Sage Lawrence Eldredge

The Unexpected

2011-12-25T15:01:00.000-08:00

On Christmas Eve RaLee was suddenly desperate to leave the house just as our family party was about to begin. She insisted, with much desperation, that she had some last minute shopping that she had to do. So with a promis to be safe and hurry home she went shopping. A short time later there was a knock on the door. Crystal answered and there stood RaLee, with a huge smile on her face, she said, "These are from Sage" as she handed Crystal a boquet of poinsettia's, complete with a "JOY" ornament.

We had a wonderful time Christmas Eve and were so very blessed to have family, home, food, and the spirit of Christ in our home.

Sage's Brothers and Sisters in their "Christmas Eve Pajamas"

Christmas morning as the children were looking in their stockings, Jayden looked back at the wall where Sage's stocking hung empty and asked, "Mom why didn't Santa Claus leave something in Sage's stocking? Is it because he's dead?"

It's moments like these, the sudden and unexpected ones, that tug at your heart strings and make us miss Sage so much. I know we have said it before, but time does not heal your wounds nor does it take away the pain, you just learn to live with the scars.

Miss Ellie opening her stocking

Joy

2011-12-21T23:41:00.000-08:00

When we were trying to decide what to put on Sage's headstone everyone in the family wrote down one word that they would use to describe Sage. After many months of consideration the word that everyone agreed upon was "JOY". Sage was such a beautiful and happy baby, who was quick to smile and had the most infectous giggle, simply put, Sage brought nothing but "JOY" into our lives.

As we celebrate the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ we are comforted in knowing that because of Christ's gift to us, we can be with our loved ones for all eternity. This knowledge fills our hearts with Joy, Peace, and Hope for the future.

The Christmas after Sage passed away we put up a tree in his honor. Every year we add new "Joy" ornaments to Sage's tree.

This year as we visited family and friends at the cemetary we decided to bring a message of "Joy" as a reminder that one day the sting of the grave will be replaced with pure Joy when we are reunited with our loved ones.

My Mother, Sage's Great Grandmother, Francine Jewell Jordan

John R. Jordan

Charlie Jordan

Eddie Jordan

Ted Jordan

Baby, Kathy Allison Jordan

Cori and Blades White's, daughter Kyndal, who was born sleeping.

Robbie Penrod

DeLanney Norris, infant daughter of Tommy and Becky Norris

Her parents founded "Laney's Legacy" in their daughters memory.

Sweet Little Brandon Allen

Kenny Eldredge, Spencer's little brother and Sage's Uncle.

Spencer(below) decorating his little brother's grave.

Kenny was such a handsome young man.

And finally, Sage...

Brothers

Sister, Jayden

Sage's mom- Crystal

Sage's Family, unfortunately Ellie Mae was sick and couldn't be there.

It is hard to believe that so many of our family and friends have passed away. It is difficult to deal with so much loss, especially when so many of them were children and young adults. Instead of falling into the depth's of despair we are choosing to find "Joy" in the knowledge that because of our Savior we can be together forever.

This knowledge brings us peace and fills our hearts with Joy.

We pray that all of you can find the Joy that is there for each of us, a gift from our Heavenly Father. May each of you have a "Joy" filled Holiday Season.

Family Pictures

2011-04-05T19:05:00.000-07:00

My Dear Little Man,

Grandma and Aunt Jessy have been gently urging me to share my feelings. I learned rather quickly who I felt I could share my pain and grief with. I understood that my Mother would listen to me and be there for me any time of the day or night. Mom has always been here for me. I love my Mother. Mom cried with me and has allowed me show my sadness and be myself.

My Dad on the other hand was different. I knew before Sage died that crying and grieving was, in his eyes, was for the weak and cry babies. I never once talked to my Dad about Sage or how his death upset me. I tried to be strong around my Dad. I held back the tears and put on my "I don't give a damn" face. A poker face around my Dad. I did good at acting like I was tough because, after all, that is how Dad raised and expected me to be.

Last September...(the very last time my Dad stepped foot in my home) he came in and sat down. We had a casual conversation about the weather and stuff. Then my Dad looked at me and said. "Aren't you glad that BOY of yours Died! You would be really busy if he was here!" I just looked at my Dad in disbelief that he had even uttered such words to me! I looked right at him and said "Yes Dad I am so glad that BOY of mine DIED now Spencer and I do not have to buy him Christmas presents this year! I am also thankful that I do not have to buy him any diapers! Think about all the money we are saving with him gone!!!!!" Dad looked at me and said "you will hate me for saying this but its true! My Aunts lost babies and they did not cry over those kids! You need to get over it already! You live at the graveyard and that is not right!!!!!"

I sat on my living room floor the rest of the day...wondering if my Dad had really uttered such crap to me!!!! I thought about it over and over!!!! I thought I had been handling this trial so well! I thought I was doing good! I know that over the past 2 years I have been to the GRAVEYARD maybe 5 times at the most!!! I did not feel that I lived there!!! I was shocked that my Dad said all of these things to me!

2 days later....My Mom called me at 11:30 at night in tears. She said your Dad just left me! He said that he wanted out! He did not like his kids and he wanted out of the family! ------Long story short------Dad left my Mom after 32 years of marriage for a 39 year old White trash Hoe! Her name is Jen and let me tell you she is a piece of work to say the least! I think she is super classy! HERE is the CLINCHER JEN has an 8 year old Daughter.....any guesses as to what the little girls name MIGHT BE???? If you guessed SAGE you are right!!!! Yes my Dads girlfriends daughters name is SAGE!! Weird, creepy, BIG red FLAG! You be the judge of that one!

Anyways, my family has been through so much since last October! I am happy to report that we are all doing great! Mom is happy! We are all happy! Doing well! Even though my Dad is lost! Lost is the only word to describe him! I pity him! I pray for him! Like I said Long story short! My Dad has been a TERRIBLE Dad my entire life! He was extremely physically and verbally abusive! Through all of his faults I always loved my Dad and tried to live my life so that one day he could look at me and tell me that he was proud of me! I learned, however, that NO matter how hard I have tried to please him, I will never be enough and neither will my family! I learned that it is okay! I am a good person and I know that my Heavenly Father loves me! I know that he is proud of me and that is all that matters! As for my Dad...well He was right I do hate him for all that he said! I Have learned to let go of the HATE but the damage is done! I am willing to let him go! This past March we took Family Pictures. Family Pictures missing our little Man Sage and Missing my Dad. I know that all will be well. The Atonement will Continue to heal our family and make us stronger than we have ever been! We are still standing and smiling! Endure to end!

Dear Sage,

2011-03-12T02:01:00.000-08:00

     Hi sweetheart it's Grandma Liz. I wanted you to know that we haven't forgotten about you, in fact quite the opposite is true, we think about you everyday. Your brothers and sister Jayden talk about you often. You are so loved and missed.
     As you know the family has been through some difficult times lately. I know you were aware of us because I have felt your presence in some of my darkest hours. I could feel you gently urging me to "endure to the end" and to have faith. I promised you that I would live my life so I will be found worthy to be with you again and that's what I'm striving for.
    Your baby sister was born and I believe she talks to you. She will look off into the distance and babble away and then break into giggles. Sometimes she keeps your mommy awake for hours but she doesn't seem to mind because she loves watching her chat and coo at the ceiling. It comforts her because she is certain that Ellie's innocent eyes can see what she can not....you.

Ellie and I on her blessing day

     Grandma had a hard time sewing Ellie's blessing gown. I kept thinking about how hard it was to sew your burial clothes. There were touches of Sage green in your clothing so I decided to embroidery flowers down the front of Ellie's gown and add some Sage green leaves in your memory.
     I can't believe that your Angel Day will be here in just 1 short week. I have noticed a shift in the family's mood as the 19th of March approaches. We have become more somber and reflective. Each of us have talked about the last time we saw or held you and we can't help but wonder what it would be like if you were still here.
     Your mom and dad are laughing more and your mommy is starting to feel parts of her "old self" returning. I'm so happy to see this and I know it is in part to your baby Sister Ellie. But I also know that the memory of you and the promise of being with you again keeps her moving forward.

When I look at your baby sister I am reminded of you. I think the two of you look alike!

Little man please know that we are all thinking about you. I know that mommy hasn't written in your blog but that doesn't mean she has forgotten. Somebody very close to her said some very harsh words that made her feel that sharing her feelings about missing you was a bad thing. Don't worry I'm sure she will find her way back. It's all just part of this journey she has been on. Learning to live without you has not been an easy thing to do. I think it was James E. Faust that said something like, "The love of a mother is the closest thing that we can come to on this earth that even begins to compare to the love our Savior has for us." and your mommy definitely loves you.
I will close for now. I know you will be with us as we celebrate and remember you on your 2nd Angel Day. May God continue to watch over and keep you until we meet again.

Missing and Always Loving you,
Grandma Liz

William

2010-08-11T09:09:00.000-07:00

The minute William was born I looked down at my brand new baby boy and I sorta laughed. He looked like a wise little old man. He was adorable and I loved him dearly but I will always remember thinking he was an old soul...

William is very lovely and kind in all he does. He always gives hugs and loves to me. He will rub your arm and just want to cuddle everyday. He gets upset if an animal is killed on the road and he hates watching the news because it makes him so sad to hear about all the terrible stuff that people do to each other.

These past 2 weeks during the night William keeps coming into my room in the middle of the night to "CHECK on ME". He keeps having terrible nightmares that something happens to me and the baby. He dreams that he has to call 911, Dad, and Grandma. He is terrified that I will be all alone and need help and he will not hear me. Last night I told him he could get in bed with me, he told me that he was going to sit in the rocking chair next to me so he could stay awake. I looked over and he was sound asleep after 30 minutes. I moved him to my bed. He also is terrified that he does not know CPR or that he will have to perform CPR on me. I had to sit and explain to him why he is worried and how Sages death has affected him. I keep reasuring him that Momma and baby will be fine. That everything will be okay. He worries on the nights that Spencer is at work and he is the MAN of the house! I taught him how to use my phone just in case, hoping this would calm his fears. He wants to learn CPR....

I feel terrible that my 9 year old is traumatized. I do not think any 8 year old should have to see his Dad perform CPR and see his entire house fill up with fire fighters and police. It scared him so bad. It breaks my heart that he is so worried that he comes in to check on me at night.

I told him that he could sleep in my room when it gets closer to baby coming so he could help me if I needed it. I told him Grandma might come while Daddy is at work. I think I told him anything and everything he wanted to hear just to help calm his fears.

I also talked to him about needing to have faith that all will be well. That we have to try really hard not to live in fear and try to focus on being happy and not scared. Heavenly Father will take care of us and nothing bad will happen. If something bad does happen then we will deal with it when it comes. We have said many prayers in the middle of night...hoping that he can feel the Spirit and be able to feel calm and at peace with things.

Getting Closer....

2010-08-05T13:41:00.000-07:00

Today my eyes have been moist with tears most of the day. I keep blinking and wiping my eyes to hold back the flood that wants to come. Grief is strange. I have realized it comes and goes as it pleases and most of the time it is sneaky and you have no idea it is coming to find you. I know that my hormones are all over the place due to being 4-3 weeks from having a baby. So I try to not be so hard on myself.

We are getting so excited for the arrival of our new baby girl. All of us are waiting patiently and watching the calendar with so much excitement. With the due date getting the closer the higher my fears seem to get. I no longer live in a bubble that babies live and that they always get to come home with Ma and Pa. I know more than ever things can go wrong instantly and nothing is set in stone. I hate hearing lighting can not strike twice. I hate to be a negative Nancy but yes...lighting and thunder and horrible things can happen twice to a family. SO as we wait for her arrival we HOPE for the best and secretly pray that we avoid the worse.

I joke that they might just have to knock me out to have the baby because I honestly think I am going to loose it as soon as she is out, safe, healthy, and all wrapped up and placed in my arms. I think I might need oxygen or something because I can only imagine the emotions I might have when she is born.

One thing that has been weighing on my mind is the moment the other children are introduced to their new sibling. I know that it is going to be another roller coaster of emotions. I will miss Sage so much more at that moment. A moment when as a Mother you feel your entire family should all be together. To be able to watch each of the kids reactions to the new baby. To take your first official family photo. To know that one is missing is so hard to grasp and come to terms with. I know he will be there in spirit and he will see everything....but we won't see everything....we will not see the entire picture until later. I know that this is Gods plan for me and my family. I sorta wish it did not have to hurt so much most of the time.

So once again I find myself praying that somehow we make it through the hard times and the happy and focus on the positive and the Eternal side of everything...sometimes that gets extremely difficult. Sometimes you want to take a cue from your little ones...lay down on the floor and kick, scream and cry until you hopefully get your way! I have learned all the tears in world are not going to change nothing...so you keep going whether you like it or not.

I pray that I can just enjoy the last few weeks of pregnancy and have a stronger Faith than I have ever had before...

Treys Memory

2010-07-26T21:32:00.000-07:00

Tonight at dinner Trey said Mom I want to talk about Sage tonight, I said Honey you can talk about Sage anytime you want. Mommy loves to talk about Sage. Then all of the kids started talking about Sage and the memories they each hold dear to their hearts. Wayne remembers how happy he was all of the time. William remembers how he loved his hair. Jayden does not remember much...except that we will be together again someday.
Treys Memory was one that I had forgotten...I was so happy Trey remembered it and wanted to share it with me! Sage army crawled over to the fridge and kept patting the door. Trey opened the door and grabbed the big jar of apple sauce. Trey dumped it all over the floor in front of Sage. I walked in the kitchen a few minutes later and found Sage covered in apple sauce and happy as can be! I forgot Trey and Sage had gotten into such a mess. As soon as Trey started talking I remembered.
I used to get all upset when my kids made huge messes. Now I look around and think well at least they are here to make messes. A mess is proof that my children are alive and that to me means more than any clean freshly mopped kitchen floor!

Jayden and baby sister.

2010-06-20T11:20:00.000-07:00

Spencer, Jayden, and I went to my 29 week ultra sound/appointment. Jayden sat on the table next to me and kept giving me hugs and loves during the entire ultra sound. She was in awe of her new baby sister in my belly and kept saying how cute she was. She laughed every time the baby moved. During the ultra sound Jayden looked at me and said MOM....that is not Sage in your tummy....When is Sage being Born again....then she kept repeating over and over again....SAGE IS DEAD MOM? The ultra sound tech lifted the Doppler off my tummy and just began bawling her eyes out. I turned on my side and talked to Jayden about Sage and where he is. I explained that this baby is not Sage and that he will come back later when Jesus comes. It took about 10 minutes to explain things Jayden. I rolled back on my back and the ultra sound tech had tears still rolling down her face. She turned the machine to 3D ultrasound and showed us the baby from every angle possible. She was so nervous and upset that she was literally digging the doppler into my tummy. It hurt so bad. Finally she said is there anything else you want to see? No my belly was hurting! When I got up and was heading out the door she patted me on the back and told me I was an amazing Mother. It made me tear up.
Grief is difficult...you never know when the waves will come crashing down around you. Spencer and me where doing fine and enjoying the moment. When grief struck Jayden. It is moments like these that are difficult for me. It is hard to explain to a 3 year that her baby brother died. It makes no sense to her. I pray that this new baby will help all of my children heal. I am thankful she is a girl so the little ones will see her differently than they saw Sage. Bows and Dresses!

Baby girl is healthy and strong. She is weighing almost 4 pounds give or take a few ounces. Judging from the pictures she looks on the chunky side to me. She is very active and we all look forward to her arrival. A baby that I can love and cuddle on daily and I do not have to give back to the Mother it belongs to. She will belong to me!

Humpty Dumpty

2010-06-17T21:10:00.000-07:00

The Atonement of Jesus Christ is one full circle. It not only covers our sins and transgressions but, Jesus also suffered for our sicknesses, grief, trials, afflictions, and mental and emotional illnesses. I cling to the Atonement on a daily basis. This past week has been hard on me. I feel like everything in my life is crashing down around me. I have found myself crying alot and just praying as hard as I can. I keep telling myself to have just a little bit more Faith than I did the day before! The only thing staying together is my little family! The only thing that really matters at the end of each day! I am thankful that Spencer and I are standing shoulder to shoulder dealing with everything together!

I found this little nursery rhyme from a church talk and it has stuck with me this past week. I keep repeating it over and over in my head!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the King's horses and all the King's men

Couldn't put Humpty together again.....

BUT!!!! the KING could! the KING can, and the KING will!

Like I said I need to have a little more Faith that somehow, someway through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I will be healed maybe not fully in this lifetime but one day!

Functioning.....

2010-06-14T19:15:00.000-07:00

Slowly but surely things are getting done...somehow. People always say if this happened to me...I would not be able to function. Guess what folks I was not functioning. So many things did not get done that needed to be done.

I love having family dinner. It has been a long time since I have actually had the desire to cook for my family. For a long time after Sage moved on we literally ate fast food for every dinner. Some nights I would load the kids up and call my Mom and tell her we were on our way and we where hungry. None of us felt like cooking. If we had a home cooked meal it was a rare occasion. Sister Jones in my ward wanted to bring a meal into us she kept saying I know it has been 5 months since Sage passed away but, I wanted to do this. I cried it had been a long time since we had a home cooked dinner. We got to a point that we just got sick and tired of fast food. It was making us ill and even the kids had enough of the nasty food. Spencer started cooking first, when he was home from work. The other nights, I cooked little things and ordered pizza. It has been about a month or two and I can honestly say we are cooking almost everyday. I have been cooking dinner and it feels good.

I would go in and pick up the kids rooms and vacuum. One day after I was done cleaning, I walked back into the rooms and they stunk. I could not figure out why the room smelled funny. It dawned on me. I had not washed a sheet...pillow case...or comforter in almost 8 months. Their blankets sorta peeled off their beds. I cried so hard. I felt like such a failure. I was disgusted and mad.

My room..yah that was a joke and still is. Sage technically died in his crib...I never saw him in his crib. I heard Spencer screaming bloody murder...that Sage was dead. Before I could even crawl out of the covers, Spencer had carried him into my room. So to me he died in my room at the foot of my bed. It was my room that I saw Spencer work so hard to save Sage. It was my room that his Spirit finally stopped trying to stay and he left. It was in my room that detectives surrounded his little body. To say the least my room hardly ever gets cleaned. I have tried and I make every one help me. I clean the bathroom. The room hardly gets touched. I tried to go in there and paint it and rearrange and make it look different...the fact remains...my brain will not let go of any of those memories. I am scared to walk in the room if it is dark. I just have a difficult time in there. So it goes months at a time not being touched.

The microwave and stove had not been touched in almost 11 months. My Mom came over one day and cleaned them. I was so grateful for the help.

My carpets started to look really nasty. They are only 2 years old at the time and they looked horrid. My sister Amanda has come over twice to shampoo and clean them for me.

My sister RaLee has done a million clean up jobs around the house and baby sitting jobs. I will forever be grateful for her and her service to my family.

