William

The minute William was born I looked down at my brand new baby boy and I sorta laughed. He looked like a wise little old man. He was adorable and I loved him dearly but I will always remember thinking he was an old soul...

William is very lovely and kind in all he does. He always gives hugs and loves to me. He will rub your arm and just want to cuddle everyday. He gets upset if an animal is killed on the road and he hates watching the news because it makes him so sad to hear about all the terrible stuff that people do to each other.

These past 2 weeks during the night William keeps coming into my room in the middle of the night to "CHECK on ME". He keeps having terrible nightmares that something happens to me and the baby. He dreams that he has to call 911, Dad, and Grandma. He is terrified that I will be all alone and need help and he will not hear me. Last night I told him he could get in bed with me, he told me that he was going to sit in the rocking chair next to me so he could stay awake. I looked over and he was sound asleep after 30 minutes. I moved him to my bed. He also is terrified that he does not know CPR or that he will have to perform CPR on me. I had to sit and explain to him why he is worried and how Sages death has affected him. I keep reasuring him that Momma and baby will be fine. That everything will be okay. He worries on the nights that Spencer is at work and he is the MAN of the house! I taught him how to use my phone just in case, hoping this would calm his fears. He wants to learn CPR....

I feel terrible that my 9 year old is traumatized. I do not think any 8 year old should have to see his Dad perform CPR and see his entire house fill up with fire fighters and police. It scared him so bad. It breaks my heart that he is so worried that he comes in to check on me at night.

I told him that he could sleep in my room when it gets closer to baby coming so he could help me if I needed it. I told him Grandma might come while Daddy is at work. I think I told him anything and everything he wanted to hear just to help calm his fears.

I also talked to him about needing to have faith that all will be well. That we have to try really hard not to live in fear and try to focus on being happy and not scared. Heavenly Father will take care of us and nothing bad will happen. If something bad does happen then we will deal with it when it comes. We have said many prayers in the middle of night...hoping that he can feel the Spirit and be able to feel calm and at peace with things.

Getting Closer....

Today my eyes have been moist with tears most of the day. I keep blinking and wiping my eyes to hold back the flood that wants to come. Grief is strange. I have realized it comes and goes as it pleases and most of the time it is sneaky and you have no idea it is coming to find you. I know that my hormones are all over the place due to being 4-3 weeks from having a baby. So I try to not be so hard on myself.

We are getting so excited for the arrival of our new baby girl. All of us are waiting patiently and watching the calendar with so much excitement. With the due date getting the closer the higher my fears seem to get. I no longer live in a bubble that babies live and that they always get to come home with Ma and Pa. I know more than ever things can go wrong instantly and nothing is set in stone. I hate hearing lighting can not strike twice. I hate to be a negative Nancy but yes...lighting and thunder and horrible things can happen twice to a family. SO as we wait for her arrival we HOPE for the best and secretly pray that we avoid the worse.

I joke that they might just have to knock me out to have the baby because I honestly think I am going to loose it as soon as she is out, safe, healthy, and all wrapped up and placed in my arms. I think I might need oxygen or something because I can only imagine the emotions I might have when she is born.

One thing that has been weighing on my mind is the moment the other children are introduced to their new sibling. I know that it is going to be another roller coaster of emotions. I will miss Sage so much more at that moment. A moment when as a Mother you feel your entire family should all be together. To be able to watch each of the kids reactions to the new baby. To take your first official family photo. To know that one is missing is so hard to grasp and come to terms with. I know he will be there in spirit and he will see everything....but we won't see everything....we will not see the entire picture until later. I know that this is Gods plan for me and my family. I sorta wish it did not have to hurt so much most of the time.

So once again I find myself praying that somehow we make it through the hard times and the happy and focus on the positive and the Eternal side of everything...sometimes that gets extremely difficult. Sometimes you want to take a cue from your little ones...lay down on the floor and kick, scream and cry until you hopefully get your way! I have learned all the tears in world are not going to change nothing...so you keep going whether you like it or not.

I pray that I can just enjoy the last few weeks of pregnancy and have a stronger Faith than I have ever had before...

Treys Memory

Tonight at dinner Trey said Mom I want to talk about Sage tonight, I said  Honey you can talk about Sage anytime you want. Mommy loves to talk about Sage. Then all of the kids started talking about Sage and the memories they each hold dear to their hearts. Wayne remembers how happy he was all of the time. William remembers how he loved his hair. Jayden does not remember much...except that we will be together again someday.
Treys Memory was one that I had forgotten...I was so happy Trey remembered it and wanted to share it with me! Sage army crawled over to the fridge and kept patting the door. Trey opened the door and grabbed the big jar of apple sauce. Trey dumped it all over the floor in front of Sage. I walked in the kitchen a few minutes later and found Sage covered in apple sauce and happy as can be!  I forgot Trey and Sage had gotten into such a mess. As soon as Trey started talking I remembered.
I used to get all upset when my kids made huge messes. Now I look around and think well at least they are here to make messes. A mess is proof that my children are alive and that to me means more than any clean freshly mopped kitchen floor!

Jayden and baby sister.

