Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The Best Christmas Gift

A few days before Christmas Spencer and I found out that we are expecting our 6th child.
The days, weeks, and months after Sage died, the thought of having another baby was out of the question. We were terrified and did not feel that we would ever be able to feel confident in our ability to take care of another infant again. I mean our baby died in his crib just down the hallway from us and we just slept right through it. The provide and protect feeling a Mother has for her child was gone.....
Over time my heart started to change.  Soon I was wanting to have and hold another baby, not just any baby, my baby. Right after Saget died I could barely be around other babies in fact I was terrified of them. There was so much guilt on my part and the thought that I could accidentally hurt another innocent child was too much. After all I am the person who put Sage to sleep with a quilt.  I should have known better.  I know almost every person in the world puts their baby to sleep with a blanket and they never think that it could harm them.  We don't even know for sure if the blanket caused his SIDS but Spencer found it wrapped around his head and that thought haunts us.
It was so hard seeing woman with their babies so happy and in love with them. For a very long time I thought Sage was taken because I was not a good mother……like I was being punished for being a bad Mom.  I soon realized that I was not a bad Mother, in fact I realized that I am a good Mother……I loved my Baby as much as these women loved their babies.  For some reason mine was called home…….so I would sit and hold their babies it was difficult because it was not my baby and I knew I had to give them back to their Mothers that loved them dearly.  I felt that Heavenly Father must love these Mothers more than me because I was just as happy and in love with my baby and yet my baby was gone and I was heartbroken.
When a Mother loses a child so much guilt comes from the loss.  I call them the shoulda, woulda and coulda’s! I have come to the conclusion that his passing was not my fault. That it was simply his time to go and Heavenly Father called him home.  He was going to go no matter what blanket was in his crib.

Yesterday William came home from school put his arms around me and said,  "Momma I missed you so much today!" Then he said that when the teacher asked each of his classmates what they got for Christmas, William said………My Momma is pregnant and I get to be a big brother to a new baby sister or brother! I had tears running down my cheeks……..nothing else mattered to him except the new baby that is on the way not the gifts it was the baby that mattered most to my little man.
William laid his head on my lap with his hand holding my belly. He talked in his baby voice for over an hour.
He told the baby everything that he thought Sage would be telling him or her in Heaven.  He told the baby everything that his Momma would do when it got here.

  • give you baths
  • cuddle with you
  • play with you
  • read to you
  • take you to church
  • cook you yummy food and treats
  • take you to the dollar store
  • make you birthday cakes
  • tickle you
  • take pictures of you
  • get up in the morning even though Momma is not a morning person
  • wash your stinky socks and underwear
  • teach you cool stuff
  • make hair bows for you (he really wants a girl)
  • dress you up
  • protect you
  • love you
  • that she would have the best Momma on earth
  • that Momma knows everything and she can help you when your so sad and having a bad day
  • The list just went on and on…….He talked about what a good big brother he was going to be and that Sage would tell her all about our family and what a good time she will have here in our home!
  • I just sat there the entire hour with tears running down my face.
  • I needed to hear, more than anything, that I was a good Momma to my children.
  • I needed to hear about the things William thinks makes me a good Momma!
  • I sat and held my 1st born on my lap and thanked Heavenly Father for him. What would my life have been like if I did not have him in my life?
  • I felt the atonement of Jesus Christ healing me just a little bit more yesterday afternoon.
  • I felt that Sage was with us for that moment in time confirming to my heart that the things that William said was true!
  • Even though I am terrified to be around a sleeping baby. I know that this baby is bringing healing, comfort, and joy to our family.
  • I look forward to holding my baby in my arms.
  • I know it will never take the place that, Sage has taken in our family circle but, it will take an important place in our circle!
  • I look forward to a new life and new beginnings!
William has been through his own journey of grief. He is a very tender hearted little boy. There have been many times that he has cried so hard for so many hours. I have learned how to try and help him but it hurts so bad as a parent to see your child in pain and you know that there is nothing you can do to help that child. William misses Sage so much. He always gives me hugs and asks me if I am okay today with Sage being gone.

William refused to let me tuck him into bed at night for almost 7 months after Sage died. He was scared that I would tuck him in the same way I tucked Sage in. That in itself was a difficult trial to bare. I mean a kid should feel safe letting his mother tuck him into bed. It is hard to explain SIDS to a child, when us as adults do not understand how a perfectly healthy child can simply just not wake up in the morning. I did not force the situation. I just said that when he was ready I would love to tuck him into bed. One night he just let me and I cried…………………….
William and I have both come a long ways and we are healing together. I have had to teach my children how to grieve in the boundaries the Lord has created for us. I have taught them that it is okay to laugh, love and trust Heavenly Father even when it is hard.
Will and Sage
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16 comments:

Evan Reker said...

Congrats

I am super excited to hear that you are expecting again! When are you due? I am glad you and Will are healing together

Denise Reker
http://waitingforalittlereker.blogspot.com/

Misty Rice said...

I LIKE THE NEW BLOG DESIGN AND YOUR POST WAS HEARTFELT. CONGRATS. I STARTED TO CRY READING ABOUT YOUR SON NOT WANTING YOU TO TUCK HIM IN. THAT WOULD BE A PAINFUL THING TO HEAR AS A MOTHER OF ALREADY A BROKEN HEART. I AM HAPPY TO SEE SOME SMILES COMING YOUR WAY SOON WITH A NEW BABY. THIS NEW BABY WILL NOT REPLACE SAGE. SAGE WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN, AND I ALSO THINK THAT THIS NEW "GIFT" OF A CHILD FROM GOD..... IS HIS WAY OF SAYING.... "YOU ARE A FANTASTIC MOTHER, AND THAT IS WHY I HAVE CHOSEN YOU TO RAISE AND TEACH ALL 6 OF THIS ANGELS OF MINE."

