Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Priceless Loans...

Elder H. Burke Peterson said: " Mother is a child's lifeline. Children are not a gift to us, but a precious loan, a priceless loan to be returned---returned more valuable than when we received them.......The charge is ours to increase their worth.......(God created you to learn to be a good Mother---an Eternal Mother. It is your first and foremost calling.")

I have read this quote over and over again today. I think about Sage and I know I was his lifeline. I woke up that morning looking for him and wanting to nurse him. I did my best at making sure I kept my breast milk clean and pure. I made sure almost all of his baby food was handmade. I nourished his body in and out of the womb. I can honestly say I did my best to take care of his body and my body.

A priceless loan to be returned---returned more valuable than when we received them! I have spent a long time thinking about Sages life. I convinced myself that he was called home because I was an awful Mother. I beat myself up for every mistake I had ever made. If only I had tried harder or done a better job being a Mother to 5 children. Maybe just maybe he could have stayed. I thought Heavenly Father was not proud of me or my Mothering abilities. I was scared to get pregnant again because, I just knew I was a terrible Mother.Why would he loan me another special Spirit? When he just came and took one home.

The more I have pondered this quote the clearer its message rang in my ears. Sage was a priceless loan to be returned-----returned  more valuable than when Sage came to me. Looking back over his short life I can know that I did the best job I could do. That night when I lay him down to sleep. Sage was freshly bathed, fully nourished, clean pj's, spotless room, played with, tickled and completely loved. Every, night for 8 months and 2 days I layed him down to sleep the same way. Everyday, I tried my hardest to be the best Mom I could be. I took him to church, read him scriptures, and gave him my whole heart.

I truly believe that when he was called back home to his Heavenly home his mission was complete. I realize that I did send him home more valuable than when I received him. That is all Heavenly Father asked of me. I fulfilled my first calling to be a good Mother---I will stay and prepare myself to fulfill the rest of my calling to be his Eternal Mother. Sage is waiting and looking forward to that day as much as I am. I am going to try to no longer feel guilty that  this was my fault. I did my best.

7 comments:

Michelle said...

I am glad you are seeing what everyone else has always seen. You are an amazing mother and person!

debra said...

You are an amazing mother! I love that quote - I'll have to write it down...
Beautiful post! Heavenly Father has sent you here as well to return to him more valuable then when you came - this experience is refining you in the same way, teaching you to draw near to Him to get you through each day! You are such an example to me... Love ya!

J+C+4=FUN said...

Crystal, I have told you thank you for this blog. You have touched so much with you testimony and experience. I'm sorry you had to go through this but you are not going through it alone. I love talking to you and reading what you write. Thank you for being my example.

Marie said...

Of course you didn't lose him because you are a bad mom. There are terrible moms out there who abuse their kids, and they don't lose them. You seem like a really caring mom from what I've seen on your website.

Layne said...

Crystal I had goosebumps reading this post! You are such a great mom. You have amazing children, too. Your testimony and belief in yourself makes me so happy!

Georgia said...

Thank you Crystal. I cried through your message. It was so sweet and so perfect. You are the best mom and Spencer the best dad. I am so happy that you have found that his life was complete and you had been his life line making him brighter and more than he was when he was born. I admire you so much. I have looked up to you since I met you. Love you.

Trina said...

Crystal, I want you to know that you are a very special mom. That is why Heavenly Father sent Sage to your home. He knew that Sage would receive the very best from you and Spencer and Sage's older brothers and sister. You are always in my heart and my prayers.
Trina