The Essay

The morning Sage passed away his Aunt RaLee was there.  She was there when he entered this world and she was there when he passed away.

RaLee comforting Crystal when she was in labor with Sage

Sharing a moment over Sage's Casket



RaLee was 15 years old and a sophomore in high school when Sage died. This experience has touched her life in many ways. Before her freshman year at college, this fall, she went on a trip to California. Where she visited many of the beaches up and down the California coast. Her love of the ocean, coupled with Sage's memory, influenced her first college essay. I was so touched by her words, that I had to share it.

"I stand on the edge of the midnight blue shore paralyzed by the ocean's beauty. The majestic tune of the oceans breeze fills my ears and sends an enchanting feeling down my body. Forever is in my sight, serenity engulfs every inch of me, and at this moment in time, I am at peace. All of a sudden the oceans substance begins to spiral into a dark suffocating hole. The wind joins in by shouting out its fierce chords that anxiously take me into the abyss of darkness.

My eyes fly open and I see a familiar face shouting words to me that I cannot comprehend. I scan the room and notice that the clock reads 8:32 am and I can hear panicked voice's outside my neon green door. My father drags me out of bed and repeats himself three more times. I pull myself together and fixate on the movements of his mouth. Within five seconds my body sinks back into the black hole of my prior dream.

Cold sweats drench my body, my lips begin to quiver, and my heart is pounding through my chest, as if I had just finished running a marathon. My body is immobilized and I cannot move a single muscle. I stand beside my bed as my dad runs to the closet, grabs my shoes and puts them on my feet. I playback the words he has been shouting at me in my head repeatedly. "Sage is dead, Sage is dead. My grandson is dead." I'm steady staring at the porcelain angel on my bedroom dresser and a rush of adrenaline fills my soul and I take off running for the truck.

With my knees pressed hard against my chest, I try hard to focus on the surroundings that fly past me outside my window. Tears fill my eyes and everything becomes a blur. I reach for my chest to retrieve the knife that was plunged into my heart, soon coming to realize that there was no knife there to begin with. It feels as if i had been driving for a lifetime and suddenly we arrive at my sisters' home. My family runs up the giant staircase and makes a dash for the wooden doors at the end of the hall. The door flies open and sunlight drowns my eyesight out back to where everything was only a blur. I search for my sight and my eyes fixate on the fallen angel sprawled out on the floor.

It took all my will to walk towards the baby boy. With each dreaded step I pushed myself to take, two more knives were thrown into my heart. I make it to the fragile angel and without thinking, I fell to my knees. Chaos arises around me and yet my soul and mind are at a standstill. I reach for his hand and grasp onto it lightly. The words, "I Love you Sage," drift out of my mouth and dance into his ear like the ocean's breeze. And at this moment in time, I know he is at peace.

I close my eyes and suddenly I'm standing on the edge of eternity staring into the depths of forever. The crystal blue water sways its graceful dance with the touch of the sweet chimes of the breeze. A gust of wind fills my soul and wraps around my body like a warm embrace that I have missed dearly. I glance up at the sky and a tear races down my cheek and crashes into the white sand. Gusts of wind circle around me and the words, "I love you Sage," part from my mouth and begin dancing away with the breeze to the Heavens above."

By, Aunt RaLee Jewel Reidhead

Laundry

Crystal wrote this and shared it in her support group forum. I thought it was worth sharing with you.

On Doing laundry:

Will, Wayne, Trey, Jayden, Sage , and Ellie...piles of clothes. Only Sages pile is missing. I fold the clothes and look at the line up and my heart hurts because he should have a pile.

 I wonder what Sages favorite shirt would be? How dirty would his socks be? Or would he like flip flops? Would he prefer shorts? He would be potty trained by now so I wonder what under ware would he pick out? I would give anything to wash a pair of muddy jeans because he had played in the water hose with his brothers. This is what I think about while doing laundry.

I miss my son.

 

 

 

"If I Had One Wish, It Would Be..."

Wayne, Sage's (now 9-year old) brother, took his turn at being Student of the week in his fourth grade class. Each day of the week the teacher would spot-light something special about Wayne. One day he shared his favorite toy, another his favorite foods and hobby, he shared photo's of his family and of himself as a baby, and finally he had to answer the question, "If I had one wish, what would it be?"

When Crystal asked Wayne about what his "one wish" would be, without hesitation, he answered, "I would want my baby brother Sage back again." She gently tried to convince him to pick a different wish, explaining to him that, while wanting his baby brother back is a wonderful wish, it might make others feel uncomfortable. Wayne stood his ground and was firm in his decision. So on Friday, armed with an 8 X 10 picture of his baby brother, Wayne went to school.

