Thursday, March 25, 2010

Remembering

I can hardly believe it's been one year since Sage passed away.  You hear from other's how difficult that anniversary can be and then you find out just how hard it is.  Crystal and Spencer spent countless hours discussing how they should spend March 19th and they new that if they stayed home they would be sad and depressed.  So for the sake of their children they chose to take everyone on a trip to California/Disneyland.  The kids were happy that day and it was nice to see smiles on their faces.  William had a more difficult time and he told Crystal how he would think, "Sage would have liked this ride" and he finally concluded that Sage would have liked the Winnie the Pooh ride the best.

For me I didn't expect this huge wave of depression that seemed to envelope me like some toxic cloud.  I would find myself thinking, "Well today was the last day I spent with him last year and we were doing such and such."  Then I would look at the clock and think, "Crystal was putting him to bed for the last time".  We burried him one year ago today and all day long I would tick away the time and remember what we were doing last year.  "I was waiting for his body to arrive at the church or I was watching my daughter tenderly wrap him in a blanket and close the lid to the casket or I would be speaking at his funeral and then finally we would be at his graveside.  It's hard...much harder than I thought.

There is a quote on my blog that reads, "There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child.  Things never get back to the way they were"  ~Dwight D. Eisenhower  This quote is so very true.  Things will never be the same again.  We are forever changed by the life of one little boy and the pain of his absence is felt daily.  We are trying not to be sad but instead to move on with Faith and Happiness.

I have a rock I bought just days after Sage died.  I found it in the garden department at JoAnn's.  It's a rock with the name "Sage" engraved on it.  I nearly always have it with me. It reminds me that Sage is with me always that he is never really far away.  So I started having fun with my little Sage Rock and started photographing it.  We took "Sage" with us on vacation.
Here he is at the beach in Oceanside, California

Disneyland
by the Merri-Go-Round
By the Dumbo Ride

Now to take you back in time...
Here is William with his buddy "Woody"
Will and Wayne with their "Woody"
Woody and Trey
Jayden and Woody's side kick "Jessy"
Jayden Sharing her "Jessy Doll" with Baby Sage
We love Toy Story!  It holds a special place in our family's heart.
We were so excited to see  Woody and Jessy and they were very touched to get to hold "Sage's Rock" on his Angel Day.

The morning of the 19th we had a family prayer and released balloons in Sage's Memory








The next three pictures shows the Love of a brother...William really misses Sage


This past year has not been easy...in fact it has been Hell.  I mean if you think about it Heaven is getting to be with your loved ones so part of Hell must be having to live without them right? 
Crystal is amazing and very strong but she is still hurting and many people just see the "Mask" that she puts on every day so people around her won't be uncomfortable.  She is hurting and even angry and finds it hard to wake up everyday and face another day without her son. 
I questioned the wisdom of our decision to "Vacation" on Sage's Angel Day Anniversary.  Was it hard...YES..Crystal had a complete melt down right there on Main Street at Disneyland waiting for the parade to start.  People walking by wondering why this woman is sitting on the sidewalk in tears.  Or how upset she was at Disneyland Adventure Park.  My heart breaks for her and Spencer everyday. 
But for whatever reason this is a trial their family...our family...has to endure.  We have seen  many changes for the good because of Sage and we try to hang on to those positive changes.
It would be easy to just give into the anger and then I remember our Heavenly Father and the sacrifice he made when he watched his Son, Jesus Christ, suffer and die on the cross for our sins.  I'm sure he had to keep focusing on the good that would come from his sons death too.
What a glorious day it will be when all mothers are reunited with their children...when this Hell will be over and only Peace, Love and Happiness will exhist.
I miss and Love you Sage...Love Grandma

9 comments:

Cheryl said...

There are no words to express how deep my sympathy is for your entire family. I have personally experienced a very similar situation and to be brutally honest, like you were, it is Hell. If it wasn't for God's love I don't know how any of us make it through something like this.

Please know that others are praying for your family. God help us all.

My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Love and Hope and ((hugs))
Cheryl

Sharron said...

This is such a lovely post. You gave me something to think about in your comparison of Heaven & Hell. Something to think about very seriously & then do something about>

Thank you for continuing to teach this old dog lessons that she needs to learn

BeckyinQC said...

I think that the decision to vacation at Disneyland was inspired. You all did exactly what Sage would have you do. . .LIVE. I know it can be so hard to do that on some days, but your family has done it well this past year. I loved seeing the pictures of the fun that you had and especially seeing Sage's rock with you. What an awesome "tangible" reminder that he IS with you everyday. I love it. My prayers continue to be with all of you. Much love!

Amanda and John said...

It is amazing that it has already been a year since we laid Sage to rest. I think it was the best decision to go on vacation during that difficult week. The kids and all of us were able to remember him, and have something to do to help keep our minds occupied.

Kris said...

I read your blogs daily, but today I just have to comment. I found Liz's blog on the day that Sage died. I was in tears for your family for over a week, & frequently since then. My husband thinks it's strange that I am so affected by people I don't even know. But your strength, heartache & family love really restore my faith in God.

You are all amazing people that touch others' lives without even knowing it. I have become a better mother because of Crystal's experiences. She is a remarkable woman & her life blesses mine without even meeting her. I wish you all peace & comfort in this difficult time & will continue to pray for you & follow the stories of your lives on your blogs.

Thank you for sharing.

Audrey said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on such a day. I can't imagine the loss of a child. It really is heartbreaking. Your words are always so wonderfully stated. Though it's such an incredible trial I appreciate your willingness to share.

Grandma a/k/a Kathy said...

I loved this post and have read it several times now. You are an awesome grandma! ((HUgs))

dragonflyz in June said...

What a beautiful post! You brought tears to my eyes. I have been thinking of little Sage the past few weeks, I knew we were coming up on one year, has it really been a year already? I can't imagine the depth of pain and sorrow. He is such a sweet, happy, beautiful litte boy. HUGS to you all, I wish there was a way...
Peace and Blessings

Andrea said...

What a wonderful post. I LOVE the sage rock. So sweet. We are a lot a like. We are planning on going to Disneyland for Wyatt's birthday this year. We did the give a day and get a day at Disneyland. We did a day of service and earned tickets to disneyland. I know how hard those anniversaries are. You made a great day out of something especially hard. For me my other kids motivate me to make it memorable or else I think I would stay in bed and cry. Thinking of you and your sweet Sage. I want a rock with Wyatt's name on it now...for his garden. :)I love all the pictures you took especially the ones with Toy Story.
Love,
Andrea
PS I'm glad you were able to share Wyatt with your brother...that does my heart good.