Selfishness

Dear Sage,
I do not know how else to say this…I am struggling more and more each day. You think the first couple of  months would be the hardest but, for me they were the easiest.
Like I said, I am struggling right now. I am the type of person that would give you the shirt right off of my back. I can think of numerous times in my life where I did just that…..gave all I could give of myself, my time, energy, talents and wealth. I even donated my hair to locks of love. The very act of carrying a baby is selfless. You give up everything to be a mother. I am not trying to toot my own horn but, I did and still do all of these things because I love it! I love doing things for other people because, I love to see the happiness it brings to their life! I have always considered myself an unselfish person. I truly feel that most of the worlds problems are based around selfishness. Most people love themselve's more than anything or anyone else.
Much to my dismay I have discovered that I am a very selfish person. My Heavenly Father has showed me one of my many weaknesses. Selfishly I want you here on earth with our family. I want to hold you and love you. I know deep down inside that it was your time to go. Selfishly, I do not care, I want you here. Selfishly I do not care that you are in Heaven and things are perfect. I would selfishly keep you here not for your good but I would keep you here for me. Selfishly, I would keep you here for my own happiness and not yours. I sound like the worlds worst mother.
If my Heavenly Father came down and gave me a choice to let you stay with him in Heaven or come back home to us here on earth. I know deep down I would let you stay where you are……………..I realize you were never mine to begin with, children are a loan from the Lord.
So with all of my many acts of service, I did them all out of love for the other person. I knew it was what they wanted and it made them happy. I pray everyday that I will not be selfish. Sage, you can go and I will stay and strive daily to not be selfish. You were one of my greatest service projects. I pray that I will continue to serve and love others as much as I love you.  I pray that my weakness will be made strong……….I pray that I will learn to love you more than I love myself and let you go………
God so loved the world he gave his only begotten Son……..I am not comparing myself to Heavenly Father at all but, I have a much clearer under standing of just how unselfish Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ were…….how much they loved us.

Thankful

This was a picture I took of myself  last Thanksgiving….we were on our way to my Mom’s house to eat! I was so excited and felt so blessed. I had a wonderful husband who loved me more than words could say and I had a van full of little children! Healthy, beautiful, happy, little children. We had enough food to feed a small army! Spencer and I had just enough money in the bank to provide Christmas for our family! We had been sealed in the Temple for all ETERNITY! We truly had Heaven right here on earth!  I truly felt blessed beyond measure!
Who knew that my little bubble was ticking away and that is was about to burst. I look at this picture and part of me wishes I could go back in time and truly enjoy each and every second of my life more but, I look at this picture and I know that I was enjoying my life! I was thankful for all of my blessings!
This year I am going to get dressed up and put on my fake it till I make it face and try my hardest to be happy and Thankful for all of my very many blessings. I know that the Lord has blessed us beyond measure this year. I know he has carried me, when all I want to do is sit on my butt and dig my heals into the sand!  He has pushed me to try harder and grow just a little bit more. My Heavenly Father has given me many gifts this year but, the greatest gift of all is an Eternal Family.
So no, little Sage will not be sitting in his little high chair tomorrow putting olives on all ten of his perfect little fingers! No, I will never know what Thanksgiving food he would like served on his plate. No, I won’t ever have all of my children around one dinner table and that kills me. I will always have an empty chair at my table every year and it hurts so bad.
Bishop Nevitt once told me that Mother hood is sometimes like a cactus, he said some times it hurts to be a MOTHER! Most, days I am proud to be Sages Mother but tonight and tomorrow it hurts. I pray that I will feel the much needed peace that I need to feel. I pray the Spirit of the Holy Ghost will be with me. I pray that my Heavenly Father will carry me these next couple of days so I do not feel the sting of the cactus.
I want Sage to know how much we all miss him…how hard we are working to be happy and enjoy each other to the fullest! How hard Daddy and me are pressing forward with faith and determination to be with you again someday.
Tomorrow, when every one is sitting around talking about all they are grateful for. I want my Heavenly Father to know that I love him no matter what. I see his hand in all he has done for me. I am Thankful for the truth. I am Thankful that I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Without all of my knowledge of all of these great and precious truths, I think being Sages Mother would hurt too bad…I would give up. I am thankful that I know that Death is not the end……..I am Thankful that I got to be Sage's Mother know matter how bad this hurts.

