Spencer, Jayden, and I went to my 29 week ultra sound/appointment. Jayden sat on the table next to me and kept giving me hugs and loves during the entire ultra sound. She was in awe of her new baby sister in my belly and kept saying how cute she was. She laughed every time the baby moved. During the ultra sound Jayden looked at me and said MOM....that is not Sage in your tummy....When is Sage being Born again....then she kept repeating over and over again....SAGE IS DEAD MOM? The ultra sound tech lifted the Doppler off my tummy and just began bawling her eyes out. I turned on my side and talked to Jayden about Sage and where he is. I explained that this baby is not Sage and that he will come back later when Jesus comes. It took about 10 minutes to explain things Jayden. I rolled back on my back and the ultra sound tech had tears still rolling down her face. She turned the machine to 3D ultrasound and showed us the baby from every angle possible. She was so nervous and upset that she was literally digging the doppler into my tummy. It hurt so bad. Finally she said is there anything else you want to see? No my belly was hurting! When I got up and was heading out the door she patted me on the back and told me I was an amazing Mother. It made me tear up.
Grief is difficult...you never know when the waves will come crashing down around you. Spencer and me where doing fine and enjoying the moment. When grief struck Jayden. It is moments like these that are difficult for me. It is hard to explain to a 3 year that her baby brother died. It makes no sense to her. I pray that this new baby will help all of my children heal. I am thankful she is a girl so the little ones will see her differently than they saw Sage. Bows and Dresses!
Baby girl is healthy and strong. She is weighing almost 4 pounds give or take a few ounces. Judging from the pictures she looks on the chunky side to me. She is very active and we all look forward to her arrival. A baby that I can love and cuddle on daily and I do not have to give back to the Mother it belongs to. She will belong to me!
The Atonement of Jesus Christ is one full circle. It not only covers our sins and transgressions but, Jesus also suffered for our sicknesses, grief, trials, afflictions, and mental and emotional illnesses. I cling to the Atonement on a daily basis. This past week has been hard on me. I feel like everything in my life is crashing down around me. I have found myself crying alot and just praying as hard as I can. I keep telling myself to have just a little bit more Faith than I did the day before! The only thing staying together is my little family! The only thing that really matters at the end of each day! I am thankful that Spencer and I are standing shoulder to shoulder dealing with everything together!
I found this little nursery rhyme from a church talk and it has stuck with me this past week. I keep repeating it over and over in my head!
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses and all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.....
BUT!!!! the KING could! the KING can, and the KING will!
Like I said I need to have a little more Faith that somehow, someway through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I will be healed maybe not fully in this lifetime but one day!
Slowly but surely things are getting done...somehow. People always say if this happened to me...I would not be able to function. Guess what folks I was not functioning. So many things did not get done that needed to be done.
I love having family dinner. It has been a long time since I have actually had the desire to cook for my family. For a long time after Sage moved on we literally ate fast food for every dinner. Some nights I would load the kids up and call my Mom and tell her we were on our way and we where hungry. None of us felt like cooking. If we had a home cooked meal it was a rare occasion. Sister Jones in my ward wanted to bring a meal into us she kept saying I know it has been 5 months since Sage passed away but, I wanted to do this. I cried it had been a long time since we had a home cooked dinner. We got to a point that we just got sick and tired of fast food. It was making us ill and even the kids had enough of the nasty food. Spencer started cooking first, when he was home from work. The other nights, I cooked little things and ordered pizza. It has been about a month or two and I can honestly say we are cooking almost everyday. I have been cooking dinner and it feels good.
I would go in and pick up the kids rooms and vacuum. One day after I was done cleaning, I walked back into the rooms and they stunk. I could not figure out why the room smelled funny. It dawned on me. I had not washed a sheet...pillow case...or comforter in almost 8 months. Their blankets sorta peeled off their beds. I cried so hard. I felt like such a failure. I was disgusted and mad.
My room..yah that was a joke and still is. Sage technically died in his crib...I never saw him in his crib. I heard Spencer screaming bloody murder...that Sage was dead. Before I could even crawl out of the covers, Spencer had carried him into my room. So to me he died in my room at the foot of my bed. It was my room that I saw Spencer work so hard to save Sage. It was my room that his Spirit finally stopped trying to stay and he left. It was in my room that detectives surrounded his little body. To say the least my room hardly ever gets cleaned. I have tried and I make every one help me. I clean the bathroom. The room hardly gets touched. I tried to go in there and paint it and rearrange and make it look different...the fact remains...my brain will not let go of any of those memories. I am scared to walk in the room if it is dark. I just have a difficult time in there. So it goes months at a time not being touched.
The microwave and stove had not been touched in almost 11 months. My Mom came over one day and cleaned them. I was so grateful for the help.
My carpets started to look really nasty. They are only 2 years old at the time and they looked horrid. My sister Amanda has come over twice to shampoo and clean them for me.
My sister RaLee has done a million clean up jobs around the house and baby sitting jobs. I will forever be grateful for her and her service to my family.