Laundry that has been a joke and is still a joke. I try and we have never gone completely naked yet but, sometimes it looks a little ify! For the first 5 months I never washed a load of soaks I just bought new packages for Spencer and the boys every 2 weeks. One day I discovered almost 5-6 big baskets of dirty soaks in my closet. We missed almost 3 weeks of church because I could not find the kids church clothes. It was too over whelming. My Mom came over many times and just did the laundry.

My refrigerator....hahaha....in 1 year it had not been touched. It took us almost 6 hours one afternoon to clean and scrub that thing out. All of us including the kids just kept opening the doors to look inside to see and smell it!

The garage! The beast...it is finally clean after four weeks of cleaning it 3 times a week!

The inside of my mini van yah it is still a joke. I get so embarrassed.

I spent many days all day moving my identical couches all over the living room. I needed to forget what couch I was sitting on when I held Sage for the last time. It sounds insane but I did not want to remember the couch.

Budgeting and taking care of the bills. I stopped. Spencer has been in charge. We used to sit down together and go over every bill. Not any more. He does it all and he is not that good at it. We have struggled to say the least. I am trying to help him more and more each month. He has even done most of the grocery shopping and sometimes taking all of the kids with him. Sometimes I went with him and just sat in the front of the store while he did the shopping. I am trying to be better.

My house has not been a total dump. It was surface clean but, not deep cleaned in many areas. I laugh to myself when people say you are so strong...I feel weak and broken most days of the week.

Things are slowly getting better. I am no longer the neat freak I used to be. I have let tons of things go. I have learned how to balance my home and my work around the house. I still struggle with getting things done, they get done eventually. All Heavenly Father asks of us is that we try our best. I can honestly look back over the last 15 months and say I have tried my best.

I have been there for my children every second of the day during their walk through grief and sadness. I have spent countless hours reading scriptures to them and talking about Heaven and the plan. I have ponder over the past 15 months and see that lots of things have gone terribly wrong! I can see that I have done alot of things perfectly right in the sight of God. I know that when I get to Heaven he is not going to judge me for not being able to keep my house spotless. He is going to judge me on so many other things that I did do right all of these many months.

Not to mention I am building a baby girl! She has made me so ill everyday. This pregnancy in itself has been a challenge. Yet I know Heavenly Father is pleased with me and my efforts to try my hardest. Somehow I am learning to function again and run a household. I think I have been a good Mother to my kids in many areas, I am just no longer the Super Mom I used to strive to be.

Crib Recall

2010-06-04T13:16:00.000-07:00

Late last night I was blog hopping due to shear boredom and I came across this woman's blog and she was talking about her crib being recalled. I instantly ran to the garage and pulled Sage's crib out of storage. Within minutes I discovered that Sage's crib was one of the cribs being recalled. The cribs are being recalled because they are contributing factors in infant death. The babies are getting stuck in the corner of the crib and suffocating or the crib collapses resulting in death or injury. Spencer found Sage in the corner of the crib...

We have contacted the company and filled out all of the paper work to report his death and register our crib. I actually found the receipt on the crib and more information on the crib. They will come in contact with us within 30 days of us filing out the papers. I don't know what will come from all of this. I guess I just feel better knowing it was not all my fault. It is easier to blame a faulty crib...or something. SIDS is so hard because you have no answer. Sometimes hearing it was just his time...drives you up a wall.

I am pretty sure they will refund us the amount of the crib and it will give us a little bit of closure as to what might have happened to him.

Priceless Loans...

2010-05-25T21:30:00.000-07:00

Elder H. Burke Peterson said: " Mother is a child's lifeline. Children are not a gift to us, but a precious loan, a priceless loan to be returned---returned more valuable than when we received them.......The charge is ours to increase their worth.......(God created you to learn to be a good Mother---an Eternal Mother. It is your first and foremost calling.")

I have read this quote over and over again today. I think about Sage and I know I was his lifeline. I woke up that morning looking for him and wanting to nurse him. I did my best at making sure I kept my breast milk clean and pure. I made sure almost all of his baby food was handmade. I nourished his body in and out of the womb. I can honestly say I did my best to take care of his body and my body.

A priceless loan to be returned---returned more valuable than when we received them! I have spent a long time thinking about Sages life. I convinced myself that he was called home because I was an awful Mother. I beat myself up for every mistake I had ever made. If only I had tried harder or done a better job being a Mother to 5 children. Maybe just maybe he could have stayed. I thought Heavenly Father was not proud of me or my Mothering abilities. I was scared to get pregnant again because, I just knew I was a terrible Mother.Why would he loan me another special Spirit? When he just came and took one home.

The more I have pondered this quote the clearer its message rang in my ears. Sage was a priceless loan to be returned-----returned more valuable than when Sage came to me. Looking back over his short life I can know that I did the best job I could do. That night when I lay him down to sleep. Sage was freshly bathed, fully nourished, clean pj's, spotless room, played with, tickled and completely loved. Every, night for 8 months and 2 days I layed him down to sleep the same way. Everyday, I tried my hardest to be the best Mom I could be. I took him to church, read him scriptures, and gave him my whole heart.

I truly believe that when he was called back home to his Heavenly home his mission was complete. I realize that I did send him home more valuable than when I received him. That is all Heavenly Father asked of me. I fulfilled my first calling to be a good Mother---I will stay and prepare myself to fulfill the rest of my calling to be his Eternal Mother. Sage is waiting and looking forward to that day as much as I am. I am going to try to no longer feel guilty that this was my fault. I did my best.

Somehow...

2010-05-24T22:27:00.000-07:00

It is difficult to see my other children grow up. The pictures on the wall do not represent the children that I now have in my home. We are all different...we are all older...
our life is moving on...this change breaks my heart. Soon another baby picture will be on the wall and her picture will grow and change...his will stay frozen in time. I wonder about the millennium how will it be? It will be perfect I am told. I know Sage will be given back to me. I know I will have him again the same way I layed him down...I have no doubt about this. This gives me so much peace and comfort. I know the other kids will be their but, like I said they are older, they will be older. I do not know how Heavenly Father is going to make this feeling go away. The feeling of missing out on raising Sage with these brothers and sisters. Running around this house, making noise and messes. I know Sage watches over us and sees our lives but the fact remains...these kids are growing up without Sage in the physical sense. All I know is there is a plan. Heavenly Father has promised that all will be right in the end. I feel like all of us are missing out on so much. I have to keep the faith...somehow the end will be better than the beginning. In the grand scheme of things none of the things we are missing will matter? I hope so...I really hope so...I have to tell myself this daily...when it is all said and done...everything will be just fine. I guess it does not matter if I do not have all the answers right now...Heavenly Father already hammered out the details long ago... So even though I don't understand and see everything...I will go and do what my Father has commanded me to do...I will continue to move forward knowing that somehow someway all of this will be okay in the end. I cling to the Atonement of Jesus, it is my rod of iron. It is perfect and the love he has for me is perfect so in the end things will work out perfectly.

Due...

2010-05-18T19:35:00.000-07:00

A big part of me wants to talk about, how after 14 months...it still hurts...it still takes everything you have every day to get up and live and choose to handle things the way Heavenly Father wants you to handle it. I want to talk about that but I won't, instead I want to make you laugh...because sometimes we all need to just laugh no matter how crappy things might be!
Remember I said I found some pictures of Sage on an old cell phone? Well I found some of me pregnant with Sage. Sage was due on July 13, 2008 and he decided he had other plans he did not come until the 17th of July. He was going to stay in there as long as he could! I kept going into labor then it would stop and I would cry. This went on for weeks. I was at my wits end...I was pregnant in the middle of July...living in the Valley of the Sun! I was done being pregnant! I started going to the chiropractor a few weeks before he was born. I feel that they really help get your body in line and your delivery goes smoother. My chiropractor would work on me and the next day I would show up more pregnant than I was the day before. He told me about some lady in his complex that could hook me up to a machine, that would put me into labor. I called her and made my appointment for the next day! I really had no idea what this woman was going to do but, like I said I was done and desperate! The lady got busy hooking me up to her machines! All Spencer could do was stand at the door way hands on his knees laughing hysterically at me! I was getting so mad at him! After, he took a few cell phones pics of me, the lady kicked him out of the office! I could hear him laughing all the way outside! My Mom did not laugh at me...she has had 6 babies, she knows how desperate you get! Well I walked out of the office in labor...I showed up at the hospital the next morning in labor! I have no idea if this worked but who cares Sage finally came! I wonder what he thinks when he looks back on this part of his life!

New Pictures!

2010-05-13T21:52:00.000-07:00

A few days ago Spencer's cell phone broke. Today he dug through the junk drawer to find his old phone. When he hooked it up to the computer, I discovered almost 10-15 "NEW" pictures of Sage on the old phone. I just sat and cried as I looked at each picture. Every time I clicked to the next picture, my heart would just race wondering if he would be in the next photo. I was so happy and felt so blessed today. I have sat and looked at the pictures over and over again today. I will always be thankful for this tender mercy. I know the Lord watches over us daily he knows what we need when we really need it. I pray everyday that I will always live my life worthy of such tender mercy's and blessings from the Lord. Missing my little boy today...and everyday. His perfect little lips and nose...look at those big brown eyes! I sure do miss my little Sagebrush.

Little Treasure

2010-05-10T19:14:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks I have been trying to remember every detail I can remember of Sage and our short time together. I remembered that 1 1/2 weeks before he died Uncle DJ and I took all five kids to Hobby Lobby. I needed to find the perfect baby shower invites for Amanda's little Izzy. I recall just laughing at DJ trying to watch all 5 kids while I shopped around. I heard him hauler at a kid every know and again...saying..."Don't touch that!" or "You need to go pee again?" "Lets go see if your Mom is done yet!" "Get back over here and stay with the group!" I giggled and enjoyed my alone time in Hobby Lobby! I look over and here comes Uncle DJ with all five kids in tow and each kid had a little goodie/toy. DJ said it was the only thing that kept all of them happy! He said, "We are buying them and that was that!" I laughed because DJ looked so desperate to keep them all quite and he finally did it! I do not remember anything about what toys the other kids got. I just remember looking down at Sage he was holding his little rattle in his hand shaking it and laughing so hard! Sage loved his little rattle and I thought he looked so adorable sitting in his Dinosaur car seat holding his little toy from Uncle DJ.

Well like I said, I have not gone through any of Sages things up until the past few weeks. It is just to difficult for me. I have been thinking about the last days of his life and what we did together. I remember Hobby Lobby and I remembered the little rattle. I thought it was long gone by now and never thought I would see it again. I never even bothered to look for the 25 cent plastic rattle. Today, I went to Sages closet to find a diaper stacker that was Williams when he was a baby and out fell Sages little toy rattle from Hobby Lobby.

I picked it up and just cried. I had found the rattle...or the rattle found me. I like to think of it as a little Mothers Day present from Sage. I had told no one about the rattle and that I wished I had it. To me it means the world. One more tangible reminder that he was here with our family. One more memory that I have to hold on to.

Sage's Headstone

2010-05-07T22:00:00.000-07:00

It took me a very long time before I felt like ordering Sage's headstone. I wanted his stone to be perfect. I designed one and after shopping around, I realized it was going to cost us a small fortune for what I wanted. I finally came to the realization that whatever I picked out would never be good enough so finally I settled and picked out this Headstone. I think it is beautiful. He has a beautiful name and this picture captures Sages sweet spirit so perfectly.

The saying "See you in the morning" came from another Angel Mommy. Becky talked about the Joy she will have when she gets to be with her little girl again in the morning of the first resurrection. I have thought about this a lot. Sage passed away early in the morning and that morning was the darkest hour of my life. I try everyday to think about the morning that he will be placed back in our arms. live my life everyday so that on that Morning I will be found worthy to hold my baby boy again.

LYTE stands for "Love You Through Eternity" this is something that Spencer's family has said to each other for a very long time. We thought it fit perfectly and we are happy it was included on his headstone. The Building on the Headstone is the Mesa Arizona Temple. This is where Spencer and I were married and sealed for time and all eternity.

Sage is burried on top of Spencer's little brother Kenny. The cemetery would not allow us to have a vase on his headstone. So we use Kenny's vase which is just above Sage's headstone. still wish he had his own vase but I wish lots of things...

It is such a bittersweet feeling seeing your child's name and picture written on a headstone. You are happy that when people walk by they will know that he is there. But how your heart aches to see his name written on other things. I just hurt and miss my baby. It has been 14 months and it this still hurts. I try my best everyday...

Trey helped clean his baby brothers headstone. When we got to the Cemetery Trey got out of the van and folded his arms. He treats Sage and Kenny's grave with such respect and care.

Richard and Carolyn met us there and the kids gathered pine cones, rocks and a tree branch, they wanted to decorate his grave. I thought it was sweet of them. My Mom came as well. always takes the pictures.

"Weezer"

2010-05-04T15:03:00.000-07:00

This is a subject that I have not wanted to talk about or even admit that I was having an issue with. After yesterdays post I realized I had talked about my Anger. I have tried so hard to always be positive and talk about everything else but I have kept quiet about the Anger.

I know everyone grieves differently that is normal but we will all cycle though the same emotions on our journey through grief. Some cry, some talk, some refuse to talk and some get angry. I think the key to grief is to allow each stage to come but to not get "stuck" in any one phase or cycle for very long. Allow yourself to feel each and every emotion and let it do its work and then move forward.

A few days after Sage passed away I found myself standing on the side of the road slamming my fists into the side of my van. A police officer saw me and was going to arrest me. Spencer and my Mom explained that my son died and we had just left the funeral home picking out a casket. The officer suggested calling an ambulance but after some consideration decided to let us go on our way.

I am not one to just sit and cry. I was raised by a Father that I had never seen shed one tear in all of his years. I was shocked to see tears in my Dads eyes when Sage passed away. He really never got involved in our child rearing but if he saw me crying he made sure I knew I was tougher than the tears and that I needed to suck it up.

So when Sage passed away I decided that day that I was not going to let this take me down. I was a tough Reidhead and I could conquer anything. I did not realize, even at the time, just how hard it was going to be to lose a child.

I think Sage had been gone 6 weeks or longer before I actually cried those gut wrenching sobs that had threatened to take over. When I started to feel that all too familiar feeling of wanting to break down and I cry would do something. The day of the funeral after the services when we were at the graveside my emotions started to get the best of me so I just got up and walked away.

After some time alone in the van I made my way back for the remainder of his graveside service. Another day I grabbed a shovel and dug up my back yard in the middle of July when the temperature was 110. I painted the bathrooms, kitchen, and kids rooms, or I made 200 hair bows. I taught myself how to sew. I also would rearrange my entire house. I did all of this to run and hide from the tears and heartache. I would stuff the tears down deep and the anger would just bubble up.

I have never gotten Angry at Heavenly Father or asked why me or why my baby. Instead I would get angry at myself. Angry that I was not as tough as I once thought. Angry that I was not in control of my life. Angry that I hurt so bad. Angry that I knew that this was something that was never going to get better one day. I would feel the tears coming and I would fight them and get angry when they did come. Angry that my eyes would get so puffy and angry that I now had a headache from crying so hard. I would get angry if I was at church and my emotions got the better of me and I cried. I would get even more angry if anyone saw me cry. That was the worst. I would rather have them see me angry than to see me being a cry baby. People would say your so strong...I never see you crying...if this happened to me I would stay in bed and cry all day. I would think to myself, well that is why this happened to me...I am stronger than you...I am not a cry baby. Well not me...instead you would see me outside kicking a shovel all over the back yard with bloody hands and blisters. That is just how I handle things.

When I got pregnant with this baby, I got extremely sick and my work habits changed dramatically. I went from running myself into the ground and hiding from my grief to sitting on the couch all day long facing my grief head on. I started crying in January and I have not stopped since. The tears just come and I have to let them come. I have cried so much. I have let go of my anger and I have embraced the tears. I don't care who sees me cry anymore. My eyes are always moist and my tears are always ready to pour. I am okay with it. It is okay to cry. Its okay to go through a whole box of tissues. It has been hard for me to let go of the anger and embrace the tears.

I watched this clip a long time ago and I have laughed so hard and cried as well. Our family's joke is. When ever, Spencer sees that I am pushing aside the tears and sees the anger boiling up, he will just look at me and say "here hit Weezer"! I just start laughing...it helps me so much and I am okay. I guess in a way my anger now has a name "Weezer". Weezer comes and goes but Weezer has not been around in a while. I see that I am healing slowly but surely.

My only advice to someone who has had to deal with Weezer is to just sit and pray. Pray for as long as you need to pray. Eventually the Spirit of the Holy Ghost will come and the hold "Weezer" has on you will pass. Grief is a series of phases and I'm sure my old friend Weezer will visit me every now and again.

For easier listening scroll to the bottom of the blog and pause "Sages Songs"

One Moment at a time...

2010-05-03T16:12:00.000-07:00

A few days after Sage passed away I asked my sister Jessica and her husband John to gather up all of his things and put them in his room. I also had them move all of Trey's things out of the room. I came home that night and there was no trace of Sage having ever been in our home. His things where stashed away. It took me a few months before I could even open the door and step foot in his room. Then one day I was finally able to go in and clean his room and organize all of his things.

This past year I have had no idea what to do with his room or his things. Some days I had to refrain from slapping up some dry wall over the entrance and pretend it never was there so I did not have to deal with it.

I have gone in the garage and grabbed an axe. I have wanted to kick down the door and rip his room, crib and mattress to shreds. Sometimes, I honestly thought about taking a match and lighting the room on fire. I realize that none of these are realistic thoughts so I have left the room as is. You can call me crazy until you have lost a child don't judge because you really have no clue how bad it hurts.

The past year I would go into his room really late at night after the other kids were sound asleep and sit in the rocking chair and cry. I have not opened the drawers to look at his things. I have not opened the closet to see where his things where hung. I just sit in the chair and cry. The morning he passed away my Mother asked if we wanted pictures of Spencer and I holding him for the last time. I said yes. My Mother took four pictures. I got the pictures printed. I have them sitting next to the rocking chair in a book. I pull them out and look at each one. I know this sounds strange but grief does that to you. It is my way of trying to accept that my baby is gone. Trying with all my heart to come to terms with the fact that this was Gods will for me. I hardly look at pictures of him living because those hurt too bad but instead I look at the other pictures because him being gone is my reality.

I remember the way I felt the day he left. I felt at peace and was able to let him go....I could feel with every fiber of my being that it was his time and that it was no accident. I knew that his earthly mission was over and he was simply being called home. I read this scripture a few days after he passed away...
D&C 6:23 Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?

I sit in my rocking chair and try and picture what that night was like for Sage. Who came for him? What is it like to be welcomed back home? Was he happy to leave or was he sad? Did he suffer or did he die peacefully? So many unanswered questions? The feeling in his room is so peaceful. I try to imagine all the Angels and Spirits that were in his room. It is only then that I can let the peace come and let go of the anger.

The past few months I have slowly been going through his room. I have taken it one item at a time. Just like I have to take this journey of grief one minute at a time, I have taken his room apart one item at a time.

I have been able to clean out the dresser and closet. Today I cleaned out his crib. The dresser under the crib and the drawers next to the crib. I took off the remaining crib bedding and removed the mattress. One of the hardest things to pack away was all of the clothes that still had tags on them. Things he never got to wear.