Crystal and I anxiously waited for him to come home so he could share how his day went. He said that he stood in front of the class and said, "If I had one wish, I would wish that my baby brother Sage did not die. This is my brother, his name is Sage and he died in his crib. I miss him and I love him and I wish he was alive, if I had one wish I would wish that he didn't die."

Well we could only imagine what his teacher and his class mates were thinking, but for Crystal and I we, were both proud and heart broken for this sensitive little boy, who misses his baby brother. Wayne told us that the kids all asked questions about Sage and that he liked answering all of them. They asked how, where and when he died and Wayne handled all of them like a champ. We asked him what the kids said to him about his brother and he said they were sorry and sad for him. Then he told us something that melted our heart. One of those things that reminds you that despite the sadness and grief of losing a child there are lessons to be learned on this journey. He told us of a boy in his class, that he had never spoken to before. He said that this boy never really talked to anybody and that he kept to himself. During recess this young boy said to Wayne, "I didn't know your brother died. I'm sorry that must be sad. My dad is in the war, he is far away and I worry everyday that he will die." Wayne said, that he told him that was sad and that he felt bad for him and that he would be scared too if his daddy was in the war. Since that day the two have become friends.

It's amazing the blessings that have come to us and to others since Sage's passing. We could have forced Wayne to choose another wish, one that would have made other's more "comfortable", but because we didn't, "Waynes wish" touched the heart of a grieving class mate and helped him deal with his fear of losing his father.

If we were honest with ourselves, I think each of us who have suffered the loss of a loved one, has had the same wish as Wayne. Even if we only wished to have that person back for a few minutes, to hug them, see their smile, hear their voice, and to have the opportunity to tell them that we love them one more time, or even to have the chance to tell them goodbye. Many times I have found myself looking at a picture of Sage or my mother, or even one of my babies and wished that I could step into that photo and love on them one more time. Thankfully, because of the Gospel, we know that by obeying the commandments, and because of Christ's sacrifice, love and grace, that we will have that opportunity to be with our loved ones again. I shudder to think how dark this journey would be without having the hope of eternal life.

The Unexpected

On Christmas Eve RaLee was suddenly desperate to leave the house just as our family party was about to begin. She insisted, with much desperation, that she had some last minute shopping that she had to do. So with a promis to be safe and hurry home she went shopping. A short time later there was a knock on the door. Crystal answered and there stood RaLee, with a huge smile on her face, she said, "These are from Sage" as she handed Crystal a boquet of poinsettia's, complete with a "JOY" ornament.

We had a wonderful time Christmas Eve and were so very blessed to have family, home, food, and the spirit of Christ in our home.

Sage's Brothers and Sisters in their "Christmas Eve Pajamas"

Christmas morning as the children were looking in their stockings, Jayden looked back at the wall where Sage's stocking hung empty and asked, "Mom why didn't Santa Claus leave something in Sage's stocking? Is it because he's dead?"

It's moments like these, the sudden and unexpected ones, that tug at your heart strings and make us miss Sage so much. I know we have said it before, but time does not heal your wounds nor does it take away the pain, you just learn to live with the scars.

Miss Ellie opening her stocking

Joy



When we were trying to decide what to put on Sage's headstone everyone in the family wrote down one word that they would use to describe Sage. After many months of consideration the word that everyone agreed upon was "JOY". Sage was such a beautiful and happy baby, who was quick to smile and had the most infectous giggle, simply put, Sage brought nothing but "JOY" into our lives.

As we celebrate the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ we are comforted in knowing that because of Christ's gift to us, we can be with our loved ones for all eternity. This knowledge fills our hearts with Joy, Peace, and Hope for the future.

The Christmas after Sage passed away we put up a tree in his honor. Every year we add new "Joy" ornaments to Sage's tree.

 This year as we visited family and friends at the cemetary we decided to bring a message of "Joy" as a reminder that one day the sting of the grave will be replaced with pure Joy when we are reunited with our loved ones.

My Mother, Sage's Great Grandmother, Francine Jewell Jordan

John R. Jordan

Charlie Jordan

Eddie Jordan

Ted Jordan

Baby, Kathy Allison Jordan

Cori and Blades White's, daughter Kyndal, who was born sleeping.

Robbie Penrod

DeLanney Norris, infant daughter of Tommy and Becky Norris

Her parents founded "Laney's Legacy" in their daughters memory.

Sweet Little Brandon Allen

Kenny Eldredge, Spencer's little brother and Sage's Uncle.

Spencer(below) decorating his little brother's grave.