Spencer, Jayden, and I went to my 29 week ultra sound/appointment. Jayden sat on the table next to me and kept giving me hugs and loves during the entire ultra sound. She was in awe of her new baby sister in my belly and kept saying how cute she was. She laughed every time the baby moved. During the ultra sound Jayden looked at me and said MOM....that is not Sage in your tummy....When is Sage being Born again....then she kept repeating over and over again....SAGE IS DEAD MOM? The ultra sound tech lifted the Doppler off my tummy and just began bawling  her eyes out. I turned on my side and talked to Jayden about Sage and where he is. I explained that this baby is not Sage and that he will come back later when Jesus comes. It took about 10 minutes to explain things Jayden. I rolled back on my back and the ultra sound tech had tears still rolling down her face. She turned the machine to 3D ultrasound and showed us the baby from every angle possible. She was so nervous and upset that she was literally digging the doppler into my tummy. It hurt so bad. Finally she said is there anything else you want to see? No my belly was hurting! When I got up and was heading out the door she patted me on the back and told me I was an amazing Mother. It made me tear up.
Grief is difficult...you never know when the waves will come crashing down around you. Spencer and me where doing fine and enjoying the moment. When grief struck Jayden. It is moments like these that are difficult for me. It is hard to explain to a 3 year that her baby brother died. It makes no sense to her. I pray that this new baby will help all of my children heal. I am thankful she is a girl so the little ones will see her differently than they saw Sage. Bows and Dresses!

Baby girl is healthy and strong. She is weighing almost 4 pounds give or take a few ounces. Judging from the pictures she looks on the chunky side to me. She is very active and we all look forward to her arrival. A baby that I can love and cuddle on daily and I do not have to give back to the Mother it belongs to. She will belong to me!

Humpty Dumpty

The Atonement of Jesus Christ is one full circle. It not only covers our sins and transgressions but, Jesus also suffered for our sicknesses, grief, trials, afflictions, and mental and emotional illnesses. I cling to the Atonement on a daily basis. This past week has been hard on me. I feel like everything in my life is crashing down around me. I have found myself crying alot and just praying as hard as I can. I keep telling myself to have just a little bit more Faith than I did the day before! The only thing staying together is my little family! The only thing that really matters at the end of each day! I am thankful that Spencer and I are standing shoulder to shoulder dealing with everything together!

I found this little nursery rhyme from a church talk and it has stuck with me this past week. I keep repeating it over and over in my head!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty  had a great fall

All the King's horses and all the King's men

Couldn't put Humpty together again.....

BUT!!!! the KING could! the KING can, and the KING will! 

Like I said I need to have a little more Faith that somehow, someway through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I will be healed maybe not fully in this lifetime but one day!

Functioning.....

Slowly but surely things are getting done...somehow. People always say if this happened to me...I would not be able to function. Guess what folks I was not functioning. So many things did not get done that needed to be done.

I love having family dinner. It has been a long time since I have actually had the desire to cook for my family. For a long time after Sage moved on we literally ate fast food for every dinner. Some nights I would load the kids up and call my Mom and tell her we were on our way and we where hungry. None of us felt like cooking. If we had a home cooked meal it was a rare occasion. Sister Jones in my ward wanted to bring a meal into us she kept saying I know it has been 5 months since Sage passed away but, I wanted to do this. I cried it had been a long time since we had a home cooked dinner. We got to a point that we just got sick and tired of fast food. It was making us ill and even the kids had enough of the nasty food. Spencer started cooking first, when he was home from work. The other nights, I cooked little things and ordered pizza. It has been about a month or two and I can honestly say we are cooking almost everyday. I have been cooking dinner and it feels good.

I would go in and pick up the kids rooms and vacuum. One day after I was done cleaning, I walked back into the rooms and they stunk. I could not figure out why the room smelled funny. It dawned on me. I had not washed a sheet...pillow case...or comforter in almost 8 months. Their blankets sorta peeled off their beds. I cried so hard. I felt like such a failure. I was disgusted and mad.

My room..yah that was a joke and still is. Sage technically died in his crib...I never saw him in his crib. I heard Spencer screaming bloody murder...that Sage was dead. Before I could even crawl out of the covers, Spencer had carried him into my room. So to me he died in my room at the foot of my bed. It was my room that I saw Spencer work so hard to save Sage. It was my room that his Spirit finally stopped trying to stay and he left. It was in my room that detectives surrounded his little body. To say the least my room hardly ever gets cleaned. I have tried and I make every one help me. I clean the bathroom. The room hardly gets touched. I tried to go in there and paint it and rearrange and make it look different...the fact remains...my brain will not let go of any of those memories. I am scared to walk in the room if it is dark. I just have a difficult time in there. So it goes months at a time not being touched.

The microwave and stove had not been touched in almost 11 months. My Mom came over one day and cleaned them. I was so grateful for the help.

My carpets started to look really nasty. They are only 2 years old at the time and they looked horrid. My sister Amanda has come over twice to shampoo and clean them for me.

My sister RaLee has done a million clean up jobs around the house and baby sitting jobs. I will forever be grateful for her and her service to my family.

Laundry that has been a joke and is still a joke. I try and we have never gone completely naked yet but, sometimes it looks a little ify! For the first 5 months I never washed a load of soaks I just bought new packages for Spencer and the boys every 2 weeks. One day I discovered almost 5-6 big baskets of dirty soaks in my closet. We missed almost 3 weeks of church because I could not find the kids church clothes. It was too over whelming. My Mom came over many times and just did the laundry.

My refrigerator....hahaha....in 1 year it had not been touched. It took us almost 6 hours one afternoon to clean and scrub that thing out. All of us including the kids just kept opening the doors to look inside to see and smell it!

The garage! The beast...it is finally clean after four weeks of cleaning it 3 times a week!

The inside of my mini van yah it is still a joke. I get so embarrassed.

I spent many days all day moving my identical couches all over the living room. I needed to forget what couch I was sitting on when I held Sage for the last time. It sounds insane but I did not want to remember the couch. 

Budgeting and taking care of the bills. I stopped. Spencer has been in charge. We used to sit down together and go over every bill. Not any more. He does it all and he is not that good at it. We have struggled to say the least. I am trying to help him more and more each month. He has even done most of the grocery shopping and sometimes taking all of the kids with him. Sometimes I went with him and just sat in the front of the store while he did the shopping. I am trying to be better.

