Remembering

I can hardly believe it's been one year since Sage passed away.  You hear from other's how difficult that anniversary can be and then you find out just how hard it is.  Crystal and Spencer spent countless hours discussing how they should spend March 19th and they new that if they stayed home they would be sad and depressed.  So for the sake of their children they chose to take everyone on a trip to California/Disneyland.  The kids were happy that day and it was nice to see smiles on their faces.  William had a more difficult time and he told Crystal how he would think, "Sage would have liked this ride" and he finally concluded that Sage would have liked the Winnie the Pooh ride the best.

For me I didn't expect this huge wave of depression that seemed to envelope me like some toxic cloud.  I would find myself thinking, "Well today was the last day I spent with him last year and we were doing such and such."  Then I would look at the clock and think, "Crystal was putting him to bed for the last time".  We burried him one year ago today and all day long I would tick away the time and remember what we were doing last year.  "I was waiting for his body to arrive at the church or I was watching my daughter tenderly wrap him in a blanket and close the lid to the casket or I would be speaking at his funeral and then finally we would be at his graveside.  It's hard...much harder than I thought.

There is a quote on my blog that reads, "There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child.  Things never get back to the way they were"  ~Dwight D. Eisenhower  This quote is so very true.  Things will never be the same again.  We are forever changed by the life of one little boy and the pain of his absence is felt daily.  We are trying not to be sad but instead to move on with Faith and Happiness.

I have a rock I bought just days after Sage died.  I found it in the garden department at JoAnn's.  It's a rock with the name "Sage" engraved on it.  I nearly always have it with me. It reminds me that Sage is with me always that he is never really far away.  So I started having fun with my little Sage Rock and started photographing it.  We took "Sage" with us on vacation.

Here he is at the beach in Oceanside, California

Disneyland

by the Merri-Go-Round

By the Dumbo Ride

Now to take you back in time...

Here is William with his buddy "Woody"

Will and Wayne with their "Woody"

Woody and Trey

Jayden and Woody's side kick "Jessy"

Jayden Sharing her "Jessy Doll" with Baby Sage

We love Toy Story!  It holds a special place in our family's heart.

We were so excited to see  Woody and Jessy and they were very touched to get to hold "Sage's Rock" on his Angel Day.

The morning of the 19th we had a family prayer and released balloons in Sage's Memory

The next three pictures shows the Love of a brother...William really misses Sage

This past year has not been easy...in fact it has been Hell.  I mean if you think about it Heaven is getting to be with your loved ones so part of Hell must be having to live without them right? 

Crystal is amazing and very strong but she is still hurting and many people just see the "Mask" that she puts on every day so people around her won't be uncomfortable.  She is hurting and even angry and finds it hard to wake up everyday and face another day without her son. 

I questioned the wisdom of our decision to "Vacation" on Sage's Angel Day Anniversary.  Was it hard...YES..Crystal had a complete melt down right there on Main Street at Disneyland waiting for the parade to start.  People walking by wondering why this woman is sitting on the sidewalk in tears.  Or how upset she was at Disneyland Adventure Park.  My heart breaks for her and Spencer everyday. 

But for whatever reason this is a trial their family...our family...has to endure.  We have seen  many changes for the good because of Sage and we try to hang on to those positive changes.

It would be easy to just give into the anger and then I remember our Heavenly Father and the sacrifice he made when he watched his Son, Jesus Christ, suffer and die on the cross for our sins.  I'm sure he had to keep focusing on the good that would come from his sons death too.

What a glorious day it will be when all mothers are reunited with their children...when this Hell will be over and only Peace, Love and Happiness will exhist.