The Lion and the Lamb

One week before Sage moved on to bigger and better things Spencer felt prompted to take our family on a vacation. We went to Sea World, San Diego Zoo, and the Wild Animal Park. We saw so many of our Heavenly Father’s amazing creations! We enjoyed our family to the fullest! I cried the entire time because, I felt so blessed to have so many blessings!



A few days later Sage passed away. I am so thankful that we had the opportunity to spend that time with Sage and all of the animals! I think about the creation of the world and all of the animals that were placed here for us to enjoy their beauty! When you lose something so dear to your heart it shakes you to the very core of who you are. Your testimony is so fragile yet so much stronger than ever before. One thing that strengthens my belief that there is a Loving Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ is the animals! Each and every one of them are proof that something greater than ourselves made all of these magnificent creatures! I can not help but view them all with out seeing the hand of my Father in Heaven! I also believe that Sage loves all of Gods creatures as well! He made sure we saw almost all of them before he left! When ever I hear the song of a bird, or see a Momma animal with her baby I think of Sage. I used to call Sage my Baby Bird because he was always nursing!
I look forward to the day that the Lion and Lamb will lay down together and a little child “SAGE” will lead them! Until that day I will just enjoy the beauty all around me. I will look at all of Heavens creations and know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ live and created this beautiful world for me! This song was sang at Sage’s funeral. I think it is perfect going along with all of the animals!

Meet My Friend

I would like you to meet my best friend. His name is Grief. We met each other unexpectedly and became friends instantly. He follows me wherever I go. When I go to sleep at night he tucks me in and whispers in my ear, "I'll see you in the morning." When I awake surely he has held true to his promise and greets me with a frown. He frowns because he is sad he had to meet me. He is the most loyal friend in the world. You can forget him for a while and not even think about him and he is willing to return at the drop of a dime. Grief is unselfish though. When other friends are around, he takes a back seat. He is quieted by the chattering of my other friends. It's nice to have a break from Him. Sometimes he's unrelenting and can be a drag. Other times I am grateful he's my friend because when he's around I know I haven't Forgotten.
A while back he was my very best friend. Slowly other friends are taking his place and he doesn't visit as often. I have even made friends with Joy again. I thought I had lost her friendship forever. Joy is a good friend too. Hopefully one day I will be able to be as good friends with Joy as I was with Grief. Maybe one day we can all be friends and share the same heart. To live in the Joy of today, to remember the grief of yesterday and to love all of my tomorrows. When all three of us can attain the same heart, I know our new best friend will be peace."
-Michelle Krainich

I try everyday to find Joy and Peace in my journey. Spencer and I work so hard everyday to learn to live in our New Normal to laugh and cry and enjoy each and everyday of our new life. People have said to me you need to get over this and move on…….that life will go on. Thank you so much for your kind heartfelt words of encouragement and understanding. I am well aware that life goes on and my life has gone on. Like I said, we are working hard at learning to deal with such a loss.

I honestly feel that my Heavenly Father is cheering for me in Heaven daily! Spencer and I are moving on and living our lives to the fullest.
My only words I have to say to you, until “you” and you all know who “you are”………have to hold your lifeless baby in your arms, turn it over to the county, purchase a casket, watch as they lower him into the ground and bury that baby, please do not judge Spencer and me and tell us to just get over it and life goes on. We are on a Journey and we are enduring that Journey faithfully, peacefully, and joyfully until the very end. I hope and Pray that none of “you” ever have to meet my new friend Grief.