Kenny was such a handsome young man.

And finally, Sage...

Brothers

Sister, Jayden

Sage's mom- Crystal

Sage's Family, unfortunately Ellie Mae was sick and couldn't be there.

It is hard to believe that so many of our family and friends have passed away. It is difficult to deal with so much loss, especially when so many of them were children and young adults. Instead of falling into the depth's of despair we are choosing to find "Joy" in the knowledge that because of our Savior we can be together forever.

This knowledge brings us peace and fills our hearts with Joy.

We pray that all of you can find the Joy that is there for each of us, a gift from our Heavenly Father. May each of you have a "Joy" filled Holiday Season.

Family Pictures

My Dear Little Man,

Grandma and Aunt Jessy have been gently urging me to share my feelings. I learned rather quickly who I felt I could share my pain and grief with. I understood that my Mother would listen to me and be there for me any time of the day or night. Mom has always been here for me. I love my Mother. Mom cried with me and has allowed me show my sadness and be myself.

My Dad on the other hand was different. I knew before Sage died that crying and grieving was, in his eyes, was for the weak and cry babies. I never once talked to my Dad about Sage or how his death upset me. I tried to be strong around my Dad. I held back the tears and put on my "I don't give a damn" face. A poker face around my Dad. I did good at acting like I was tough because, after all, that is how Dad raised and expected me to be.

Last September...(the very last time my Dad stepped foot in my home) he came in and sat down. We had a casual conversation about the weather and stuff.  Then my Dad looked at me and said. "Aren't you glad that BOY of yours Died! You would be really busy if he was here!" I just looked at my Dad in disbelief that he had even uttered such words to me! I looked right at him and said "Yes Dad I am so glad that BOY of mine DIED now Spencer and I do not have to buy him Christmas presents this year! I am also thankful that I do not have to buy him any diapers! Think about all the money we are saving with him gone!!!!!" Dad looked at me and said "you will hate me for saying this but its true! My Aunts lost babies and they did not cry over those kids! You need to get over it already! You live at the graveyard and that is not right!!!!!"

I sat on my living room floor the rest of the day...wondering if my Dad had really uttered such crap to me!!!! I thought about it over and over!!!! I thought I had been handling this trial so well! I thought I was doing good! I know that over the past 2 years I have been to the GRAVEYARD maybe 5 times at the most!!! I did not feel that I lived there!!! I was shocked that my Dad said all of these things to me!

2 days later....My Mom called me at 11:30 at night in tears. She said your Dad just left me! He said that he wanted out! He did not like his kids and he wanted out of the family! ------Long story short------Dad left my Mom after 32 years of marriage for a 39 year old White trash Hoe! Her name is Jen and let me tell you she is a piece of work to say the least! I think she is super classy! HERE is the CLINCHER JEN has an 8 year old Daughter.....any guesses as to what the little girls name MIGHT BE???? If you guessed SAGE you are right!!!! Yes my Dads girlfriends daughters name is SAGE!! Weird, creepy, BIG red FLAG! You be the judge of that one!

Anyways, my family has been through so much since last October! I am happy to report that we are all doing great! Mom is happy! We are all happy! Doing well! Even though my Dad is lost! Lost is the only word to describe him! I pity him! I pray for him! Like I said Long story short! My Dad has been a TERRIBLE Dad my entire life! He was extremely physically and verbally abusive! Through all of his faults I always loved my Dad and tried to live my life so that one day he could look at me and tell me that he was proud of me! I learned, however, that NO matter how hard I have tried to please him, I will never be enough and neither will my family! I learned that it is okay! I am a good person and I know that my Heavenly Father loves me! I know that he is proud of me and that is all that matters! As for my Dad...well He was right I do hate him for all that he said! I Have learned to let go of the HATE but the damage is done! I am willing to let him go! This past March we took Family Pictures. Family Pictures missing our little Man Sage and Missing my Dad. I know that all will be well. The Atonement will Continue to heal our family and make us stronger than we have ever been! We are still standing and smiling! Endure to end!

Dear Sage,

     Hi sweetheart it's Grandma Liz. I wanted you to know that we haven't forgotten about you, in fact quite the opposite is true, we think about you everyday. Your brothers and sister Jayden talk about you often. You are so loved and missed.
     As you know the family has been through some difficult times lately. I know you were aware of us because I have felt your presence in some of my darkest hours. I could feel you gently urging me to "endure to the end" and to have faith. I promised you that I would live my life so I will be found worthy to be with you again and that's what I'm striving for.
    Your baby sister was born and I believe she talks to you. She will look off into the distance and babble away and then break into giggles. Sometimes she keeps your mommy awake for hours but she doesn't seem to mind because she loves watching her chat and coo at the ceiling. It comforts her because she is certain that Ellie's innocent eyes can see what she can not....you.

