I do not know how else to say this…I am struggling more and more each day. You think the first couple of months would be the hardest but, for me they were the easiest.
Like I said, I am struggling right now. I am the type of person that would give you the shirt right off of my back. I can think of numerous times in my life where I did just that…..gave all I could give of myself, my time, energy, talents and wealth. I even donated my hair to locks of love. The very act of carrying a baby is selfless. You give up everything to be a mother. I am not trying to toot my own horn but, I did and still do all of these things because I love it! I love doing things for other people because, I love to see the happiness it brings to their life! I have always considered myself an unselfish person. I truly feel that most of the worlds problems are based around selfishness. Most people love themselve's more than anything or anyone else.
Much to my dismay I have discovered that I am a very selfish person. My Heavenly Father has showed me one of my many weaknesses. Selfishly I want you here on earth with our family. I want to hold you and love you. I know deep down inside that it was your time to go. Selfishly, I do not care, I want you here. Selfishly I do not care that you are in Heaven and things are perfect. I would selfishly keep you here not for your good but I would keep you here for me. Selfishly, I would keep you here for my own happiness and not yours. I sound like the worlds worst mother.
If my Heavenly Father came down and gave me a choice to let you stay with him in Heaven or come back home to us here on earth. I know deep down I would let you stay where you are……………..I realize you were never mine to begin with, children are a loan from the Lord.
So with all of my many acts of service, I did them all out of love for the other person. I knew it was what they wanted and it made them happy. I pray everyday that I will not be selfish. Sage, you can go and I will stay and strive daily to not be selfish. You were one of my greatest service projects. I pray that I will continue to serve and love others as much as I love you. I pray that my weakness will be made strong……….I pray that I will learn to love you more than I love myself and let you go………
God so loved the world he gave his only begotten Son……..I am not comparing myself to Heavenly Father at all but, I have a much clearer under standing of just how unselfish Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ were…….how much they loved us.
Montana Trip Part I
5 years ago