Tuesday, May 4, 2010


This is a subject that I have not wanted to talk about or even admit that I was having an issue with. After yesterdays post I realized I had talked about my Anger. I have tried so hard to always be positive and talk about everything else but I have kept quiet about the Anger.

I know everyone grieves differently that is normal but we will all cycle though the same emotions on our journey through grief. Some cry, some talk, some refuse to talk and some get angry. I think the key to grief is to allow each stage to come but to not get "stuck" in any one phase or cycle for very long. Allow yourself to feel each and every emotion and let it do its work and then move forward.

A few days after Sage passed away I found myself standing on the side of the road slamming my fists into the side of my van. A police officer saw me and was going to arrest me. Spencer and my Mom explained that my son died and we had just left the funeral home picking out a casket. The officer suggested calling an ambulance but after some consideration decided to let us go on our way.

I am not one to just sit and cry. I was raised by a Father that I had never seen shed one tear in all of his years. I was shocked to see tears in my Dads eyes when Sage passed away. He really never got involved in our child rearing but if he saw me crying he made sure I knew I was tougher than the tears and that I needed to suck it up.

So when Sage passed away I decided that day that I was not going to let this take me down. I was a tough Reidhead and I could conquer anything. I did not realize, even at the time, just how hard it was going to be to lose a child.

I think Sage had been gone 6 weeks or longer before I actually cried those gut wrenching sobs that had threatened to take over. When I started to feel that all too familiar feeling of wanting to break down and I cry would do something. The day of the funeral after the services when we were at the graveside my emotions started to get the best of me so I just got up and walked away.

After some time alone in the van I made my way back for the remainder of his graveside service. Another day I grabbed a shovel and dug up my back yard in the middle of July when the temperature was 110. I painted the bathrooms, kitchen, and kids rooms, or I made 200 hair bows.  I taught myself how to sew.  I also would rearrange my entire house.  I did all of this to run and hide from the tears and heartache. I would stuff the tears down deep and the anger would just bubble up.

I have never gotten Angry at Heavenly Father or asked why me or why my baby. Instead I would get angry at myself.  Angry that I was not as tough as I once thought.  Angry that I was not in control of my life.  Angry that I hurt so bad. Angry that I knew that this was something that was never going to get better one day.  I would feel the tears coming and I would fight them and get angry when they did come.  Angry that my eyes would get so puffy and angry that I now had a headache from crying so hard.  I would get angry if I was at church and my emotions got the better of me and I cried.  I would get even more angry if anyone saw me cry.  That was the worst.  I would rather have them see me angry than to see me being a cry baby. People would say your so strong...I never see you crying...if this happened to me I would stay in bed and cry all day. I would think to myself, well that is why this happened to me...I am stronger than you...I am not a cry baby. Well not me...instead you would see me outside kicking a shovel all over the back yard with bloody hands and blisters. That is just how I handle things.

When I got pregnant with this baby, I got extremely sick and my work habits changed dramatically. I went from running myself into the ground and hiding from my grief to sitting on the couch all day long facing my grief head on. I started crying in January and I have not stopped since. The tears just come and I have to let them come. I have cried so much. I have let go of my anger and I have embraced the tears. I don't care who sees me cry anymore. My eyes are always moist and my tears are always ready to pour. I am okay with it. It is okay to cry. Its okay to go through a whole box of tissues. It has been hard for me to let go of the anger and embrace the tears.

I watched this clip a long time ago and I have laughed so hard and cried as well. Our family's joke is. When ever, Spencer sees that I am pushing aside the tears and sees the anger boiling up, he will just look at me and say "here hit Weezer"! I just start laughing...it helps me so much and I am okay. I guess in a way my anger now has a name "Weezer". Weezer comes and goes but Weezer has not been around in a while. I see that I am healing slowly but surely.

My only advice to someone who has had to deal with Weezer is to just sit and pray. Pray for as long as you need to pray. Eventually the Spirit of the Holy Ghost will come and the hold "Weezer" has on you will pass. Grief is a series of phases and I'm sure my old friend Weezer will visit me every now and again.

For easier listening scroll to the bottom of the blog and pause "Sages Songs"


Sharron said...

Isn't that the greatest movie. I watch it when I need to get things out and this scene is one of the reasons . . that and the dad is way too much like Jon, can you believe that? In fact, he gets more like that every day. Don't tell him I said that. He thinks I'm the crazy one . . . so do the kids . . . now the whole world will know, Jon is a closet NUT!

Once again, thanks. Love all of you.

Kris said...

You are beautiful, Crystal. Your thoughts are beautiful, your words are beautiful & your spirit is beautiful. Thank you.