaining crib bedding and removed the mattress. One of the hardest things to pack away was all of the clothes that still had tags on them. Things he never got to wear.

I felt the waves of grief roll in and crash down around me. I hit my knees holding onto the rails of the crib just sobbing. You know, the cry that comes that nearly almost kills you. You think during this kind of cry that at any moment your heart will finally stop beating because it hurts too bad. Some how you breathe and you get to the next moment.

Once again I sent up a small prayer and turned and walked away from the room. Wishing that I did not have to know or understand how badly this hurts. I went down stairs and made adorable little Kerr jars full of hard candy. A jar for each one of the kids. Then I thought...oh please Heavenly Father don't let one of them choke and die on a piece of hard candy. I decided not to give them the candy. We made Popsicles instead.