Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Family Pictures

My Dear Little Man,

Grandma and Aunt Jessy have been gently urging me to share my feelings. I learned rather quickly who I felt I could share my pain and grief with. I understood that my Mother would listen to me and be there for me any time of the day or night. Mom has always been here for me. I love my Mother. Mom cried with me and has allowed me show my sadness and be myself.

My Dad on the other hand was different. I knew before Sage died that crying and grieving was, in his eyes, was for the weak and cry babies. I never once talked to my Dad about Sage or how his death upset me. I tried to be strong around my Dad. I held back the tears and put on my "I don't give a damn" face. A poker face around my Dad. I did good at acting like I was tough because, after all, that is how Dad raised and expected me to be.

Last September...(the very last time my Dad stepped foot in my home) he came in and sat down. We had a casual conversation about the weather and stuff.  Then my Dad looked at me and said. "Aren't you glad that BOY of yours Died! You would be really busy if he was here!" I just looked at my Dad in disbelief that he had even uttered such words to me! I looked right at him and said "Yes Dad I am so glad that BOY of mine DIED now Spencer and I do not have to buy him Christmas presents this year! I am also thankful that I do not have to buy him any diapers! Think about all the money we are saving with him gone!!!!!" Dad looked at me and said "you will hate me for saying this but its true! My Aunts lost babies and they did not cry over those kids! You need to get over it already! You live at the graveyard and that is not right!!!!!"

I sat on my living room floor the rest of the day...wondering if my Dad had really uttered such crap to me!!!! I thought about it over and over!!!! I thought I had been handling this trial so well! I thought I was doing good! I know that over the past 2 years I have been to the GRAVEYARD maybe 5 times at the most!!! I did not feel that I lived there!!! I was shocked that my Dad said all of these things to me!

2 days later....My Mom called me at 11:30 at night in tears. She said your Dad just left me! He said that he wanted out! He did not like his kids and he wanted out of the family! ------Long story short------Dad left my Mom after 32 years of marriage for a 39 year old White trash Hoe! Her name is Jen and let me tell you she is a piece of work to say the least! I think she is super classy! HERE is the CLINCHER JEN has an 8 year old Daughter.....any guesses as to what the little girls name MIGHT BE???? If you guessed SAGE you are right!!!! Yes my Dads girlfriends daughters name is SAGE!! Weird, creepy, BIG red FLAG! You be the judge of that one!

Anyways, my family has been through so much since last October! I am happy to report that we are all doing great! Mom is happy! We are all happy! Doing well! Even though my Dad is lost! Lost is the only word to describe him! I pity him! I pray for him! Like I said Long story short! My Dad has been a TERRIBLE Dad my entire life! He was extremely physically and verbally abusive! Through all of his faults I always loved my Dad and tried to live my life so that one day he could look at me and tell me that he was proud of me! I learned, however, that NO matter how hard I have tried to please him, I will never be enough and neither will my family! I learned that it is okay! I am a good person and I know that my Heavenly Father loves me! I know that he is proud of me and that is all that matters! As for my Dad...well He was right I do hate him for all that he said! I Have learned to let go of the HATE but the damage is done! I am willing to let him go! This past March we took Family Pictures. Family Pictures missing our little Man Sage and Missing my Dad. I know that all will be well. The Atonement will Continue to heal our family and make us stronger than we have ever been! We are still standing and smiling! Endure to end!


Amanda Griggs said...

I'm so sorry that dad said such horrible things to you. He is lost and wondering around in the light of darkness. I know that Sage is neseled safely in your arms during those photos, if not standing valiantly in the back as a soldier of Christ. He is always here watching, protecting, and guiding you.

Sharron said...

My heart has ached so many times for all of you. Your mom told me when your dad said those things to you. It is still so shocking to read them though.

I am so glad that you can find the answers that have helped you keep going and give you strength.

It is so good to hear from you again.

Love you!

Gilda said...

Wow, it took a lot to write this post and share it.I am sorry your family has gone through such a hard time once again.No one really knows what anyone goes through everyday, and I want to say to you that you are a great woman. Not only do you love your children and family but you continue to stay strong in your love for God.

Cheryl said...

It saddens my heart to know that not only have you experienced the death of dear Sage, but the hurt of your father's words about Sage and those angry words during such a difficult time in your life.

I almost wonder if the grief was so difficult for him (your father) and when he saw you it reminded him of the deep loss that his family had gone through and it was hard for him to keep his emotions in control. Anger can cover up many things...(just my thoughts). Not that what he said was appropriate, at all!

My sister lost her husband when he was only in his early thirties (he died) and I know that for several years that I would definately get sad when I saw her because it reminded me of such loss.

side note: I know in my heart that your dad's aunts probably died a little bit with the death of their precious babies...if they weren't crying on the outside, then they were on the inside.