My house has not been a total dump. It was surface clean but, not deep cleaned in many areas. I laugh to myself when people say you are so strong...I feel weak and broken most days of the week.

Things are slowly getting better. I am no longer the neat freak I used to be. I have let tons of things go. I have learned how to balance my home and my work around the house. I still struggle with getting things done, they get done eventually. All  Heavenly Father asks of us is that we try our best. I can honestly look back over the last 15 months and say I have tried my best.

I have been there for my children every second of the day during their walk through grief and sadness. I have spent countless hours reading scriptures to them and talking about Heaven and the plan. I have ponder over the past 15 months and see that lots of things have gone terribly wrong! I can see that I have done alot of things perfectly right in the sight of God. I know that when I get to Heaven he is not going to judge me for not being able to keep my house spotless. He is going to judge me on so many other things that I did do right all of these many months.

Not to mention I am building a baby girl! She has made me so ill everyday. This pregnancy in itself has been a challenge. Yet I know Heavenly Father is pleased with me and my efforts to try my hardest. Somehow I am learning to function again and run a household. I think I have been a good Mother to my kids in many areas, I am just no longer the Super Mom I used to strive to be.

Crib Recall

Late last night I was blog hopping due to shear boredom and I came across this woman's blog and she was talking about her crib being recalled. I instantly ran to the garage and pulled Sage's crib out of storage. Within minutes I discovered that Sage's crib was one of the cribs being recalled. The cribs are being recalled because they are contributing factors in infant death. The babies are getting stuck in the corner of the crib and suffocating or the crib collapses resulting in death or injury. Spencer found Sage in the corner of the crib...

We have contacted the company and filled out all of the paper work to report his death and register our crib. I actually found the receipt on the crib and more information on the crib. They will come in contact with us within 30 days of us filing out the papers. I don't know what will come from all of this. I guess I just feel better knowing it was not all my fault. It is easier to blame a faulty crib...or something. SIDS is so hard because you have no answer. Sometimes hearing it was just his time...drives you up a wall.

I am pretty sure they will refund us the amount of the crib and it will give us a little bit of closure as to what might have happened to him. 

Priceless Loans...

Elder H. Burke Peterson said: " Mother is a child's lifeline. Children are not a gift to us, but a precious loan, a priceless loan to be returned---returned more valuable than when we received them.......The charge is ours to increase their worth.......(God created you to learn to be a good Mother---an Eternal Mother. It is your first and foremost calling.")

I have read this quote over and over again today. I think about Sage and I know I was his lifeline. I woke up that morning looking for him and wanting to nurse him. I did my best at making sure I kept my breast milk clean and pure. I made sure almost all of his baby food was handmade. I nourished his body in and out of the womb. I can honestly say I did my best to take care of his body and my body.

A priceless loan to be returned---returned more valuable than when we received them! I have spent a long time thinking about Sages life. I convinced myself that he was called home because I was an awful Mother. I beat myself up for every mistake I had ever made. If only I had tried harder or done a better job being a Mother to 5 children. Maybe just maybe he could have stayed. I thought Heavenly Father was not proud of me or my Mothering abilities. I was scared to get pregnant again because, I just knew I was a terrible Mother.Why would he loan me another special Spirit? When he just came and took one home.

The more I have pondered this quote the clearer its message rang in my ears. Sage was a priceless loan to be returned-----returned  more valuable than when Sage came to me. Looking back over his short life I can know that I did the best job I could do. That night when I lay him down to sleep. Sage was freshly bathed, fully nourished, clean pj's, spotless room, played with, tickled and completely loved. Every, night for 8 months and 2 days I layed him down to sleep the same way. Everyday, I tried my hardest to be the best Mom I could be. I took him to church, read him scriptures, and gave him my whole heart.

I truly believe that when he was called back home to his Heavenly home his mission was complete. I realize that I did send him home more valuable than when I received him. That is all Heavenly Father asked of me. I fulfilled my first calling to be a good Mother---I will stay and prepare myself to fulfill the rest of my calling to be his Eternal Mother. Sage is waiting and looking forward to that day as much as I am. I am going to try to no longer feel guilty that  this was my fault. I did my best.

Somehow...

 It is difficult to see my other children grow up. The pictures on the wall do not represent the children that I now have in my home. We are all different...we are all older...
our life is moving on...this change breaks my heart. Soon another baby picture will be on the wall and her picture will grow and change...his will stay frozen in time.  I wonder about the millennium how will it be?  It will be perfect I am told. I know Sage will be given back to me. I know I will have him again the same way I layed him down...I have no doubt about this. This gives me so much peace and comfort. I know the other kids will be their but, like I said they are older, they will be older. I do not know how Heavenly Father is going to make this feeling go away. The feeling of missing out on raising Sage with these brothers and sisters. Running around this house, making noise and messes. I know Sage watches over us and sees our lives but the fact remains...these kids are growing up without Sage in the physical sense. All I know is there is a plan. Heavenly Father has promised that all will be right in the end. I feel like all of us are missing out on so much. I have to keep the faith...somehow the end will be better than the beginning. In the grand scheme of things none of the things we are missing will matter? I hope so...I really hope so...I have to tell myself this daily...when it is all said and done...everything will be just fine. I guess it does not matter if I do not have all the answers right now...Heavenly Father already hammered out the details long ago... So even though I don't understand and see everything...I will go and do what my Father has commanded me to do...I will continue to move forward knowing that somehow someway all of this will be okay in the end. I cling to the Atonement of Jesus, it is my rod of iron. It is perfect and the love he has for me is perfect so in the end things will work out perfectly.

Due...

