Friday, February 19, 2010

Mommy your Beautiful

My baby Brother Royal is getting married in 2 weeks. I decided that I needed to take some time and take care of myself. I went to the eye Dr. got fitted for new contacts and glasses. I got my hair highlighted and cut. My eyes brows and upper lip waxed. I also bought some new makeup and a new shirt to wear to the Bridal shower. Aunt RaLee painted my toenails.  It felt nice taking care of myself. Spencer watched all of the kids so I could go and have some fun.
When I walked into the house all dolled up, William wrapped his arms around me and started crying. I said honey what is the matter? He said Mom you look so beautiful! You look like the Mommy I used to have before Sage died! I of course started crying. I know that I have not taken care of myself these past 11 months. I have not cared about what I looked like. Spencer and I have been in survival mode. I know that I will never be that same Mommy ever again. But it meant the world to me to have my Son tell me I looked beautiful to him. I felt a ray of hope that maybe some part of the old Crystal is somewhere in there. I  have looked so worn out and tired. I looked on the outside how I was feeling on the inside. I still have a long ways to go before I feel better on the inside, that will take much longer than a good makeover. That part is on the Lord's time.


Marie said...

Oh Will's comment just broke my heart. What a sensitive and smart young man he is. I hope you will find the old Crystal too. Sage wouldn't want her to have died with him. Take care of yourself Crystal, you deserve it.

Cheryl said...

What a touching compliment that your son William said to you! How wonderful for you!

I know from your posts that you are also beautiful on the inside with the love that you have expressed about Sage and your family.

Like you, it will take time to regain some of what we have lost. I am struggling to regain my outward appearance as well and feel as though I have aged so.

My inner self is slowly becomming somewhat of the positive person I used to be, but will be forever changed.

It is so nice when one of our children compliment us. I feel as though it is God's way of encouraging us. May you have a wonderful time at the bridal shower.

With love and hope,
We are Nine

The Reluctant Crunchy Mama said...

Your son sounds like such a sweetheart! I have said it before and I will say it again: you are an amazing woman. Lots of hugs for you and your family.

Sharron said...

I'm glad that you had a day out to pamper yourself and relax a bit. Though you must know, I spent some days with a lovely, gracious, beautiful young woman last year, even when she was in the depths of despair. That inner beauty can not be hidden.

Good for William for telling you when he sees the change on the outside. Hope he always does!

Amanda and John said...

You really did look beautiful yesterday. I'm so happy that you have such an observant son.

Kelly said...

It just makes me cry to read that. I imagine how humble you are, how life is so much more about the inner instead of the outer now...
I am glad you took a day for the outer. :) I think the "old crystal" is gone now, and the new you will have remnants of the old, but will forever be changed. And I think it's good - you are improved having been, and being your son's momma. You can't go back to what you were before you had to let him go.
My 6 year old's eyes popped out last week - she exclaimed when she saw me, "Mommy! Lipstick!" I realized then that it's been so long since I have worn lipstick that she was shocked. She was happy to see me like that, like how I used to look all the time. I didn't realize, like you, that I had changed so much - or that my kids notice.

Geertje said...

Dear Crystal,

I do not know whether I ever wrote a note. I guess I did but I am not sure. I have been following your blog for almost a year now. If I am right it was a hint in Brent Riggs blog the day Sage passed away…

It was so heart breaking. And still touching. I am Mormon, here in Germany. So I share the truths you hold on to. Our family is sealed in the temple too. But I guess you needed to go a much bigger step than I did!

I wanted to let you know that I do think of you in these days. And while there are no new posts in your family blog I had a look on Sage’s memorial page. It made me cry. There is so much love. For Sage, for your brothers, your kids, Jesus. I was often touched by the music that you had chosen. Today I have listened to “I will” several times. I wonder whether I could use it for either my RS lesson next Sunday or the RS birthday.

There was one paragraph that went straight into my heart:

So I guess I got my wish….”NO NO NO you don’t, your getting to big”! I wonder how long I will have to wait till I get to see him grow and be a big boy? He is going to be my baby for a very long time.

We do not know. We pray every morning and every night with and for our kids. We say things. And we do not know about Heavenly Father’s plans for them and us. Sometimes I feel a kind of fear because of all the things that could happen. But I know this is not the way He wants us to have. The only thing we can do is to express our love as often as possible. Still we are not perfect. So hopefully our kids and husbands do know we love them.

Crystal, once more I would like to let you know that my prayers and thoughts are with you. I think some other tough days lay ahead. I hope you feel comforted by your family and by or Savior. I also would like to say thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts. This was special to me.

With love,

Mariah said...

You are a beautiful. Your family will remain in our prayers as you journey through this month. We love you. Just know you have so many people praying you'll have the strength and comfort you need.Take care.

Sharron said...

I just wanted to know that you have all been so much on my mind the last couple of weeks and in my prayers. hope the trip help make better memories and helped you get through this time. I lover you all.