Wednesday, August 11, 2010

William

The minute William was born I looked down at my brand new baby boy and I sorta laughed. He looked like a wise little old man. He was adorable and I loved him dearly but I will always remember thinking he was an old soul...

William is very lovely and kind in all he does. He always gives hugs and loves to me. He will rub your arm and just want to cuddle everyday. He gets upset if an animal is killed on the road and he hates watching the news because it makes him so sad to hear about all the terrible stuff that people do to each other.

These past 2 weeks during the night William keeps coming into my room in the middle of the night to "CHECK on ME". He keeps having terrible nightmares that something happens to me and the baby. He dreams that he has to call 911, Dad, and Grandma. He is terrified that I will be all alone and need help and he will not hear me. Last night I told him he could get in bed with me, he told me that he was going to sit in the rocking chair next to me so he could stay awake. I looked over and he was sound asleep after 30 minutes. I moved him to my bed. He also is terrified that he does not know CPR or that he will have to perform CPR on me. I had to sit and explain to him why he is worried and how Sages death has affected him. I keep reasuring him that Momma and baby will be fine. That everything will be okay. He worries on the nights that Spencer is at work and he is the MAN of the house! I taught him how to use my phone just in case, hoping this would calm his fears. He wants to learn CPR....

I feel terrible that my 9 year old is traumatized. I do not think any 8 year old should have to see his Dad perform CPR and see his entire house fill up with fire fighters and police. It scared him so bad. It breaks my heart that he is so worried that he comes in to check on me at night.

I told him that he could sleep in my room when it gets closer to baby coming so he could help me if I needed it. I told him Grandma might come while Daddy is at work. I think I told him anything and everything he wanted to hear just to help calm his fears.

I also talked to him about needing to have faith that all will be well. That we have to try really hard not to live in fear and try to focus on being happy and not scared. Heavenly Father will take care of us and nothing bad will happen. If something bad does happen then we will deal with it when it comes. We have said many prayers in the middle of night...hoping that he can feel the Spirit and be able to feel calm and at peace with things.

12 comments:

Sharron said...

How sad and how wonderful all at the same time. I am sure and pray that when this little miss joins your family, it will help the healing and process of moving forward.

I know that Sarah was such a comfort when she made it and then again when I lost more after her. I have often wondered if Heavenly Father allowed her to stay small for so long so that we would have someone to hold in our laps and snuggle as we would have a baby. It sure served our family well.

William has a sweet wonderful spirit that will serve himself and all those around him throughout his life. I hope you can teach him to ignore others when they don't want him to be that way. when boys are going through the stage into manhood, some pretty distorted ideas come out in those who don't stay true to who they really are inside. If anyone can help him hang on to that sweet nature, you two can!!

Carolyn said...

I can only imagine how hard it must be on Will. Becca is much the same, but to a lesser extent. But she still worries so much about one of us (especially Jonny) not waking up and she has been in tears many nights with her worries. I think it is fairly common for kids this age to worry about stuff, but when a tragedy happens it makes it so much harder to deal with. I know you are doing and saying the right things. As with most things, it takes time for them to learn to trust that things will be ok. Hang in there! You are doing great!

The Thornton's said...

I have always thought that William was different from any other 8 year old I ever met! He seems so mature and loving for his age! Bless his little heart! we love him so much and hope also that he can feel peace and have faith throughout hard times. Hope your pregnancy is going well! Love you guys!

The Thornton's said...

I have always thought that William was different from any other 8 year old I ever met! He seems so mature and loving for his age! Bless his little heart! we love him so much and hope also that he can feel peace and have faith throughout hard times. Hope your pregnancy is going well! Love you guys!

The Thornton's said...

I have always thought that William was different from any other 8 year old I ever met! He seems so mature and loving for his age! Bless his little heart! we love him so much and hope also that he can feel peace and have faith throughout hard times. Hope your pregnancy is going well! Love you guys!

Kris said...

That is an AMAZING young man you have on your hands. It breaks my heart to know why he worries & has to be so grown up, but what a strong spirit he is!

Thank you again for sharing. You lift my soul.

LaDawn and Jason said...

You have such an amazing young man on your hands. I suggest having someone teach him basic CPR. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact you could do it as a family home evening for everyone. Basic knowledge for him might be of comfort. Maybe he also needs to recieve a blessin himself for comfort. You are an amazing mom and he knows that and doesn't want anything to happen to you. I love ya Crystal and your family. Keep staying strong!

Cody and Danica said...

Crystal. I don't even know where to begin. I wish I had your email address so I didn't have to say this so publicly. I was 3 months pregnant at Sage's funeral. I had never met any of your kids or even your husband but I remember walking into the viewing and being absolutely devistated for your family. Tears flowed the entire time I was there and on my way home (to my job interview which I was just red eyed and puffy so they probably thought i was high). I remember holding my belly and hoping and praying that would never happen to me. I couldn't do what your doing. Well a few weeks after Cole was born I started experiencing horrible emotions that no mother ever wants to think or do. I was so afraid I was going to be the one mother on the news who hurt her baby because of severe post partum. I never got over seeing sweet Sage's body in his casket. I never got over seeing you and Spencer cry. I was totally paranoid about Cole. Every mother probably is with their first but i always felt I was more extreme. 3 months after Cole was born, I ended up in the hospital because I wanted to take my own life. I was in the pysche ward. I couldn't handle being a mom. It was too hard and stressful and I was just so scared and probably exhausted. It has taken me almost a whole year of crying and pleading and praying to have the strength to stay on this earth and raise my family. I never imagined motherhood to be so demanding and hard but it is. I am finally to the point that I feel stable and am laughing and having fun again. I look back and think that person who wanted to die wasn't me. It has taken so much to stay strong and not give in to the temptation of death.