A big part of me wants to talk about, how after 14 months...it still hurts...it still takes everything you have every day to get up and live and choose to handle things the way Heavenly Father wants you to handle it. I want to talk about that but I won't, instead I want to make you laugh...because sometimes we all need to just laugh no matter how crappy things might be!
Remember I said I found some pictures of Sage on an old cell phone? Well I found some of me pregnant with Sage. Sage was due on July 13, 2008 and he decided he had other plans he did not come until the 17th of July. He was going to stay in there as long as he could! I kept going  into labor then it would stop and I would cry. This went on for weeks. I was at my wits end...I was pregnant in the middle of July...living in the Valley of the Sun! I was done being pregnant! I started going to the chiropractor a few weeks before he was born. I feel that they really help get your body in line and your delivery goes smoother. My chiropractor would work on me and the next day I would show up more pregnant than I was the day before. He told me about some lady in his complex that could hook me up to a machine, that would put me into labor. I called her and made my appointment for the next day! I really had no idea what this woman was going to do but, like I said I was done and desperate! The lady got busy hooking me up to her machines! All Spencer could do was stand at the door way hands on his knees laughing hysterically at me! I was getting so mad at him! After, he took a few cell phones pics of me, the lady kicked him out of the office! I could hear him laughing all the way outside! My Mom did not laugh at me...she has had 6 babies, she knows how desperate you get! Well I walked out of the office in labor...I showed up at the hospital the next morning in labor! I have no idea if this worked but who cares Sage finally came! I wonder what he thinks when he looks back on this part of his life!

New Pictures!

A few days ago Spencer's cell phone broke. Today he dug through the junk drawer to find his old phone. When he hooked it up to the computer, I discovered almost 10-15 "NEW" pictures of Sage on the old phone. I just sat and cried as I looked at each picture. Every time I clicked to the next picture, my heart would just race wondering if he would be in the next photo. I was so happy and felt so blessed today. I have sat and looked at the pictures over and over again today. I will always be thankful for this tender mercy. I know the Lord watches over us daily he knows what we need when we really need it. I pray everyday that I will always live my life worthy of such tender mercy's and blessings from the Lord. Missing my little boy today...and everyday. His perfect little lips and nose...look at those big brown eyes! I sure do miss my little Sagebrush.

Little Treasure

The past few weeks I have been trying to remember every detail I can remember of Sage and our short time together. I remembered that 1 1/2 weeks before he died  Uncle DJ and I took all five kids to Hobby Lobby. I needed to find the perfect baby shower invites for Amanda's little Izzy.  I recall just laughing at DJ trying to watch all 5 kids while I shopped around.  I heard him hauler at a kid every know and again...saying..."Don't touch that!" or "You need to go pee again?"  "Lets go see if your Mom is done yet!"  "Get back over here and stay with the group!" I giggled and enjoyed my alone time in Hobby Lobby!  I look over and here comes Uncle DJ with all five kids in tow and each kid had a little goodie/toy.  DJ said it was the only thing that kept all of them happy!  He said, "We are buying them and that was that!" I laughed because DJ looked so desperate to keep them all quite and he finally did it! I do not remember anything about what toys the other kids got.  I just remember looking down at Sage he was holding his little rattle in his hand shaking it and laughing so hard!  Sage loved his little rattle and I thought he looked so adorable sitting in his Dinosaur car seat holding his little toy from Uncle DJ.

Well  like I said, I have not gone through any of Sages things up until the past few weeks.  It is just to difficult for me.  I have been thinking about the last days of his life and what we did together.  I remember Hobby Lobby and I remembered the little rattle.  I thought it was long gone by now and never thought I would see it again.  I never even bothered to look for the 25 cent plastic rattle.  Today, I went to Sages closet to find a diaper stacker that was Williams when he was a baby and out fell Sages little toy rattle from Hobby Lobby.

I picked it up and just cried.   I had found the rattle...or the rattle found me.  I like to think of it as a little Mothers Day present from Sage.  I had told no one about the rattle and that I wished I had it.  To me it means the world.  One more tangible reminder that he was here with our family.  One more memory that I have to hold on to. 

Sage's Headstone

It took me a very long time before I felt like ordering Sage's headstone. I wanted his stone to be perfect. I designed one and after shopping around, I realized it was going to cost us a small fortune for what I wanted. I finally came to the realization that whatever I picked out would never be good enough so finally I settled and picked out this Headstone.  I think it is beautiful. He has a beautiful name and this picture captures Sages sweet spirit so perfectly.

The saying "See you in the morning" came from another Angel Mommy. Becky talked about the Joy she will have when she gets to be with her little girl again in the morning of the first resurrection.   I have thought about this a lot. Sage passed away early in the morning and that morning was the darkest hour of my life.  I try everyday to think about the morning that he will be placed back in our arms.  live my life everyday so that on that Morning I will be found worthy to hold my baby boy again.

LYTE stands for "Love You Through Eternity" this is something that Spencer's family has said to each other for a very long time. We thought it fit perfectly and we are happy it was included on his headstone.  The Building on the Headstone is the Mesa Arizona Temple.  This is where Spencer and I were married and sealed for time and all eternity. 

Sage is burried on top of Spencer's little brother Kenny. The cemetery would not allow us to have a vase on his headstone. So we use Kenny's vase which is just above Sage's headstone.  still wish he had his own vase but I wish lots of things...

It is such a bittersweet feeling seeing your child's name and picture written on a headstone.  You are happy that when people walk by they will know that he is there.  But how your heart aches to see his name written on other things.  I just hurt and miss my baby. It has been 14 months and it this still hurts.  I try my best everyday...