GOD BLESS AND HERE IS TO WISHING YOU A HAPPY BLESSED FILLED NEW YEAR.

Royalbird said...

You don't know me, but I'm a blog follower who usually refrains from commenting, but...

Congrats on expecting again! I have another dear friend who lost a child and soon after had another baby and that has really helped her heal somewhat.

Your William sounds like my Westley, who is my oldest. He just loves his baby brothers and sister dearly. I am just grateful that he is such a loving big brother. It sounds like you are helping each other through this.

Jenna King
http://www.cnjking.blogspot.com

Sharron said...

This is such a wonderful post Crystal. I pray for the day that your mind is totally at ease that there is no way the quilt contributed to Sage's death.

It is interesting to hear you say the things that your mom has said, that as a mother, she should be able to protect you from this whole experience.

A thought just occurred to me. Isn't it funny that we want to do that? Would we really want to take the opportunities for strengthening the spirit from our children, the ones that we love so much.

We all want to, but judging forom some of my mistakes, it sure doesn't serve them as well as just supporting them through the hard times.

I am excited that you have grown enough to step forward with this next step and pray that all will go well for you, your family and the new baby!!

Love you and think of you many times a day!!

Danielle said...

I am very happy for you and Spencer! You have so much love to give to a new baby.

I am glad to see that you and William are healing together. The second picture where he is touching Sage's foot is adorable!

Carolyn said...

What a wonderful big brother Will is! Thanks for sharing these special moments. I am so excited for you guys! I hope it is a little girl too! :) We will always remember Sage. He has affected so many lives. You are a terrific mother and there are so many ways that I am trying to be more like you. :)

Mama Byrd said...

SO happy for you. It truly healed me faster being pregnant with Kenadie the exact time frame a yr later that I carried Stanford. Congrats

Olivia's Mommy said...

Congrats to you and your family! What a blessing :)

Amanda and John said...

This post made me cry. I love how much William loves being a big brother. I love how seriously he takes his job. He is so soft hearted, and loving. He makes a wonderful big brother, and is going to make a wonderful father when the time comes.

I am so excited for you, and the new little one on the way. I can't wait to be there when she/he makes his/her appearance. I too think it's a girl!

The Reluctant Crunchy Mama said...

Wow, you and your son are amazing. I admire you both. Congratulations and I wish you and your family the very best.

Rachel Doyle said...

Hi - you don't know me either - but I found you on Andrea & Wyatt's blog - I lost my own tiny newborn son 3 years ago and since have had 3 more babies. After Nathan passed away I wanted another baby so very bad - not to replace him, because no one can - but to fill my empty arms. It is wonderful that you are expecting and again will have your arms filled. Rachel Doyle

www.doylefamilyutah.blogspot.com

Stephen said...

Your Will is such a sweet boy. I have fun watching him when we're up there. He's right. You're a good Momma. You found and amazing man that is a great Dad and you do so much for your kids. Your kids know you love them from the depths of your soul, but Will is old enough to express it so clearly. He's a perceptive boy with so much tenderness in his heart. You can see from the list just how much all the little things mean to these kiddos. You're a great Momma...don't ever forget that or doubt it. I'm SO excited for your new little bundle!

Marie said...

What a beautiful, beautiful post. Of course you didn't cause the SIDS, many babies have died of SIDS when there was no blanket, they were on their back, no smoking...everything was "right" but it still happened. There was nothing you could do.

The new baby will be coming to a very loving home. Your other 4 children look like happy, healthy kids, so clearly you are doing something right. Perhaps Sage was just a little soul who only came for a short stay on earth - and now he's sending one of his little angel friends in his place!

I can only imagine how terrifying it will be to put your baby to bed for that first year. I really recommend you get some kind of monitor, just for your own peace of mind and so you will be able to sleep without jumping up every 5 minutes. I know someone who uses an Angel Care monitor, do you have those in your area?

Glahn Family said...

Crystal, Im so happy for you and your family. I cry for you and Cory often. I know you hurt and hold the pain.I have probably said this before. I know the burning desire of wanting to hold your child that you created. Not being able to get pregnant and seeing in your dreams what you child looks like and is right in front of you and not being able to hold that child is a hard emotion to cary. I know a small portion of your pain. Because you did hold him. My small pain is hard. I know this. Be a happy pregnant Mom. And be positive and remember Faith and Fear don't reside together.. I remember when Sage was born. I was your Vter and I came to visit you.I just moved here. You are still that same beautiful Mom who shows nothing but love for her kiddos.. Your doing it girl. Hang in there.. love ya lots and lots.

christina-defining moments said...

I am rejoicing with the news of your pregnancy and mourning with you the loss of your beautiful Sage. I pray peace over you for this pregnancy.

Heather said...

You will be a great mother to your new baby! I am sure you will be nervous, that probably is to be expected! You have amazing courage, and we have all learned a lot from you! Here is a product, I do not know if you know about them or not, but I thought it might help ease some of the stress you have, and I hope you will be able to sleep at night! Thanks for sharing your story.

http://www.angelcare-monitor.com/United-States/en/home