For me I didn't expect this huge wave of depression that seemed to envelope me like some toxic cloud. I would find myself thinking, "Well today was the last day I spent with him last year and we were doing such and such." Then I would look at the clock and think, "Crystal was putting him to bed for the last time". We burried him one year ago today and all day long I would tick away the time and remember what we were doing last year. "I was waiting for his body to arrive at the church or I was watching my daughter tenderly wrap him in a blanket and close the lid to the casket or I would be speaking at his funeral and then finally we would be at his graveside. It's hard...much harder than I thought.
There is a quote on my blog that reads, "There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were" ~Dwight D. Eisenhower This quote is so very true. Things will never be the same again. We are forever changed by the life of one little boy and the pain of his absence is felt daily. We are trying not to be sad but instead to move on with Faith and Happiness.
I have a rock I bought just days after Sage died. I found it in the garden department at JoAnn's. It's a rock with the name "Sage" engraved on it. I nearly always have it with me. It reminds me that Sage is with me always that he is never really far away. So I started having fun with my little Sage Rock and started photographing it. We took "Sage" with us on vacation.
Here he is at the beach in Oceanside, California
Disneyland
by the Merri-Go-Round
By the Dumbo Ride
Now to take you back in time...
Here is William with his buddy "Woody"
Will and Wayne with their "Woody"
Woody and Trey
Jayden and Woody's side kick "Jessy"
Jayden Sharing her "Jessy Doll" with Baby Sage
We love Toy Story! It holds a special place in our family's heart.
We were so excited to see Woody and Jessy and they were very touched to get to hold "Sage's Rock" on his Angel Day.
The morning of the 19th we had a family prayer and released balloons in Sage's Memory
The next three pictures shows the Love of a brother...William really misses Sage
This past year has not been easy...in fact it has been Hell. I mean if you think about it Heaven is getting to be with your loved ones so part of Hell must be having to live without them right?
Crystal is amazing and very strong but she is still hurting and many people just see the "Mask" that she puts on every day so people around her won't be uncomfortable. She is hurting and even angry and finds it hard to wake up everyday and face another day without her son.
I questioned the wisdom of our decision to "Vacation" on Sage's Angel Day Anniversary. Was it hard...YES..Crystal had a complete melt down right there on Main Street at Disneyland waiting for the parade to start. People walking by wondering why this woman is sitting on the sidewalk in tears. Or how upset she was at Disneyland Adventure Park. My heart breaks for her and Spencer everyday.
But for whatever reason this is a trial their family...our family...has to endure. We have seen many changes for the good because of Sage and we try to hang on to those positive changes.
It would be easy to just give into the anger and then I remember our Heavenly Father and the sacrifice he made when he watched his Son, Jesus Christ, suffer and die on the cross for our sins. I'm sure he had to keep focusing on the good that would come from his sons death too.
What a glorious day it will be when all mothers are reunited with their children...when this Hell will be over and only Peace, Love and Happiness will exhist.
I miss and Love you Sage...Love Grandma
