William

The minute William was born I looked down at my brand new baby boy and I sorta laughed. He looked like a wise little old man. He was adorable and I loved him dearly but I will always remember thinking he was an old soul...

William is very lovely and kind in all he does. He always gives hugs and loves to me. He will rub your arm and just want to cuddle everyday. He gets upset if an animal is killed on the road and he hates watching the news because it makes him so sad to hear about all the terrible stuff that people do to each other.

These past 2 weeks during the night William keeps coming into my room in the middle of the night to "CHECK on ME". He keeps having terrible nightmares that something happens to me and the baby. He dreams that he has to call 911, Dad, and Grandma. He is terrified that I will be all alone and need help and he will not hear me. Last night I told him he could get in bed with me, he told me that he was going to sit in the rocking chair next to me so he could stay awake. I looked over and he was sound asleep after 30 minutes. I moved him to my bed. He also is terrified that he does not know CPR or that he will have to perform CPR on me. I had to sit and explain to him why he is worried and how Sages death has affected him. I keep reasuring him that Momma and baby will be fine. That everything will be okay. He worries on the nights that Spencer is at work and he is the MAN of the house! I taught him how to use my phone just in case, hoping this would calm his fears. He wants to learn CPR....

I feel terrible that my 9 year old is traumatized. I do not think any 8 year old should have to see his Dad perform CPR and see his entire house fill up with fire fighters and police. It scared him so bad. It breaks my heart that he is so worried that he comes in to check on me at night.

I told him that he could sleep in my room when it gets closer to baby coming so he could help me if I needed it. I told him Grandma might come while Daddy is at work. I think I told him anything and everything he wanted to hear just to help calm his fears.

I also talked to him about needing to have faith that all will be well. That we have to try really hard not to live in fear and try to focus on being happy and not scared. Heavenly Father will take care of us and nothing bad will happen. If something bad does happen then we will deal with it when it comes. We have said many prayers in the middle of night...hoping that he can feel the Spirit and be able to feel calm and at peace with things.

Getting Closer....

Today my eyes have been moist with tears most of the day. I keep blinking and wiping my eyes to hold back the flood that wants to come. Grief is strange. I have realized it comes and goes as it pleases and most of the time it is sneaky and you have no idea it is coming to find you. I know that my hormones are all over the place due to being 4-3 weeks from having a baby. So I try to not be so hard on myself.

We are getting so excited for the arrival of our new baby girl. All of us are waiting patiently and watching the calendar with so much excitement. With the due date getting the closer the higher my fears seem to get. I no longer live in a bubble that babies live and that they always get to come home with Ma and Pa. I know more than ever things can go wrong instantly and nothing is set in stone. I hate hearing lighting can not strike twice. I hate to be a negative Nancy but yes...lighting and thunder and horrible things can happen twice to a family. SO as we wait for her arrival we HOPE for the best and secretly pray that we avoid the worse.

I joke that they might just have to knock me out to have the baby because I honestly think I am going to loose it as soon as she is out, safe, healthy, and all wrapped up and placed in my arms. I think I might need oxygen or something because I can only imagine the emotions I might have when she is born.

One thing that has been weighing on my mind is the moment the other children are introduced to their new sibling. I know that it is going to be another roller coaster of emotions. I will miss Sage so much more at that moment. A moment when as a Mother you feel your entire family should all be together. To be able to watch each of the kids reactions to the new baby. To take your first official family photo. To know that one is missing is so hard to grasp and come to terms with. I know he will be there in spirit and he will see everything....but we won't see everything....we will not see the entire picture until later. I know that this is Gods plan for me and my family. I sorta wish it did not have to hurt so much most of the time.

So once again I find myself praying that somehow we make it through the hard times and the happy and focus on the positive and the Eternal side of everything...sometimes that gets extremely difficult. Sometimes you want to take a cue from your little ones...lay down on the floor and kick, scream and cry until you hopefully get your way! I have learned all the tears in world are not going to change nothing...so you keep going whether you like it or not.

I pray that I can just enjoy the last few weeks of pregnancy and have a stronger Faith than I have ever had before...