I felt the waves of grief roll in and crash down around me. I hit my knees holding onto the rails of the crib just sobbing. You know, the cry that comes that nearly almost kills you. You think during this kind of cry that at any moment your heart will finally stop beating because it hurts too bad. Some how you breathe and you get to the next moment.

Once again I sent up a small prayer and turned and walked away from the room. Wishing that I did not have to know or understand how badly this hurts. I went down stairs and made adorable little Kerr jars full of hard candy. A jar for each one of the kids. Then I thought...oh please Heavenly Father don't let one of them choke and die on a piece of hard candy. I decided not to give them the candy. We made Popsicles instead.

Doc

2010-04-27T21:33:00.000-07:00

Friday we had an ultra sound and Dr.'s appointment. The tech was able to get wonderful shots of our new Baby Sister! All of us are really excited and look forward to her arrival.

I had a different Dr. at this appointment, a Dr. I had never met. I sat on the little table, on a sheet of tissue paper waiting. Dr. Goodman finally toddled in the room. He was a really old man and I was shocked that he still practiced medicine. He brought with him, his own medical bag and pulled out his stethoscope. He listened to my belly and told me that baby sounded wonderful and that everything looked great. A few minutes later he said but, your an old vet like me! He asked me about my children and kept pushing about each child's age and gender. I got to Sage and decided to share that he had passed away.

The Dr. sat there holding my paper work in his old hands and tears just poured from this old mans eyes. He looked up at me and just cried. He said that he had read that in my charts. He said he sat in his office and prayed that he would be able to share some of the wisdom he had gained over his many years. He said he has been delivering baby's a long time and it kills him every time a patient of his looses a baby to still born, SIDS, or other complications. He talked about how each baby and mother made him think about his love for Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. He said each death makes him step back and think about his own Testimony and what he truly believes.

He shared the love he has for our Savior Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. He told me that he knows without a doubt that only a loving Heavenly Father would make it possible for all of us Mothers to be with our babies again. He feels that we are special even though, we don't feel so special! I cried, I was so thankful for this old man and that he took the time to share his Testimony with me. I left the OBGYN office feeling thankful that Heavenly Father puts people in my life at just the right moments. I am thankful the Dr. took care of my physical well being as well as my spiritual well being!

Here is "baby sister" at 21 weeks. She is 15 ounces and healthy. She kept putting both of her feet right up over her face! I had never seen that before! All of us are so happy that she is coming to our family!

How do you plan your baby's funeral?

2010-04-18T20:27:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I was digging in all of our piles of unopened mail from the past year. When I came across this piece of paper. At first I chucked into the trash pile then, I picked it up and realized what it was. This is the piece of paper I planned Sages funeral on.

I remember deciding at some point I needed to be the one to do this, that no one else could do this for me. I remember falling to my knees and just praying that somehow I would know how too plan my Son's funeral.

I grabbed a piece of plain white computer paper and started planning.

This is where it gets sad/comical however you decide to view it. For me I truly realize just how out of it I really was.

1. Presiding Bishop Borgous...he has been my Bishop for a long time...I spelled his last name wrong.

2. opening prayer Richard prayer

3. Be still my soal...spelled wrong again...never even heard the song just came to my mind...even at the funeral I did not know one word to the song.

4.life sctech...spelled wrong...I felt so bad asking my mother to do this for me...she was more out of it than me I think. I knew that no one knew my little man better than my Mother knew him. She had to be the one.

5. Children sing musical...I crossed that off for some reason...I guess the kids would not feel up to singing.

6. Lords Helaman...the correct title to that song is "We'll Bring the World His Truth".

7. Dad give talk...I was surprised Dad called and said I am talking at that boys funeral...okay no arguments from me...was I shocked yes...my Dad is not a man to want to give a talk.

8. I crossed out Musical #...some lady I called said thanks but no thanks!

9.President Rothisberger...I thought if this man talks then this must be true and not a joke so I crossed him off the list as well.

10. post.Howard.post...he had been my Bishop for many years before I got married. I knew that he had lost a son named Wyatt...I needed him to talk.

11. good be we meet agane...it should have said..."God Be With You Till We Meet Again".

12. clothing remarks...closing remarks??

13. prayer JIM clothing prayer Jim Reidhed...Jim is my uncle...I spelled my Maiden name wrong...Reidhead...and I guess all I could think about was Sages burial clothing.

14. Cementary

15. Lunchin

16. Home to Silence..........

My Sister In Law Carolyn said she would be willing to make his programs. I called her or she called me and this is the piece of paper I used to describe to her over the phone the funeral plans. She asked if I wanted a musical # I said yes, she asked if I had any ideas. I gave her my one and only idea. She said I have that sheet music and I know just the perfect guy for the job. Some how Carolyn, Gary, Ellen and Debbie where able to come up with his program and life slide show. I think they both turned out to be so beautiful. I am so thankful she was in tune with the Spirit and was able to make the programs that I really wanted for my perfect little baby boy. Carolyn and Richard did so much me and my family. I will be forever grateful to them.
I pray that I never have to plan another child's funeral ever again.

Who knew I had so much to say!

2010-04-17T21:52:00.000-07:00

It hit me the other day that some people had no idea that I have another blog! It is our family blog. I enjoy writing things that are personal about Sage. He has a very special place in my heart and I like coming here to visit memories of him and make new ones. I have tried so hard to keep living and doing things for my 4 living children. Keeping the other blog helps me stay focused on them and not continually focused on the one that has gone before them. They are my here and now.

Let Them Be Little

My Mother has also kept her own blog...she loves to talk about my family in her blog as well! You can not read my story with out keeping up with Moms story! I have an amazing Mother to say the least!

Lizard's Roost

Why I just thought to include my other blog is beyond me!

He Lives

2010-04-12T20:29:00.000-07:00

Among all the facts of mortality, none is so certain as it's end. Death comes to all. It is our universal heritage.

It may claim its victims in infancy or youth. It may visit in the period of life's prime. It's summons may be deferred until the snows of age have gathered upon the head. It may befall as the result of an accident, or disease, or through natural causes. But, come it must. It inevitably represents the painful loss of association. And particularly, in the young, a crushing blow to dreams unrealized, ambitions unfulfilled, and hopes vanquished."

-President Thomas S. Monson

(Sunday AM session)

I know that death must and will come to us all! You just always hope and pray that it comes when snow has gathered on your head! I remember everyday what it felt like to have Sage here one day and the next he was gone. I remember the weight of his living body and how well it moved before he died. The next morning when I saw him. I knew instantly that his spirit was no longer residing in his perfect little body. I can recall all to well how heavy his broken body was. How he could not hold up his head...or open his eyes...or move his toes...all the things I most desperately wanted him to do. I know this will sound morbid but, dead is dead. I truly believe that Satan wants us to believe without a doubt that death is it. Dead is dead, ashes to ashes and dust to dust. I feel this little 9 oz baby moving and kicking me and she is alive! I know that she was alive before she came to our family! Therefore, I know that even in death she will live again! I know what death looks like, how those haunting images come at the drop of a hat. I want to testify today, that Jesus Christ broke the bands of Death. He loves us enough to break the band that is on Sages body. I know that one day I will hold my perfect precious son again. I know that his broken body will heal and he will be made whole. I know that Jesus Christ lives. I know that he loves me. I know that our beloved Prophet Thomas S. Monson is a man of God.

In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen

Crystal

Signs from Heaven are for the Birds!

2010-04-06T12:49:00.000-07:00

I called Sage my little bird or my baby bird. He wanted to nurse all of the time and he just reminded me of a baby bird. On our vacation we spent 3 days walking around zoos and we saw many beautiful birds. Well shortly after Sage passed away our family noticed that birds where coming to our family in weird ways that had never come to us before. I wish I took the time to write all of the stories down. At first I thought we where just reaching for a glimpse of something and hoped it was Sage sending us birds. After, so many "strange bird encounters" we have decided that it really is Sage sending us birds every once in a while.

I will just name a few... While rearranging the kids room a humming bird flew right into the upstairs bedroom window flew around the room appearing to look around. It flew right up to my nose as if to say looks good and flew right back out the window.

One afternoon William and Wayne found a big exotic bird just hanging out on the front lawn. Sister Scow told them the name of the bird and it flew away.

Spencer and I were sitting in our monthly grief counseling session. The windows behind our counselor go from the floor to ceiling. He had the mini blinds pulled up. While he was talking and being very serious and sad a Road Runner ran right up to the window and was looking in the room staring right at Spencer and me. We started laughing hysterically. We never told the guy that we think Sage sends us birds....

Late one night we pulled into the walmart parking lot. When we got to the front door we noticed a man and woman holding two large parrots! I got to hold the green and yellow parrot. It bent its head down and picked up the "Sage necklace" around my neck and held it in its beek. The other parrot was an all white parrot named Celeste. The weird thing about this bird encounter was I secretly told Heavenly Father I know Sage is sending us birds. If it is really him....then I want him to send me a green and yellow parrot.....I want to hold it. I even bought a magnet for our fridge with the parrot I wanted to be sent to me. I cried and cried I knew without a doubt he sent me my parrot. I know you are never supposed to ask for signs from Heaven, but Heavenly Father only confirmed to me what we already knew to be true!

I could go on and on about the many times Sage has sent us a bird. Last night was the all time best and I think I have not laughed so hard since Sage left.

Wayne and Trey walked out the back door holding a red butterfly net and a water gun. "Mom Sage is going to send us a bird.....Trey is going to catch it in his butterfly net and Wayne is going to squirt the bird with the water gun"! In my most okay what ever just get out from underneath my feet your driving me crazy Mom voice I told them to go outside and wait for their Sage bird to come.....

WELL about 30 minutes go by and all of a sudden I hear loud squealing noises and loud laughter. The boys come running towards the back door. SMILES ear to ear.....Mom SAGE SENT US A DUCK! I look out the window and to my surprise there is a big Mallard duck roaming around my back yard! Wayne was squirting it as fast as he could and Trey was running around it trying to catch it in his red butterfly net! I laughed at the site and tears poured down because, I felt like Sage was saying come on Mom you have to laugh today! We laughed all night and all day today! Keep in mind I live in the Desert, farm lands. The houses that live right next to me call there housing area the DUST BOWL! Yes I have seen ducks here at the parks around the lakes and golf courses but never a duck just coming to hang out in my back yard! I ran to grab my camera, but it flew away.

I pray that Sage keeps sending my family birds! My Mother, cousin, brothers, sisters and Visting Teachers all have had their own bird encounters over the past year so they know I am not crazy when I say Sage sent us another bird!

Sage's Garden

2010-04-05T22:07:00.000-07:00

As most of you know a few days before Sage passed away we spent a couple of days together as a family in San Diego. It was spring time and all of the flowers were in bloom! The night before Sage passed away we spent the last hours of his life walking around the garden department at Home Depo. I picked out a special flower bush for each child. You can read the rest of the story here...The Day Sage passed away.

I sorta laugh when I think about things......well I only laugh about one thing....Sister Bourgeous, my Bishops wife, asked me the day Sage passed away, "Is there anything we can do for you?" Why Yes! I have a bunch of flowers in the back of my van that need to be planted in my back yard. This is where I tend to giggle remembering her face and reply, "Umm yes Honey we will get them out of the van and they will not die". I think about that request and giggle. She was probably thinking, hello crazy lady....your baby just passed away and your worried about your yard?

Over the past year I have spent countless hours in my backyard. I think I have offered up thousands of prayers while in my back yard working on Sages garden. I work and spend time thinking about my little guy. I love the Spirit of peace and comfort that I feel when ever I look out the window and see his garden.

I think about how much these plants have grown in the past year. I look at how beautiful they have become! I saw in my mind the night before Sage passed away, the vision of what my yard could become with alot of hard work and dedication. The Lord sees me as I can become and he is helping me grow into the Daughter of God he knows I can be. I still have many more countless years of hard work ahead of me both in the yard and in Spirit. I know that I can and will become the beautiful Daughter that he intended me to be in the beginning.

We planted another tree this year on the day we buried Sage. I look forward to watching this tree grow and develope over the next couple of years. If Sister B. is wondering no, none of my plants died that where sitting in the back of the van! They have all lived and become so beautiful to look at!

Remembering

2010-03-25T18:48:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe it's been one year since Sage passed away. You hear from other's how difficult that anniversary can be and then you find out just how hard it is. Crystal and Spencer spent countless hours discussing how they should spend March 19th and they new that if they stayed home they would be sad and depressed. So for the sake of their children they chose to take everyone on a trip to California/Disneyland. The kids were happy that day and it was nice to see smiles on their faces. William had a more difficult time and he told Crystal how he would think, "Sage would have liked this ride" and he finally concluded that Sage would have liked the Winnie the Pooh ride the best.

For me I didn't expect this huge wave of depression that seemed to envelope me like some toxic cloud. I would find myself thinking, "Well today was the last day I spent with him last year and we were doing such and such." Then I would look at the clock and think, "Crystal was putting him to bed for the last time". We burried him one year ago today and all day long I would tick away the time and remember what we were doing last year. "I was waiting for his body to arrive at the church or I was watching my daughter tenderly wrap him in a blanket and close the lid to the casket or I would be speaking at his funeral and then finally we would be at his graveside. It's hard...much harder than I thought.

There is a quote on my blog that reads, "There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were" ~Dwight D. Eisenhower This quote is so very true. Things will never be the same again. We are forever changed by the life of one little boy and the pain of his absence is felt daily. We are trying not to be sad but instead to move on with Faith and Happiness.

I have a rock I bought just days after Sage died. I found it in the garden department at JoAnn's. It's a rock with the name "Sage" engraved on it. I nearly always have it with me. It reminds me that Sage is with me always that he is never really far away. So I started having fun with my little Sage Rock and started photographing it. We took "Sage" with us on vacation.

Here he is at the beach in Oceanside, California

Disneyland

by the Merri-Go-Round

By the Dumbo Ride

Now to take you back in time...

Here is William with his buddy "Woody"

Will and Wayne with their "Woody"

Woody and Trey

Jayden and Woody's side kick "Jessy"

Jayden Sharing her "Jessy Doll" with Baby Sage

We love Toy Story! It holds a special place in our family's heart.

We were so excited to see Woody and Jessy and they were very touched to get to hold "Sage's Rock" on his Angel Day.

The morning of the 19th we had a family prayer and released balloons in Sage's Memory

The next three pictures shows the Love of a brother...William really misses Sage

This past year has not been easy...in fact it has been Hell. I mean if you think about it Heaven is getting to be with your loved ones so part of Hell must be having to live without them right?

Crystal is amazing and very strong but she is still hurting and many people just see the "Mask" that she puts on every day so people around her won't be uncomfortable. She is hurting and even angry and finds it hard to wake up everyday and face another day without her son.

I questioned the wisdom of our decision to "Vacation" on Sage's Angel Day Anniversary. Was it hard...YES..Crystal had a complete melt down right there on Main Street at Disneyland waiting for the parade to start. People walking by wondering why this woman is sitting on the sidewalk in tears. Or how upset she was at Disneyland Adventure Park. My heart breaks for her and Spencer everyday.

But for whatever reason this is a trial their family...our family...has to endure. We have seen many changes for the good because of Sage and we try to hang on to those positive changes.

It would be easy to just give into the anger and then I remember our Heavenly Father and the sacrifice he made when he watched his Son, Jesus Christ, suffer and die on the cross for our sins. I'm sure he had to keep focusing on the good that would come from his sons death too.

What a glorious day it will be when all mothers are reunited with their children...when this Hell will be over and only Peace, Love and Happiness will exhist.

I miss and Love you Sage...Love Grandma

Mommy your Beautiful

2010-02-19T20:58:00.000-08:00

My baby Brother Royal is getting married in 2 weeks. I decided that I needed to take some time and take care of myself. I went to the eye Dr. got fitted for new contacts and glasses. I got my hair highlighted and cut. My eyes brows and upper lip waxed. I also bought some new makeup and a new shirt to wear to the Bridal shower. Aunt RaLee painted my toenails. It felt nice taking care of myself. Spencer watched all of the kids so I could go and have some fun.
When I walked into the house all dolled up, William wrapped his arms around me and started crying. I said honey what is the matter? He said Mom you look so beautiful! You look like the Mommy I used to have before Sage died! I of course started crying. I know that I have not taken care of myself these past 11 months. I have not cared about what I looked like. Spencer and I have been in survival mode. I know that I will never be that same Mommy ever again. But it meant the world to me to have my Son tell me I looked beautiful to him. I felt a ray of hope that maybe some part of the old Crystal is somewhere in there. I have looked so worn out and tired. I looked on the outside how I was feeling on the inside. I still have a long ways to go before I feel better on the inside, that will take much longer than a good makeover. That part is on the Lord's time.

My Shoes

2010-01-29T20:57:00.001-08:00

People always say don’t judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. I think this is so true. I walk past people and I wonder what heartache have they faced in their lifetime? What thing has brought them to their knees? I look at the world so very differently now. I wonder about other peoples stories. I wonder what kind of shoes they are wearing? I have learned not to judge people, you never know what kind of shoes they might be walking around in. I am thankful for my Savior Jesus Christ, I know that he has walked in all of our shoes and I know he understands the unseen pain that each heart holds. I know that only he understands what it is like to wear my shoes. He was the only one willing to wear them for me.

Would you walk in my shoes?

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes,
Uncomfortable shoes,
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that i do not think i can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other’s eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some people are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don’t hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No-one deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger person - apparently.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a parent who has lost a child.