 

Trey helped clean his baby brothers headstone.  When we got to the Cemetery Trey got out of the van and folded his arms.  He treats Sage and Kenny's grave with such respect and care.  

Richard and Carolyn met us there and the kids gathered pine cones, rocks and a tree branch, they wanted to decorate his grave. I thought it was sweet of them. My Mom came as well.  always takes the pictures. 

"Weezer"

This is a subject that I have not wanted to talk about or even admit that I was having an issue with. After yesterdays post I realized I had talked about my Anger. I have tried so hard to always be positive and talk about everything else but I have kept quiet about the Anger.

I know everyone grieves differently that is normal but we will all cycle though the same emotions on our journey through grief. Some cry, some talk, some refuse to talk and some get angry. I think the key to grief is to allow each stage to come but to not get "stuck" in any one phase or cycle for very long. Allow yourself to feel each and every emotion and let it do its work and then move forward.

A few days after Sage passed away I found myself standing on the side of the road slamming my fists into the side of my van. A police officer saw me and was going to arrest me. Spencer and my Mom explained that my son died and we had just left the funeral home picking out a casket. The officer suggested calling an ambulance but after some consideration decided to let us go on our way.

I am not one to just sit and cry. I was raised by a Father that I had never seen shed one tear in all of his years. I was shocked to see tears in my Dads eyes when Sage passed away. He really never got involved in our child rearing but if he saw me crying he made sure I knew I was tougher than the tears and that I needed to suck it up.

So when Sage passed away I decided that day that I was not going to let this take me down. I was a tough Reidhead and I could conquer anything. I did not realize, even at the time, just how hard it was going to be to lose a child.

I think Sage had been gone 6 weeks or longer before I actually cried those gut wrenching sobs that had threatened to take over. When I started to feel that all too familiar feeling of wanting to break down and I cry would do something. The day of the funeral after the services when we were at the graveside my emotions started to get the best of me so I just got up and walked away.

After some time alone in the van I made my way back for the remainder of his graveside service. Another day I grabbed a shovel and dug up my back yard in the middle of July when the temperature was 110. I painted the bathrooms, kitchen, and kids rooms, or I made 200 hair bows.  I taught myself how to sew.  I also would rearrange my entire house.  I did all of this to run and hide from the tears and heartache. I would stuff the tears down deep and the anger would just bubble up.

I have never gotten Angry at Heavenly Father or asked why me or why my baby. Instead I would get angry at myself.  Angry that I was not as tough as I once thought.  Angry that I was not in control of my life.  Angry that I hurt so bad. Angry that I knew that this was something that was never going to get better one day.  I would feel the tears coming and I would fight them and get angry when they did come.  Angry that my eyes would get so puffy and angry that I now had a headache from crying so hard.  I would get angry if I was at church and my emotions got the better of me and I cried.  I would get even more angry if anyone saw me cry.  That was the worst.  I would rather have them see me angry than to see me being a cry baby. People would say your so strong...I never see you crying...if this happened to me I would stay in bed and cry all day. I would think to myself, well that is why this happened to me...I am stronger than you...I am not a cry baby. Well not me...instead you would see me outside kicking a shovel all over the back yard with bloody hands and blisters. That is just how I handle things.

When I got pregnant with this baby, I got extremely sick and my work habits changed dramatically. I went from running myself into the ground and hiding from my grief to sitting on the couch all day long facing my grief head on. I started crying in January and I have not stopped since. The tears just come and I have to let them come. I have cried so much. I have let go of my anger and I have embraced the tears. I don't care who sees me cry anymore. My eyes are always moist and my tears are always ready to pour. I am okay with it. It is okay to cry. Its okay to go through a whole box of tissues. It has been hard for me to let go of the anger and embrace the tears.

I watched this clip a long time ago and I have laughed so hard and cried as well. Our family's joke is. When ever, Spencer sees that I am pushing aside the tears and sees the anger boiling up, he will just look at me and say "here hit Weezer"! I just start laughing...it helps me so much and I am okay. I guess in a way my anger now has a name "Weezer". Weezer comes and goes but Weezer has not been around in a while. I see that I am healing slowly but surely.

My only advice to someone who has had to deal with Weezer is to just sit and pray. Pray for as long as you need to pray. Eventually the Spirit of the Holy Ghost will come and the hold "Weezer" has on you will pass. Grief is a series of phases and I'm sure my old friend Weezer will visit me every now and again.

For easier listening scroll to the bottom of the blog and pause "Sages Songs"

One Moment at a time...

A few days after Sage passed away I asked my sister Jessica and her husband John to gather up all of his things and put them in his room. I also had them move all of Trey's things out of the room. I came home that night and there was no trace of Sage having ever been in our home. His things where stashed away. It took me a few months before I could even open the door and step foot in his room. Then one day I was finally able to go in and clean his room and organize all of his things.

This past year I have had no idea what to do with his room or his things. Some days I had to refrain from slapping up some dry wall over the entrance and pretend it never was there so I did not have to deal with it.

I have gone in the garage and grabbed an axe. I have wanted to kick down the door and rip his room, crib and mattress to shreds. Sometimes, I honestly thought about taking a match and lighting the room on fire. I realize that none of these are realistic thoughts so I have left the room as is. You can call me crazy until you have lost a child don't judge because you really have no clue how bad it hurts.

The past year I would go into his room really late at night after the other kids were sound asleep and sit in the rocking chair and cry. I have not opened the drawers to look at his things. I have not opened the closet to see where his things where hung. I just sit in the chair and cry. The morning he passed away my Mother asked if we wanted pictures of Spencer and I holding him for the last time. I said yes. My Mother took four pictures. I got the pictures printed. I have them sitting next to the rocking chair in a book. I pull them out and look at each one. I know this sounds strange but grief does that to you. It is my way of trying to accept that my baby is gone. Trying with all my heart to come to terms with the fact that this was Gods will for me. I hardly look at pictures of him living because those hurt too bad but instead I look at the other pictures because him being gone is my reality.

