Everyone keeps telling me that memories are a wonderful thing to have and hold onto. I almost hate memories they haunt you whether they are good or bad.
I have a difficult time looking at his Christmas pictures with all of his gifts. I think, look at some of the outfits he never got to wear………Look at the toys that he was too little to play with and are still sitting in his room unopened never to be played with.
The worst part of these pictures………breath…….hold back tears……..you never think the Christmas Jammies you dress your little guy in will later become, the same Jammies that he will die in. Your brain tends to remember the dramatic, horrible, and gut wrenching stuff more than, it likes to hold onto the good ole days. These pictures bring back many bad memories along, with some good. Maybe one day I will look back at these pictures without vomiting in my mouth.
I realize that I probably share to much of my real thoughts and feelings. I do not care……I am hurting and struggling to be okay with this. I know that other people have harder trials but, this is hard for me. All I can say is I am trying my best everyday to be okay with this. All Heavenly Father asks is we try our best. So everyday I try to carry on and live the best life I know how.
I miss my baby this Christmas season. The thing that helps is reading Luke 2 everyday, praying, and crying all the time. I try to think about what Christmas might be like in Heaven? What does the choir sound like there? I wonder what kind of traditions they have in Heaven? I try to be happy for him, he gets to celebrate Christmas with Jesus Christ…………….this brings more meaning to the words…………peace…………..joy…………….glory………………that has to beat my Costco nativity set any day!
6 comments:
If you weren't angry and upset then people should start worrying. I send prayers for you and your family everyday.
God Bless,
Mary
My heart breaks for you and Spencer. I sit here and try to think of comforting words to say but nothing seems good enough.
I am so glad that you have such faith in our Heavenly Father. I know it doesn't take away the pain, but knowing Sage is not alone during the holiday season is an amazing thing to know.
I don't think you share to much information. Sometimes writing and talking about your deepest feelings eases the pain you feel inside.
Crystal, I know I am a stranger to you in this world but if there is anything I can do for you please don't hesitate to ask of me.
I will be praying for you and your family!
I know what your saying about the jammies...I gave him those for Christmas and I gave him the matching solid blue pair. They were mix-n-match jammies...he died in them! What the heck? I remember thinking that watching them do CPR and then later noticing his pajama top lying on the floor next to him as they put those stupid round sticky things on his chest to look for a heart beat...really that's what I intended those Pajama's to do...be one of the last HORRIBLE memories of my grandson! Then this summer...it hurt so bad to know the adorable little swim suit with matching shirt and rope hung in his closet never to be worn. I remember bying him that for Christmas too and never dreamed it would never be worn. I LOVED that set and couldn't wait to get the pool up and running and take him swimming...that's one of the reasons my pool didn't get filled this summer...that and the fear of losing another child to drowning...not worth the risk no matter how careful we are I have learned bad things happen. Then Amanda has the guilt of knowing the blanket found wrapped around his face was the quilt she made him...she was in the process of quilting Izzy, her unborn baby a quilt, and it remains in the frame today...untouched...she swears she will never make another quilt again. So much pain for all of us. You know we love all of these kids but we were all so drawn to Sage we knew he was special and I truly believe it was the Spirit letting us know how special he was and to LOVE him completely while he is here. Yes this SUCKS it hurts especially this time of year. We went Christmas shopping the other day and there are all these things in our basket for the various children and then laying in the middle of them is a bouquet of silk Christmas flowers for Sage's grave...it's wrong...we should have been buying toys and clothes for him too not something to decorate his grave...I know this comment is long but today this sucks! Hard day...just one of many. I'm so sorry to see you hurting...as a mom I spent a lifetime making sure my children had a wonderful Holiday season and awesome Christmas's and that was hard...especially for you and DJ since you are both born in December. But now this is something I can't fix or make better. All those years of wonderful Christmas's and birthday's and now this will forever make them sad...I can't fix this or make it better. Just Heavenly Father and the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ he is the ultimate healer...only he can fix this and put us back together again. So sweet daughter of mine, continue to be strong, keep the faith, know that I love you, I'm here for you, and I'm so proud of you.
I don't know how I randomly ended up on your blog but I'm glad I did. Your story is touching and I ache for you and your family. I lost my mom this year and I, along with you, am struggling this Christmas season. A song that I LOVE and listen to constantly is "Christmas in Heaven" by Sarah Schieber. I think it says perfectly how I(and I imagine you) feel. Look it up, I don't think you'll regret it! Know that I am thinking and praying for you. You are a inspiration!!
In so many ways, I will be glad when you have been able to get through a whole year's holidays and special moments. I know it won't be all over then, but hopefully it will be a little easier.
We love all of you and pray for you every day
Share whatever you need to share Crystal. You have no idea who else might be reading it, another mom or dad whose child is gone and feels exactly the same. Or maybe someone who didn't lose a child but still relates to your pain and grief.
I loved your comment in another post about once being happy with 4 children. Such a good point, I'm sure people think "well at least you have 4 more." But you need Sage as much as you would if he was the only one.
I hope you will find some happiness this Christmas, and find a way to include Sage as a new family tradition. Stay strong Crystal, we are all thinking of you.
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