Baby Brothers

2010-01-19T19:48:00.001-08:00

I would be lying to you and myself if I said that the 19th of each month is not hard for me. The 17th of the month I think…….he would have been….so many months old today. Then the 19th of the month I have a million more thoughts begin to flood in.
It started with I can’t believe he has been gone for 1 month. Wow one month. Where did the month go? 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 months gone longer than he was here, 9 months, today marks 10 months.
I think to myself I have every right to have a party in my family’s honor on the 19th of every month! 10 Months closer to being with Sage. 10 months we have stayed strong. 10 months we have held our family together. 10 months of pure gut wrenching heartache, but we are doing the hard things. 10 months of finding out what we really are made of. 10 months of my life that when I get back to Heaven, I know Heavenly Father will hug me and say well done! Today is one of those sad days where the tears find you and you cry.
I came home from car pooling and when I opened the garage door this is what I found! I was like those darn kids…..look at the mess they made now! Then I started laughing, my kids did not make this MESS they are in school! WHAT THE HEY???? Who did this??? I looked over and saw my Baby Brothers driving away from the scene of the crime! I just sat in my van, tears pouring down my face laughing my butt off!
All the women in my life have been wonderful! Plates of goodies, phone calls, texts, emails, service, and long talks. They have all helped but this…….for some reason, this helped me so much today! I guess even in your darkest hours you do not need to take life so SEROIUS! Sometimes it is okay to laugh and find the humor in the little things!
I am so thankful for my Little Brothers. The day Sage passed away they helped carry me. DJ, was in my bedroom when Sage’s little Spirit finally left his little body. DJ fought the police that kept interrogating Spencer and me. I know it was his way of trying to help. DJ does not like to talk about Sage at all. I know it is too painful for him. I know that he loves me and thinks the world of me and my family! The last day of Sages life was spent with Uncle Doy Jay eating at Burger King! I love you Doy Jay!
Royal, he came over almost every night that Spencer worked, those first couple of months afterwards. I had trouble sleeping, he would sit with me until I was finally able to go to sleep. He checked on the kids for me and let me talk about the hard things over and over again. Royal let me cry. Royal made sure Spencer was given a birthday party the day after Sage died. Royal did what I could not do for myself. I love you Royal.
I will never forget how I felt the last time I saw my Brothers hold Sage’s little body. How careful they were with him. I remember seeing grown boys turn into Men that day. I will forever be grateful for my Baby Brothers. So many times they have been there for me. So many times they have been the Big Brother and I the Baby Sister.
When it came time to pick pall bearers it was a difficult decision for us. So many Uncles, I knew all of them loved Sage and would be honored. I knew that none of them knew Sage the way Royal and Doy Jay did. Royal and Doy Jay each had changed his diapers, bathed him, carried his car seat for me, and given Sage nicknames. Royal called him “TANK”! Doy Jay called him his little “TATOR SPUD”! So we choose them to carry his casket along with both Grandpas. I stood still with tears swelling, when I saw my Baby Brothers carrying Sages casket. It is a feeling you will never understand until, you see 4 men carrying such a tiny casket and showing so much love and respect for the tiny rider inside. I carried Sage for 9 months, the world held him for 8 months 2 days and my Baby Brothers carried him the rest of the way for me. I will be forever grateful that they did this for me. I wonder if they stop to think they are the last ones that held this tiny perfect little baby boy? I think they do.
So today when my baby brothers rearranged my garage I laughed harder than I ever had and cried harder than I ever had. I am thankful for them and how much they love me! Spencer laughed and cried just as hard! The kids laughed all day long. My family needed a little laughter today!
Camping chairs with mop heads and bike helmets! For some reason I found this so funny!

Bikes up on jacks!

Upside down bikes!

Sages Grandpas and Uncles.

Sage Momma misses you today.

I Will

2010-01-17T09:10:00.001-08:00

Music has helped me endure the heartache that this path has taken me on. This song helps me feel like I have the power to determine how I am going to let this trial and tribulation effect me. I am thankful for good uplifting music that helps invite the Spirit into my heart. So today I will choose to be strong and live another day with hope in my heart.

Hilary Weeks has so many songs that will speak to your heart and bring the peace you are searching for.

Remembering Sage today…..

2010-01-09T19:30:00.001-08:00

One year ago today……

Sage had diaper rash on his little bottom. I layed him on the ground naked so I could air out his bottom. I guess he did not like how the blanket/carpet felt on his sensitive areas so he got up on his hands and knees for the first time!

Spencer and I were so excited for him! He was so proud of himself! I kept shaking my head at him saying “NO NO NO you don’t, your getting to big”! “You are supposed to be my baby”! Well he never did learn how to crawl he just learned to roll and drag himself where he wanted to go.

I remember him army crawling onto the kitchen floor and patting the tile on the floor! He would look up at me and grin! He thought he was being so funny! I remember the day he died Jorgi, a lady in my ward, was sweeping my floors. Then I noticed almost every time a big group of people came to the house, someone would grab the broom and start sweeping. This is what I remember every single time I sweep my kitchen floors. I cry every time I sweep. I remember good times, bad times and the service that people provided for me. So, if you come over and notice that I need to sweep trust me I don’t need to sweep that bad!

I remember getting ready to go to Sea World he just played in our big formal living room. Every time, I walked by he would lay sideways and just stare at me. Who knew he would die a week later? I wish I had just bent down and picked him up.

So I guess I got my wish….”NO NO NO you don’t, your getting to big”! I wonder how long I will have to wait till I get to see him grow and be a big boy? He is going to be my baby for a very long time.

I Can Only Imagine

2010-01-08T10:26:00.001-08:00

I cry every single time I hear this song. I can only imagine what that day will be like when I get to see his little face again. I imagine being at Mesa Cemetery and looking over and seeing Shirrell and Tim holding little Brandon. Becky and Tommy holding beautiful DeLanee. Brenda and Larry embracing Kenny. Kari and Skylar and Debra and Landon and Blades, Cori, and baby Kyndal. I know that there are many more that I look forward to seeing on that day. My heart will burst for them because I know how happy they all are going to be! I want to be there that day!
So yes some days you really do not feel like taking one more step, you want to crawl into a hole and cry but, you can not, you have to keep going. I live so that one day I will be worthy of that day! I can only imagine what that day will be like for all of us! I will be there that day! So today I will get up and move because I will be one day closer to that day! One day closer to seeing all of my tears wiped away and only having pure joy!

The Best Christmas Gift

2010-01-06T19:26:00.001-08:00

A few days before Christmas Spencer and I found out that we are expecting our 6th child.
The days, weeks, and months after Sage died, the thought of having another baby was out of the question. We were terrified and did not feel that we would ever be able to feel confident in our ability to take care of another infant again. I mean our baby died in his crib just down the hallway from us and we just slept right through it. The provide and protect feeling a Mother has for her child was gone.....
Over time my heart started to change. Soon I was wanting to have and hold another baby, not just any baby, my baby. Right after Saget died I could barely be around other babies in fact I was terrified of them. There was so much guilt on my part and the thought that I could accidentally hurt another innocent child was too much. After all I am the person who put Sage to sleep with a quilt. I should have known better. I know almost every person in the world puts their baby to sleep with a blanket and they never think that it could harm them. We don't even know for sure if the blanket caused his SIDS but Spencer found it wrapped around his head and that thought haunts us.
It was so hard seeing woman with their babies so happy and in love with them. For a very long time I thought Sage was taken because I was not a good mother……like I was being punished for being a bad Mom. I soon realized that I was not a bad Mother, in fact I realized that I am a good Mother……I loved my Baby as much as these women loved their babies. For some reason mine was called home…….so I would sit and hold their babies it was difficult because it was not my baby and I knew I had to give them back to their Mothers that loved them dearly. I felt that Heavenly Father must love these Mothers more than me because I was just as happy and in love with my baby and yet my baby was gone and I was heartbroken.
When a Mother loses a child so much guilt comes from the loss. I call them the shoulda, woulda and coulda’s! I have come to the conclusion that his passing was not my fault. That it was simply his time to go and Heavenly Father called him home. He was going to go no matter what blanket was in his crib.

Yesterday William came home from school put his arms around me and said, "Momma I missed you so much today!" Then he said that when the teacher asked each of his classmates what they got for Christmas, William said………My Momma is pregnant and I get to be a big brother to a new baby sister or brother! I had tears running down my cheeks……..nothing else mattered to him except the new baby that is on the way not the gifts it was the baby that mattered most to my little man.
William laid his head on my lap with his hand holding my belly. He talked in his baby voice for over an hour.
He told the baby everything that he thought Sage would be telling him or her in Heaven. He told the baby everything that his Momma would do when it got here.

give you baths
cuddle with you
play with you
read to you
take you to church
cook you yummy food and treats
take you to the dollar store
make you birthday cakes
tickle you
take pictures of you
get up in the morning even though Momma is not a morning person
wash your stinky socks and underwear
teach you cool stuff
make hair bows for you (he really wants a girl)
dress you up
protect you
love you
that she would have the best Momma on earth
that Momma knows everything and she can help you when your so sad and having a bad day
The list just went on and on…….He talked about what a good big brother he was going to be and that Sage would tell her all about our family and what a good time she will have here in our home!
I just sat there the entire hour with tears running down my face.
I needed to hear, more than anything, that I was a good Momma to my children.
I needed to hear about the things William thinks makes me a good Momma!
I sat and held my 1st born on my lap and thanked Heavenly Father for him. What would my life have been like if I did not have him in my life?
I felt the atonement of Jesus Christ healing me just a little bit more yesterday afternoon.
I felt that Sage was with us for that moment in time confirming to my heart that the things that William said was true!
Even though I am terrified to be around a sleeping baby. I know that this baby is bringing healing, comfort, and joy to our family.
I look forward to holding my baby in my arms.
I know it will never take the place that, Sage has taken in our family circle but, it will take an important place in our circle!
I look forward to a new life and new beginnings!

William has been through his own journey of grief. He is a very tender hearted little boy. There have been many times that he has cried so hard for so many hours. I have learned how to try and help him but it hurts so bad as a parent to see your child in pain and you know that there is nothing you can do to help that child. William misses Sage so much. He always gives me hugs and asks me if I am okay today with Sage being gone.

William refused to let me tuck him into bed at night for almost 7 months after Sage died. He was scared that I would tuck him in the same way I tucked Sage in. That in itself was a difficult trial to bare. I mean a kid should feel safe letting his mother tuck him into bed. It is hard to explain SIDS to a child, when us as adults do not understand how a perfectly healthy child can simply just not wake up in the morning. I did not force the situation. I just said that when he was ready I would love to tuck him into bed. One night he just let me and I cried…………………….
William and I have both come a long ways and we are healing together. I have had to teach my children how to grieve in the boundaries the Lord has created for us. I have taught them that it is okay to laugh, love and trust Heavenly Father even when it is hard.
Will and Sage

Butterfly Release

2009-12-27T00:35:00.000-08:00

William saw a commercial on TV advertising a Butterfly Pavilion. He wanted it so he could watch the butterflies emerge from a cacoon and release them and watch them fly away. Crystal and Spencer bought the Butterfly Pavilion for William and gave it to him for his 9th birthday.

When they were ready to be released he asked if he could "give them to Sage" so we went to the cemetary so Sage could watch the butterflies fly. December 10, 2009

William carefully helped each butterfly from the cage

Wayne

Trey

Jayden and Daddy

This butterfly kept landing on my hand.

I couldn't help but notice how some of the butterflies continued to linger around the family and Sage's grave.

You can't see it but one is on a branch to the left of the children and one is in the floral ornament hanging in the tree...

It is resting in the "Y" of the branches

Then some lingered in the flower arrangment Crystal made for his headstone.

If you have been following our family blogs you have read about Jayden's "Bear". Bear is her most treasured possesion he goes everywhere with her. She always lays Bear on Sage's headstone so he can "Play" with him. When she learned she was going to see Sage she wrapped Bear up to give to Sage for Christmas and placed him on the headstone.

She later unwrapped Bear for Sage...she is such a sweet heart!

The family gathered for family prayer and I noticed the butterfly flew from the tree and landed on Crystal. It made me cry...it was such a spiritual experience.

Personal Effects

2009-12-17T21:18:00.000-08:00

The morning Sage passed away detectives, as per standard procedure, took his personal effects. The blankets in the crib, pajama's he was wearing and his favorite toy that he slept with. We were told they would be returned, via mail, once the investigation was closed. I worried and even had nightmares about the day one of the kids would go to the mailbox and find his things. My gut told me it would be Christmas time I just prayed it wouldn't be on one of the 5 birthday's we have in December. His things didn't come by mail, as expected, instead they called and we were asked to collect them on the 17th. It is the Holiday Season and it's the day before Crystal's 30th birthday but not on her birthday so we were thankful for that.

We had so many people praying for us and we could feel that...it gave us strength and we even had a bit of a miracle, if you will, a very spiritual experience that I would like to share.

Amanda, Crystal's sister, makes a quilt for each of her nieces and nephews when they are born. William's "Frog" blanky is his favorite. In fact each of the kids formed an attachment to their blanket that Aunt Amanda made. Amanda was expecting her first child and had a quilt on the frame for her own baby when Sage passed away. The quilt remains untouched on the frame. Why? Because when Spencer found Sage in his crib the quilt Amanda made covered his face and we have wondered if it contributed to his SIDS. Amanda feels guilty. We have all told her it wasn't her fault. It was Sage's time to go if not that quilt then another. At least it was with a quilt that was made with love by someone who loved him. Crystal is also grateful because it wasn't a store bought quilt. It's difficult for her to go to church or the store and see someone with the same diaper bag, toy, outfit or blanket as Sage had. It would have been very hard to see a baby with the same blanket he passed away with. Instead it was a "one of a kind".

The night before Sage died Crystal sat on the couch and visited with William about the scouting program. He was excited to be receiving some awards at the upcoming banquet and they were making plans to work on projects for more badges. When Sage was done nursing she carried him upstairs and put him to bed.

This morning when we arrived at the appointment we saw a young man in the lobby in his scout uniform. He was delivering home made Quilts/blankets. He told us it was his Eagle Scout project and that the quilts were to be given to children of domestic violence. He had hoped for 50 quilts but said, "It just exploded! I got 150!"

Crystal and I just looked at each other. She said mom it's a boy scout! The last thing I did was nurse Sage while I talked to William about the scouting program. His Eagle project was home made quilt's for children!

We didn't receive his stuff by mail as we were told. We ended up not picking them up at the coroners office but instead at the County Sherriff's Office. On the same day and time as this young Eagle Scout. We couldn't help but feel that Heavenly Father and Sage intended for all of us to be there at that particular time.

Many people had made quilts out of love for children as did Aunt Amanda for her nephew. Crystal has thought many times since Sage passed that she wished she had known it would be the last time she would hold and nurse him. She said she would have given all of her attention to him instead of working on scouts. Sage was letting her and Aunt Amanda know it was okay...all was as it should have been.

The woman came out with Sage's things. They were sealed in a brown box marked Evidence- 3-19-09. Then the items were wrapped in plain brown paper. She said, "First off let me offer my heartfelt condolences". Then she asked if we wanted her to open the box or if we just wanted to take it home. Crystal looked to me and I said, "Lets open it and make sure it's Sage's". Crystal and Spencer agreed and the box was opened. It was Sage's.

We also received a copy of the police report. There were some things that the Police/Detectives wrote in their report that was nice. Such as, "The home was full of family, friends, and neighbors expressing condolences" and "the home was neat and orderly with the furnishings well taken care of". They commented on each of the rooms and of course Sage's nursery. They made note of his sailboat nautical theme and how nice his room was. Then they said, "the quilt covering the baby appears to be hand made". The way it was worded by the officer gave the impression that he was impressed that his quilt was hand made. Of course there were things that were very hard to read and the detail of the report brought back the memory of that day. Not that we can ever forget.

We were surprised to see the little orange giraffe. We didn't know it had been in his crib with him.

Today was difficult but we could feel the Spirit of the Holy Ghost giving us strength and comfort every step of the way. Thank you to friends, family and strangers that have prayed for my family. I truly believe one day we will all be in Heaven and we will be shown every prayer by everone that has petitioned the Father on our behalf and all the blessings we received because of those prayers will be made known.

Sage on the quilt Aunt Amanda made

The Christmas Spirit

2009-12-15T14:31:00.000-08:00

The Christmas Spirit

I would be lying if I did not confess that I am struggling this Christmas Season. This is a growing and learning process for me. Even though I do not fully understand the all of this. I know that one day I will. If I keep my broken heart on what really matters. I have to keep telling myself "The Lord knew best and took him home". I feel that in your darkest hours of your life, you need to praise Heavenly Father. Sometimes I question "Does Heavenly Father really love me"? I mean, if he really loves me he would not let me hurt this bad. You would think he would come and take all of this pain away right? That is what any good, kind and loving Father would do right? Well he did send someone to come and take all of this suffering away. He sent his only begotten son Jesus Christ to this world to take away my suffering and pain. I pray that I can remember the gift that my Heavenly Father has given to me and all of you.

My wise Mother shared her thoughts and wisdom with me today. She keeps me literally out of the looney bin. My Momma keeps answering her phone and for that I am grateful!! My Momma also knows that I am not handling this so well. That I am not as strong as I appear to be. My Momma needs to know I love her and I am blessed to have her as my Mother!

Bags of Bows

2009-12-13T21:35:00.001-08:00

One of my family traditions that I started back when William was a baby, was to buy a huge bag of bows and dump them on the ground at the base of the Christmas tree. I have done this every year that I have a crawling baby or toddler in the house. The babies love to play with the bows! They leave the Christmas tree alone and they play with the bows all season long. As silly as this sounds this tradition is what I am missing alot this year. A baby/toddler playing with a bag of bows. Every time I see a bag of bows I want to cry. I thought about buying a bag for the heck of it but, that would just be self torture. I am missing a bag of bows………family traditions and memories do not have to cost much too mean the world to you.

This is a picture of Trey, as a baby playing with his bag of bows. I never got a picture of Sage with his bag of bows he was too little last year………..so I look at pictures of Christmas’s past and remember the memories I made with my other children.

One Day

2009-12-09T14:51:00.001-08:00

Lately, I have been writing when I feel like I am literally in the dumps. Today I wanted to talk about the “Good days” that come on this journey of grief. Good days start with hearing that all of my children are wide awake……yelling screaming and hungry! I used to dread morning time……..now I am just so happy that they all woke up in the morning! I look out my window and for some reason I look to see if my Savior Jesus Christ came while I was sleeping………….nope not today, so I get up and start the day.
On most good days, I listen to good uplifting music and I have peace in my heart. I feel like this is okay, I feel like Sage is gently pushing me along saying MOMMA you have to get things done around here! Momma, its okay to laugh and enjoy the kids you have. I feel the comfort of the gospel all around me. I feel like I am holding tight to the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I dig deep down and I know this is what my Heavenly Father had planned for me. Some days, I feel strong, I feel like I can do this, I feel like I can handle this and that it is okay. Other days, I am happy for Sage and glad he is serving the Lord.
Everyday, I have to trust my Heavenly Father more than I did the day before. I have to trust him and his plan for me. Everyday my life moves on and I live and I laugh and I love. I look for the Joy that is in each moment and hold to it!
Everyday, I thank my Heavenly Father for all of my very many blessings! I even thank him for Sage! I ask him to take care and watch over Sage just as much as he watches over us! I tell Heavenly Father everyday to give Sage a hug from me, or give him our family hand shake that only we know!
Other days, the bad days are not so pretty. that is okay too. This was not meant to be easy or it would not be worth it.
I never forget that Sage is gone not for one second. That thought is always there lingering in the back of my mind. Every second of everyday I have to choose how I am going to handle it.
So I think I am making good choices everyday. I think I am doing okay. I am a talker and I have to talk about him and how I am feeling or I might just blow up! Maybe one day and I hope someday I do not have to talk so much about this and talk about other things.
Every day I have a perfect faith that one day all of this will be worth it. One day I will understand the why’s of all of this. One day this will make sense. Until then, I will get up each morning and look out the window and wait patiently for my Savior Jesus Christ to come and wipe away all my tears.

Skylar Stock

2009-12-08T22:02:00.000-08:00

Tree Falls, Kills Sleeping Tempe Firefighter - Phoenix News Story - KPHO Phoenix

Erin Stock is one of my best friends. She has helped me so much with the passing of Sage. Erin and her sister Lyndsay have done so much for me these past 9 months. I found out today that Skylar Stock, Erin and Lyndsay's brother was killed late Monday night in a tragic accident. My heart is broken for this family. I keep checking facebook over and over to see if this is really true. It is so strange how one minute someone is here then the next minute they have gone back home. I hope and pray that I can be there for my friends the way they have been there for me.

