Thursday, October 29, 2009

Empty Arms and Empty Nurseries

Today started out as another "NEW NORMAL" day without Sage. I start with opening my eyes and remembering he is gone. I lay there making a mental list of all of my many blessings. It changes everyday but, I have to Thank my Heavenly Father for all of my blessing before my feet even hit the floor. I crawl out of bed and hit my knees praying for the strength that I need that day to live and keep breathing.

Today was a good day if you can even call them that. Spencer and I clipped our coupons and ran to Fry's while Trey was in school to go grocery shopping. We were able to refinance the house for a lower interest rate so we got to skip a house payment (TENDER MERCY) ! We decided to spend more on grocery's than usual to hopefully fill our pantry.

When we got to the register the little old lady checking us out asked "HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR FAMILY"? Ohh no the dreaded question. I hate this question. I can not bring myself to say 6 when I have 7. I still do not know how to answer the question gracefully. I decided to be honest with little old lady and tell her for some reason. I never really do, I just say 7 and drop it at that. I am glad that I prayed for added strength to help me get through the day.

I look at the little old woman and I say. "We have 7  in our family but our baby boy made his trip to Heaven a few months ago". The little old lady just stops what she is doing and asks, "Do you mind telling me how he died"? I said "He died of SIDS". Little old lady just starts crying......she goes I have lost four children FOUR children. Each baby was born a week to early, they lived a few days then died. This woman talked about coming home to empty nursery's time after time and how hard it was. She talked about the hurt, anger, pain, and deep sadness that a family feels. Little old lady talked about having EMPTY arms. I cried with her. I could not imagine losing 4 babies.

The little old lady taught me alot in 20 minutes. 

I came home and hugged all 4 of my living babies! I held each one of them and thought about all the things that the Lord really has blessed me with. I again made a mental list and thanked Heavenly Father for all of my beautiful children.

The other thing I learned is that even though she is OLD she is still sad, heartbroken, hurting, yearning to hold her babies, and living through all of the pain and heart ache of it all.

Each heart holds its untold heart breaks. I would have never have guessed this little old, "cheerful" lady had lost 4 babies of her own. You never know the pain someone might be going through. Do not judge the book by its cover.

Little old Lady taught me that, it is okay to leave his Nursery, his things just as they are, until I am ready to deal with it. I wake up every day and this room sits at the top of the stairs completely empty, but yet so full of stuff. I have a few plans for some of the things.

Today was a good pantry and heart are full. I love my Heavenly Father and his only begotten Son Jesus Christ. I know one day they will wipe away all of our hidden heart aches. We will be with our babies again. Even though I will never fully understand the Lords plan and will for me. Heavenly Father knows me and I just have to trust him and love him no matter what.

I will keep little old lady in my prayers. I will wave to her if I see her again because, I know that she knows how I feel about empty arms and empty nurseries.

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Kristy said...

Thank you for the beautiful post. You and Sage make me want to be a better person. I will keep you and little old lady in my prayers too.

Liz said...

I'm so glad Heavenly Father put you in the "little old lady's" line today and that you felt compelled to tell her the truth. Both of your "Sunday's" will come and when I think about that day my heart swells and I's going to be one, if not THE, happiest day of our lives.
As for the nursery - there is a feeling I get every time I walk into it. The spirit is SO strong in that room that it takes my breath away. I can feel it just looking at the pictures. I love his room and I know one day Heavenly Father will let you know what to do with it...Faith...we would be lost without it.
I love you

Sharron said...

I'm so glad that you had these special moments with the little old lady. I hope that you do realize that she is not going through all that pain constantly. Over the years, you can tuck it back in your mind and heart. It is OK when you are able to do it. It is always there, but not consuming your every moment. It enables you to go on and to focus on the children who need you. There is comfort knowing that your child who has gone on, not only gives you their permission, they want you to. They understand your pain, but want you to be happy and your life to be full of joy.

Just as with the little old lady, there will be moments when you will share a special bond with others who have gone through the same experience. You will share the joy that these special spirits brought into your lives, however briefly. You will draw strength from the sharing while giving strength at the same time.

We love you all!

Deeanna said...


I'm sure that at times it has been difficult to share this heartbreaking journey with us, but please know that my testimony is strengthened each time I read your entries. You are truly an inspiration to so many.


Mama Byrd said...

I stopped in the middle of your post and looked to Heaven and just started talking to my son. How much I appreciated him and his sacrifice to get me to go to the Dr's and find out the real issues of our infertility and if it weren't for him I wouldn't have tried again, I wouldn't have his sister. I would have had empty arms forever. Sage will forever be a part of my heart.

RIP Stanford Jacob. Mommy misses you.

Amanda and John said...

It's amazing how the Lord places people in our paths even if we see them for a short time. It has always amazed me at how delicately orchestrated our dance with others is. What details of her day put her registrar, at that time, on that day? Just for the sole purpose of meeting you. The Lord works in mysterious ways to bring it all together.

This nursery brings back so many happy memories, and before I can feel happy looking at the pictures waves of sadness hit.

Mariah said...

I'm so glad that you were able to refinance your home, refill your pantry and refill yourself with the strength you needed from Little Old Lady. Sending hugs your way...

Misty Rice said...

Oh how painful and how I ache for you. I cant even begin to pretend like I can relate or understand. Just praying, praying, praying...