I am thankful that your family is doing ok despite your dad's absence. I have always known your family was a close one through all of the beautiful/funny/informative posts that you and your mom have posted and I'm glad that you are all doing good now. It is great to see a post!

I am so glad that you have all been able to take another family photo. I can't see all of them (the photos) for some reason (I can't see the last four), but the ones that I saw are beautiful! Your family is growing by leaps and bounds and all look wonderful!

I will keep your family in my prayers.

With love and Hope my friend,

J+C+4=FUN said...

Wow you look great!!!!! I love the color choice. Bright, cheery and happy. You will keep going like you always do. with pain, happiness, sorrow and joy. I am grateful for your dad that he let me have you as a cousin. thank you for just being you and teaching me though every passing day. I love you.
Keep writing it helps you and everyone that reads your words. :)

Rachel Doyle said...

What a brave thing to write. I know when I finally let it all out -- it's so therapeutic. Your family pictures are beautiful.

Your friend,

Sheryl - NJ said...

I am still in shock after reading what your father said to you and him leaving your mother. I am glad that you have decided to open up again with your feelings and that you have your amazing mother to lean on during the difficult times.

With that said, your family looks amazing and I am glad that you are doing better. Tell your mother that I send her good thoughts and prayers as she moves through this difficult period of her husband leaving her.

Hope to hear more from you.

Cori White said...

Thanks for being brave and sharing. I cant imagine someone saying those hurtful things. especially your own father. I am sorry.
Welcome back to blogging. Ive been waiting for your return :)
love you

Misty said...

My dear friend,

I applaud you at breaking the silence and sharing with us your feelings.

I come from a very abusive home. I also have a baby that lives in heaven, he died after living 70 minutes born full term, with a life ending birth defect. I too have had some horrible things said to me from family, about my son. They told me it was my fault that my children were hurting, because I chose to carry a baby to term that would die. They accused me of making my kids hold a "dead baby to bond" (not true). Some words will take a life time to forget. I am so sorry, more than I can convey, that this has happened to you.

Take care, I cheer for you, from Utah. You show us all how to endure well.

xoxo Misty

Anonymous said...

You are beautiful and strong!

Kelly said...

Hi! I miss you and I have never even met you! I think about you and Sage every day! I wonder if you feel what I feel with your new baby. Trey is 9months now so I especially think of sage every time I lay him down. We need to get together!
I am so grateful you posted this! Honesty is needed. And sadly, we often see to see the rediculousness of the written word to make sure we don't say any of it.
I'm sorry your dad is so out of touch with his true feelings and, in my opinion, afraid of the truth. Is it terrible that it makes me feel better though? Yes, it is. But it does. People all over this planet are struggling. And we can get through our lives without our children regardless of the support that comes from our family. Your post helps people. So way to make beauty from ashes.

Marie said...

I read your mom's blog and had been wondering lately what happened to your dad and why he wasn't in the family photos...I just popped into Sage's blog today to see if there was an update and now I know why. I'm so sorry to hear about that, y'all always looked like such a loving family I had no idea what he was really like. I'm glad your brothers are stepping in for RaLee and you are all sticking together.

As for his words about Sage, you can hardly take them seriously from a man who just up and left his family. You visit the graveyard as much as you want and blog about him all day if you have to.

dragonflyz in June said...

I am so sorry that you have endured such horrible words from your own father. I don't think that any parent ever gets over the loss of a child, it just gets a little easier to get on with life as time goes on. My grandmother lost her first child at 9 months of double pneumonia. She was 17 and didn't know much and I don't think she ever forgot or got over the loss. I found myself sobbing reading your most recent entries. The sob deepened at the photos of Sages' funeral. I cannot imagine the pain you deal with daily, and if I were in the room with you I would probably hug you and cry with you.
He lives on in you, in your kids, in your memories. I think it is sweet to think that he is talking and playing with his baby sister.
Congratulations on the arrival of Ellizabeth Mae. She is gorgeous, and does look a little like her big brother Sage. She will likely help you all heal a little bit more.
May the Lord Bless you and continue to comfort you.

Jen Baker said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jen Baker said...

I promise I'm not a creeper, I just wanted to thank you for sharing your experiences on here. It has been 6 months since my nephew Brigham passed away from SIDS and your blog popped up and I just couldn't stop reading. It has helped me so much! I can honestly say that my experience has been awful, but I've never learned so much. I've learned things that I couldn't have possibly learned any other way. I'm so grateful to have to Gospel of Jesus Christ! Anywho, I just wanted to let you know how grateful I am for you!

Danielle said...

Just wanted to stop in and say I hope everyone in your family is doing well this Holiday season!

Miss you on Blogger.

Take care.