I am so sad and tears just keep falling for my friends. Heart broken for them. I keep praying for them and I want them to know I love them. I just have to believe that Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us..........because, if I did not believe and KNOW WHAT I KNOW TO BE TRUE.........this life would be more than I could take.

Christmas Jammies

2009-12-07T22:41:00.001-08:00

Everyone keeps telling me that memories are a wonderful thing to have and hold onto. I almost hate memories they haunt you whether they are good or bad.

I have a difficult time looking at his Christmas pictures with all of his gifts. I think, look at some of the outfits he never got to wear………Look at the toys that he was too little to play with and are still sitting in his room unopened never to be played with.

The worst part of these pictures………breath…….hold back tears……..you never think the Christmas Jammies you dress your little guy in will later become, the same Jammies that he will die in. Your brain tends to remember the dramatic, horrible, and gut wrenching stuff more than, it likes to hold onto the good ole days. These pictures bring back many bad memories along, with some good. Maybe one day I will look back at these pictures without vomiting in my mouth.

I realize that I probably share to much of my real thoughts and feelings. I do not care……I am hurting and struggling to be okay with this. I know that other people have harder trials but, this is hard for me. All I can say is I am trying my best everyday to be okay with this. All Heavenly Father asks is we try our best. So everyday I try to carry on and live the best life I know how.

I miss my baby this Christmas season. The thing that helps is reading Luke 2 everyday, praying, and crying all the time. I try to think about what Christmas might be like in Heaven? What does the choir sound like there? I wonder what kind of traditions they have in Heaven? I try to be happy for him, he gets to celebrate Christmas with Jesus Christ…………….this brings more meaning to the words…………peace…………..joy…………….glory………………that has to beat my Costco nativity set any day!

I lost myself…..

2009-12-01T21:06:00.001-08:00

I came across these pictures today. I had ten thousand thoughts running through my head. Look how happy I was to have these 4 children! These 4 children were my entire world! Look how happy I used to be with these 4! Look, they used to have a good, happy, healthy Mom! I wonder if I will ever be truly happy again here on earth? I am so grateful I still have these 4 children but it is harder now to be a Mother. My heart is broken and yes they help heal it everyday. I feel like they deserve a better Mother……not a broken, tired, run down, and sad Mother. I really do not feel like I am living. I have check list a mile long of obligations that I have to finish before I die. Each day I check some off. That is no way to live or raise a family. Hopefully one day I will find that I am living and having fun. I want to find this Mother again someday. Hopefully when the old Mom and the new Mom meet she can be better than she ever was before! Tonight I am mourning the loss of myself, I look in the mirror and I hardly recognize the person staring back at me. I miss being truly happy and living my life. It is hard to live when you feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and ran over by a semi truck. Little by little I will come back but I will never be the same again. I miss her, I miss me. My Mother said she felt like she lost her child that horrible day as well. I was 2 months pregnant with Sage……I had heaven on Earth.

Selfishness

2009-11-30T18:39:00.001-08:00

Dear Sage,
I do not know how else to say this…I am struggling more and more each day. You think the first couple of months would be the hardest but, for me they were the easiest.
Like I said, I am struggling right now. I am the type of person that would give you the shirt right off of my back. I can think of numerous times in my life where I did just that…..gave all I could give of myself, my time, energy, talents and wealth. I even donated my hair to locks of love. The very act of carrying a baby is selfless. You give up everything to be a mother. I am not trying to toot my own horn but, I did and still do all of these things because I love it! I love doing things for other people because, I love to see the happiness it brings to their life! I have always considered myself an unselfish person. I truly feel that most of the worlds problems are based around selfishness. Most people love themselve's more than anything or anyone else.
Much to my dismay I have discovered that I am a very selfish person. My Heavenly Father has showed me one of my many weaknesses. Selfishly I want you here on earth with our family. I want to hold you and love you. I know deep down inside that it was your time to go. Selfishly, I do not care, I want you here. Selfishly I do not care that you are in Heaven and things are perfect. I would selfishly keep you here not for your good but I would keep you here for me. Selfishly, I would keep you here for my own happiness and not yours. I sound like the worlds worst mother.
If my Heavenly Father came down and gave me a choice to let you stay with him in Heaven or come back home to us here on earth. I know deep down I would let you stay where you are……………..I realize you were never mine to begin with, children are a loan from the Lord.
So with all of my many acts of service, I did them all out of love for the other person. I knew it was what they wanted and it made them happy. I pray everyday that I will not be selfish. Sage, you can go and I will stay and strive daily to not be selfish. You were one of my greatest service projects. I pray that I will continue to serve and love others as much as I love you. I pray that my weakness will be made strong……….I pray that I will learn to love you more than I love myself and let you go………
God so loved the world he gave his only begotten Son……..I am not comparing myself to Heavenly Father at all but, I have a much clearer under standing of just how unselfish Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ were…….how much they loved us.

Thankful

2009-11-25T22:39:00.001-08:00

This was a picture I took of myself last Thanksgiving….we were on our way to my Mom’s house to eat! I was so excited and felt so blessed. I had a wonderful husband who loved me more than words could say and I had a van full of little children! Healthy, beautiful, happy, little children. We had enough food to feed a small army! Spencer and I had just enough money in the bank to provide Christmas for our family! We had been sealed in the Temple for all ETERNITY! We truly had Heaven right here on earth! I truly felt blessed beyond measure!
Who knew that my little bubble was ticking away and that is was about to burst. I look at this picture and part of me wishes I could go back in time and truly enjoy each and every second of my life more but, I look at this picture and I know that I was enjoying my life! I was thankful for all of my blessings!
This year I am going to get dressed up and put on my fake it till I make it face and try my hardest to be happy and Thankful for all of my very many blessings. I know that the Lord has blessed us beyond measure this year. I know he has carried me, when all I want to do is sit on my butt and dig my heals into the sand! He has pushed me to try harder and grow just a little bit more. My Heavenly Father has given me many gifts this year but, the greatest gift of all is an Eternal Family.
So no, little Sage will not be sitting in his little high chair tomorrow putting olives on all ten of his perfect little fingers! No, I will never know what Thanksgiving food he would like served on his plate. No, I won’t ever have all of my children around one dinner table and that kills me. I will always have an empty chair at my table every year and it hurts so bad.
Bishop Nevitt once told me that Mother hood is sometimes like a cactus, he said some times it hurts to be a MOTHER! Most, days I am proud to be Sages Mother but tonight and tomorrow it hurts. I pray that I will feel the much needed peace that I need to feel. I pray the Spirit of the Holy Ghost will be with me. I pray that my Heavenly Father will carry me these next couple of days so I do not feel the sting of the cactus.
I want Sage to know how much we all miss him…how hard we are working to be happy and enjoy each other to the fullest! How hard Daddy and me are pressing forward with faith and determination to be with you again someday.
Tomorrow, when every one is sitting around talking about all they are grateful for. I want my Heavenly Father to know that I love him no matter what. I see his hand in all he has done for me. I am Thankful for the truth. I am Thankful that I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Without all of my knowledge of all of these great and precious truths, I think being Sages Mother would hurt too bad…I would give up. I am thankful that I know that Death is not the end……..I am Thankful that I got to be Sage's Mother know matter how bad this hurts.

The Lion and the Lamb

2009-11-08T23:29:00.001-08:00

One week before Sage moved on to bigger and better things Spencer felt prompted to take our family on a vacation. We went to Sea World, San Diego Zoo, and the Wild Animal Park. We saw so many of our Heavenly Father’s amazing creations! We enjoyed our family to the fullest! I cried the entire time because, I felt so blessed to have so many blessings!

A few days later Sage passed away. I am so thankful that we had the opportunity to spend that time with Sage and all of the animals! I think about the creation of the world and all of the animals that were placed here for us to enjoy their beauty! When you lose something so dear to your heart it shakes you to the very core of who you are. Your testimony is so fragile yet so much stronger than ever before. One thing that strengthens my belief that there is a Loving Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ is the animals! Each and every one of them are proof that something greater than ourselves made all of these magnificent creatures! I can not help but view them all with out seeing the hand of my Father in Heaven! I also believe that Sage loves all of Gods creatures as well! He made sure we saw almost all of them before he left! When ever I hear the song of a bird, or see a Momma animal with her baby I think of Sage. I used to call Sage my Baby Bird because he was always nursing!
I look forward to the day that the Lion and Lamb will lay down together and a little child “SAGE” will lead them! Until that day I will just enjoy the beauty all around me. I will look at all of Heavens creations and know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ live and created this beautiful world for me! This song was sang at Sage’s funeral. I think it is perfect going along with all of the animals!

Meet My Friend

2009-11-06T22:42:00.001-08:00

I would like you to meet my best friend. His name is Grief. We met each other unexpectedly and became friends instantly. He follows me wherever I go. When I go to sleep at night he tucks me in and whispers in my ear, "I'll see you in the morning." When I awake surely he has held true to his promise and greets me with a frown. He frowns because he is sad he had to meet me. He is the most loyal friend in the world. You can forget him for a while and not even think about him and he is willing to return at the drop of a dime. Grief is unselfish though. When other friends are around, he takes a back seat. He is quieted by the chattering of my other friends. It's nice to have a break from Him. Sometimes he's unrelenting and can be a drag. Other times I am grateful he's my friend because when he's around I know I haven't Forgotten.
A while back he was my very best friend. Slowly other friends are taking his place and he doesn't visit as often. I have even made friends with Joy again. I thought I had lost her friendship forever. Joy is a good friend too. Hopefully one day I will be able to be as good friends with Joy as I was with Grief. Maybe one day we can all be friends and share the same heart. To live in the Joy of today, to remember the grief of yesterday and to love all of my tomorrows. When all three of us can attain the same heart, I know our new best friend will be peace."
-Michelle Krainich

I try everyday to find Joy and Peace in my journey. Spencer and I work so hard everyday to learn to live in our New Normal to laugh and cry and enjoy each and everyday of our new life. People have said to me you need to get over this and move on…….that life will go on. Thank you so much for your kind heartfelt words of encouragement and understanding. I am well aware that life goes on and my life has gone on. Like I said, we are working hard at learning to deal with such a loss.

I honestly feel that my Heavenly Father is cheering for me in Heaven daily! Spencer and I are moving on and living our lives to the fullest.
My only words I have to say to you, until “you” and you all know who “you are”………have to hold your lifeless baby in your arms, turn it over to the county, purchase a casket, watch as they lower him into the ground and bury that baby, please do not judge Spencer and me and tell us to just get over it and life goes on. We are on a Journey and we are enduring that Journey faithfully, peacefully, and joyfully until the very end. I hope and Pray that none of “you” ever have to meet my new friend Grief.

Happy Halloween Sage and Kenny

2009-10-31T22:03:00.001-07:00

Today we took the kids to Hobby Lobby and let them pick out some decorations for Sages and Uncle Kenny’s grave. They had fun and each thing they picked out was well thought out. It was very important to them that they picked out something very special for their baby Brother and Uncle Kenny.
As we walked around the cemetery as a family, I noticed some flowers had been blown over, so I bent down to pick them up and fix the headstone area. A few minutes later there was this man kneeling at the grave just sobbing. He walked up to our grave and said, “I speak very little English but, I just cried when I saw strangers taking care of my sons grave and taking the time to read his headstone”. I guess on holidays the man just sits in his truck and stays by his sons grave side all day. His son was 14 years old and hung himself. It was 10 years ago he is so heart broken. We sat with this man and talked to him for about an hour. He just kept saying this is so hard pointing to the ground. I have to agree this is so hard. He said I have faith but I do not understand. We sat and Mourned with those that Mourn today, he was so happy when we left him. I felt that we helped him today. When we were leaving I ran into my Visiting Teacher! I love Linda she is a good woman!

I love this photo because of Jayden. She is being so reverent and angelic looking as she looks at the grave of her baby brother that she misses so much. .

We bought foam letters and wrote Sages name on the empty space on Kenny’s headstone. We ordered Sages headstone about 2 weeks ago it will be done in about 6 weeks.

Daddy and Trey are decorating the grave.

I never thought in a million years I would watch my children grow up around a headstone of one of their siblings. Such a surreal feeling that this happened to us. We are good people…Heavenly Father is just testing our faith, we will not let him down.

Sage, Mommy and Daddy miss you so much.

Uncle Kenny we all miss you as well.
Have a Happy Halloween.

Empty Arms and Empty Nurseries

2009-10-29T20:09:00.001-07:00

Today started out as another "NEW NORMAL" day without Sage. I start with opening my eyes and remembering he is gone. I lay there making a mental list of all of my many blessings. It changes everyday but, I have to Thank my Heavenly Father for all of my blessing before my feet even hit the floor. I crawl out of bed and hit my knees praying for the strength that I need that day to live and keep breathing.

Today was a good day if you can even call them that. Spencer and I clipped our coupons and ran to Fry's while Trey was in school to go grocery shopping. We were able to refinance the house for a lower interest rate so we got to skip a house payment (TENDER MERCY) ! We decided to spend more on grocery's than usual to hopefully fill our pantry.

When we got to the register the little old lady checking us out asked "HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR FAMILY"? Ohh no the dreaded question. I hate this question. I can not bring myself to say 6 when I have 7. I still do not know how to answer the question gracefully. I decided to be honest with little old lady and tell her for some reason. I never really do, I just say 7 and drop it at that. I am glad that I prayed for added strength to help me get through the day.

I look at the little old woman and I say. "We have 7 in our family but our baby boy made his trip to Heaven a few months ago". The little old lady just stops what she is doing and asks, "Do you mind telling me how he died"? I said "He died of SIDS". Little old lady just starts crying......she goes I have lost four children FOUR children. Each baby was born a week to early, they lived a few days then died. This woman talked about coming home to empty nursery's time after time and how hard it was. She talked about the hurt, anger, pain, and deep sadness that a family feels. Little old lady talked about having EMPTY arms. I cried with her. I could not imagine losing 4 babies.

The little old lady taught me alot in 20 minutes.

I came home and hugged all 4 of my living babies! I held each one of them and thought about all the things that the Lord really has blessed me with. I again made a mental list and thanked Heavenly Father for all of my beautiful children.

The other thing I learned is that even though she is OLD she is still sad, heartbroken, hurting, yearning to hold her babies, and living through all of the pain and heart ache of it all.

Each heart holds its untold heart breaks. I would have never have guessed this little old, "cheerful" lady had lost 4 babies of her own. You never know the pain someone might be going through. Do not judge the book by its cover.

Little old Lady taught me that, it is okay to leave his Nursery, his things just as they are, until I am ready to deal with it. I wake up every day and this room sits at the top of the stairs completely empty, but yet so full of stuff. I have a few plans for some of the things.

Today was a good day....my pantry and heart are full. I love my Heavenly Father and his only begotten Son Jesus Christ. I know one day they will wipe away all of our hidden heart aches. We will be with our babies again. Even though I will never fully understand the Lords plan and will for me. Heavenly Father knows me and I just have to trust him and love him no matter what.

I will keep little old lady in my prayers. I will wave to her if I see her again because, I know that she knows how I feel about empty arms and empty nurseries.

What would I give?

2009-10-26T20:32:00.001-07:00

What would I give for just another ordinary day? The boys were playing in “Jayden’s” doll box! I thought it was cute so I took some pictures. I miss the mess and the baby playing at his big brothers feet. I miss these moments so much.

Sage,

Mommy is missing you more and more each day. I ache to hold you in my arms. My arms feel so empty and my heart is so sad. You sure are a handsome little fella! Your brother’s miss you as well. William cries almost everyday. Wayne prays that he will see you in his dreams. Trey knows that you are in Heaven with Jesus. Jayden thinks you are taking a very long nap. Daddy is heart broken and will not say much. This is so hard learning to live again in a world with out you in it.

I am however grateful that I know that one day I will get to hold you again and that not all hope is lost. I get jealous that you are there and I am here left waiting for time to slowly click by.

Sometimes I get angry at you! Yes, perfect innocent little you. You came and made all of us so happy! Then you just left us like a thief in the night! You left your Mommy with a huge mess to clean up! Everyone is sad, everyone is broken, and everything is never going to be the way it used to be.

Sometimes I wonder if you look down on me and I wonder what you think of me? Are you proud of me? Do you love me? Do you miss us as much as we miss you? Do you think I am handling this well?

Selfishly, I want you here. I know deep down your earthly mission was over and you needed to go home. I know he needs you more than we do, one day I will remember why?

I hope you know just how happy you made all of us. I hope you know we all miss you and look forward to a glorious resurrection! On that day, Selfishly I will hold, kiss and cuddle you! You will not be set down on the floor to play with a hot pink dolly! No, you will be on my hip, sitting in my lap and occupying my arms! I hope you enjoyed your walker, jumper and swing while you here because yet again you will not need them! My Mommy arms are aching to hold you! Sage we all miss you and can’t wait to see you again someday!

Love your,

Momma

Sunday will Come

2009-10-26T18:49:00.001-07:00

I love this video. I am thankful to know that Sunday will Come. One day I will be with my little boy again. I miss my little boy so much.

The White Rose: Sage Eldredge Memorial 5k

2009-10-23T10:22:00.001-07:00

Meet Sage’s Aunt Cindy Eldredge Campbell. Cindy is awesome! She is a wife, mom of three, active in her church and community, and her passion is fitness/running.

This is Cindy and her husband Keith with their three children.

Cindy has been working hard at organizing a 5k Memorial run in Sage’s honor. Sage’s Run will be held on what would have been his second birthday.

July 17, 2010

Newport City Park

in Newport, Washington

The white rose was inspired by Crystal’s post on October 3, 09 Titled “The White Rose”. You can click on the link below for information on Sage’s Memorial 5k Run.

THE WHITE ROSE

Sage’s Memorial 5k Run

http://sagememorial5k.com/myindex.php#

All proceeds of the race will go to the Tears Foundation who is working in conjunction with the SIDS Foundation. For more information on the Tears foundation visit the following link http://www.thetearsfoundation.org/

We are so excited about this. The entire family will be in attendance and we invite all of you to join us. For us Arizona Desert Rats we will be looking forward to the cool/beautiful weather in New Port next July.

Cindy and her family recently ran for Sage in the Fallen Leaf Run (SIDS organization). Sage’s name was added to the Fallen Leaf Tree. Here are some pictures from the race. They should give you an idea of what Sage’s Run will be like.

They had approximately 575 participants in the SIDS race held on October 4, 2009.

We would like to thank Cindy for all the work she is doing. We are so excited about this event and hope to see you there!

National SIDS/Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

2009-10-15T16:03:00.001-07:00

Today, October 15, is National SIDS and Infant Loss Awareness day. At 7:00pm, you're invited to light a candle for any one you know who has lost a baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS or illness/accident.

Since Sage’s passing I have tried to look for the positive in ALL things. You might wonder what positive things could come out of something so tragic. Well that’s one of the many things my grandson has taught me that positive can be found in all things.