I remember the way I felt the day he left. I felt at peace and was able to let him go....I could feel with every fiber of my being that it was his time and that it was no accident. I knew that his earthly mission was over and he was simply being called home. I read this scripture a few days after he passed away...
D&C 6:23 Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?

I sit in my rocking chair and try and picture what that night was like for Sage. Who came for him? What is it like to be welcomed back home? Was he happy to leave or was he sad? Did he suffer or did he die peacefully? So many unanswered questions? The feeling in his room is so peaceful. I try to imagine all the Angels and Spirits that were in his room. It is only then that I can let the peace come and let go of the anger.

The past few months I have slowly been going through his room. I have taken it one item at a time. Just like I have to take this journey of grief one minute at a time, I have taken his room apart one item at a time.

I have been able to clean out the dresser and closet. Today I cleaned out his crib. The dresser under the crib and the drawers next to the crib. I took off the remaining crib bedding and removed the mattress. One of the hardest things to pack away was all of the clothes that still had tags on them. Things he never got to wear.

I felt the waves of grief roll in and crash down around me. I hit my knees holding onto the rails of the crib just sobbing. You know, the cry that comes that nearly almost kills you. You think during this kind of cry that at any moment your heart will finally stop beating because it hurts too bad. Some how you breathe and you get to the next moment.

Once again I sent up a small prayer and turned and walked away from the room. Wishing that I did not have to know or understand how badly this hurts. I went down stairs and made adorable little Kerr jars full of hard candy. A jar for each one of the kids. Then I thought...oh please Heavenly Father don't let one of them choke and die on a piece of hard candy. I decided not to give them the candy. We made Popsicles instead.

Doc

Friday we had an ultra sound and Dr.'s appointment. The tech was able to get wonderful shots of our new Baby Sister! All of us are really excited and look forward to her arrival.

I had a different Dr. at this appointment, a Dr. I had never met. I sat on the little table, on a sheet of tissue paper waiting. Dr. Goodman finally toddled in the room. He was a really old man and I was shocked that he still practiced medicine. He brought with him, his own medical bag and pulled out his stethoscope. He listened to my belly and told me that baby sounded wonderful and that everything looked great. A few minutes later he said but, your an old vet like me! He asked me about my children and kept pushing about each child's age and gender. I got to Sage and decided to share that he had passed away.

The Dr. sat there holding my paper work in his old hands and tears just poured from this old mans eyes. He looked up at me and just cried. He said that he had read that in my charts. He said he sat in his office and prayed that he would be able to share some of the wisdom he had gained over his many years. He said he has been delivering baby's a long time and it kills him every time a patient of his looses a baby to still born, SIDS, or other complications. He talked about how each baby and mother made him think about his love for Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. He said each death makes him step back and think about his own Testimony and what he truly believes.

He shared the love he has for our Savior Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. He told me that he knows without a doubt that only a loving Heavenly Father would make it possible for all of us Mothers to be with our babies again. He feels that we are special even though, we don't feel so special! I cried, I was so thankful for this old man and that he took the time to share his Testimony with me. I left the OBGYN office feeling thankful that Heavenly Father puts people in my life at just the right moments. I am thankful the Dr. took care of my physical well being as well as my spiritual well being!

Here is "baby sister" at 21 weeks. She is 15 ounces and healthy. She kept putting both of her feet right up over her face! I had never seen that before! All of us are so happy that she is coming to our family!

How do you plan your baby's funeral?

A few days ago I was digging in all of our piles of unopened mail from the past year. When I came across this piece of paper. At first I chucked into the trash pile then, I picked it up and realized what it was. This is the piece of paper I planned Sages funeral on. 

I remember deciding at some point I needed to be the one to do this, that no one else could do this for me. I remember falling to my knees and just praying that somehow I would know how too plan my Son's funeral. 

I grabbed a piece of plain white computer paper and started planning.

This is where it gets sad/comical however you decide to view it. For me I truly realize just how out of it I really was. 

1. Presiding Bishop Borgous...he has been my Bishop for a long time...I spelled his last name wrong.

2. opening prayer Richard prayer

3. Be still my soal...spelled wrong again...never even heard the song just came to my mind...even at the funeral I did not know one word to the song.

4.life sctech...spelled wrong...I felt so bad asking my mother to do this for me...she was more out of it than me I think. I knew that no one knew my little man better than my Mother knew him. She had to be the one.

5. Children sing musical...I crossed that off for some reason...I guess the kids would not feel up to singing.

6. Lords Helaman...the correct title to that song is "We'll Bring the World His Truth". 

7. Dad give talk...I was surprised Dad called and said I am talking at that boys funeral...okay no arguments from me...was I shocked yes...my Dad is not a man to want to give a talk.

8. I crossed out Musical #...some lady I called said thanks but no thanks!

9.President Rothisberger...I thought if this man talks then this must be true and not a joke so I crossed him off the list as well.

10. post.Howard.post...he had been my Bishop for many years before I got married. I knew that he had lost a son named Wyatt...I needed him to talk.

11. good be we meet agane...it should have said..."God Be With You Till We Meet Again".

12. clothing remarks...closing remarks??

13. prayer JIM clothing prayer Jim Reidhed...Jim is my uncle...I spelled my Maiden name wrong...Reidhead...and I guess all I could think about was Sages burial clothing. 

