Blank

I was reading another blog and it sparked this memory. Stephenie Meyer writes the Twilight book series, about a girl and a vampire who are in love. In the second book, after Edward leaves because he wants Bella to have a normal life, there are a few chapters with headings and nothing else. Like, at the top of the page, "October" is written and underlined, but the entire page is blank, because that's how it feels when you lose someone that important to you- blank. After a while, she starts writing again: about how Bella pretends to be normal, going out with friends to see a movie she has no interest in because it would be 'normal.' Talking to people at lunch because that would be 'normal.' And I have to admit there are days- weeks actually- that I only remember because I have kept a journal. I still have blank days.

This is how I have felt, I change the calendar every month. I write 6 months closer to being with Sage again. August is gone and I do not remember much of it at all. I have the hardest time being around large groups of people that all are generally happy and positive. I do everything in my power to not sit and cry. This hurts so bad. Every one thinks I am handling this so "WELL"! I should be paid to be an actress. I can doll myself up and laugh with the best of them. I look forward to the day's when smiling and laughing are not forced and hard to do.

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

Like walking around in a fog. I remember bits and peaces.

The Lord helps me get the necessary things done. He gives me the strength I need each day to get out of bed. Place foot in front of the other and carry on. Sometimes you think that at any moment your heart will not be able to handle this heartbreak one more minute and that it will simply give up on you. It won't it keeps on beating so I keep on walking through my days and nights hurting so bad. 6 months of the Lord carrying me and helping me along my way. I am thankful the Lord can see the entire picture because to me I feel blank, I see rays of hope when someone reaches out and says hello. One day I am sure I will feel nothing but joy but, as for now I feel blank and missing so much of life. I will not remember Jayden's, Trey's, William's and Wayne's year or my 8th year of marriage. My niece is 5 months old and I do not remember much of her. I forget that Jessy is pregnant. I forget that Royal is happy and doing well. I forget that I have a brother named DJ. I only remember when he calls or stops by. I have locked my keys in the car. I have forgot to pay many bills including the house payment opps. I forget that Trey broke his leg and was in a wheel chair. I forgot that our Mini Van was totaled. I have forgotten what meals we ate prior to Sage moving on what do I cook  for dinner? I forget to do the laundry for weeks at a time. I am trying my hardest but, the canvas comes back blank. I am trying so hard. So sometimes it is hard to see that this is for our own good. One day I might just jump up and down and be so happy this is apart of my journey but as for today and this month I feel blank.