Ellie and I on her blessing day

     Grandma had a hard time sewing Ellie's blessing gown. I kept thinking about how hard it was to sew your burial clothes. There were touches of Sage green in your clothing so I decided to embroidery flowers down the front of Ellie's gown and add some Sage green leaves in your memory.
     I can't believe that your Angel Day will be here in just 1 short week. I have noticed a shift in the family's mood as the 19th of March approaches. We have become more somber and reflective. Each of us have talked about the last time we saw or held you and we can't help but wonder what it would be like if you were still here.
     Your mom and dad are laughing more and your mommy is starting to feel parts of her "old self" returning. I'm so happy to see this and I know it is in part to your baby Sister Ellie. But I also know that the memory of you and the promise of being with you again keeps her moving forward. 

When I look at your baby sister I am reminded of you.  I think the two of you look alike!

     Little man please know that we are all thinking about you. I know that mommy hasn't written in your blog but that doesn't mean she has forgotten. Somebody very close to her said some very harsh words that made her feel that sharing her feelings about missing you was a bad thing. Don't worry I'm sure she will find her way back. It's all just part of this journey she has been on. Learning to live without you has not been an easy thing to do. I think it was James E. Faust that said something like, "The love of a mother is the closest thing that we can come to on this earth that even begins to compare to the love our Savior has for us." and your mommy definitely loves you.
     I will close for now.  I know you will be with us as we celebrate and remember you on your 2nd Angel Day.  May God continue to watch over and keep you until we meet again.

Missing and Always Loving you,
Grandma Liz

William

The minute William was born I looked down at my brand new baby boy and I sorta laughed. He looked like a wise little old man. He was adorable and I loved him dearly but I will always remember thinking he was an old soul...

William is very lovely and kind in all he does. He always gives hugs and loves to me. He will rub your arm and just want to cuddle everyday. He gets upset if an animal is killed on the road and he hates watching the news because it makes him so sad to hear about all the terrible stuff that people do to each other.

These past 2 weeks during the night William keeps coming into my room in the middle of the night to "CHECK on ME". He keeps having terrible nightmares that something happens to me and the baby. He dreams that he has to call 911, Dad, and Grandma. He is terrified that I will be all alone and need help and he will not hear me. Last night I told him he could get in bed with me, he told me that he was going to sit in the rocking chair next to me so he could stay awake. I looked over and he was sound asleep after 30 minutes. I moved him to my bed. He also is terrified that he does not know CPR or that he will have to perform CPR on me. I had to sit and explain to him why he is worried and how Sages death has affected him. I keep reasuring him that Momma and baby will be fine. That everything will be okay. He worries on the nights that Spencer is at work and he is the MAN of the house! I taught him how to use my phone just in case, hoping this would calm his fears. He wants to learn CPR....

I feel terrible that my 9 year old is traumatized. I do not think any 8 year old should have to see his Dad perform CPR and see his entire house fill up with fire fighters and police. It scared him so bad. It breaks my heart that he is so worried that he comes in to check on me at night.

I told him that he could sleep in my room when it gets closer to baby coming so he could help me if I needed it. I told him Grandma might come while Daddy is at work. I think I told him anything and everything he wanted to hear just to help calm his fears.

I also talked to him about needing to have faith that all will be well. That we have to try really hard not to live in fear and try to focus on being happy and not scared. Heavenly Father will take care of us and nothing bad will happen. If something bad does happen then we will deal with it when it comes. We have said many prayers in the middle of night...hoping that he can feel the Spirit and be able to feel calm and at peace with things.

Getting Closer....

Today my eyes have been moist with tears most of the day. I keep blinking and wiping my eyes to hold back the flood that wants to come. Grief is strange. I have realized it comes and goes as it pleases and most of the time it is sneaky and you have no idea it is coming to find you. I know that my hormones are all over the place due to being 4-3 weeks from having a baby. So I try to not be so hard on myself.

We are getting so excited for the arrival of our new baby girl. All of us are waiting patiently and watching the calendar with so much excitement. With the due date getting the closer the higher my fears seem to get. I no longer live in a bubble that babies live and that they always get to come home with Ma and Pa. I know more than ever things can go wrong instantly and nothing is set in stone. I hate hearing lighting can not strike twice. I hate to be a negative Nancy but yes...lighting and thunder and horrible things can happen twice to a family. SO as we wait for her arrival we HOPE for the best and secretly pray that we avoid the worse.