14. Cementary

15. Lunchin

16. Home to Silence..........

My Sister In Law Carolyn said she would be willing to make his programs. I called her or she called me and this is the piece of paper I used to describe to her over the phone the funeral plans. She asked if I wanted a musical # I said yes, she asked if I had any ideas. I gave her my one and only idea. She said I have that sheet music and I know just the perfect guy for the job. Some how Carolyn, Gary, Ellen and Debbie where able to come up with his program and life slide show. I think they both turned out to be so beautiful. I am so thankful she was in tune with the Spirit and was able to make the programs that I really wanted for my perfect little baby boy. Carolyn and Richard did so much me and my family. I will be forever grateful to them.
I pray that I never have to plan another child's funeral ever again.

Who knew I had so much to say!

It hit me the other day that some people had no idea that I have another blog! It is our family blog. I enjoy writing things that are personal about Sage. He has a very special place in my heart and I like coming here to visit memories of him and make new ones. I have tried so hard to keep living and doing things for my  4 living children. Keeping the other blog helps me stay focused on them and not continually focused on the one that has gone before them. They are my here and now.

Let Them Be Little

My Mother has also kept her own blog...she loves to talk about my family in her blog as well! You can not read my story with out keeping up with Moms story!  I have an amazing Mother to say the least!

Lizard's Roost

Why I just thought to include my other blog is beyond me!

He Lives

 

 

Among all the facts of mortality, none is so certain as it's end. Death comes to all. It is our universal heritage.

It may claim its victims in infancy or youth. It may visit in the period of life's prime. It's summons may be deferred until the snows of age have gathered upon the head. It may befall as the result of an accident, or disease, or through natural causes. But, come it must. It inevitably represents the painful loss of association. And particularly, in the young, a crushing blow to dreams unrealized, ambitions unfulfilled, and hopes vanquished."

-President Thomas S. Monson

(Sunday AM session)

 

 

 

I know that death must and will come to us all! You just always hope and pray that it comes when snow has gathered on your head! I remember everyday what it felt like to have Sage here one day and the next he was gone. I remember the weight of his living body and how well it moved before he died. The next morning when I saw him. I knew instantly that his spirit was no longer residing in his perfect little body. I can recall all to well how heavy his broken body was. How he could not hold up his head...or open his eyes...or move his toes...all the things I most desperately wanted him to do. I know this will sound morbid but, dead is dead. I truly believe that Satan wants us to believe without a doubt that death is it. Dead is dead, ashes to ashes and dust to dust. I feel this little 9 oz baby moving and kicking me and she is alive! I know that she was alive before she came to our family! Therefore, I know that even in death she will live again! I know what death looks like, how those haunting images come at the drop of a hat. I want to testify today, that Jesus Christ broke the bands of Death. He loves us enough to break the band that is on Sages body. I know that one day I will hold my perfect precious son again. I know that his broken body will heal and he will be made whole. I know that Jesus Christ lives. I know that he loves me. I know that our beloved Prophet Thomas S. Monson is a man of God.

In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen

Crystal

 

 

 

Signs from Heaven are for the Birds!

I called Sage my little bird or my baby bird. He wanted to nurse all of the time and he just reminded me of a baby bird. On our vacation we spent 3 days walking around zoos and we saw many beautiful birds. Well shortly after Sage passed away our family noticed that birds where coming to our family in weird ways that had never come to us before. I wish I took the time to write all of the stories down. At first I thought we where just reaching for a glimpse of something and hoped it was Sage sending us birds. After, so many "strange bird encounters" we have decided that it really is Sage sending us birds every once in a while.

I will just name a few... While rearranging the kids room a humming bird flew right into the upstairs bedroom window flew around the room appearing to look around. It flew right up to my nose as if to say looks good and flew right back out the window.

One afternoon William and Wayne found a big exotic bird just hanging out on the front lawn. Sister Scow told them the name of the bird and it flew away.  

Spencer and I were sitting in our monthly grief counseling session. The windows behind our counselor go from the floor to ceiling. He had the mini blinds pulled up. While he was talking and being very serious and sad a Road Runner ran right up to the window and was looking in the room staring right at Spencer and me. We started laughing hysterically. We never told the guy that we think Sage sends us birds....

Late one night we pulled into the walmart parking lot. When we got to the front door we noticed a man and woman holding two large parrots! I got to hold the green and yellow parrot. It bent its head down and picked up the "Sage necklace" around my neck and held it in its beek. The other parrot was an all white parrot named Celeste. The weird thing about this bird encounter was I secretly told Heavenly Father I know Sage is sending us birds. If it is really him....then I want him to send me a green and yellow parrot.....I want to hold it. I even bought a magnet for our fridge with the parrot I wanted to be sent to me. I cried and cried I knew without a doubt he sent me my parrot. I know you are never supposed to ask for signs from Heaven, but Heavenly Father only confirmed to me what we already knew to be true!

I could go on and on about the many times Sage has sent us a bird. Last night was the all time best and I think I have not laughed so hard since Sage left.

Wayne and Trey walked out the back door holding a red butterfly net and a water gun. "Mom Sage is going to send us a bird.....Trey is going to catch it in his butterfly net and Wayne is going to squirt the bird with the water gun"! In my most okay what ever just get out from underneath my feet your driving me crazy Mom voice I told them to go outside and wait for their Sage bird to come.....

WELL about 30 minutes go by and all of a sudden I hear loud squealing noises and loud laughter. The boys come running towards the back door. SMILES ear to ear.....Mom SAGE SENT US A DUCK! I look out the window and to my surprise there is a big Mallard duck  roaming around my back yard! Wayne was squirting it as fast as he could and Trey was running around it trying to catch it in his red butterfly net! I laughed at the site and tears poured down because, I felt like Sage was saying come on Mom you have to laugh today! We laughed all night and all day today! Keep in mind I live in the Desert, farm lands. The houses that live right next to me call there housing area the DUST BOWL! Yes I have seen ducks here at the parks around the lakes and golf courses but never a duck just coming to hang out in my back yard! I ran to grab my camera, but it flew away.