I miss and Love you Sage...Love Grandma

Mommy your Beautiful

My baby Brother Royal is getting married in 2 weeks. I decided that I needed to take some time and take care of myself. I went to the eye Dr. got fitted for new contacts and glasses. I got my hair highlighted and cut. My eyes brows and upper lip waxed. I also bought some new makeup and a new shirt to wear to the Bridal shower. Aunt RaLee painted my toenails.  It felt nice taking care of myself. Spencer watched all of the kids so I could go and have some fun.
When I walked into the house all dolled up, William wrapped his arms around me and started crying. I said honey what is the matter? He said Mom you look so beautiful! You look like the Mommy I used to have before Sage died! I of course started crying. I know that I have not taken care of myself these past 11 months. I have not cared about what I looked like. Spencer and I have been in survival mode. I know that I will never be that same Mommy ever again. But it meant the world to me to have my Son tell me I looked beautiful to him. I felt a ray of hope that maybe some part of the old Crystal is somewhere in there. I  have looked so worn out and tired. I looked on the outside how I was feeling on the inside. I still have a long ways to go before I feel better on the inside, that will take much longer than a good makeover. That part is on the Lord's time.

My Shoes

People always say don’t judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. I think this is so true. I walk past people and I wonder what heartache have they faced in their lifetime? What thing has brought them to their knees? I look at the world so very differently now. I wonder about other peoples stories. I wonder what kind of shoes they are wearing? I have learned  not to judge people, you never know what kind of shoes they might be walking around in. I am thankful for my Savior Jesus Christ, I know that he has walked in all of our shoes and I know he understands the unseen pain that each heart holds. I know that only he understands what it is like to wear my shoes. He was the only one willing to wear them for me.

 

Would you walk in my shoes?

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes,
Uncomfortable shoes,
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that i do not think i can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other’s eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some people are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don’t hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No-one deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger person - apparently.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a parent who has lost a child.

Baby Brothers

I would be lying to you and myself if I said that the 19th of each month is not hard for me. The 17th of the month I think…….he would have been….so many months old today. Then the 19th of the month I have a million more thoughts begin to flood in.
It started with I can’t believe he has been gone for 1 month. Wow one month. Where did the month go? 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 months gone longer than he was here, 9 months, today marks 10 months.
I think to myself I have every right to have  a party in my family’s honor on the 19th of every month! 10 Months closer to being with Sage. 10 months we have stayed strong. 10 months we have held our family together. 10 months of pure gut wrenching heartache, but we are doing the hard things. 10 months of finding out what we really are made of. 10 months of my life that when I get back to Heaven, I know Heavenly Father will hug me and say well done! Today is one of those sad days where the tears find you and you cry.
I came home from car pooling and when I opened the garage door this is what I found! I was like those darn kids…..look at the  mess they made now! Then I started laughing, my kids did not make this MESS they are in school! WHAT THE HEY???? Who did this??? I looked over and saw my Baby Brothers driving away from the scene of the crime! I just sat in my van, tears pouring down my face laughing my butt off!
All the women in my life have been wonderful! Plates of goodies, phone calls, texts, emails, service, and long talks. They have all helped but this…….for some reason, this helped me so much today! I guess even in your darkest hours you do not need to take life so SEROIUS! Sometimes it is okay to laugh and find the humor in the little things!
I am so thankful for my Little Brothers. The day Sage passed away they helped carry me. DJ, was in my bedroom when Sage’s little  Spirit finally left his little body. DJ fought the police that kept interrogating Spencer and me. I know it was his way of trying to help. DJ does not like to talk about Sage at all. I know it is too painful for him.  I know that he loves me and thinks the world of me and my family! The last day of Sages life was spent with Uncle Doy Jay eating at Burger King! I love you Doy Jay!
Royal, he came over almost every night that Spencer worked, those first couple of months afterwards. I had trouble sleeping, he would sit with me until I was finally able to go to sleep. He checked on the kids for me and let me talk about the hard things over and over again. Royal let me cry. Royal made sure Spencer was given a birthday party the day after Sage died. Royal did what I could not do for myself. I love you Royal.
I will never forget  how I felt the last time I saw my Brothers hold Sage’s little body. How careful they were with him. I remember seeing grown boys turn into Men that day. I will forever be grateful for my Baby Brothers.  So many times they have been there for me. So many times they have been the Big Brother and I the Baby Sister.
When it came time to pick pall bearers it was a difficult decision for us. So many Uncles, I knew all of them loved Sage and would be honored. I knew that none of them knew Sage the way Royal and Doy Jay did. Royal and Doy Jay each had changed his diapers, bathed him, carried his car seat for me, and given Sage nicknames. Royal called him “TANK”! Doy Jay called him his little “TATOR SPUD”! So we choose them to carry his casket along with both Grandpas. I stood still with tears swelling, when I saw my Baby Brothers carrying Sages casket. It is a feeling you will never understand until, you see 4 men carrying such a tiny casket and showing so much love and respect for the tiny rider inside. I carried Sage for 9 months, the world held him for 8 months 2 days and my Baby Brothers carried him the rest of the way for me. I will be forever grateful that they did this for me. I wonder if they stop to think they are the last ones that held this tiny perfect little baby boy? I think they do.
So today when my baby brothers rearranged my garage I laughed harder than I ever had and cried harder than I ever had. I am thankful for them and how much they love me! Spencer laughed and cried just as hard! The kids laughed all day long. My family needed a little laughter today!
Camping chairs with mop heads and bike helmets! For some reason I found this so funny!

