The days, weeks, and months after Sage died, the thought of having another baby was out of the question. We were terrified and did not feel that we would ever be able to feel confident in our ability to take care of another infant again. I mean our baby died in his crib just down the hallway from us and we just slept right through it. The provide and protect feeling a Mother has for her child was gone.....
Over time my heart started to change. Soon I was wanting to have and hold another baby, not just any baby, my baby. Right after Saget died I could barely be around other babies in fact I was terrified of them. There was so much guilt on my part and the thought that I could accidentally hurt another innocent child was too much. After all I am the person who put Sage to sleep with a quilt. I should have known better. I know almost every person in the world puts their baby to sleep with a blanket and they never think that it could harm them. We don't even know for sure if the blanket caused his SIDS but Spencer found it wrapped around his head and that thought haunts us.
It was so hard seeing woman with their babies so happy and in love with them. For a very long time I thought Sage was taken because I was not a good mother……like I was being punished for being a bad Mom. I soon realized that I was not a bad Mother, in fact I realized that I am a good Mother……I loved my Baby as much as these women loved their babies. For some reason mine was called home…….so I would sit and hold their babies it was difficult because it was not my baby and I knew I had to give them back to their Mothers that loved them dearly. I felt that Heavenly Father must love these Mothers more than me because I was just as happy and in love with my baby and yet my baby was gone and I was heartbroken.
When a Mother loses a child so much guilt comes from the loss. I call them the shoulda, woulda and coulda’s! I have come to the conclusion that his passing was not my fault. That it was simply his time to go and Heavenly Father called him home. He was going to go no matter what blanket was in his crib.
Yesterday William came home from school put his arms around me and said, "Momma I missed you so much today!" Then he said that when the teacher asked each of his classmates what they got for Christmas, William said………My Momma is pregnant and I get to be a big brother to a new baby sister or brother! I had tears running down my cheeks……..nothing else mattered to him except the new baby that is on the way not the gifts it was the baby that mattered most to my little man.
William laid his head on my lap with his hand holding my belly. He talked in his baby voice for over an hour.
He told the baby everything that he thought Sage would be telling him or her in Heaven. He told the baby everything that his Momma would do when it got here.
- give you baths
- cuddle with you
- play with you
- read to you
- take you to church
- cook you yummy food and treats
- take you to the dollar store
- make you birthday cakes
- tickle you
- take pictures of you
- get up in the morning even though Momma is not a morning person
- wash your stinky socks and underwear
- teach you cool stuff
- make hair bows for you (he really wants a girl)
- dress you up
- protect you
- love you
- that she would have the best Momma on earth
- that Momma knows everything and she can help you when your so sad and having a bad day
- The list just went on and on…….He talked about what a good big brother he was going to be and that Sage would tell her all about our family and what a good time she will have here in our home!
- I just sat there the entire hour with tears running down my face.
- I needed to hear, more than anything, that I was a good Momma to my children.
- I needed to hear about the things William thinks makes me a good Momma!
- I sat and held my 1st born on my lap and thanked Heavenly Father for him. What would my life have been like if I did not have him in my life?
- I felt the atonement of Jesus Christ healing me just a little bit more yesterday afternoon.
- I felt that Sage was with us for that moment in time confirming to my heart that the things that William said was true!
- Even though I am terrified to be around a sleeping baby. I know that this baby is bringing healing, comfort, and joy to our family.
- I look forward to holding my baby in my arms.
- I know it will never take the place that, Sage has taken in our family circle but, it will take an important place in our circle!
- I look forward to a new life and new beginnings!
William refused to let me tuck him into bed at night for almost 7 months after Sage died. He was scared that I would tuck him in the same way I tucked Sage in. That in itself was a difficult trial to bare. I mean a kid should feel safe letting his mother tuck him into bed. It is hard to explain SIDS to a child, when us as adults do not understand how a perfectly healthy child can simply just not wake up in the morning. I did not force the situation. I just said that when he was ready I would love to tuck him into bed. One night he just let me and I cried…………………….
William and I have both come a long ways and we are healing together. I have had to teach my children how to grieve in the boundaries the Lord has created for us. I have taught them that it is okay to laugh, love and trust Heavenly Father even when it is hard.
Will and Sage