I joke that they might just have to knock me out to have the baby because I honestly think I am going to loose it as soon as she is out, safe, healthy, and all wrapped up and placed in my arms. I think I might need oxygen or something because I can only imagine the emotions I might have when she is born.

One thing that has been weighing on my mind is the moment the other children are introduced to their new sibling. I know that it is going to be another roller coaster of emotions. I will miss Sage so much more at that moment. A moment when as a Mother you feel your entire family should all be together. To be able to watch each of the kids reactions to the new baby. To take your first official family photo. To know that one is missing is so hard to grasp and come to terms with. I know he will be there in spirit and he will see everything....but we won't see everything....we will not see the entire picture until later. I know that this is Gods plan for me and my family. I sorta wish it did not have to hurt so much most of the time.

So once again I find myself praying that somehow we make it through the hard times and the happy and focus on the positive and the Eternal side of everything...sometimes that gets extremely difficult. Sometimes you want to take a cue from your little ones...lay down on the floor and kick, scream and cry until you hopefully get your way! I have learned all the tears in world are not going to change nothing...so you keep going whether you like it or not.

I pray that I can just enjoy the last few weeks of pregnancy and have a stronger Faith than I have ever had before...

Treys Memory

Tonight at dinner Trey said Mom I want to talk about Sage tonight, I said  Honey you can talk about Sage anytime you want. Mommy loves to talk about Sage. Then all of the kids started talking about Sage and the memories they each hold dear to their hearts. Wayne remembers how happy he was all of the time. William remembers how he loved his hair. Jayden does not remember much...except that we will be together again someday.
Treys Memory was one that I had forgotten...I was so happy Trey remembered it and wanted to share it with me! Sage army crawled over to the fridge and kept patting the door. Trey opened the door and grabbed the big jar of apple sauce. Trey dumped it all over the floor in front of Sage. I walked in the kitchen a few minutes later and found Sage covered in apple sauce and happy as can be!  I forgot Trey and Sage had gotten into such a mess. As soon as Trey started talking I remembered.
I used to get all upset when my kids made huge messes. Now I look around and think well at least they are here to make messes. A mess is proof that my children are alive and that to me means more than any clean freshly mopped kitchen floor!

Jayden and baby sister.

Spencer, Jayden, and I went to my 29 week ultra sound/appointment. Jayden sat on the table next to me and kept giving me hugs and loves during the entire ultra sound. She was in awe of her new baby sister in my belly and kept saying how cute she was. She laughed every time the baby moved. During the ultra sound Jayden looked at me and said MOM....that is not Sage in your tummy....When is Sage being Born again....then she kept repeating over and over again....SAGE IS DEAD MOM? The ultra sound tech lifted the Doppler off my tummy and just began bawling  her eyes out. I turned on my side and talked to Jayden about Sage and where he is. I explained that this baby is not Sage and that he will come back later when Jesus comes. It took about 10 minutes to explain things Jayden. I rolled back on my back and the ultra sound tech had tears still rolling down her face. She turned the machine to 3D ultrasound and showed us the baby from every angle possible. She was so nervous and upset that she was literally digging the doppler into my tummy. It hurt so bad. Finally she said is there anything else you want to see? No my belly was hurting! When I got up and was heading out the door she patted me on the back and told me I was an amazing Mother. It made me tear up.
Grief is difficult...you never know when the waves will come crashing down around you. Spencer and me where doing fine and enjoying the moment. When grief struck Jayden. It is moments like these that are difficult for me. It is hard to explain to a 3 year that her baby brother died. It makes no sense to her. I pray that this new baby will help all of my children heal. I am thankful she is a girl so the little ones will see her differently than they saw Sage. Bows and Dresses!

Baby girl is healthy and strong. She is weighing almost 4 pounds give or take a few ounces. Judging from the pictures she looks on the chunky side to me. She is very active and we all look forward to her arrival. A baby that I can love and cuddle on daily and I do not have to give back to the Mother it belongs to. She will belong to me!

Humpty Dumpty

The Atonement of Jesus Christ is one full circle. It not only covers our sins and transgressions but, Jesus also suffered for our sicknesses, grief, trials, afflictions, and mental and emotional illnesses. I cling to the Atonement on a daily basis. This past week has been hard on me. I feel like everything in my life is crashing down around me. I have found myself crying alot and just praying as hard as I can. I keep telling myself to have just a little bit more Faith than I did the day before! The only thing staying together is my little family! The only thing that really matters at the end of each day! I am thankful that Spencer and I are standing shoulder to shoulder dealing with everything together!

