I would be lying to you and myself if I said that the 19th of each month is not hard for me. The 17th of the month I think…….he would have been….so many months old today. Then the 19th of the month I have a million more thoughts begin to flood in.
It started with I can’t believe he has been gone for 1 month. Wow one month. Where did the month go? 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 months gone longer than he was here, 9 months, today marks 10 months.
I think to myself I have every right to have a party in my family’s honor on the 19th of every month! 10 Months closer to being with Sage. 10 months we have stayed strong. 10 months we have held our family together. 10 months of pure gut wrenching heartache, but we are doing the hard things. 10 months of finding out what we really are made of. 10 months of my life that when I get back to Heaven, I know Heavenly Father will hug me and say well done! Today is one of those sad days where the tears find you and you cry.
I came home from car pooling and when I opened the garage door this is what I found! I was like those darn kids…..look at the mess they made now! Then I started laughing, my kids did not make this MESS they are in school! WHAT THE HEY???? Who did this??? I looked over and saw my Baby Brothers driving away from the scene of the crime! I just sat in my van, tears pouring down my face laughing my butt off!
All the women in my life have been wonderful! Plates of goodies, phone calls, texts, emails, service, and long talks. They have all helped but this…….for some reason, this helped me so much today! I guess even in your darkest hours you do not need to take life so SEROIUS! Sometimes it is okay to laugh and find the humor in the little things!
I am so thankful for my Little Brothers. The day Sage passed away they helped carry me. DJ, was in my bedroom when Sage’s little Spirit finally left his little body. DJ fought the police that kept interrogating Spencer and me. I know it was his way of trying to help. DJ does not like to talk about Sage at all. I know it is too painful for him. I know that he loves me and thinks the world of me and my family! The last day of Sages life was spent with Uncle Doy Jay eating at Burger King! I love you Doy Jay!
Royal, he came over almost every night that Spencer worked, those first couple of months afterwards. I had trouble sleeping, he would sit with me until I was finally able to go to sleep. He checked on the kids for me and let me talk about the hard things over and over again. Royal let me cry. Royal made sure Spencer was given a birthday party the day after Sage died. Royal did what I could not do for myself. I love you Royal.
I will never forget how I felt the last time I saw my Brothers hold Sage’s little body. How careful they were with him. I remember seeing grown boys turn into Men that day. I will forever be grateful for my Baby Brothers. So many times they have been there for me. So many times they have been the Big Brother and I the Baby Sister.
When it came time to pick pall bearers it was a difficult decision for us. So many Uncles, I knew all of them loved Sage and would be honored. I knew that none of them knew Sage the way Royal and Doy Jay did. Royal and Doy Jay each had changed his diapers, bathed him, carried his car seat for me, and given Sage nicknames. Royal called him “TANK”! Doy Jay called him his little “TATOR SPUD”! So we choose them to carry his casket along with both Grandpas. I stood still with tears swelling, when I saw my Baby Brothers carrying Sages casket. It is a feeling you will never understand until, you see 4 men carrying such a tiny casket and showing so much love and respect for the tiny rider inside. I carried Sage for 9 months, the world held him for 8 months 2 days and my Baby Brothers carried him the rest of the way for me. I will be forever grateful that they did this for me. I wonder if they stop to think they are the last ones that held this tiny perfect little baby boy? I think they do.
So today when my baby brothers rearranged my garage I laughed harder than I ever had and cried harder than I ever had. I am thankful for them and how much they love me! Spencer laughed and cried just as hard! The kids laughed all day long. My family needed a little laughter today!
Camping chairs with mop heads and bike helmets! For some reason I found this so funny!
Bikes up on jacks!
Upside down bikes!
Sages Grandpas and Uncles.
Sage Momma misses you today.
Montana Trip Part I
4 years ago