Treys Memory

Tonight at dinner Trey said Mom I want to talk about Sage tonight, I said  Honey you can talk about Sage anytime you want. Mommy loves to talk about Sage. Then all of the kids started talking about Sage and the memories they each hold dear to their hearts. Wayne remembers how happy he was all of the time. William remembers how he loved his hair. Jayden does not remember much...except that we will be together again someday.
Treys Memory was one that I had forgotten...I was so happy Trey remembered it and wanted to share it with me! Sage army crawled over to the fridge and kept patting the door. Trey opened the door and grabbed the big jar of apple sauce. Trey dumped it all over the floor in front of Sage. I walked in the kitchen a few minutes later and found Sage covered in apple sauce and happy as can be!  I forgot Trey and Sage had gotten into such a mess. As soon as Trey started talking I remembered.
I used to get all upset when my kids made huge messes. Now I look around and think well at least they are here to make messes. A mess is proof that my children are alive and that to me means more than any clean freshly mopped kitchen floor!

Jayden and baby sister.

Spencer, Jayden, and I went to my 29 week ultra sound/appointment. Jayden sat on the table next to me and kept giving me hugs and loves during the entire ultra sound. She was in awe of her new baby sister in my belly and kept saying how cute she was. She laughed every time the baby moved. During the ultra sound Jayden looked at me and said MOM....that is not Sage in your tummy....When is Sage being Born again....then she kept repeating over and over again....SAGE IS DEAD MOM? The ultra sound tech lifted the Doppler off my tummy and just began bawling  her eyes out. I turned on my side and talked to Jayden about Sage and where he is. I explained that this baby is not Sage and that he will come back later when Jesus comes. It took about 10 minutes to explain things Jayden. I rolled back on my back and the ultra sound tech had tears still rolling down her face. She turned the machine to 3D ultrasound and showed us the baby from every angle possible. She was so nervous and upset that she was literally digging the doppler into my tummy. It hurt so bad. Finally she said is there anything else you want to see? No my belly was hurting! When I got up and was heading out the door she patted me on the back and told me I was an amazing Mother. It made me tear up.
Grief is difficult...you never know when the waves will come crashing down around you. Spencer and me where doing fine and enjoying the moment. When grief struck Jayden. It is moments like these that are difficult for me. It is hard to explain to a 3 year that her baby brother died. It makes no sense to her. I pray that this new baby will help all of my children heal. I am thankful she is a girl so the little ones will see her differently than they saw Sage. Bows and Dresses!

Baby girl is healthy and strong. She is weighing almost 4 pounds give or take a few ounces. Judging from the pictures she looks on the chunky side to me. She is very active and we all look forward to her arrival. A baby that I can love and cuddle on daily and I do not have to give back to the Mother it belongs to. She will belong to me!

Humpty Dumpty

The Atonement of Jesus Christ is one full circle. It not only covers our sins and transgressions but, Jesus also suffered for our sicknesses, grief, trials, afflictions, and mental and emotional illnesses. I cling to the Atonement on a daily basis. This past week has been hard on me. I feel like everything in my life is crashing down around me. I have found myself crying alot and just praying as hard as I can. I keep telling myself to have just a little bit more Faith than I did the day before! The only thing staying together is my little family! The only thing that really matters at the end of each day! I am thankful that Spencer and I are standing shoulder to shoulder dealing with everything together!

I found this little nursery rhyme from a church talk and it has stuck with me this past week. I keep repeating it over and over in my head!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty  had a great fall

All the King's horses and all the King's men

Couldn't put Humpty together again.....

BUT!!!! the KING could! the KING can, and the KING will! 

Like I said I need to have a little more Faith that somehow, someway through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I will be healed maybe not fully in this lifetime but one day!

Functioning.....

Slowly but surely things are getting done...somehow. People always say if this happened to me...I would not be able to function. Guess what folks I was not functioning. So many things did not get done that needed to be done.

I love having family dinner. It has been a long time since I have actually had the desire to cook for my family. For a long time after Sage moved on we literally ate fast food for every dinner. Some nights I would load the kids up and call my Mom and tell her we were on our way and we where hungry. None of us felt like cooking. If we had a home cooked meal it was a rare occasion. Sister Jones in my ward wanted to bring a meal into us she kept saying I know it has been 5 months since Sage passed away but, I wanted to do this. I cried it had been a long time since we had a home cooked dinner. We got to a point that we just got sick and tired of fast food. It was making us ill and even the kids had enough of the nasty food. Spencer started cooking first, when he was home from work. The other nights, I cooked little things and ordered pizza. It has been about a month or two and I can honestly say we are cooking almost everyday. I have been cooking dinner and it feels good.

I would go in and pick up the kids rooms and vacuum. One day after I was done cleaning, I walked back into the rooms and they stunk. I could not figure out why the room smelled funny. It dawned on me. I had not washed a sheet...pillow case...or comforter in almost 8 months. Their blankets sorta peeled off their beds. I cried so hard. I felt like such a failure. I was disgusted and mad.

