Today my eyes have been moist with tears most of the day. I keep blinking and wiping my eyes to hold back the flood that wants to come. Grief is strange. I have realized it comes and goes as it pleases and most of the time it is sneaky and you have no idea it is coming to find you. I know that my hormones are all over the place due to being 4-3 weeks from having a baby. So I try to not be so hard on myself.
We are getting so excited for the arrival of our new baby girl. All of us are waiting patiently and watching the calendar with so much excitement. With the due date getting the closer the higher my fears seem to get. I no longer live in a bubble that babies live and that they always get to come home with Ma and Pa. I know more than ever things can go wrong instantly and nothing is set in stone. I hate hearing lighting can not strike twice. I hate to be a negative Nancy but yes...lighting and thunder and horrible things can happen twice to a family. SO as we wait for her arrival we HOPE for the best and secretly pray that we avoid the worse.
I joke that they might just have to knock me out to have the baby because I honestly think I am going to loose it as soon as she is out, safe, healthy, and all wrapped up and placed in my arms. I think I might need oxygen or something because I can only imagine the emotions I might have when she is born.
One thing that has been weighing on my mind is the moment the other children are introduced to their new sibling. I know that it is going to be another roller coaster of emotions. I will miss Sage so much more at that moment. A moment when as a Mother you feel your entire family should all be together. To be able to watch each of the kids reactions to the new baby. To take your first official family photo. To know that one is missing is so hard to grasp and come to terms with. I know he will be there in spirit and he will see everything....but we won't see everything....we will not see the entire picture until later. I know that this is Gods plan for me and my family. I sorta wish it did not have to hurt so much most of the time.
So once again I find myself praying that somehow we make it through the hard times and the happy and focus on the positive and the Eternal side of everything...sometimes that gets extremely difficult. Sometimes you want to take a cue from your little ones...lay down on the floor and kick, scream and cry until you hopefully get your way! I have learned all the tears in world are not going to change nothing...so you keep going whether you like it or not.
I pray that I can just enjoy the last few weeks of pregnancy and have a stronger Faith than I have ever had before...
Montana Trip Part I
4 years ago