I found this little nursery rhyme from a church talk and it has stuck with me this past week. I keep repeating it over and over in my head!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty  had a great fall

All the King's horses and all the King's men

Couldn't put Humpty together again.....

BUT!!!! the KING could! the KING can, and the KING will! 

Like I said I need to have a little more Faith that somehow, someway through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I will be healed maybe not fully in this lifetime but one day!

Functioning.....

Slowly but surely things are getting done...somehow. People always say if this happened to me...I would not be able to function. Guess what folks I was not functioning. So many things did not get done that needed to be done.

I love having family dinner. It has been a long time since I have actually had the desire to cook for my family. For a long time after Sage moved on we literally ate fast food for every dinner. Some nights I would load the kids up and call my Mom and tell her we were on our way and we where hungry. None of us felt like cooking. If we had a home cooked meal it was a rare occasion. Sister Jones in my ward wanted to bring a meal into us she kept saying I know it has been 5 months since Sage passed away but, I wanted to do this. I cried it had been a long time since we had a home cooked dinner. We got to a point that we just got sick and tired of fast food. It was making us ill and even the kids had enough of the nasty food. Spencer started cooking first, when he was home from work. The other nights, I cooked little things and ordered pizza. It has been about a month or two and I can honestly say we are cooking almost everyday. I have been cooking dinner and it feels good.

I would go in and pick up the kids rooms and vacuum. One day after I was done cleaning, I walked back into the rooms and they stunk. I could not figure out why the room smelled funny. It dawned on me. I had not washed a sheet...pillow case...or comforter in almost 8 months. Their blankets sorta peeled off their beds. I cried so hard. I felt like such a failure. I was disgusted and mad.

My room..yah that was a joke and still is. Sage technically died in his crib...I never saw him in his crib. I heard Spencer screaming bloody murder...that Sage was dead. Before I could even crawl out of the covers, Spencer had carried him into my room. So to me he died in my room at the foot of my bed. It was my room that I saw Spencer work so hard to save Sage. It was my room that his Spirit finally stopped trying to stay and he left. It was in my room that detectives surrounded his little body. To say the least my room hardly ever gets cleaned. I have tried and I make every one help me. I clean the bathroom. The room hardly gets touched. I tried to go in there and paint it and rearrange and make it look different...the fact remains...my brain will not let go of any of those memories. I am scared to walk in the room if it is dark. I just have a difficult time in there. So it goes months at a time not being touched.

The microwave and stove had not been touched in almost 11 months. My Mom came over one day and cleaned them. I was so grateful for the help.

My carpets started to look really nasty. They are only 2 years old at the time and they looked horrid. My sister Amanda has come over twice to shampoo and clean them for me.

My sister RaLee has done a million clean up jobs around the house and baby sitting jobs. I will forever be grateful for her and her service to my family.

Laundry that has been a joke and is still a joke. I try and we have never gone completely naked yet but, sometimes it looks a little ify! For the first 5 months I never washed a load of soaks I just bought new packages for Spencer and the boys every 2 weeks. One day I discovered almost 5-6 big baskets of dirty soaks in my closet. We missed almost 3 weeks of church because I could not find the kids church clothes. It was too over whelming. My Mom came over many times and just did the laundry.

My refrigerator....hahaha....in 1 year it had not been touched. It took us almost 6 hours one afternoon to clean and scrub that thing out. All of us including the kids just kept opening the doors to look inside to see and smell it!

The garage! The beast...it is finally clean after four weeks of cleaning it 3 times a week!

The inside of my mini van yah it is still a joke. I get so embarrassed.

I spent many days all day moving my identical couches all over the living room. I needed to forget what couch I was sitting on when I held Sage for the last time. It sounds insane but I did not want to remember the couch. 

Budgeting and taking care of the bills. I stopped. Spencer has been in charge. We used to sit down together and go over every bill. Not any more. He does it all and he is not that good at it. We have struggled to say the least. I am trying to help him more and more each month. He has even done most of the grocery shopping and sometimes taking all of the kids with him. Sometimes I went with him and just sat in the front of the store while he did the shopping. I am trying to be better.

My house has not been a total dump. It was surface clean but, not deep cleaned in many areas. I laugh to myself when people say you are so strong...I feel weak and broken most days of the week.

Things are slowly getting better. I am no longer the neat freak I used to be. I have let tons of things go. I have learned how to balance my home and my work around the house. I still struggle with getting things done, they get done eventually. All  Heavenly Father asks of us is that we try our best. I can honestly look back over the last 15 months and say I have tried my best.