I don't really have a point I guess other than I have been reading your blog about Sage all night. I have just been crying and am so thankful you write this all down. It has helped me and I know that through these trials we will somehow be made stronger. (I'm not quite sure how. It'll be nothing short of a miracle thats for damn sure :D) (haha it looks like my smiley has a double chin) I appreciate the Spirit I have felt reading your blog. I keep your experience very close to my heart as I raise Cole. I probably would've taken him for granted and not loved the little things he does, including the messes. But now reading your blog and seeing that each day with our children as a gift, I try to show Cole how loved he is and how truly grateful I am to have him. I think my experiences this past year with suicide always on my mind has somehow made me closer to Cole. There are days when his crying kept me from doing something stupid and it never came a moment too late. I am so thankful for Heavenly Father and for His knowing of my pain and suffering.

I'm sorry if I'm not making sense. I"m a wreck right now and can barely think straight from crying so hard.

Please continue to be strong and know that your love for the Savior is felt and that your story has changed how I ever imagined myself as a mother. Feel free to email me. I still have a hard time talking about my issues on my blog because I don't want people to think i would ever harm their child while in my care but I have no problem telling people face to face about my trials and how much i am improving.

I love you Crystal. I totally respect who you are and all you do. your one post about sheets not being washed for 8 months and fridge not being cleaned, and you not cooking...i can 100% relate. Obviously for different reasons but when your depressed and angry, you're depressed and angry and thats the last thing on your mind. I knew my house was getting bad when my dad came down to clean....haha we should start calling him Leone. This place was spotless!

hang in there girl. I always give Cole extra kisses knowing he is a gift to me and I have no say when he leaves.

LIke I said, call me or email me anytime. i'd love to get to know you better. I think we could help each other.

Cody and Danica said...

Crystal. I don't even know where to begin. I wish I had your email address so I didn't have to say this so publicly. I was 3 months pregnant at Sage's funeral. I had never met any of your kids or even your husband but I remember walking into the viewing and being absolutely devistated for your family. Tears flowed the entire time I was there and on my way home (to my job interview which I was just red eyed and puffy so they probably thought i was high). I remember holding my belly and hoping and praying that would never happen to me. I couldn't do what your doing. Well a few weeks after Cole was born I started experiencing horrible emotions that no mother ever wants to think or do. I was so afraid I was going to be the one mother on the news who hurt her baby because of severe post partum. I never got over seeing sweet Sage's body in his casket. I never got over seeing you and Spencer cry. I was totally paranoid about Cole. Every mother probably is with their first but i always felt I was more extreme. 3 months after Cole was born, I ended up in the hospital because I wanted to take my own life. I was in the pysche ward. I couldn't handle being a mom. It was too hard and stressful and I was just so scared and probably exhausted. It has taken me almost a whole year of crying and pleading and praying to have the strength to stay on this earth and raise my family. I never imagined motherhood to be so demanding and hard but it is. I am finally to the point that I feel stable and am laughing and having fun again. I look back and think that person who wanted to die wasn't me. It has taken so much to stay strong and not give in to the temptation of death.

I don't really have a point I guess other than I have been reading your blog about Sage all night. I have just been crying and am so thankful you write this all down. It has helped me and I know that through these trials we will somehow be made stronger. (I'm not quite sure how. It'll be nothing short of a miracle thats for damn sure :D) (haha it looks like my smiley has a double chin) I appreciate the Spirit I have felt reading your blog. I keep your experience very close to my heart as I raise Cole. I probably would've taken him for granted and not loved the little things he does, including the messes. But now reading your blog and seeing that each day with our children as a gift, I try to show Cole how loved he is and how truly grateful I am to have him. I think my experiences this past year with suicide always on my mind has somehow made me closer to Cole. There are days when his crying kept me from doing something stupid and it never came a moment too late. I am so thankful for Heavenly Father and for His knowing of my pain and suffering.

I'm sorry if I'm not making sense. I"m a wreck right now and can barely think straight from crying so hard.

Please continue to be strong and know that your love for the Savior is felt and that your story has changed how I ever imagined myself as a mother. Feel free to email me. I still have a hard time talking about my issues on my blog because I don't want people to think i would ever harm their child while in my care but I have no problem telling people face to face about my trials and how much i am improving.

I love you Crystal. I totally respect who you are and all you do. your one post about sheets not being washed for 8 months and fridge not being cleaned, and you not cooking...i can 100% relate. Obviously for different reasons but when your depressed and angry, you're depressed and angry and thats the last thing on your mind. I knew my house was getting bad when my dad came down to clean....haha we should start calling him Leone. This place was spotless!

hang in there girl. I always give Cole extra kisses knowing he is a gift to me and I have no say when he leaves.

LIke I said, call me or email me anytime. i'd love to get to know you better. I think we could help each other.

Kelly said...

This breaks my heart. It must feel so terrible to not only live with a broken, fearful heart but to have to see it in your babies and feel helpless. That is how I feel anyway, helpless at times. I can't just call up a friend and chat about how she deals with this parenting challenge - because who has your challenges? Even I, who identify with you, don't have memories of police and ambulance crew being in my home and losing my child so chaotically (at least in the kids eyes). I too wonder why my destiny has to be wrapped in so much pain. Maybe we should have signed up to be famous pop stars instead!
I would love to come meet you and your new baby in person sometime. :)

Brenda L. said...

Will you ever post again? Congratulations on the little baby.

peachytiffers said...

That must be so hard for both him and you. I hope his fears have subsided. What a sweet little boy to worry about you both so much!