We have not gone grocery shopping since Sage passed away with the exception of a few basic items such as milk. I used to be the coupon queen and have worked hard at building up a 3 month supply of "pantry" food in addition to a year supply of basic essentials. I am grateful for our food storage and SO thankful I was prepared. Most people, myself included, think you need food storage for a natural disaster, loss of job or the Death of a Husband. No body thinks about needing food storage for the death of a child. Why would the death of a child affect your food storage you might ask? Well it never occured to me that the simple act of grocery shopping would become a traumatic experience and take a toll on me and my husband the way that it has. It never occured to me that you might need food storage just because you can not mentally prepare a shopping list or deal with seeing babies. Who wants to risk spotting a child in the same baby carrier or out fit your son had? Or walk by a toy and realize the same toy was hanging from his car seat and oh how he loved it! Yes my husband missed 2 weeks of work but because we were prepared we really did not notice the lack of income. Last night I finally decided we needed some food in the house because our pantry was nearly bare. I was having a good moment! I grabbed my coupon book and went shopping. I got what I needed except the much needed box of baby wet wipes for Jayden. I can not bring myself to go down the baby aisle. I found this poem today and it really hits the nail on the head of how I feel. One day I will be able to go shopping without feeling like this but, for know it is not so much fun for me.
As I persue the aisles,
of the local store,
I see things more differently,
than I ever have before.
"Daddy's Little Angel",
the embroidered bibs do read.
But, Daddy's angel is in Heaven,
and bibs he does not need.
He does not need a bottle,
a teddy or a toy.
Of buying those things for him,
we shall never know the joy.
There are tiny jars of baby food,
that he will never eat,
And shiny shoes with buckles,
that will never touch his feet.
As the bikes and trikes taunt me,
from high up on the rack,
Tears will break free from my eyes,
if I dare look back.
I run off to the restroom,
to blow my nose and cry.
I wipe my eyes, swallow hard,
and let out a sigh.
I must go face the paper,
college and wide rule,
That my little angel,
will never use in school.
I hurry past the greeting cards,
that the people chose with care,
And I am reminded,
of the holidays we shall not share.
In the checkout line I bow my head,
and heavy is my heart,
For the family right in front of me,
has a newborn in their cart.
Shopping in the local store,
used to be mundane.
Now every aisle's full of items,
which remind me of my pain.
So, quick as I can, I give the cashier,
the money from my purse,
And hurry away from those who don't know my pain,
in this foriegnly happy universe.
Montana Trip Part I
5 years ago