I have been there for my children every second of the day during their walk through grief and sadness. I have spent countless hours reading scriptures to them and talking about Heaven and the plan. I have ponder over the past 15 months and see that lots of things have gone terribly wrong! I can see that I have done alot of things perfectly right in the sight of God. I know that when I get to Heaven he is not going to judge me for not being able to keep my house spotless. He is going to judge me on so many other things that I did do right all of these many months.

Not to mention I am building a baby girl! She has made me so ill everyday. This pregnancy in itself has been a challenge. Yet I know Heavenly Father is pleased with me and my efforts to try my hardest. Somehow I am learning to function again and run a household. I think I have been a good Mother to my kids in many areas, I am just no longer the Super Mom I used to strive to be.

Crib Recall

Late last night I was blog hopping due to shear boredom and I came across this woman's blog and she was talking about her crib being recalled. I instantly ran to the garage and pulled Sage's crib out of storage. Within minutes I discovered that Sage's crib was one of the cribs being recalled. The cribs are being recalled because they are contributing factors in infant death. The babies are getting stuck in the corner of the crib and suffocating or the crib collapses resulting in death or injury. Spencer found Sage in the corner of the crib...

We have contacted the company and filled out all of the paper work to report his death and register our crib. I actually found the receipt on the crib and more information on the crib. They will come in contact with us within 30 days of us filing out the papers. I don't know what will come from all of this. I guess I just feel better knowing it was not all my fault. It is easier to blame a faulty crib...or something. SIDS is so hard because you have no answer. Sometimes hearing it was just his time...drives you up a wall.

I am pretty sure they will refund us the amount of the crib and it will give us a little bit of closure as to what might have happened to him. 

Priceless Loans...

Elder H. Burke Peterson said: " Mother is a child's lifeline. Children are not a gift to us, but a precious loan, a priceless loan to be returned---returned more valuable than when we received them.......The charge is ours to increase their worth.......(God created you to learn to be a good Mother---an Eternal Mother. It is your first and foremost calling.")

I have read this quote over and over again today. I think about Sage and I know I was his lifeline. I woke up that morning looking for him and wanting to nurse him. I did my best at making sure I kept my breast milk clean and pure. I made sure almost all of his baby food was handmade. I nourished his body in and out of the womb. I can honestly say I did my best to take care of his body and my body.

A priceless loan to be returned---returned more valuable than when we received them! I have spent a long time thinking about Sages life. I convinced myself that he was called home because I was an awful Mother. I beat myself up for every mistake I had ever made. If only I had tried harder or done a better job being a Mother to 5 children. Maybe just maybe he could have stayed. I thought Heavenly Father was not proud of me or my Mothering abilities. I was scared to get pregnant again because, I just knew I was a terrible Mother.Why would he loan me another special Spirit? When he just came and took one home.

The more I have pondered this quote the clearer its message rang in my ears. Sage was a priceless loan to be returned-----returned  more valuable than when Sage came to me. Looking back over his short life I can know that I did the best job I could do. That night when I lay him down to sleep. Sage was freshly bathed, fully nourished, clean pj's, spotless room, played with, tickled and completely loved. Every, night for 8 months and 2 days I layed him down to sleep the same way. Everyday, I tried my hardest to be the best Mom I could be. I took him to church, read him scriptures, and gave him my whole heart.

I truly believe that when he was called back home to his Heavenly home his mission was complete. I realize that I did send him home more valuable than when I received him. That is all Heavenly Father asked of me. I fulfilled my first calling to be a good Mother---I will stay and prepare myself to fulfill the rest of my calling to be his Eternal Mother. Sage is waiting and looking forward to that day as much as I am. I am going to try to no longer feel guilty that  this was my fault. I did my best.

Somehow...

 It is difficult to see my other children grow up. The pictures on the wall do not represent the children that I now have in my home. We are all different...we are all older...
our life is moving on...this change breaks my heart. Soon another baby picture will be on the wall and her picture will grow and change...his will stay frozen in time.  I wonder about the millennium how will it be?  It will be perfect I am told. I know Sage will be given back to me. I know I will have him again the same way I layed him down...I have no doubt about this. This gives me so much peace and comfort. I know the other kids will be their but, like I said they are older, they will be older. I do not know how Heavenly Father is going to make this feeling go away. The feeling of missing out on raising Sage with these brothers and sisters. Running around this house, making noise and messes. I know Sage watches over us and sees our lives but the fact remains...these kids are growing up without Sage in the physical sense. All I know is there is a plan. Heavenly Father has promised that all will be right in the end. I feel like all of us are missing out on so much. I have to keep the faith...somehow the end will be better than the beginning. In the grand scheme of things none of the things we are missing will matter? I hope so...I really hope so...I have to tell myself this daily...when it is all said and done...everything will be just fine. I guess it does not matter if I do not have all the answers right now...Heavenly Father already hammered out the details long ago... So even though I don't understand and see everything...I will go and do what my Father has commanded me to do...I will continue to move forward knowing that somehow someway all of this will be okay in the end. I cling to the Atonement of Jesus, it is my rod of iron. It is perfect and the love he has for me is perfect so in the end things will work out perfectly.