Bikes up on jacks!

Upside down bikes!


Sages Grandpas and Uncles.



Sage Momma misses you today.

I Will

Music has helped me endure the heartache that this path has taken me on. This song helps me feel like I have the power to determine how I am going to let this trial and tribulation effect me. I am thankful for good uplifting music that helps invite the Spirit into my heart. So today I will choose to be strong and live another day with hope in my heart.

Hilary Weeks has so many songs that will speak to your heart and bring the peace you are searching for. 

 

Remembering Sage today…..

 

One year ago today……

Sage had diaper rash on his little bottom. I layed him on the ground naked so I could air out his bottom. I guess he did not like how the blanket/carpet felt on his sensitive areas so he got up on his hands and knees for the first time!

Spencer and I were so excited for him! He was so proud of himself! I kept shaking my head at him saying “NO NO NO you don’t, your getting to big”! “You are supposed to be my baby”! Well he never did learn how to crawl he just learned to roll and drag himself where he wanted to go.

I remember him army crawling onto the kitchen floor and patting the tile on the floor! He would look up at me and grin! He thought he was being so funny! I remember the day he died Jorgi, a lady in my ward, was sweeping my floors. Then I noticed almost every time a big group of people came to the house, someone would grab the broom and start sweeping. This is what I remember every single time I sweep my kitchen floors. I cry every time I sweep. I remember good times, bad times and the service that people provided for me.  So, if you come over and notice that I need to sweep trust me I don’t need to sweep that bad!

I remember getting ready to go to Sea World he just played in our big formal living room. Every time, I walked by he would lay sideways and just stare at me. Who knew he would die a week later? I wish I had just bent down and picked him up.

So I guess I got my wish….”NO NO NO you don’t, your getting to big”! I wonder how long I will have to wait till I get to see him grow and be a big boy? He is going to be my baby for a very long time.

I Can Only Imagine

I cry every single time I hear this song. I can only imagine what that day will be like when I get to see his little face again. I imagine being at Mesa Cemetery and looking over and seeing Shirrell and Tim holding little Brandon. Becky and Tommy holding beautiful DeLanee. Brenda and Larry embracing Kenny. Kari and Skylar and Debra and Landon and Blades, Cori, and baby Kyndal. I know that there are many more that I look forward to seeing on that day. My heart will burst for them because I know how happy they all are going to be! I want to be there that day!
So yes some days you really do not feel like taking one more step, you want to crawl into a hole and cry but, you can not, you have to keep going. I live so that one day I will be worthy of that day! I can only imagine what that day will be like for all of us! I will be there that day! So today I will get up and move because I will be one day closer to that day! One day closer to seeing all of my tears wiped away and only having pure joy!