I pray that Sage keeps sending my family birds! My Mother, cousin, brothers, sisters and Visting Teachers all have had their own bird encounters over the past year so they know I am not crazy when I say Sage sent us another bird!

Sage's Garden

As most of you know a few days before Sage passed away we spent a couple of days together as a family in San Diego. It was spring time and all of the flowers were in bloom! The night before Sage passed away we spent the last hours of his life walking around the garden department at Home Depo. I picked out a special flower bush for each child. You can read the rest of the story here...The Day Sage passed away.

I sorta laugh when I think about things......well I only laugh about one thing....Sister Bourgeous, my Bishops wife, asked me the day Sage passed away, "Is there anything we can do for you?" Why Yes! I have a bunch of flowers in the back of my van that need to be planted in my back yard. This is where I tend to giggle remembering her face and reply, "Umm yes Honey we will get them out of the van and they will not die". I  think about that request and giggle.  She was probably thinking, hello crazy lady....your baby just passed away and your worried about your yard?

Over the past year I have spent countless hours in my backyard. I think I have offered up thousands of prayers while in my back yard working on Sages garden. I work and spend time thinking about my little guy. I love the Spirit of peace and comfort that I feel when ever I look out the window and see his garden.

I think about how much these plants have grown in the past year. I look at how beautiful they have become! I saw in my mind the night before Sage passed away, the vision of what my yard could become with alot of hard work and dedication. The Lord sees me as I can become and he is helping me grow into the Daughter of God he knows I can be. I still have many more countless years of hard work ahead of me both in the yard and in Spirit.  I know that I can and will become the beautiful Daughter that he intended me to be in the beginning.

We planted another tree this year on the day we buried Sage. I look forward to watching this tree grow and develope over the next couple of years. If Sister B. is wondering no, none of my plants died that where sitting in the back of the van! They have all lived and become so beautiful to look at!

Remembering

I can hardly believe it's been one year since Sage passed away.  You hear from other's how difficult that anniversary can be and then you find out just how hard it is.  Crystal and Spencer spent countless hours discussing how they should spend March 19th and they new that if they stayed home they would be sad and depressed.  So for the sake of their children they chose to take everyone on a trip to California/Disneyland.  The kids were happy that day and it was nice to see smiles on their faces.  William had a more difficult time and he told Crystal how he would think, "Sage would have liked this ride" and he finally concluded that Sage would have liked the Winnie the Pooh ride the best.

For me I didn't expect this huge wave of depression that seemed to envelope me like some toxic cloud.  I would find myself thinking, "Well today was the last day I spent with him last year and we were doing such and such."  Then I would look at the clock and think, "Crystal was putting him to bed for the last time".  We burried him one year ago today and all day long I would tick away the time and remember what we were doing last year.  "I was waiting for his body to arrive at the church or I was watching my daughter tenderly wrap him in a blanket and close the lid to the casket or I would be speaking at his funeral and then finally we would be at his graveside.  It's hard...much harder than I thought.

There is a quote on my blog that reads, "There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child.  Things never get back to the way they were"  ~Dwight D. Eisenhower  This quote is so very true.  Things will never be the same again.  We are forever changed by the life of one little boy and the pain of his absence is felt daily.  We are trying not to be sad but instead to move on with Faith and Happiness.

I have a rock I bought just days after Sage died.  I found it in the garden department at JoAnn's.  It's a rock with the name "Sage" engraved on it.  I nearly always have it with me. It reminds me that Sage is with me always that he is never really far away.  So I started having fun with my little Sage Rock and started photographing it.  We took "Sage" with us on vacation.

Here he is at the beach in Oceanside, California

Disneyland

by the Merri-Go-Round

By the Dumbo Ride

Now to take you back in time...

Here is William with his buddy "Woody"

Will and Wayne with their "Woody"

Woody and Trey

Jayden and Woody's side kick "Jessy"

Jayden Sharing her "Jessy Doll" with Baby Sage

We love Toy Story!  It holds a special place in our family's heart.

We were so excited to see  Woody and Jessy and they were very touched to get to hold "Sage's Rock" on his Angel Day.

The morning of the 19th we had a family prayer and released balloons in Sage's Memory

The next three pictures shows the Love of a brother...William really misses Sage

This past year has not been easy...in fact it has been Hell.  I mean if you think about it Heaven is getting to be with your loved ones so part of Hell must be having to live without them right? 

Crystal is amazing and very strong but she is still hurting and many people just see the "Mask" that she puts on every day so people around her won't be uncomfortable.  She is hurting and even angry and finds it hard to wake up everyday and face another day without her son. 

I questioned the wisdom of our decision to "Vacation" on Sage's Angel Day Anniversary.  Was it hard...YES..Crystal had a complete melt down right there on Main Street at Disneyland waiting for the parade to start.  People walking by wondering why this woman is sitting on the sidewalk in tears.  Or how upset she was at Disneyland Adventure Park.  My heart breaks for her and Spencer everyday. 

But for whatever reason this is a trial their family...our family...has to endure.  We have seen  many changes for the good because of Sage and we try to hang on to those positive changes.

It would be easy to just give into the anger and then I remember our Heavenly Father and the sacrifice he made when he watched his Son, Jesus Christ, suffer and die on the cross for our sins.  I'm sure he had to keep focusing on the good that would come from his sons death too.

What a glorious day it will be when all mothers are reunited with their children...when this Hell will be over and only Peace, Love and Happiness will exhist.

I miss and Love you Sage...Love Grandma