Due...

A big part of me wants to talk about, how after 14 months...it still hurts...it still takes everything you have every day to get up and live and choose to handle things the way Heavenly Father wants you to handle it. I want to talk about that but I won't, instead I want to make you laugh...because sometimes we all need to just laugh no matter how crappy things might be!
Remember I said I found some pictures of Sage on an old cell phone? Well I found some of me pregnant with Sage. Sage was due on July 13, 2008 and he decided he had other plans he did not come until the 17th of July. He was going to stay in there as long as he could! I kept going  into labor then it would stop and I would cry. This went on for weeks. I was at my wits end...I was pregnant in the middle of July...living in the Valley of the Sun! I was done being pregnant! I started going to the chiropractor a few weeks before he was born. I feel that they really help get your body in line and your delivery goes smoother. My chiropractor would work on me and the next day I would show up more pregnant than I was the day before. He told me about some lady in his complex that could hook me up to a machine, that would put me into labor. I called her and made my appointment for the next day! I really had no idea what this woman was going to do but, like I said I was done and desperate! The lady got busy hooking me up to her machines! All Spencer could do was stand at the door way hands on his knees laughing hysterically at me! I was getting so mad at him! After, he took a few cell phones pics of me, the lady kicked him out of the office! I could hear him laughing all the way outside! My Mom did not laugh at me...she has had 6 babies, she knows how desperate you get! Well I walked out of the office in labor...I showed up at the hospital the next morning in labor! I have no idea if this worked but who cares Sage finally came! I wonder what he thinks when he looks back on this part of his life!

New Pictures!

A few days ago Spencer's cell phone broke. Today he dug through the junk drawer to find his old phone. When he hooked it up to the computer, I discovered almost 10-15 "NEW" pictures of Sage on the old phone. I just sat and cried as I looked at each picture. Every time I clicked to the next picture, my heart would just race wondering if he would be in the next photo. I was so happy and felt so blessed today. I have sat and looked at the pictures over and over again today. I will always be thankful for this tender mercy. I know the Lord watches over us daily he knows what we need when we really need it. I pray everyday that I will always live my life worthy of such tender mercy's and blessings from the Lord. Missing my little boy today...and everyday. His perfect little lips and nose...look at those big brown eyes! I sure do miss my little Sagebrush.

Little Treasure

The past few weeks I have been trying to remember every detail I can remember of Sage and our short time together. I remembered that 1 1/2 weeks before he died  Uncle DJ and I took all five kids to Hobby Lobby. I needed to find the perfect baby shower invites for Amanda's little Izzy.  I recall just laughing at DJ trying to watch all 5 kids while I shopped around.  I heard him hauler at a kid every know and again...saying..."Don't touch that!" or "You need to go pee again?"  "Lets go see if your Mom is done yet!"  "Get back over here and stay with the group!" I giggled and enjoyed my alone time in Hobby Lobby!  I look over and here comes Uncle DJ with all five kids in tow and each kid had a little goodie/toy.  DJ said it was the only thing that kept all of them happy!  He said, "We are buying them and that was that!" I laughed because DJ looked so desperate to keep them all quite and he finally did it! I do not remember anything about what toys the other kids got.  I just remember looking down at Sage he was holding his little rattle in his hand shaking it and laughing so hard!  Sage loved his little rattle and I thought he looked so adorable sitting in his Dinosaur car seat holding his little toy from Uncle DJ.

Well  like I said, I have not gone through any of Sages things up until the past few weeks.  It is just to difficult for me.  I have been thinking about the last days of his life and what we did together.  I remember Hobby Lobby and I remembered the little rattle.  I thought it was long gone by now and never thought I would see it again.  I never even bothered to look for the 25 cent plastic rattle.  Today, I went to Sages closet to find a diaper stacker that was Williams when he was a baby and out fell Sages little toy rattle from Hobby Lobby.

I picked it up and just cried.   I had found the rattle...or the rattle found me.  I like to think of it as a little Mothers Day present from Sage.  I had told no one about the rattle and that I wished I had it.  To me it means the world.  One more tangible reminder that he was here with our family.  One more memory that I have to hold on to.