Sunday, December 27, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
We had so many people praying for us and we could feel that...it gave us strength and we even had a bit of a miracle, if you will, a very spiritual experience that I would like to share.
Amanda, Crystal's sister, makes a quilt for each of her nieces and nephews when they are born. William's "Frog" blanky is his favorite. In fact each of the kids formed an attachment to their blanket that Aunt Amanda made. Amanda was expecting her first child and had a quilt on the frame for her own baby when Sage passed away. The quilt remains untouched on the frame. Why? Because when Spencer found Sage in his crib the quilt Amanda made covered his face and we have wondered if it contributed to his SIDS. Amanda feels guilty. We have all told her it wasn't her fault. It was Sage's time to go if not that quilt then another. At least it was with a quilt that was made with love by someone who loved him. Crystal is also grateful because it wasn't a store bought quilt. It's difficult for her to go to church or the store and see someone with the same diaper bag, toy, outfit or blanket as Sage had. It would have been very hard to see a baby with the same blanket he passed away with. Instead it was a "one of a kind".
The night before Sage died Crystal sat on the couch and visited with William about the scouting program. He was excited to be receiving some awards at the upcoming banquet and they were making plans to work on projects for more badges. When Sage was done nursing she carried him upstairs and put him to bed.
This morning when we arrived at the appointment we saw a young man in the lobby in his scout uniform. He was delivering home made Quilts/blankets. He told us it was his Eagle Scout project and that the quilts were to be given to children of domestic violence. He had hoped for 50 quilts but said, "It just exploded! I got 150!"
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
I would be lying if I did not confess that I am struggling this Christmas Season. This is a growing and learning process for me. Even though I do not fully understand the all of this. I know that one day I will. If I keep my broken heart on what really matters. I have to keep telling myself "The Lord knew best and took him home". I feel that in your darkest hours of your life, you need to praise Heavenly Father. Sometimes I question "Does Heavenly Father really love me"? I mean, if he really loves me he would not let me hurt this bad. You would think he would come and take all of this pain away right? That is what any good, kind and loving Father would do right? Well he did send someone to come and take all of this suffering away. He sent his only begotten son Jesus Christ to this world to take away my suffering and pain. I pray that I can remember the gift that my Heavenly Father has given to me and all of you.
My wise Mother shared her thoughts and wisdom with me today. She keeps me literally out of the looney bin. My Momma keeps answering her phone and for that I am grateful!! My Momma also knows that I am not handling this so well. That I am not as strong as I appear to be. My Momma needs to know I love her and I am blessed to have her as my Mother!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
One of my family traditions that I started back when William was a baby, was to buy a huge bag of bows and dump them on the ground at the base of the Christmas tree. I have done this every year that I have a crawling baby or toddler in the house. The babies love to play with the bows! They leave the Christmas tree alone and they play with the bows all season long. As silly as this sounds this tradition is what I am missing alot this year. A baby/toddler playing with a bag of bows. Every time I see a bag of bows I want to cry. I thought about buying a bag for the heck of it but, that would just be self torture. I am missing a bag of bows………family traditions and memories do not have to cost much too mean the world to you.
This is a picture of Trey, as a baby playing with his bag of bows. I never got a picture of Sage with his bag of bows he was too little last year………..so I look at pictures of Christmas’s past and remember the memories I made with my other children.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
On most good days, I listen to good uplifting music and I have peace in my heart. I feel like this is okay, I feel like Sage is gently pushing me along saying MOMMA you have to get things done around here! Momma, its okay to laugh and enjoy the kids you have. I feel the comfort of the gospel all around me. I feel like I am holding tight to the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I dig deep down and I know this is what my Heavenly Father had planned for me. Some days, I feel strong, I feel like I can do this, I feel like I can handle this and that it is okay. Other days, I am happy for Sage and glad he is serving the Lord.
Everyday, I have to trust my Heavenly Father more than I did the day before. I have to trust him and his plan for me. Everyday my life moves on and I live and I laugh and I love. I look for the Joy that is in each moment and hold to it!
Everyday, I thank my Heavenly Father for all of my very many blessings! I even thank him for Sage! I ask him to take care and watch over Sage just as much as he watches over us! I tell Heavenly Father everyday to give Sage a hug from me, or give him our family hand shake that only we know!
Other days, the bad days are not so pretty. that is okay too. This was not meant to be easy or it would not be worth it.
I never forget that Sage is gone not for one second. That thought is always there lingering in the back of my mind. Every second of everyday I have to choose how I am going to handle it.
So I think I am making good choices everyday. I think I am doing okay. I am a talker and I have to talk about him and how I am feeling or I might just blow up! Maybe one day and I hope someday I do not have to talk so much about this and talk about other things.
Every day I have a perfect faith that one day all of this will be worth it. One day I will understand the why’s of all of this. One day this will make sense. Until then, I will get up each morning and look out the window and wait patiently for my Savior Jesus Christ to come and wipe away all my tears.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Erin Stock is one of my best friends. She has helped me so much with the passing of Sage. Erin and her sister Lyndsay have done so much for me these past 9 months. I found out today that Skylar Stock, Erin and Lyndsay's brother was killed late Monday night in a tragic accident. My heart is broken for this family. I keep checking facebook over and over to see if this is really true. It is so strange how one minute someone is here then the next minute they have gone back home. I hope and pray that I can be there for my friends the way they have been there for me.
I am so sad and tears just keep falling for my friends. Heart broken for them. I keep praying for them and I want them to know I love them. I just have to believe that Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us..........because, if I did not believe and KNOW WHAT I KNOW TO BE TRUE.........this life would be more than I could take.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Everyone keeps telling me that memories are a wonderful thing to have and hold onto. I almost hate memories they haunt you whether they are good or bad.
I have a difficult time looking at his Christmas pictures with all of his gifts. I think, look at some of the outfits he never got to wear………Look at the toys that he was too little to play with and are still sitting in his room unopened never to be played with.
The worst part of these pictures………breath…….hold back tears……..you never think the Christmas Jammies you dress your little guy in will later become, the same Jammies that he will die in. Your brain tends to remember the dramatic, horrible, and gut wrenching stuff more than, it likes to hold onto the good ole days. These pictures bring back many bad memories along, with some good. Maybe one day I will look back at these pictures without vomiting in my mouth.
I realize that I probably share to much of my real thoughts and feelings. I do not care……I am hurting and struggling to be okay with this. I know that other people have harder trials but, this is hard for me. All I can say is I am trying my best everyday to be okay with this. All Heavenly Father asks is we try our best. So everyday I try to carry on and live the best life I know how.
I miss my baby this Christmas season. The thing that helps is reading Luke 2 everyday, praying, and crying all the time. I try to think about what Christmas might be like in Heaven? What does the choir sound like there? I wonder what kind of traditions they have in Heaven? I try to be happy for him, he gets to celebrate Christmas with Jesus Christ…………….this brings more meaning to the words…………peace…………..joy…………….glory………………that has to beat my Costco nativity set any day!