One of those positive things is my new friend Amber Terhune. Amber lives in Nevada and is the mother of five children. She is a Doula and for a long time it was her job to travel throughout Nevada and teach classes on SIDS awareness. Then her fourth child, Arianna, was born 8 weeks early on February 27, 2008, she got to come home from the hospital the day after Easter. Ari lived 10 precious days with her family when she passed of SIDS.

SIDS-Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, SUID-Sudden Unexplained Infant Death, SUDI-Sudden Unexplained Death of an Infant

It really depends on what state/county you live in as to what cause of death they label your baby with but they all mean the same…”We don’t know why your baby died.” So if they don’t know why how can they say if your infant sleeps on their back, sucks a pacifier, and etc… this will prevent SIDS. I wish they would change the wording from SIDS PREVENTION to SIDS PRECAUTIONS. It would alleviate much guilt for these parents and also get the word out that these death’s are UNEXPLAINED. We need more research!

I mentioned that Amber was a trained specialist in SIDS. She feels guilty because she felt if anybody could have “prevented” this it should have been her. But to me Amber is a hero. When a parent loses a child to SIDS they research everything they can about SIDS and SIDS “Prevention” and they feel guilty because there might be that one thing they didn’t do. Like how do you keep an 8 month old on their back all night long? For us that “one thing” was having a blanket in bed with Sage. Even though his death was not ruled a suffocation we know the blanket played a part in his death. Most of us put a blanket over our babies to keep them warm I put a blanket in bed with all 6 of my kids. Amber was trained, she taught hundreds, she did everything right and yet it still happened to her. Amber’s story gives all of us strength and bears testimony that it can happen to ANYBODY! I’m sure she would rather not be this type of spokesperson but for what ever reason she is.

Remember those “Positives” I talked about…Amber is one of mine..she doesn’t know this but one night when I couldn’t cry anymore I got up and went to my computer and she Instant Messaged me and we talked for a couple of hours. She got me through a difficult moment.

Amber’s story doesn’t end there. Shortly after her Ari passed away she learned she was pregnant on the SAME day she found out she was pregnant with Ari and she was due the same day Ari was due had she not been born 8 weeks early. Then it get’s stranger. Her little boy ZION was also born eight weeks early…you guessed it…he was born on February 27, 2009…on Ari’s first birthday. What are the odd’s? Little Zion has had some breathing episodes of his own. One day Amber found him not breathing. Thankfully she was able to revive him. Zion is now on a monitor. I can’t imagine the fear she lives with everyday.

Zion is the bottom right and Arianna is top left. Please keep little Zion and Amber in your prayers.

Amber made the following slide show. They are all pictures of Angel Babies most of whom are victims of SIDS/SUID/SUDI. The last photo is of our little Sage. Sadly I recognize many of the babies in this slide show. Their parents have been a source of strength and comfort. Thank you Amber for doing this and for including Sage in your slide show thank you for honoring him in such a way.

At 7:00pm, you're invited to light a candle for any one you know who has lost a baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS or accident/illness.

Perhaps you know of a child who is ill? Light a candle for him/her…I will be lighting a candle for my Great Nephew Cole Claridge, whom was recently diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis, and of course one for Sage and all the angel babies.

Scroll down to the bottom of Sage’s blog and pause his music before watching the video. You will want to hear the music on the slide show.

Dancing with our angels on PhotoPeach

Dancing With Our Angels

Mourn with those that Mourn

2009-10-10T15:11:00.000-07:00

Thursday morning, which is a hard day for Spencer and me anyways, became an even harder day. We received the dreaded phone call that none of us ever wants to hear. Our good friends Cori and Blades lost their little girl. Kyndal had her cord wrapped around her neck and had stopped breathing. She was born sleeping on Oct 8th. Kyndal weighed 7lbs. 14 oz. 20 inches. She is a beautiful little girl. She looks like her beautiful mother with dark curly hair. She is perfect and like her older brother said "she is in Heaven and Heavenly Father is taking care of her".

I have cried for a few days. I am heart broken for this wonderful family. I know all to well the journey they are walking down. It hurts to see my friends so heartbroken. Part of you wants to take away the pain from them or buy them something that will make this better. I have learned that there is no earthy possession that can take this pain away. The only thing that will give them comfort, hope, and peace is the Atonement of our loving Savior Jesus Christ. I have peace in my heart knowing that Cori and Blades have an Eternal marriage and that their little girl is sealed to them for Time and all Eternity. What sweet comfort this brings to them. The Lords ways are perfect and he loves us.

I pray that I can and will be in tune with the Spirit and know how to help Cori and be there for her. I know that Cori and Blades will get through this just as me and Spencer strive to do daily. This is something that they nor I will ever just get over. Cori and Blades I love you and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Posted by Crystal

It Takes Courage

2009-10-07T21:27:00.001-07:00

It takes courage to live------courage and strength and hope and humor. And courage and strength and hope and humor have to be bought and paid for with pain and work and prayers and tears.

---Jerome P. Fleishman

Posted By Crystal Eldredge

The White Rose

2009-10-03T21:34:00.001-07:00

Some of us mothers are missing one of God's elect who honored us with that honor of Motherhood. For us mothers whose mission Started in Heaven before our earthy mission began. I share this story.

In Memory of our children…

All of the earth's Mothers were gathered at God's garden of flowers;

Those beautiful budding spirits

Who could someday come to earth

Were nurtured and tended in the Holy garden.

A Loving Father spoke to the Mothers of earth.

"See the works of my hands,

Someday you will be the mother's of these radiant spirits."

The Garden of God glowed with a mixture of all of the colors.

"Choose ye", He said.

Now in the East corner of the garden

Pure white roses stood as sentinels.

They were not so colorful as the rest,

But glowed with a kind of purity

Which set them apart.

One by One the Mothers stepped forward;

"I want the blue eyes one, the curly haired one,

Who will grow to maturity and be a mother in Zion."

Yet another chose a brown eyed brown haired boy,

Full of life and love

That would someday be a prince in a grand country.

The Garden buzzed with excitement as the others with their own special spirits

Those they would soon welcome into the warmth

And love of an earthy home.

Once again, Heavenly Father spoke;

"But who will take the White Roses,

The ones in the east corner of my garden?

These will return to me in purity and goodness.

They will not stay long in your home

For I must bring them back to my garden

For they belong to me

But they will gain bodies as planned

You will miss them

And Long for them

But I will personally care for them"

"NO!,NOT I" many of the earthly Mothers said in unison.

"I couldn’t bear to give one back so soon"

"Nor I" said other mothers.

We will take those who will remain and grow to maturity

and live long lives.

The Heavenly Father looked out across the multitude of Mothers

With longing in his eyes for someone to step forward

SILENCE!

Then Heavenly Father said;

"See the most pure white and perfect of all the white ones?

I chose him.

He will go down and be a sacrifice for all mankind.

He will be scorned, mocked and crucified.

He is my OWN,

Will not anyone choose like unto Him?"

A few mothers stepped forward

Yes Lord I will

Then another as well

And then some in unison said YES we will

Soon all the pure white roses were taken

And they rejoiced in the choice in their mothers.

Heavenly Father spoke again

"Oh blessed are you who chose the white roses.

Your pain will be a Heavy Cross to bear

But your joy will be exceeding

Beyond anything you can understand at this time."

The white one embraced their mothers

And so full was their purity and love

That it filled their souls with such excitement.

Each mother knew they could endure the tasks.

The GREATEST of all the white roses gathered them

As a hen gathers her chicks

And the out pouring of love surrounded each mother and child,

Consuming all the white ones and their mothers

As he prepared them for their task.

Each mother who bore the weight of the white rose

Felt the overwhelming Love of God

As they all shouted

"Thy Will be Done"

"Parents who have surrendered the sweetest and smallest flowers from the family's garden need to remember our Heavenly Father. He has promised a special reward to those who now suffer in silence, who spend long days and longer nights through their trying times of bereavement. Our Creator has promised glory. He said, 'For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but nigh at hand.' (D&C 58:4) That promised glory includes the blessing of reunion with each child who has left the family circle to help surviving members of the family to draw nearer to God. Those children still live and are a heritage to the Lord." Russell M. Nelson

I want to share my personal Testimony that I know that Heavenly Father loves me and that he is aware of me and my needs and wants. I know that he prepared me for this earthy Mission to be Sage’s mother. I know that one day I will be with my Little boy again. Heavenly Father has a much greater plan for me than I had planned for myself. I trust him and have full faith in his plan for me.
I say these things in the Name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Crystal Eldredge

The Best Advice

2009-09-30T13:37:00.001-07:00

A very good friend of mine sent me this video 6 months ago. I watch it every day to help give me strength and comfort. I hope these words will reach deep down into your soul and give you the help that you might need in your life.

Mourning Booth

2009-09-29T20:54:00.001-07:00

I have been blessed with some good friends during my journey of grief and sadness. I have made some good friends and I am so thankful for them. This video explains so much.

Miracle or “Just a Coincidence”?

2009-09-28T18:45:00.001-07:00

On September 22nd Sage’s Aunt RaLee turned 16. As hard as all of us tried to make the day a happy one there was still this cloud hanging over us. We had just passed the 6 month anniversary of Sage’s death. We have had to learn how to celebrate the good and be happy while our hearts are breaking on the inside. RaLee loved her little nephew as she loves all of her nieces and nephews. She has always been very present in their lives.

This is RaLee with Crystal when she was in labor with Sage. She has had the privilege of witnessing 5 of her nieces and nephews births. I think this experience has helped her form a special bond with them.

The morning Sage passed RaLee was there. She was there when he entered this world and when he left it to return to the Father. This experience has impacted her greatly and she has been determined to turn this experience into a positive one. She strives hard everyday to live her life to the fullest with a smile on her face. She has written about the experience and shared it at school. She has talked to students who think everyday teenage “Stuff” is more than they can bare and reassures them that all will be well. She is committed to babysitting weekly, free of charge and giving up Friday night activities, so Crystal and Spencer can have time together. She grieves and misses her nephew daily.

Enter our miracle…well a miracle to us…some may say it’s a coincidence. If you remember we released over a hundred balloons on July 17th, to celebrate Sages first birthday. We attached Sage’s story to each of the balloons and asked that the finder would reply as to where, how and when the balloon was found. We received one email on his birthday and nothing since. The morning of RaLee’s birthday I received the following email.

Hi my name is Meg. I have four children 29, 24, 17, and 12.
I don't know the pain of loosing one. We have not had it easy and had many obstacles as I am divorced and ......
but nothing like you have experienced. I love that you have such love in your family God has blessed you.
I didn't feel like working today ( I am self employed) I felt I needed to be home and just well be home.
I went out to the garden to clean up and spray off ( I am a Interior Designer ) so I love just creating a good feeling every where. I love home !!!! Sages story was upside down I picked it up and began to read. I just lightly cried and thought of where he landed.
I sobbed washing it off with the scraps of green ribbon and balloon attached. I will keep him in the house at all times I will frame the note and remaining ribbon and balloon. He will also watch over us .
I live in a home that an older couple owned and now it is their children's I rent from them they told me their Mother loved her garden , I love honoring for her.
So now I have two Angels in my garden.
The blog is beautiful. I saw the sunflowers and had just purchased some yesterday they are on my dining table
Thank-you for touching me and reminding me what is important in our lives.
Happy celebration,
All my love,
Meg

I cried as I read her email. I was so happy and amazed that one of Sage’s birthday balloons would be found on Aunt RaLee’s birthday. Miracle or coincidence?

I noticed Meg didn’t tell us where she lived so I emailed back and asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling what city she lived in. Then Crystal, Jessica and I went to RaLee’s school to surprise her with some birthday stuff. We made her a sucker bouquet, hat, sash and wand the day before. Crystal felt like something was missing so she stopped and bought a balloon and some flowers. When I got in her van I noticed the flowers she said, “I know our theme was bright colors and maybe I should have gotten some of those florescent daisies but for some reason I decided to buy Sunflowers.” I told her they were perfect and then shared the email with her. We both were crying when we pulled into the High School Parking lot.

Meg mentioned she had visited Sage’s blog and noticed the sunflowers placed at his grave on his first birthday. She had just purchased sunflowers the day before for her dining room table. Crystal decided to buy flowers at the last minute and felt compelled to buy sunflowers…again…miracle/birthday wish from beyond or just a coincidence?

We returned from the school and Meg had replied to our question of her location.

HI Liz,
I thought of the same thing after I sent the email I am in Scottsdale off Shea .
When I looked at the blog I didn't even look where Sage was from I was so emotional I had to email right away, I will go back and watch the blog. Let me know where it was released from.
All my best,
Meg

I responded with another email telling her that the balloon was released from the cemetery in Mesa and I shared with her how Crystal had bought sunflowers for RaLee. This is Meg’s response

Wow
How beautiful is that and what a wonderful present for your daughter, to me that is Sage telling her he is OK!
I think I will plant some sunflowers in the spot I found it I will send you a photo of the space and then when the flowers bloom.
I do not want to forget this day.
Best,
Meg

I’m so thankful Sage’s balloon made it’s way to Meg. That she listened to that inner prompting and stayed home that day. That she took the time to respond. Had she delayed even a day RaLee would not have received this wonderful birthday gift. We are honored to know that his story has touched her and that what is left of his birthday balloon along with his story will hang in her living room. We agree with Meg. It was a wonderful birthday present for RaLee and that it was Sage’s way of telling her he his is okay and “Happy birthday”. It’s a lot of coincidences if you think about it. What are the odds of his birthday balloon being found on RaLee’s birthday and landing in a memorial garden and then there are the sunflowers.

As for us we choose to believe it was a miracle. That Sage along with Heavenly Father was letting us know all is well. We haven’t been forgotten. We are all sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father. That miracles still exist and all things come together for the good. We are not alone!

Thank you Meg!

The Women In My Life

2009-09-18T16:41:00.001-07:00

I have been blessed by so many great women through out my life. I have always looked up to these women with such a deep respect and have a deep love for them. I want to be just like them in so many ways and live up the legacy that they have left for me to follow behind. Bishop Bourgeous said that one day I will stand in Heaven with all the Women that went before me and I will find myself worthy to stand among them.

First and foremost I love my Mother. She has worked so hard and dedicated her life to raising a good family. My Mom has always been there whether I was making good or bad choices. She always gives me unconditional love and companionship. My Mom has been my rock and has taught me to never give up on the Lord and to endure to the end. Mom I could not do this without you. I love you Mom! My Mother has taught me to walk and hold onto the Iron rod. My Mom has been married to my Dad for 30+ years trust me when I say that has not been an easy road to walk down!

Brenda J. Eldredge, is my dear sweet mother in law. I love this woman dearly. She is a wonderful and caring mother to 10 children. She has dealt with a hearing disability most of her life that has caused her many years of hardship. She goes to church every Sunday, but never hears the lessons being taught. October of 1998 her son Kenny was killed in a terrible automobile accident. Brenda has stayed true and faithful to our loving Heavenly Father and her testimony has never wavered from his great plan of happiness for us. I never hear this woman say a bad thing about any one and she is always striving to help others. Thank you Brenda!

Sharron Huish is another women whom I am striving to be like. I have known Sharron since I was a little girl and she has watched me grow into the Woman I am today. Sharron has many qualities that I love and admire. When Sharron, was in her child bearing years she had a total of Nine pregnancy’s, she has 6 angel babies and 3 surviving children. The day Sage passed away she told me to cleave unto Spencer and just hold each other. This advice has gotten us through some really hard times. Sharron helped my Mom sew Sages burial clothing this is something that I will always hold dear to my heart. She also sewed the satin blanket that wraps my baby's body until I see him again. Sharron has instilled in me a great desire to gather my food storage and be prepared! Thank you Sharron for being an example to this little girl!

Ione R. Rogers is my Grandma Reidhead’s mother. Even though I did not meet her in this life time she has left her journals behind for her posterity to read in our times of sorrow or joy, to lift us up and give us strength to face life. Remembering, as she did that there is a true and living God who listens to our needs, and gives answers to our prayers. Grandma had 11 children. When Dean was about 15 months old he contracted polio, after 10 days he was paralyzed and on August 26th, 1923 he passed away. Her husband Lowell always said to her about raising all of their children, “We’ve got a big job ahead of us for the next 20 years”! Grandpa Lowell fell out of the back of a truck on his way to work one morning and hit his head, he passed away on October 28th, 1937. They had only been married 19 years. Grandma would say that “The Lord knew best he must go on”. Grandma Ione raised her 10 children for 22 years alone before she remarried. She taught school in Linden and took over the ranch/farm after her husbands death. Grandma said it is really easy to feel sorry for your self. She said every time you have a negative thought you need to turn that thought into a positive one right away! I am thankful for her journal and the faithful life she led.

Mildred Jordan is my Papa Pats Mother. She was a strong woman from Southern Mississippi. I do not know much about her. I have heard lots of stories about how terrible my grandpa and his brothers were to their Momma. They burned her house to the ground! Grandma Jordan used to nail railroad spikes into her rafters and hung those naughty boys up in gunny sacks while she waxed her hard wood floors! All five of her boys grew up and served our country in time of war. They served in the Korean and Vietnam wars. Grandma Jordan buried her first child, a boy, Fred Jordan Jr. She fell asleep nursing him and when she woke up her son had died in her arms. She always wondered if her breast had smothered him or if he simply passed in his sleep . Then she had 3 boys - Ted, Charlie and my grandpa Pat, then she had twin sons that died shortly after their births. She had John and then lost another child. Then she had Barbara and Mildred and then lost another baby. They performed a partial hysterectomy after that and she thought her child bearing years were over when she was blessed with one more baby a son she named Howard or Buddy. I can honestly say that I have heard the voice of a woman with a deep southern accent talking to me and helping me during those first couple weeks after, Sage had moved on. How could she continue on after burying 5 babies? She had to have a very strong faith to continue on and endure to the end. My grandpa said that his mother was happiest when she was pregnant or nursing and that his mother loved being a mom. Thank you Grandma Jordan for all that you have done for me.

Shirley Davis is a woman in my Mother-In-Laws ward. She wrote us a very heartfelt letter a month after Sage passed away.

Dear Brenda and Larry,

I wanted to let you know how much I relate to your Heart Break over your tiny grandson's passing. On 16 Jan 1956 at 6:30 A.m. I went to get tiny Baby Billy out of his carriage so Bill could play with him a few min. He was dead, a cruel sight I'am of Crib death. We were alone, 7 miles down in canyon at Horse Mesa Dam. that makes Apache lake. we had to bring him to Mesa on the back seat of our car. Our 12th ward stepped in and we could never have made it without them. There are no words that can rid of the pain. My grandmother who lost a 18mo old girl said it is only time that helps. I have gained a few tidbits of knowledge in the past 52 yrs. Billy was loaned to us for a short time, I think I knew I'd never keep him when he was born. He could sit up a 2 months and could reach for things and had said Da. I know now, all he needed was his body. His mission was on the other side. His short life here was only to fulfill the letter of the law.

