Saturday, September 12, 2009

Blank

I was reading another blog and it sparked this memory. Stephenie Meyer writes the Twilight book series, about a girl and a vampire who are in love. In the second book, after Edward leaves because he wants Bella to have a normal life, there are a few chapters with headings and nothing else. Like, at the top of the page, "October" is written and underlined, but the entire page is blank, because that's how it feels when you lose someone that important to you- blank. After a while, she starts writing again: about how Bella pretends to be normal, going out with friends to see a movie she has no interest in because it would be 'normal.' Talking to people at lunch because that would be 'normal.' And I have to admit there are days- weeks actually- that I only remember because I have kept a journal. I still have blank days.

This is how I have felt, I change the calendar every month. I write 6 months closer to being with Sage again. August is gone and I do not remember much of it at all. I have the hardest time being around large groups of people that all are generally happy and positive. I do everything in my power to not sit and cry. This hurts so bad. Every one thinks I am handling this so "WELL"! I should be paid to be an actress. I can doll myself up and laugh with the best of them. I look forward to the day's when smiling and laughing are not forced and hard to do.

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

Like walking around in a fog. I remember bits and peaces.

The Lord helps me get the necessary things done. He gives me the strength I need each day to get out of bed. Place foot in front of the other and carry on. Sometimes you think that at any moment your heart will not be able to handle this heartbreak one more minute and that it will simply give up on you. It won't it keeps on beating so I keep on walking through my days and nights hurting so bad. 6 months of the Lord carrying me and helping me along my way. I am thankful the Lord can see the entire picture because to me I feel blank, I see rays of hope when someone reaches out and says hello. One day I am sure I will feel nothing but joy but, as for now I feel blank and missing so much of life. I will not remember Jayden's, Trey's, William's and Wayne's year or my 8th year of marriage. My niece is 5 months old and I do not remember much of her. I forget that Jessy is pregnant. I forget that Royal is happy and doing well. I forget that I have a brother named DJ. I only remember when he calls or stops by. I have locked my keys in the car. I have forgot to pay many bills including the house payment opps. I forget that Trey broke his leg and was in a wheel chair. I forgot that our Mini Van was totaled. I have forgotten what meals we ate prior to Sage moving on what do I cook  for dinner? I forget to do the laundry for weeks at a time. I am trying my hardest but, the canvas comes back blank. I am trying so hard. So sometimes it is hard to see that this is for our own good. One day I might just jump up and down and be so happy this is apart of my journey but as for today and this month I feel blank.

6 comments:

Sharron said...

I have never thought of the blankness before. I am glad that you do keep a journal so that some day you will be able to go back and read what was going on during these months. I was not that wise and so I have no memories of some of those times. Just the day when I was able to see where the Lord had been carrying me. It is a loss for our whole family.

When you don't feel like you are doing "alright" and others tell you how "well you are handling this experience", I hope you realize that is another "I don't know what to say" and there is also a fear that they would totally collapse in the same situation. We have all seen those who shut down in every way and it is a fearful thing to witness.

I hope you do have plenty of those times when you an give yourself permission to drop down and wallow in the "mud" of emotions and hurt that you feel you must push down when around others. I didn't for quite awhile and it didn't serve me or my family. When I finally told Nancy Knudsen to please tell the others that I had lost another of my children, I felt like I was dying inside and if any one else told me that, "three children is a good enough family" I just might lose it. Especially if it was someone who had tons of kids or had been complaining about having getting stuck with another kid to raise.

So hang in there my sweet young friend and sister, keep taking as it comes, love yourself and your wonderful hubby & kids and take those occasional "mud baths". I swear by them!

Yes, I do still take them from time to time . . . . . it really can help in all kinds of trails . . . just a guess, your mom uses that method once in a while too!

I hope this all makes sense and if it came out wrong in any way . . . remember that I can be stuttering goof some times and forgive me!

Marie said...

What a beautiful and honest post Crystal. I think it's important for you to share this so people know you may be smiling on the outside but you are broken inside.

This post reminds me of a song, have you heard it? It's called "I'm not Alright" by Santus Real. These are the lyrics:

I'm Not Alright

If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
Cause honestly, I’m not that strong

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
Leads me to you, leads me to you


You will be alright Crystal, it may take a long time but you will be alright.

The Reluctant Crunchy Mama said...

I won't claim to know the pain you are feeling, but I am a mother and so I know that what you are going through must be the worst nightmare come true. Lots and lots of hugs. I wish I could do something, anything, to make your pain go away.

Jessica Caldwell said...

I'm glad you shared this because you are not superwomen. But I think you are doing such an amazing job. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, I hate seeing you in so much pain.

Anonymous said...

Crystal,
I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I've spent the entire night sobbing once my two boys have gone to sleep. I'm alone and my heart, Well, My heart hurts so bad and I feel so swallowed by all of my heartache and "blankness." I'm trying to get into the whole blogging bit but I don't have much energy for that.

Anyways, the point of this was letting you know, you are NOT alone in your feelings, emotions, saddness, heartache. I think of you (and your family) almost everyday. You take care of yourself and give yourself a break, often, and maybe some chocolate too, couldn't hurt, right.

Much Love
C.S.

Stephen said...

I'm so glad that you will have your journal and pictures to look back on someday for memories. I think it's ok to forget some things, that's how you can keep going with the necessities. I'm glad that you have a place you can be so open and honest about this journey. You are loved by many, kept in our constant prayers, and always in our thoughts. It doesn't matter what anyone else says, or thinks about time, it's on your time. Blank is where you are right now, and you don't have to be anywhere else. We love you.