I came across these pictures today. I had ten thousand thoughts running through my head. Look how happy I was to have these 4 children! These 4 children were my entire world! Look how happy I used to be with these 4! Look, they used to have a good, happy, healthy Mom! I wonder if I will ever be truly happy again here on earth? I am so grateful I still have these 4 children but it is harder now to be a Mother. My heart is broken and yes they help heal it everyday. I feel like they deserve a better Mother……not a broken, tired, run down, and sad Mother. I really do not feel like I am living. I have check list a mile long of obligations that I have to finish before I die. Each day I check some off. That is no way to live or raise a family. Hopefully one day I will find that I am living and having fun. I want to find this Mother again someday. Hopefully when the old Mom and the new Mom meet she can be better than she ever was before! Tonight I am mourning the loss of myself, I look in the mirror and I hardly recognize the person staring back at me. I miss being truly happy and living my life. It is hard to live when you feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and ran over by a semi truck. Little by little I will come back but I will never be the same again. I miss her, I miss me. My Mother said she felt like she lost her child that horrible day as well. I was 2 months pregnant with Sage……I had heaven on Earth.
Montana Trip Part I
4 years ago