How thankful I am to this perfect stranger Shirley Davis. I know that even 52 years from now my heart is still going to hurt but, that I can do this for the next 52 years. She has a wonderful testimony of the Millennium and Eternities, where there will be no such thing as crib death or war.

Emma Smith is the wife of our past dear Prophet Joseph Smith. Emma and Joseph buried 6 children most of them while in infancy. Even though I have never met Emma how grateful I am for her and her life. She had remarkable compassion, courage and dignity. Emma had an unwavering testimony of the Savior Jesus Christ. I heard a song written about Emma and these words ring in my mind and thoughts “She buried her husband and children with a Queen’s grace”. I pray that I can live up to her example and carry on in faith and righteousness. I pray that I will be able to have the grace and courage that she had to have to face such hard trials.

Shirell Allan is in my ward, she buried her little boy Brandon five months before we buried Sage. This woman has taught me so much. She is beautiful and always has her head held high. She did something for me that I will never forget. Something that I will hold very close to my heart for eternity something so special that I will not share it as I hold it sacred. I want to thank her for going to church each Sunday and bearing her testimony of Gods love for each and every one of us. I need to know that God loves me and is not punishing me. I am heartbroken that Shirell and her family know this heartache that we are facing but, I am thankful for my friend. She is a beautiful woman and I love her.

Debra Polamo is another woman whom I love and admire. Three years ago on Fathers day an airplane crashed near Payson Arizona. On that plane her husband passed away - 4 women became widows - 2 people lost both their husband AND their child - 16 kids lost their fathers... and all of it was to the same plane crash. Debra is raising her 2 little boys on her own and she is doing a wonderful job! She is always at church and is always happy and willing to help others! Debra has an unshakable testimony of Eternal families.

Kathy Bourgeous is my Bishops wife. Kathy is the loving Mother to 11 children and she always makes sure that I get a hug at church. Kathy is a fun person to be around and is always making me want to be a better person. She has some built in radar that lets her know when I have storm clouds in my eyes! I am thankful for her and her sweet spirit that she has. I am thankful for her and her ability to light a room! She is a good wife and mother! I feel blessed to be her friend.

Becky and Tommy Norris, members of my parents ward, were blessed to be pregnant with their second child. Shortly thereafter they learned that they were going to be parents to a little girl, but the probability of their daughter living for very long was extremely low. Their daughter was diagnosed with a condition called Dandy-Walker Cyst. The doctors believed that the Norris’ baby would deteriorate and pass away during pregnancy, but much to their surprise DeLanee developed until 28 weeks gestation when she was delivered and lived for three hours. As you can imagine, these 3 hours was precious time that they spent as a family with their daughter taking pictures, bathing, dressing and holding her until she passed away in their arms. Becky has been so sweet to me. Becky is an inspiration to me. Because of her I have seen that life will and can go on with joy and happiness! Becky is making the best out of a bad situation and is striving to help others in their time of need. She makes Memory/grief boxes and donates them to the hospital DeLanee was born at.

These boxes, either blue or pink, are given to mothers who’s babies pass away. She has found a way to remember her daughter and to serve others in their darkest hours. Stop by Becky’s blog and read about the wonderful things she is doing in DeLanee’s honor. http://www.laneeslegacy.blogspot.com/

As you can see this list can go on and on forever. I hope to not offend anyone that I have failed to mention. I know of other women in my ward who have lost children and they keep on moving forward with faith. Many others have severe health problems, divorce and so many other things that make this life so hard. My point is this - I have been blessed with so many strong women around me and that came before me that love and care for me. Heavenly Father does let bad things happen to good people but he has a plan for all of us. Heavenly Father loves us and has provided a way for us to be happy again some day. I pray that one day when I am in heaven that I will be found worthy to stand with all of these faithful Women and know that I belong with them! I don’t want one of my grandchildren to think that their Grandma was unfaithful and disbelieving! Lucy Mac Smith said “ We must cherish one another, watch over one another, comfort one another and gain instruction, that we may all sit down in Heaven together”. I know that the experiences we have while here on earth are for our good and give us experience to strengthen us and increase our faith. I pray that this will not break me but stretch me and mold me into the woman that Heavenly Father needs me to be!

Blank

2009-09-12T15:55:00.000-07:00

I was reading another blog and it sparked this memory. Stephenie Meyer writes the Twilight book series, about a girl and a vampire who are in love. In the second book, after Edward leaves because he wants Bella to have a normal life, there are a few chapters with headings and nothing else. Like, at the top of the page, "October" is written and underlined, but the entire page is blank, because that's how it feels when you lose someone that important to you- blank. After a while, she starts writing again: about how Bella pretends to be normal, going out with friends to see a movie she has no interest in because it would be 'normal.' Talking to people at lunch because that would be 'normal.' And I have to admit there are days- weeks actually- that I only remember because I have kept a journal. I still have blank days.

This is how I have felt, I change the calendar every month. I write 6 months closer to being with Sage again. August is gone and I do not remember much of it at all. I have the hardest time being around large groups of people that all are generally happy and positive. I do everything in my power to not sit and cry. This hurts so bad. Every one thinks I am handling this so "WELL"! I should be paid to be an actress. I can doll myself up and laugh with the best of them. I look forward to the day's when smiling and laughing are not forced and hard to do.

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

Like walking around in a fog. I remember bits and peaces.

The Lord helps me get the necessary things done. He gives me the strength I need each day to get out of bed. Place foot in front of the other and carry on. Sometimes you think that at any moment your heart will not be able to handle this heartbreak one more minute and that it will simply give up on you. It won't it keeps on beating so I keep on walking through my days and nights hurting so bad. 6 months of the Lord carrying me and helping me along my way. I am thankful the Lord can see the entire picture because to me I feel blank, I see rays of hope when someone reaches out and says hello. One day I am sure I will feel nothing but joy but, as for now I feel blank and missing so much of life. I will not remember Jayden's, Trey's, William's and Wayne's year or my 8th year of marriage. My niece is 5 months old and I do not remember much of her. I forget that Jessy is pregnant. I forget that Royal is happy and doing well. I forget that I have a brother named DJ. I only remember when he calls or stops by. I have locked my keys in the car. I have forgot to pay many bills including the house payment opps. I forget that Trey broke his leg and was in a wheel chair. I forgot that our Mini Van was totaled. I have forgotten what meals we ate prior to Sage moving on what do I cook for dinner? I forget to do the laundry for weeks at a time. I am trying my hardest but, the canvas comes back blank. I am trying so hard. So sometimes it is hard to see that this is for our own good. One day I might just jump up and down and be so happy this is apart of my journey but as for today and this month I feel blank.

Wayne and Sage

2009-09-05T21:53:00.000-07:00

I still can't bring myself to say Sage "died" or "passed away" or "we lost our little boy to SIDS". I have to make some sorta joke out of this to help ease the pain. So I joke around and say Sage "moved on to bigger and better things". Anyways, for months after wards, I could not bring myself to even look at pictures of Sage. It was too painful. I found that I would look at the pictures of his funeral over and over and over again. I think that helped me to accept the fact that my beautiful and happy, little baby boy had indeed moved on to do bigger and better things for our loving Heavenly Father. The Lord needed him to do something bigger and better than what he could do down here. It is so hard to accept sometimes that my baby is no longer with me. I just continue to pray for comfort and peace. The Lord needed him more than we did. I have felt prompted many times that it was just his time to go.

A few weeks ago I started looking at his pictures and was remembering the best times I have ever had on earth. A month before Sage moved on to bigger and better things, I told my Mom that I felt so blessed. That I truly did have Heaven on earth within the walls of my own home. That I was so happy and so thankful for all the Lord had blessed me with. I have decided to start posting pictures of our life with him. So that I will not forget the memories that I have had with my little man. I miss him dearly this hurts so bad.

Last September I took these pictures of Sage. I wanted to remember just how chunky he was! I wanted pictures of his little naked body! I am so thankful that I have these pictures of him. The white blanket is my wedding quilt that my Grandma Leone made for Spencer and I. The blue blanket is the one we took him home in. It said "Thank Heaven for little boys". The blue and white blanket was his blessing afghan that his Grandma Reidhead had made for him. Sage discovered his hands that day and it was so hard to keep him from sticking his hands in his mouth!

These are some of my favorite pictures of Wayne and Sage together. Wayne has a soft spot for babies and Sage was his favorite baby! Wayne sat and pulled faces the entire time at Sage. I miss these moments in time.

When Someone Loses A Child

2009-09-03T16:42:00.001-07:00

Since Sage died our family has embarked on a journey we had never traveled before. So we were new to this type of grief and have learned many things.

As the grandparent you feel like your grief is compounded. Not only have I lost my grandson but my daughter as well. It’s the most heart wrenching thing to watch your child suffer. The pain associated with the loss of a child is not only emotional but physical. Some day’s it hurts to breathe. It’s almost as if my daughter died that day too because she is not the person she was the day before her son died. A part of her died with him that day.

Everyday I go to my Heavenly Father in prayer, sometimes all day, asking that I will be able to help my daughter and son-in-law through this difficult time. In my efforts to find answers for Crystal I have reached out, via the internet, to many mother’s who have also lost a child. Not only have I found myself trying to help my daughter but other mother’s daughters as well. I am shocked and saddened at how many babies die everyday and how hard it is for these mothers to find someone to talk to. They just want someone to listen. Crystal called me this morning and asked me if I would write about this on Sage’s blog.

One of the most recent topic’s of discussion was how people have treated them after their baby died. All have sadly endured very insensitive comments. A few people are just rude and insensitive but I feel the majority of them just don’t know what to say. Therefore their comments come out sounding insensitive. They don’t mean to hurt but hurt it does. That’s what I wanted to write about and hopefully help people understand just what it is Crystal, and other grieving parents, need from their family and friends.

What Not To Say: The following are some comments made to Crystal and others I have talked to who have lost a child.

1. “Aren’t you over this yet?” -NO and I never will be. I have been thrown into this new world. A world of living without my child. I will never get over it. Everyday I’m having to learn how to live in this new world of mine. My grief, as my love, has no end. My tears represent my love. Asking me to stop crying is like asking me to stop loving him/her.

2. “At least you have other children.” -They are not cookies! Well I had 5 cookies on this plate and now one is gone. Thank goodness I have 4 left. Here since I have 4 more do you want one? This is my child you are talking about. While I am thankful for all my children I love and miss this one. I want all of my children with me. I want to see ALL of them on Christmas morning opening their presents, I want to see his name on the kindergarten graduation program or a wedding invitation, instead his name is carved on his head stone.

3. “They are in a better place” - Yes Yes this is true. But even the most religious of us don’t want to be told this. We know where they are and we really don’t need to be reminded of it. The fact remains we want them with us, in our arms to love, hold and kiss. Heavenly Father understands this. It’s okay to miss them it is okay to cry doing so doesn’t mean we lack faith or that we don’t know where they are.

4. “Your young you can have another one” -While that may be true each child is different. They are individuals and unique. You can not replace one with another!

5. “You still cry?” -Dah…he’s still dead. Guess what he will remain that way until Christ comes so expect the parent to cry up until that moment.

6. “Your going to bury him? Why? He was only 8 months old!” - Well what in the world do you want us to do with his body? Should I throw him in the garbage? Tell me you really didn’t just ask me that?

7. “At least you didn’t know him very long it will be easier to get over him” -There is no timeline on grief. Parent’s will never “Get Over It”. See #9

8. “We have some scrap wood may be we can make him a box” -no matter how old the child is the parent is entitled to the funeral they feel that child deserves. Whether they want to buy the most beautiful casket out there, make them a hand made casket or cremate them it’s their choice. Please don’t trivialize their wants/needs at this time. The funeral is about the parents/family honoring their child in the way they see fit. The funeral and head stone is the last physical act of service they can provide for their child on this earth. It’s important to them so don’t make them feel guilty for wanting a nice casket/funeral.

9. “Your lucky you really didn’t get to know them after all you only had him for ______ weeks/months” - When I looked into the face of my newborn babies I had this unexplainable feeling of “Hay I know you! or Deja Vous” it was as if I had always known them. By the way Deja Vous is French for “again you”. I couldn’t imagine living my life without them or really even remember what life was like before they came along. A mother is connected to their children before they ever give birth to them. All a parent is thinking about when that child dies is all the things their child will miss out on and that they were robbed of getting to experience all their “Firsts” and that the parents were robbed of getting to watch them experience life. They are not thinking, “Oh thank goodness I only had you for 8 months because if I had known you longer it would have been much harder.”

10. “Oh I know how you feel after my ________ (Divorce, dog died, grandma died,) - Please do not trivialize their pain. Listen to them, be there for them and be IN THEIR moment not yours. While divorce or death of any kind is painful it can not be compared to the pain of losing a child. Every death and situationi is different. What Crystal and I have wanted to say back is “Oh really well I had a hang nail once!”

11. One mother received a phone call as she was walking out the door to view her daughter’s body. The caller, her own mother, said, “Aren’t you feeling better YET?” - There is no time limit on a persons grief. Time does not heal. Time does not make the pain go away. But to say this to a mother barely 24 hours after her daughter died is unimaginable.

12. “Your just having a funeral to get sympathy” - “Really? Are you serious?”

13. And the most cruel comment ever “SIDS doesn’t exist you killed your baby” -Yes believe it or not this has been said to many parents of SIDS, SUID, and SUDI babies. It’s just plain cruel and so far from the truth. These parents feel guilty enough. Did my child suffocate? Did they have a heart condition I didn’t know about? Was there something I missed? How could I not know my child was in trouble? Why didn’t I wake up or notice he wasn’t breathing sooner? I should have had a sleep monitor in his room! They are torturing themselves enough.

14. “I could never lose a child. I don’t know how you do it” - This is said a lot. I know there is no harm meant by it but to the grieving parent this is what they are thinking. “I didn’t choose to do this it was chosen for me. I didn’t have a choice in the matter so what choice do I have but to “Do This”.

15. “Now you know what a mom feels like when she sends her son on a mission” -Yes there are many similarities. We know Sage is on a mission but his mother won’t be receiving emails every Wednesday, letters or a phone call on Mother’s Day and Christmas. His mother can not mail him a care package or birthday gift. He will not be returning in two years. His mother does not have the hope of seeing him get married and become a father. Instead the parent who’s child died is thinking, “Oh tear! Your child is on a mission…how sad for you.” They are biting the inside of their cheeks in an effort to not say their thought out loud. After all they wouldn't dream of hurting your feelings.

The things grieving parents want the most - Don’t forget their baby. Don’t be afraid to talk about their child. Just hearing someone say their child’s name comforts them. Their child died they don’t have the plague. We understand that most people don’t know what to say to someone after a death but don’t see them in the grocery store, park, or church and turn around and walk the other way in an effort to avoid an uncomfortable/sad moment. Just love them and be compassionate and patient. Say hello. Just be a friend.

Time and Grief

2009-08-24T22:20:00.000-07:00

The road we have had to travel since Sage passed has been difficult to say the least. Some days I think, "Okay I can do this" and then other day's I can barely breathe for missing him so much.

We have all heard the saying "Time Heals Everything". I really hate that saying because time doesn't heal anything. Heavenly Father is the healer time is just something that passes while we try to figure our how to live in this new normal of ours. It's not as if something magical happens one year to date your loved one left you and suddenly your healed and you don't miss them anymore. There is no specified amount of time that guarantees you will be Healed once you reach it. Somebody said to me last month, "Isn't she over this yet?" Are you serious? Shortly after Sage died a woman in her 80's wrote to Crystal and shared with her how she felt the day her baby died and how much she has missed him. She is 80 and despite the passage of time she still longs for her baby and misses him every day.

Crystal and I have had the following conversation dozens of times since he passed. "Wow I can't believe he's been gone one week." Then one month, two and now it's been Five months. Five months since we heard his little voice or kissed his chubby cheeks. It's been very hard to describe how we have felt about "Time" since that day. It' feels like it drags on and yet it feels like it's speeding by so fast that we just want to jump off the roller coaster! Then a woman in Crystal's Ward who lost her husband in a plane crash two years ago summed the whole time thing up for us. She said, " It is because half your heart is with them, where there is no time and the other half of your heart is here where everything is measured by time yet you're waiting until the time you are together again." What comfort these words have given us. It is so very true because we are trying so hard to get through this here on earth where everyday he is gone is measured. We don't even try to understand the "why" of all of this because it can take you to some very dark places. So you just have to have Faith and keep looking at it through an Eternal Perspective where there is no time.

Heavenly Father has given us so much to help us through our trials and just when you think you can't do this any more something happens and you feel strengthened and your able to continue on. Like the comforting words of a friend or the comfort and peace I felt when I looked at these paintings of Greg Olson's this evening. He is such a talented artist.

So with our eye toward Heaven time passes on and we take comfort in knowing Sage is never far away. That through Christ's Atonement he takes away our pain and wipes our tears while we fight the bonds of "earthly time" and struggle to find our way Home again where life is eternal.

Sage's First Birthday

2009-07-18T11:32:00.000-07:00

Crystal and I knew that Sage's birthday was and will always be a difficult day for us so we decided to celebrate it in a "Big" way. We knew if we didn't fill the day full of activities then it would become one of the hardest days yet...and that isn't what we wanted. We wanted to celebrate the life of our little Sagebrush. So here is Sage's Day in photo's.

Crystal wanted cake but we knew a traditional cake with a candle would be to sad so she came up with the neatest idea. She made 246 red velvet cream cheese cake balls dipped in white and dark chocolate! Each one was decorated differently to represent the 246 individual day's Sage was with us. She did all the baking and rolling two days before then froze them. Then Amanda, Crystal and I spent the next day melting, dipping and decorating. As we placed a finished cake ball sucker into the styrofoam tray we counted off a day. I have to say the room got quiet as we approached 246. Every ball that was dipped we would think...it's Halloween...it's Christmas...it's March...he only has ten days left, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1. Yes we cried and as we stood back and looked at all of his completed cake ball suckers we realized how blessed we were to have had that much time with him.

This is a cake made out of bird seed, popcorn and peanut butter. Sage is burried under a big beautiful ficus tree and it is always full of singing birds...so we left the birds a special treat.

Spencer offered the most heartfelt prayer...

Aunt RaLee read the special birthday wish attached to each balloon. This is what it said...

This Balloon was released in memory of Sage Lawrence Eldredge who was born on July 17, 2008 to Spencer and Crystal Eldredge. Sage has four older siblings…brother’s William-8, Wayne-6, Treyton-4 and a sister Jayden who is 2. Sage was born perfectly healthy and had a wonderful life. He was happy everyday and rarely ever cried. He loved watching life happen all around him and he woke up happy every morning. His mother nursed him and put him to bed as she did every night and in the morning when his daddy went to get him from his crib to take him to his mommy he found him not breathing. Sage had passed in the night of SUID- Sudden Unexplained Infant Death on March 19, 2009. Our hearts are broken and we miss our happy little man but we are also celebrating the 246 days we got to be in the presence of an angel! So today we are at his grave sending birthday wishes to Heaven. Since Sage wanted you to have one of his birthday wishes we would love to hear from you. You can visit his memorial web site and leave a comment for his family…let them know how and where you found his balloon and if you want how receiving his birthday wish today has touched you. We would love and look forward to hearing from you! His web site is http://sagelawrenceeldredge.blogspot.com or email us at teeleliz@msn.com

Then we released Sage's balloons.

