Today started out as another "NEW NORMAL" day without Sage. I start with opening my eyes and remembering he is gone. I lay there making a mental list of all of my many blessings. It changes everyday but, I have to Thank my Heavenly Father for all of my blessing before my feet even hit the floor. I crawl out of bed and hit my knees praying for the strength that I need that day to live and keep breathing.
Today was a good day if you can even call them that. Spencer and I clipped our coupons and ran to Fry's while Trey was in school to go grocery shopping. We were able to refinance the house for a lower interest rate so we got to skip a house payment (TENDER MERCY) ! We decided to spend more on grocery's than usual to hopefully fill our pantry.
When we got to the register the little old lady checking us out asked "HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR FAMILY"? Ohh no the dreaded question. I hate this question. I can not bring myself to say 6 when I have 7. I still do not know how to answer the question gracefully. I decided to be honest with little old lady and tell her for some reason. I never really do, I just say 7 and drop it at that. I am glad that I prayed for added strength to help me get through the day.
I look at the little old woman and I say. "We have 7 in our family but our baby boy made his trip to Heaven a few months ago". The little old lady just stops what she is doing and asks, "Do you mind telling me how he died"? I said "He died of SIDS". Little old lady just starts crying......she goes I have lost four children FOUR children. Each baby was born a week to early, they lived a few days then died. This woman talked about coming home to empty nursery's time after time and how hard it was. She talked about the hurt, anger, pain, and deep sadness that a family feels. Little old lady talked about having EMPTY arms. I cried with her. I could not imagine losing 4 babies.
The little old lady taught me alot in 20 minutes.
I came home and hugged all 4 of my living babies! I held each one of them and thought about all the things that the Lord really has blessed me with. I again made a mental list and thanked Heavenly Father for all of my beautiful children.
The other thing I learned is that even though she is OLD she is still sad, heartbroken, hurting, yearning to hold her babies, and living through all of the pain and heart ache of it all.
Each heart holds its untold heart breaks. I would have never have guessed this little old, "cheerful" lady had lost 4 babies of her own. You never know the pain someone might be going through. Do not judge the book by its cover.
Little old Lady taught me that, it is okay to leave his Nursery, his things just as they are, until I am ready to deal with it. I wake up every day and this room sits at the top of the stairs completely empty, but yet so full of stuff. I have a few plans for some of the things.
Today was a good day....my pantry and heart are full. I love my Heavenly Father and his only begotten Son Jesus Christ. I know one day they will wipe away all of our hidden heart aches. We will be with our babies again. Even though I will never fully understand the Lords plan and will for me. Heavenly Father knows me and I just have to trust him and love him no matter what.
I will keep little old lady in my prayers. I will wave to her if I see her again because, I know that she knows how I feel about empty arms and empty nurseries.