Tuesday, December 1, 2009

I lost myself…..

I came across these pictures today. I had ten thousand thoughts running through my head. Look how happy I was to have these 4 children! These 4 children were my entire world! Look how happy I used to be with these 4! Look, they used to have a good, happy, healthy Mom! I wonder if I will ever be truly happy again here on earth? I am so grateful I still have these 4 children but it is harder now to be a Mother. My heart is broken and yes they help heal it everyday. I feel like they deserve a better Mother……not a broken, tired, run down, and sad Mother. I really do not feel like I am living.  I have check list a mile long of obligations that I have to finish before I die. Each day I check some off. That is no way to live or raise a family. Hopefully one day I will find that I am living and having fun.  I want to find this Mother again someday. Hopefully when the old Mom and the new Mom meet she can be better than she ever was before! Tonight I am mourning the loss of myself, I look in the mirror and I hardly recognize the person staring back at me. I miss being truly happy and living my life. It is hard to live when you feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and ran over by a semi truck. Little by little I will come back but I will never be the same again. I miss her, I miss me. My Mother said she felt like she lost her child that horrible day as well. I was 2 months pregnant with Sage……I had heaven on Earth.





Liz said...

Crystal I did say that. I lost the woman I knew the woman you were and I was so afraid. But I have to tell you that as hard as this journey has been and as hard as it will be I am seeing a new you begin to emerge. You are more confident in yourself, you speak your feelings more and don't sit back and let people take advantage, you have grown by leaps and bounds in the Gospel. You have learned, read, and grown so much...your mind has retained so much of the Gospel principles you have studdied since Sage's passing and you are sharing that with other's. You may think that your testimony is weak, shaky and even feel that you doubt the truthfullness of it at times but the truth is that you are anything but weak. You will never be the same person that you used to be and that is okay because if Heavenly Father wanted you to be the same person you were before he would never have set you on this path. He knew that you would grow and change and that is part of the plan. You will find happiness again I see glimpses of it everyday. Slowly but surely you will smile again and remember your son with more than just sadness. You will help so many along the way and I already see that happening. Nobody wants to be chosen to serve the mission you have been called to, in fact all mothers fear it, but called to it you have. You are serving with honor and I know you will get through this and be even better than you were before. I love you and I'm so proud of the grace and dignity you have shown through all of this.

BeckyinQC said...

Your mom really said it so well Crystal. You have a wonderful mother.

Your calling to serve the Lord by letting one of his choice spirits come to earth and fulfill his mission will probably be the ULTIMATE service project that you ever complete. What I have found through my own experience though is that DeLanee completed her ultimate service project upon me as well. She changed me into someone I could have NEVER been without her. I too look back at who I was before DeLanee passed and miss the innocence, simplicity and overall "happy go lucky" attitude I seemed to have and miss those days. In fact, hours before I got the "call" from my doctor with the news, Tommy and I had gone to Milano's to buy some christmas music books to play with Garrett to celebrate the season. It was actually today 6 years ago that we did this. I remember literally skipping across the parking lot back to my car because of how happy I was to be pregnant and alive. I don't think I have skipped since then (nor should I - not pretty!):)

But, on the other hand I wouldn't change it for the world - as I know you wouldn't either. Even though I will never have the exact same innocent/happy attitude as I did before, I am a different happy in the sense that I am so thankful for the things I've learned and the person I've grown into because of the experience I've had. It's such a double edged sword. I miss those days, but feel so blessed to have had to grown into who I am.

I know you hear it all the time and you don't believe it yourself, but you really are doing an amazing job and are someone that others can look to as an example of strength and faith as you have "changed" into who you are today.

Misty Rice said...

I feel your pain and hear your sadness through your written works.

I ache for you.

I believe and see myself feeling and thinking the same things had this been my life.

It is not...

But it feels like I have because I seem to relate so much and understand and hurt for you.

You are broken...... the loss of Sage will NEVER go away. It will always be a raw emotion. My aunt that lost her daughter, my cousin many years ago has never been the same. She has learned to smile more, enjoy the other kids and now grandkids, but you can see the sadness in her eyes and the pain in her heart.

I have been told .... we just learn to balance the happy and the sad, but its never easy and rarely ever on the same page. Its random

I pray for you to find that balance, peace and comfort. I want you to be a happy mom again too.

You didn't only lose a son, you went through a very traumatizing thing witnessing it all. It was horrific. So you have that to play in with all these emotions.

I pray that God helps your mind forget so much of the bag and remember all the beautiful happy day with Sage and be able to smile and live for the other 4 children and your husband still VERY much present and alive today.


God Bless.

Andrea said...

I came upon your blog today and I'm in tears. I'm so sorry you are traveling this long and HARD road of grief. I've been on that road for 21 months now and I'm finally feeling like there may be a reason to live again. But it's taken 21 months to get there.

I completely understand looking in the mirror and not recognizing that person staring back. I can see the sorrow and grief in my own eyes. Everything you are feeling is normal. I felt all those same things. It's just plain hard!

Those moments when you might feel somewhat normal again...those moments will come more and more frequently as time goes on. I'm finally feeling more moments of joy instead of the many, many awful moments of grief and sorrow. The first year is truly the worst. The second isn't much easier but I am finding more moments where I feel like I can live again. I guess I want to just tell you that it does get better. It will never go away our hearts are broken and will never be fully mended. I never thought I would ever feel joy again but recently I've felt it and I will tell you that is far more intense than I've ever felt before. I guess when you have felt the opposite extreme it becomes that more profound.

You are going through hard stuff right now. I had someone tell me if I didn't light myself on fire and run down the middle of the street the first year I was doing good. That first year and into the second is hard. Hang in there. I will pray for you. If there is anything I can do for you please let me know. Even though we have never meet before I feel a connection with you because we are traveling on that same road of grief. Again, I'm so sorry for your great loss. Sage's life sketch is simply beautiful. Thank you for letting me get to know your sweet angel.
Wyatt's mommy