Jayden takes "Bear" everywhere and she told me Sage could play with him a while.

I Love these beautiful Sunflowers!

We left the cemetary and went to Crystal and Spencer's house to celebrate.

Cake Ball Suckers all 246 of them!

Uncle Royal ran the snow cone machine! He made perfect Snow Cones!

Then there was a huge water slide...the kids and adults had a blast on this! They played on this in the heat, wind, rain and even in the dark.

We blew up more helium balloons to release.

We went into the backyard and released more balloons.

Don't these balloons look like they are floating above the clouds? They really look like they are floating to Heaven.

Crystal and Spencer LOVED playing in the wind/rain storm!

There was a precious little 5 year old girl at the party. Her name is Berlyn and she has OS or brittle bone disease. This little tiny girl is just beautiful and reminds you of a little princess fairy. She is so sweet and innocent. She has had more than her share of pain and suffering. Her little bones break so easily. She has just recovered from yet another broken back but despite her trials she smiled and played all day even though she couldn't play on the slide.

Just before the summer storm rolled in Berlyn came in and sat down beside Crystal and told her, "Sage is Very Happy in Heaven today"! Then she proceeded to tell us that when the wind starts blowing that means that Sage is VERY Happy! Then within the hour the clouds got dark and the winds came...we even had a power outage. Then this sweet little Child of God came in and sat between Crystal and I and said, "Sage is Super Dee Dooper Dee Happy Happy Happy! The stronger the wind blows the Happier he is and he is going to send the rainbow." Now a rainbow in the desert is really kind of rare so Crystal and I just listened to her. She jumped off the couch and went to play. Then the winds got stronger and the rains came and Crystal and Spencer went outside and played in Sage's "Happy Storm"...

Can you see how the wind chimes are blowing. Berlyn told me that it was Sage singing.

Although we never doubted her any doubt we might have had left when we saw this...

Crystal said, "Happiness is something that doesn't just happen to us...we must make a conscious effort to be Happy!" It's strange to be able to say that this was the funnest party we have ever thrown and yet one of the saddest days we have lived through. Yes this birthday party was different. There was no baby to blow out his candle and get messy from head to toe eating his own special little cake. There were no presents no Happy Birthday song. But what we did have was the love and support of family and friends. We are blessed to know that we are an Eternal Family and that we are sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father. He may send the storms and they can be hard to endure but then he shows us that he has not forgotten us and he sends the Rainbow.

246 Gloroius Days

2009-06-30T21:12:00.000-07:00

I am having a difficult time knowing that in a few weeks Sage would be turning 1 years old. I should be planning a birthday party and not be picking out a headstone. Part of you wants to let Satan win and become a very bitter, mad, pissed off individual. I have decided that this would get me no where fast. Instead I have to constantly look around me and see my many blessings. See the beauty of my Heavenly Fathers plan and cling to the eternal perspective of all of this.

Most babies die from SIDS around 2-4 months old. It is rare for an infant to die from SIDS at 8 months 2 days old though not unheard of. If Sage had passed away at 4 months old it would have been around the holidays and most of the other kids birthdays. This would have been awful for us to bare. Instead he passed away a few months after the holidays. Giving our family many more cherished moments with our little boy!

I think about death alot and wonder would you rather know ahead of time that the person is going to pass away or would you rather have no idea. This is something I will struggle with forever. I watched this video and it broke my heart. Elliot had the same mission as Sage did. They both needed to come to earth and receive their body's and to teach all of those around them. Elliot had to struggle for every breath and eating was even a chore. I think back over Sages life and his life was perfect he only knew what pain felt like a few times. For this I am grateful. I am grateful I did not have to see my baby suffer and struggle. I am grateful for all 246 HEALTHY days I got to spend with Sage on this earth. I am looking forward to his birthday with hope. I am going to celebrate the time we had together. Celebrate his life and celebrate that he made it back home to his loving Heavenly Father and Mother.

Sage's Life Sketch

2009-06-27T18:14:00.000-07:00

The life sketch that was given by Sage's grandmother at his funeral services can now be viewed/read by clicking on the link to the right. We wanted it to be available to all who visit his memorial blog so it is now a permanent link. I want everyone to have a chance to hear his story and to know just how special he was to our family.

I also wanted to thank everyone who have visited his site. We feel that each visit helps keep his memory alive. We also want to thank those who have taken the time to leave a comment. You will never know how much your words of love, support and encouragement have given Sage's family much needed comfort, peace and hope.

Holding him in my Heart.

2009-06-08T21:58:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time I loved to hear the question from others, "How many children do you have?" With pride and confidence I would proudly state, "I am the Mother of 5 children!" We have been blessed with 4 boys and 1 little girl! I would simply say my husband is #8 of 10 and I am #1 of 6! We have always wanted a large family! We love babies and children and we are planning on having more!

Now I dread this question. How does one answer this question after a child departs? How many children do you have? UMMMMM you feel the tears swelling up in side.....find your Poker face.....you feel the walls forming around your heart.....to keep you from losing it in front of total strangers.

I still have no idea how to answer this dreaded question. We have 4 living children and 1 in Heaven? We have 5 kids? We have 4 kids? I don't have 4 kids you want to scream! I know that I am still Sage's Mother. Even though I may not be carrying him on my hip, changing his diaper or teaching him new things or sending out birthday party invitations. What I am doing goes so much deeper than that. I am getting up everyday and facing the new day without him on my hip or in his high chair at the kitchen table. I am still staying strong in the Gospel so that one day I will be found worthy to be his Mother. I know that I was his earthly Mother and kept up my end of the deal to bring him here to give him his body. I know that he loves me because I am his earthly Mother.

So when the question arises you feel like you want the world to know that you are a Mother to 5 children. Even if you are not holding him in your arms, you are holding him in your heart, in your prayers, and in your every waking moment of your life you are desparatley holding on to your memories of him.

If anyone has an answer to this question please let me know what do you say?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to fill your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say

"We go to earth and learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are OK
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with me
Until your lesson is through
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
(Jennifer Wasik)

Grocery Shopping

2009-05-29T16:21:00.000-07:00

We have not gone grocery shopping since Sage passed away with the exception of a few basic items such as milk. I used to be the coupon queen and have worked hard at building up a 3 month supply of "pantry" food in addition to a year supply of basic essentials. I am grateful for our food storage and SO thankful I was prepared. Most people, myself included, think you need food storage for a natural disaster, loss of job or the Death of a Husband. No body thinks about needing food storage for the death of a child. Why would the death of a child affect your food storage you might ask? Well it never occured to me that the simple act of grocery shopping would become a traumatic experience and take a toll on me and my husband the way that it has. It never occured to me that you might need food storage just because you can not mentally prepare a shopping list or deal with seeing babies. Who wants to risk spotting a child in the same baby carrier or out fit your son had? Or walk by a toy and realize the same toy was hanging from his car seat and oh how he loved it! Yes my husband missed 2 weeks of work but because we were prepared we really did not notice the lack of income. Last night I finally decided we needed some food in the house because our pantry was nearly bare. I was having a good moment! I grabbed my coupon book and went shopping. I got what I needed except the much needed box of baby wet wipes for Jayden. I can not bring myself to go down the baby aisle. I found this poem today and it really hits the nail on the head of how I feel. One day I will be able to go shopping without feeling like this but, for know it is not so much fun for me.

As I persue the aisles,
of the local store,
I see things more differently,
than I ever have before.

"Daddy's Little Angel",
the embroidered bibs do read.
But, Daddy's angel is in Heaven,
and bibs he does not need.

He does not need a bottle,
a teddy or a toy.
Of buying those things for him,
we shall never know the joy.

There are tiny jars of baby food,
that he will never eat,
And shiny shoes with buckles,
that will never touch his feet.

As the bikes and trikes taunt me,
from high up on the rack,
Tears will break free from my eyes,
if I dare look back.

I run off to the restroom,
to blow my nose and cry.
I wipe my eyes, swallow hard,
and let out a sigh.

I must go face the paper,
college and wide rule,
That my little angel,
will never use in school.

I hurry past the greeting cards,
that the people chose with care,
And I am reminded,
of the holidays we shall not share.

In the checkout line I bow my head,
and heavy is my heart,
For the family right in front of me,
has a newborn in their cart.

Shopping in the local store,
used to be mundane.
Now every aisle's full of items,
which remind me of my pain.

So, quick as I can, I give the cashier,
the money from my purse,
And hurry away from those who don't know my pain,
in this foriegnly happy universe.

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing

2009-05-22T19:13:00.000-07:00

The day after Sage passed away this is the video we watched over and over again. I bought the DVD with this slide show on it. This song was sang at his funeral. This song brings me comfort and strength everyday. This video helps me see the BIGGER picture. To know that because of my loving Savior Jesus Christ, I can be with Sage again. I look forward to that day everyday. Learning to be patient is the hardest part of all of this. I want the grieving to be over, the sadness, the pain, the hurt, and the anger. I know that one day all of this will be taken from me and I will feel overwhelming happiness and peace. Patience is what I pray for everyday. Not in my time but the Lords time. Until then, somehow I have to learn to carry on and find joy in the journey I have ahead of me. Sage is only missing from time and not Eternity. I look forward to Eternity each day!

Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing thy grace;
streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
mount of thy redeeming love.

2. Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood.

3. O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

My favorite line is "Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.

With These Two Hands

2009-05-14T22:54:00.000-07:00

The Lord always says he will never give us more than we can handle. He knows our strengths and our weakness. He says that he will make weak things strong. I have had to ask my Heavenly Father to help me find my strength to carry on. I was prompted to go to one of my old journal's and read it. This is what I found as soon as I opened the journal. What a comfort this has been to me.........my own words.......my own Testimony. Another of His tender mercies shown unto me. That I am strong enough with his help to carry on. He gave me these two hands to accomplish great and marvelous things. I will not let him down just as my Savior has never let me down.

It reads
With these two hands, I promise my Father in Heaven, Jesus Christ, Joseph Smith, my Family, and my Son that I will only do good with them. I will help others, and serve others. I will be a friend. I will do things to bring others up. I vow to be a good Mom to my Son Will and to my future children. At the end of each day I will look at my hands and think of all the things they did and how neat it will be to see where they will take me. I will choose the right. And hold fast to the Iron Rod. I will pray daily and read my scriptures daily. I will remember my Father who is in heaven. I know the Savior died on the Cross for me and I know He lives. With these two hands I will do what the Lord needs me to do.
Love Crystal July 17, 2001
Sage Lawrence Eldredge was born on July 17th 2008.

Photos From Sage's Services

2009-05-09T12:25:00.001-07:00

These pictures were taken for us by Kim Skinner. Kim is the daughter of Howard Post, western artist and good family friend. He was also our families Bishop for many years. We are so thankful for all they have done for us. Bishop, sorry I can't bring myself to call him Howard he will always be my Bishop, spoke at Sage's funeral services and Kim photographed the viewing and cemetery. She made a beautiful slide show that we are not quite ready to share. It contains photos of Sage and they are so dear and special to our hearts that we can't bring ourselves to post them for public viewing. So for now here are some photos from the slide show. Thank you Kim for doing something we couldn't do that day it meant so much to us.

The Relief Society had the foyer decorated with 33 differnt pictures of Sage, his "Boys Rock" blanket given to him by Aunt RaLee and other precious things that remind us of him.

The white quilt is of the Mesa, Arizona Temple. It was hand drawn and quilted by Crystal's Grandmother, Leone Reidhead, from Holbrook, Arizona. This quilt was given to Crystal and Spencer on their wedding day. She wanted it displayed because this quilt represents the day they were married for Time and All Eternity...the beginning of their Journey to Forever.

Sage's Viewing
The flowers that were on top of his casket. They were chosen by Crystal and Spencer because they reminded them of all the flowers they had seen on their vacation to San Diego just days before Sage's passing.

This little toy was buried with Sage

Great Uncle Jim, Grandpa Teele, Father Spencer, Sister Jayden, Mother Crystal and Aunt RaLee

Mom & Dad

Crystal Comforting her sons, William and Wayne

Big Brothers William and Wayne

Crystal and her Grandpa Reidhead
Sages Little Cousin Kennedy looking at Sage's photos

Tears from Great Uncle Jim (black) and Grandpa Teele (white)
Crystal and Wayne
Spencer comforting his son William
Crystal and William
Grandpa & Jayden
Leaving the Chapel after the services

Hundreds of balloons were released in memory of Sage
Uncle John Griggs

Uncles, DJ & Royal, Grandpa Teele, Friend Jon Huish and Grandpa Eldredge
Friends and Neighbors Jeremy and Kat

Great Grandpa Jordan & Aunt Amanda
Spencer, Trey & Crystal

Great Aunt Kathy, Aunt Jessica, Great Aunt Vallery, Uncle John Caldwell & Cousin Kaitlen

Uncle DJ

Jayden & her best friend "Bear"

A red balloon for baby brother

Hugs from a Daddy

Two Grandpas, Reidhead and Eldredge

Paul Bearers, Grandpa Reidhead, Grandpa Eldredge, Uncle Royal (back), Uncle DJ (front)

Balloon Release

William, Grandma and Spencer

Beautiful Flowers

Lowering the casket
Wayne
Cousins
Grandpa didn't know Crystal wanted the flowers burried with him so he lay on the ground and took them out for her. Yes the back of his hat say's "Slimy" his grandsons wanted him to have that sticker for his hat and he refuses to remove it. He does love his grandchildren!

Crystal later said that she was so upset when his casket was lowered that she had to go to her car just to compose herself before returning. She felt like the flowers comforted her and that it was nice not having to leave the cemetery with "empty arms". They decided to let the children put the flowers back on his casket before burial. This was a huge comfort to them and made them feel like they were doing something for their little brother.

Great Grandma Reidhead, Great Great Aunt Vivian, Grandma Liz, Uncle Royal

Bishop Howard Post

A Boy & His Dog

2009-04-23T16:52:00.001-07:00

Who new when I took these photos that two months later both Sage and Flash would be gone. After Sage passed I would look at these pictures and wonder why Flash was still here and Sage was gone. Now with Flash's passing I look at these photo's and wonder if perhaps they are together.

Pictures of Sage.....Tender Mercy!

2009-04-17T21:02:00.000-07:00

January we took Sage to Walmart to get some pictures taken. We only bought the $7.99 package and did not buy 1 of each pose. After he passed away I remembered that Walmart had more pictures of him. I prayed that they would still have them. Mom and I went to Walmart and they did indeed have them! We waited to order them until today. When we went to Walmart to purchase them, we figured it would cost us an arm and a leg to get his pictures but, we wanted them all. The lady working there told us about this sale they were having. We could purchase his CD with all the pictures on it and have the rights to print whatever we wanted for only $30! Heavenly Father knew just how much I needed these pictures of Sage. He provided us with one of his Tender Mercies! We could afford them and they were still in the system! I can't wait to order these prints from my computer! I was so happy! It was fun to get new pictures of Sage! He was such a darling little boy! I remember Spencer and I went to Target the day before and picked out his little outfit. I thought he looked so handsome! He always looked good in blue! I remember it was hard to get his picture taken. He kept trying to crawl off of the table! He was more interested in getting up on his hands and knees and rocking back and forth. I love this little boy so much. I miss him so much. He was always so adorable! I am so thankful I have these pictures of him! We debated back and forth if we should get his hair cut before his picture was taken. Spencer decided we should wait. The next day I cut his hair off really short. He looked so different and I was sad that he was getting so big. I look back now and I am so glad that I was the one that got to give him a hair cut!

My Wedding Gown

2009-04-15T14:54:00.000-07:00

When, I bought my wedding gown it had a big open area in the back, it was a heart shaped opening. My Mom had a rather difficult time trying to figure out how to fill in the heart to make my gown Temple Worthy. I was excited to be getting married to Spencer but, even more excited that I was worthy of the Temple and all of its blessings. I knew that my Heavenly Father was pleased with me and all that I had been through to prepare myself for a Temple wedding.

I found that my heart was still saddened because, we had not yet been sealed to our oldest child William. I knew that if I kept the faith that one day he would be sealed to us. That joyous day came and we were sealed to William and my Heart was full!

Within minutes of Sage leaving my arms I asked my Mother if she would make his burial clothing for me. My Mom said yes right away which, was what I needed to hear. After, thinking about it for a little bit, I realized that was a pretty tall order and that it might be to hard for Mom to do mentally. I talked with Mom about it and she said we will figure this out and to not worry. I remember Mom asking me what pattern I wanted and the details I wanted. (If anyone knows me they know I am very picky and need to know all the details) I told Mom to just pick it all out I could not, I remember telling her that whatever she picked out would be perfect. My Mom did figure it out and I did not have to worry. Sharron Huish an old friend of my Moms was called and I had peace in my heart knowing she would be the perfect person, to help Mom make his clothing. Sharron and Mom did a beautiful job. I just sat and held each peace as it was completed. Thank you both for doing this for me.

I remember thinking about how happy I was to have that Big Heart filled in the back of my Wedding Dress. My Mother, Spencer and my Savior Jesus Christ had taken my broken heart and made it whole again. My wedding dress now has the big heart shape taken out of the back once again and was used to sew the collars in Sage's clothing. I know that over time Spencer and my Heart's will mend. It is going to take time, faith, and patience. I know that my Savior Jesus Christ will mend my Heart and make it whole once again. What a comfort it was to me to know that Spencer and I had been sealed together forever. I take great comfort in that promise everyday.

"Jesus Christ is the Way. He is the Light and Life, Bread, and Water, the Beginning and the End, the Resurrection and the Life, the Savior of the world, the Truth, and the Way. There is only one way to happiness and fulfillment. He is the Way. Every other way, any other way, is foolishness.....He is the Way."

The Way

Elder Lawrence E. Corbridge

Of the Seventy

This is my Testimony of these most Scared Doctrine truths.

In the name of Jesus Christ Amen.

Crystal Eldredge

Happy Easter Sage and Uncle Kenny!

2009-04-09T21:21:00.000-07:00

Spencer and I spent most our day running errands. While we were driving around Spencer asked me if I wanted to go to the Cemetery? Yes was my reply. When I got there all of the flowers from the funeral were dead and blown all over the place. This bothered me something terrible. I felt that he had only been gone 3 weeks today and that I had already failed as a Mother to do something for him. I left the Cemetery in tears. Spencer being the Husband that I love dearly, drove me straight to the JoAnn's and told me to buy something for Sage and that he would take me back to the Cemetery. I decided that he needed some type of headstone until, Uncle Kenny's got replaced and Sage's headstone gets ordered. When we left the 2nd time it was easier because, I felt like I did something to take care of my baby. I pray daily for Sage and I know that he is where the Lord needs him to be and that he is watching over all of us. I want to Celebrate Easter with cheer and have joy in my heart! Sage because of what our Savior Jesus Christ did for us, I know that Daddy and I will get to be with you again someday! Families truly are forever! Love You Through Eternity!