Laundry that has been a joke and is still a joke. I try and we have never gone completely naked yet but, sometimes it looks a little ify! For the first 5 months I never washed a load of soaks I just bought new packages for Spencer and the boys every 2 weeks. One day I discovered almost 5-6 big baskets of dirty soaks in my closet. We missed almost 3 weeks of church because I could not find the kids church clothes. It was too over whelming. My Mom came over many times and just did the laundry.
My refrigerator....hahaha....in 1 year it had not been touched. It took us almost 6 hours one afternoon to clean and scrub that thing out. All of us including the kids just kept opening the doors to look inside to see and smell it!
The garage! The beast...it is finally clean after four weeks of cleaning it 3 times a week!
The inside of my mini van yah it is still a joke. I get so embarrassed.
I spent many days all day moving my identical couches all over the living room. I needed to forget what couch I was sitting on when I held Sage for the last time. It sounds insane but I did not want to remember the couch.
Budgeting and taking care of the bills. I stopped. Spencer has been in charge. We used to sit down together and go over every bill. Not any more. He does it all and he is not that good at it. We have struggled to say the least. I am trying to help him more and more each month. He has even done most of the grocery shopping and sometimes taking all of the kids with him. Sometimes I went with him and just sat in the front of the store while he did the shopping. I am trying to be better.
My house has not been a total dump. It was surface clean but, not deep cleaned in many areas. I laugh to myself when people say you are so strong...I feel weak and broken most days of the week.
Things are slowly getting better. I am no longer the neat freak I used to be. I have let tons of things go. I have learned how to balance my home and my work around the house. I still struggle with getting things done, they get done eventually. All Heavenly Father asks of us is that we try our best. I can honestly look back over the last 15 months and say I have tried my best.
I have been there for my children every second of the day during their walk through grief and sadness. I have spent countless hours reading scriptures to them and talking about Heaven and the plan. I have ponder over the past 15 months and see that lots of things have gone terribly wrong! I can see that I have done alot of things perfectly right in the sight of God. I know that when I get to Heaven he is not going to judge me for not being able to keep my house spotless. He is going to judge me on so many other things that I did do right all of these many months.
Not to mention I am building a baby girl! She has made me so ill everyday. This pregnancy in itself has been a challenge. Yet I know Heavenly Father is pleased with me and my efforts to try my hardest. Somehow I am learning to function again and run a household. I think I have been a good Mother to my kids in many areas, I am just no longer the Super Mom I used to strive to be.
Late last night I was blog hopping due to shear boredom and I came across this woman's blog and she was talking about her crib being recalled. I instantly ran to the garage and pulled Sage's crib out of storage. Within minutes I discovered that Sage's crib was one of the cribs being recalled. The cribs are being recalled because they are contributing factors in infant death. The babies are getting stuck in the corner of the crib and suffocating or the crib collapses resulting in death or injury. Spencer found Sage in the corner of the crib...
We have contacted the company and filled out all of the paper work to report his death and register our crib. I actually found the receipt on the crib and more information on the crib. They will come in contact with us within 30 days of us filing out the papers. I don't know what will come from all of this. I guess I just feel better knowing it was not all my fault. It is easier to blame a faulty crib...or something. SIDS is so hard because you have no answer. Sometimes hearing it was just his time...drives you up a wall.
I am pretty sure they will refund us the amount of the crib and it will give us a little bit of closure as to what might have happened to him.
I tell myself that God gave my children many gifts - spirit, beauty, intelligence, the capacity to make friends and to inspire respect. There is only one gift he held back - length of life. ` Rose Kennedy
Sage's Life Sketch
Click to read Sage's life story
Sage Lawrence Eldredge Memorial Blog
Sage was born to earth on July 17, 2008 and was born into Heaven on March 19, 2009. He died of SUID- Sudden Unexplained Infant Death. We were so blessed to be in the presense of an Angel for 8 months and 2 days. Although his mission on earth was short he has forever Knit our lives together in love. It is our hope that this memorial blog will enable the sweet spirit of one of God's Chosen Son's to continue to teach and touch the lives of all who visit it.
A Tribute To Sage
Click on photo to view slide show
What We Believe
A Single Life
By Greg Olson
"Making the decision to have a child-it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." -Elizabeth Stone
The Prophet Joseph Smith States
"The Lord takes many away even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were to pure, to lovely, to live on earth; therefore if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again."
He further explained:
"All children are redeemed by the Blood of Jesus Christ, and the moment that children leave this world, they are taken to the bosom of Abraham."
"Time Heals All Wounds"
It has been said, "Time Heals all wounds." I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone. `Rose Kennedy
Blessed by his father, Spencer Eldgredge, on October 12, 2008
Sage Lawrence Eldredge
July 17, 2008 - March 19, 2009
Sage's Name In The Sand
Written in the sand by Great Aunt Tamra & Great Uncle Jim in Rocky Point, Mexico
Something To Think About
A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is! - Neugeboren 1976, 154