My room..yah that was a joke and still is. Sage technically died in his crib...I never saw him in his crib. I heard Spencer screaming bloody murder...that Sage was dead. Before I could even crawl out of the covers, Spencer had carried him into my room. So to me he died in my room at the foot of my bed. It was my room that I saw Spencer work so hard to save Sage. It was my room that his Spirit finally stopped trying to stay and he left. It was in my room that detectives surrounded his little body. To say the least my room hardly ever gets cleaned. I have tried and I make every one help me. I clean the bathroom. The room hardly gets touched. I tried to go in there and paint it and rearrange and make it look different...the fact remains...my brain will not let go of any of those memories. I am scared to walk in the room if it is dark. I just have a difficult time in there. So it goes months at a time not being touched.

The microwave and stove had not been touched in almost 11 months. My Mom came over one day and cleaned them. I was so grateful for the help.

My carpets started to look really nasty. They are only 2 years old at the time and they looked horrid. My sister Amanda has come over twice to shampoo and clean them for me.

My sister RaLee has done a million clean up jobs around the house and baby sitting jobs. I will forever be grateful for her and her service to my family.

Laundry that has been a joke and is still a joke. I try and we have never gone completely naked yet but, sometimes it looks a little ify! For the first 5 months I never washed a load of soaks I just bought new packages for Spencer and the boys every 2 weeks. One day I discovered almost 5-6 big baskets of dirty soaks in my closet. We missed almost 3 weeks of church because I could not find the kids church clothes. It was too over whelming. My Mom came over many times and just did the laundry.

My refrigerator....hahaha....in 1 year it had not been touched. It took us almost 6 hours one afternoon to clean and scrub that thing out. All of us including the kids just kept opening the doors to look inside to see and smell it!

The garage! The beast...it is finally clean after four weeks of cleaning it 3 times a week!

The inside of my mini van yah it is still a joke. I get so embarrassed.

I spent many days all day moving my identical couches all over the living room. I needed to forget what couch I was sitting on when I held Sage for the last time. It sounds insane but I did not want to remember the couch. 

Budgeting and taking care of the bills. I stopped. Spencer has been in charge. We used to sit down together and go over every bill. Not any more. He does it all and he is not that good at it. We have struggled to say the least. I am trying to help him more and more each month. He has even done most of the grocery shopping and sometimes taking all of the kids with him. Sometimes I went with him and just sat in the front of the store while he did the shopping. I am trying to be better.

My house has not been a total dump. It was surface clean but, not deep cleaned in many areas. I laugh to myself when people say you are so strong...I feel weak and broken most days of the week.

Things are slowly getting better. I am no longer the neat freak I used to be. I have let tons of things go. I have learned how to balance my home and my work around the house. I still struggle with getting things done, they get done eventually. All  Heavenly Father asks of us is that we try our best. I can honestly look back over the last 15 months and say I have tried my best.

I have been there for my children every second of the day during their walk through grief and sadness. I have spent countless hours reading scriptures to them and talking about Heaven and the plan. I have ponder over the past 15 months and see that lots of things have gone terribly wrong! I can see that I have done alot of things perfectly right in the sight of God. I know that when I get to Heaven he is not going to judge me for not being able to keep my house spotless. He is going to judge me on so many other things that I did do right all of these many months.

Not to mention I am building a baby girl! She has made me so ill everyday. This pregnancy in itself has been a challenge. Yet I know Heavenly Father is pleased with me and my efforts to try my hardest. Somehow I am learning to function again and run a household. I think I have been a good Mother to my kids in many areas, I am just no longer the Super Mom I used to strive to be.

Crib Recall

Late last night I was blog hopping due to shear boredom and I came across this woman's blog and she was talking about her crib being recalled. I instantly ran to the garage and pulled Sage's crib out of storage. Within minutes I discovered that Sage's crib was one of the cribs being recalled. The cribs are being recalled because they are contributing factors in infant death. The babies are getting stuck in the corner of the crib and suffocating or the crib collapses resulting in death or injury. Spencer found Sage in the corner of the crib...

We have contacted the company and filled out all of the paper work to report his death and register our crib. I actually found the receipt on the crib and more information on the crib. They will come in contact with us within 30 days of us filing out the papers. I don't know what will come from all of this. I guess I just feel better knowing it was not all my fault. It is easier to blame a faulty crib...or something. SIDS is so hard because you have no answer. Sometimes hearing it was just his time...drives you up a wall.

I am pretty sure they will refund us the amount of the crib and it will give us a little bit of closure as to what might have happened to him.